


Learning to Live Again

by gelowo93



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-10
Updated: 2012-08-10
Packaged: 2017-11-11 20:44:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 42
Words: 107,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/482730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gelowo93/pseuds/gelowo93
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>31st October 1981, James dies but Lily manages to escape Godrics Hollow with Harry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> This was written a while ago now and was pretty much the first thing I wrote outside of school, so try not to be too harsh, I'm better now (I hope).

"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off -"

Lily froze; her heart pounding.  _How_? The Fidelius Charm couldn't have broke without Peter telling him. That wasn't possible, Peter was one of James' oldest friends, he wouldn't have betrayed them –  _couldn't_  have …

These thoughts ran through Lily's head for a second before another high-pitched voice from downstairs interrupted her.

" _Avada Kedavra_!"

This was all it took for Lily to unfreeze. Fear, shock, panic and grief were all dulled by the sudden adrenaline that coursed through her. She tightened her hold on Harry and ran into her and James' bedroom where she had left her wand. Quickly snatching it up from the bed, she spun round to see the pale snake-like face with red slits for pupils like a cat's creep around the doorframe. Without stopping, Lily pointed her wand at the wall and blasted it apart.

She could almost feel Voldemort's gaze on her and imagined him raising his wand. Lily didn't turn around to check; she ran to the hole in the wall and jumped. Closing her eyes and holding onto Harry tighter than ever, Lily twisted in mid-air, Disapparating.

The cool breeze raised the goose bumps on Lily's arms as soon as she appeared in the narrow alleyway. Tears in her eyes threatened to overflow but she desperately tried to hold them back. Harry was crying now – no doubt from the peculiar sensation of Disapparating. Lily held him closer to her and attempted to quieten him for a minute before heading out into the street.

Lily gasped. At least a dozen people wearing black cloaks were meandering down the street. There was no reason for this number of Death Eaters to be patrolling an unsuspecting Muggle street – and there was no way that Voldemort could have known where she would Apparate to and send them a message. She stood glued to the spot, until she noticed that the majority of the cloaked people were too small to be adults. It was only when a child walked past her dressed as a pumpkin that she remember the date - October 31st, Halloween. The day that Muggle children (and even some adults) would knock on doors asking for sweets, wearing capes and costumes of creatures that they didn't believe in: ghosts, vampires, witches, werewolves …

At the thought, Lily instinctively looked up at the sky. The light from the full moon shone down on them. This, more than anything, encouraged her to begin walking down the street – Lily knew that Remus would never willingly hurt anyone but in his transformed state his human consciousness was lost, and being this close to headquarters and the nearby woods unnerved her.

By the time they had reached the right house, Lily's breathing had become erratic and the adrenaline that had kept her calm and knowing what to do back at the house was all but gone. Tears began to spill over as she shakily raised her wand and tapped on the front door to open it. Lily squeezed inside and shut the door behind her.

The control she had had over her emotions for the past fifteen minutes broke, for she knew that she was now safe. Lily felt herself slide to the bottom of the door and great heaving sobs escaped her as the tides of emotion crashed over her. She pulled Harry closer to her and feebly tried to stop him crying while she sobbed harder.

The dull murmuring of voices that had been present when Lily had entered stopped as the owners of the voices heard the sobs coming from the hallway. Lily heard the scraping of chairs as they were moved and then footsteps coming closer. She looked up and saw Albus Dumbledore stood in the doorway with a small crowd of Order members behind him.

At first, nothing but shock registered on all of their faces. Dumbledore composed himself first and strode forward. Kneeling down, he helped Lily up and put his arm around her shoulders to gently lead her into what would be the living room if the house were used as a home. He set her down on the sofa and sat next to her, before turning to her gravely.

"What happened?"

Lily swallowed and attempted to calm herself enough so that she could speak.

"H-he … f-f-found us," she managed to choke out, "P-P-Peter m-must have…"

"Peter?" Dumbledore frowned, looking confused. Lily tried to finish her sentence and explain, but she couldn't hold back the tears much longer. Dumbledore appeared to have worked out what had happened. "You switched Secret Keeper?"

Lily nodded. "J-J-James…"

She burst into renewed sobs; Dumbledore must have grasped what else had happened from Lily's emotional state and did not question her any further. Instead, he immediately took control of the situation and began issuing orders. Lily didn't pay attention to what was going on around her, but nobody seemed to expect anything from her. She continued sobbing and gently rocking Harry until he fell asleep.

After about an hour, Lily became aware of worried and panicking voices in the other room. She tried to listen to what was being said but the muffled voices weren't making sense. Curious about what was happening, Lily got to her feet slowly so as to not wake Harry, and made her way to the meeting/dining room.

Everyone became silent and their eyes turned to hers when Lily entered. Afraid that something was being kept from her, Lily asked what was wrong. Her voice was croaky but loud enough for them all to hear. When there was no answer, she asked again, "What's happened?"

This time Emmeline Vance answered, "We sent a message to Sirius - " she checked her watch " – an hour ago, telling him to come here straight away, but he still hasn't turned up or replied."

No, Lily thought, not someone else, not tonight –

"We've no reason to panic, however," Dumbledore said, clearly registering panic on Lily's face. "I'm certain that if something had happened to him then we would have heard - "

As Dumbledore spoke, they heard the front door smash open and someone thunder through the living room. Once again, everyone turned to see who had entered.

His face was pale and his eyes were wild with grief and anger. His hands were balled into fists and he looked ready to go out and murder someone; Lily was sure she knew who he was planning to murder. At any rate, it was obvious that Sirius had already heard about what had happened.

Dumbledore also must have noticed that Sirius wasn't in the right frame of mind because he stood up and placed his hands on Sirius's shoulders to try to calm him down.

"Sirius, please sit down - "

But Sirius shook him off and turned to Lily.

"Wormtail."

They stared at each other in silence for a moment.

"Wormtail," Sirius repeated.

"I know, Sirius," Lily whispered, "I know. But there's n-nothing we can do - "

"The murdering little TRAITOR!" Harry had woke up at the loud noise and started crying. Tears started streaming their way down Lily's face again while Sirius shouted and she could see tear tracks down his face. "HE BETRAYED YOU! HE KILLED HIM! I'LL – I'LL KILL HIM! THE MURDERER!"

Once Sirius stopped shouting, Dumbledore gripped his arm and led him to an empty chair. As soon as he was sat down, Sirius buried his face in his hands and started sobbing.

Dumbledore sat back down at the head of the table and, with a glance at Sirius, started talking.

"Now there's not much more we can do tonight. No doubt Voldemort will be furious that Lily escaped with Harry so he might be waiting at the house for someone to return. I think it's safest for Lily and Harry, and Frank, Alice and Neville to stay here tonight and in the morning we can think about what to do next."

Dumbledore looked around the table as he finished. Everyone had looked confused when Dumbledore had said the Longbottoms were to stay at headquarters, except Sirius who still had has head in his hands. But they all murmured assent and stood up to leave.


	2. Chapter Two

As the Order members passed Lily they muttered their condolences; she just stood there, accepting them and not looking anyone in the eye for fear that she would break down in tears again. All she really wanted was to sit down in privacy and spend some time with Sirius – he was, she thought, the only person who truly understood how she was feeling.

The room had gone silent and Lily looked up to see that Dumbledore and the Longbottoms were stood up. Sirius was still sat at the table but had taken his head out of his hands and was staring blankly forward.

"Unfortunately," Dumbledore began hesitantly. Lily was surprised – he was always so calm and collected that it was unexpected to hear him hesitant, "we only have one bedroom here so someone will have to sleep on the sofa. I'm sure Frank and Alice won't mind if you want some privacy, Lily." He turned to them and they were nodding their heads fervently.

"No, it's fine, I'll sleep down here. I don't need a big room – you two should have it," Lily's voice cracked as she said it. The two of them had each other and she had no one. Voldemort had seen to that.

"If you're sure?" Lily nodded. "And Sirius … ?" The sound of his name seemed to break his reverie; Sirius turned to Dumbledore and stood up.

"I'll stay here, sleep on a chair or something. Don't feel like going home tonight."

Dumbledore just nodded and strode into the living room. They followed, trance-like, and saw that he had conjured two sleeping bags and a cot for Harry. He then turned to Lily.

" I am, truly, sorry. James was a good man and he deserved to live a long life with you. But he died protecting you and Harry and I'm sure he wouldn't have it any other way. If there's anything you want, we're all here for you."

Lily nodded; she didn't seem to have much energy left after the events of the evening. Dumbledore checked his watch and frowned.

"I'm going to have to go soon. I'll just sort out Frank and Alice upstairs and then I've got a meeting I need to get to. Take care" He peered over his half-moon glasses to look at Lily and Sirius for a moment, then motioned to Frank and Alice to follow him upstairs. Alice hesitated for an instant.

"If you want, we'll look after Harry tonight. Just so you don't have to worry about him waking up or …" Alice trailed off, uncertain whether to carry on or not.

"Thanks but … I'd rather stay with Harry. Thanks anyway." Alice smiled timidly, then followed her husband and Dumbledore out of the room and upstairs.

Lily took a great shuddering breath once Alice had left and felt Sirius put his arm around her shoulders. Grief threatened to engulf her again, but she held it back as she gently shrugged off Sirius so that she could put Harry to bed. Even though he quickly dozed off, Lily sat down on the sofa next to the cot and watched him sleep. He looked so much like James; Lily knew that she wouldn't be able to look at him without thinking of her husband.

Sirius seemed to know what she was thinking because he sat down beside her and put his arm around her for a second time. This time, however, she didn't shrug him off but leaned on him and her grief overwhelmed her. Lily started sobbing quietly so as not to wake Harry, although soon she had lost control and was crying hysterically. She felt something dripping on her head and knew that Sirius was crying too. They sat in silence for a while, grateful for each other's company while they grieved.

Eventually, Lily's sobs began to quieten and before long she had cried herself out. She looked up at Sirius and found him staring blankly forward again. His expression scared her – Lily had never seen anyone look so helpless. Although, she thought she must have looked terrible when Dumbledore had found her crying in the hallway.

After a few minutes of silence, Lily started to worry about what Sirius was thinking. She cleared her throat to get his attention; he blinked a few times and then looked at her. His face was still blank of all emotion. Wanting to distract Sirius from thinking about whatever he was and to take her mind off her own thoughts, Lily decided that the best thing to do was get him talking.

As Lily was thinking about topics to talk about, she wondered how Sirius had found out about … what had happened, if the message hadn't mentioned anything. She had wanted to talk about something completely different but thought that anything was better than nothing.

"H-how did you f-f-find out? Emmeline … s-she said the message didn't tell you a-anything."

Sirius let out a long sigh, but didn't say anything. They looked at each other for a few moments before he began to speak.

"I was supposed to be checking on Wormtail today," Sirius' voice was steady, but detached. "I was going to go this morning but I got sidetracked. When I got to where he was staying he wasn't there. But it was all tidy – no sign of a struggle. I could tell something was up and that was when I got the message. I knew that it meant that something was wrong but if I had come here then I knew Dumbledore would have stopped me from doing what I wanted. So I ignored it. I went straight to your house. When I got there, it was in ruins. Voldemort must have been pretty angry when you escaped so he blew the house up. I don't know if there's anything left –" Sirius paused – even though his voice had started emotionless it had become more and more so until it was too much for him to bear. When he spoke again it was in a whisper, "I tried to find him. I checked everywhere I could think of but it was no good. I was searching for about an hour before I remembered Dumbledore's message."

Lily had been watching Sirius as he spoke, but once he had finished he turned away, refusing to look her in the eyes. It was only now that Lily could guess what he had been thinking about all evening.

"It's not your fault, Sirius."

"I told you to use him. If I'd checked on him earlier like I was going to I might have stopped him."

"We trusted both of you, no one could have known that he was going to betray us."

Tears had begun to run down Sirius' face again. Lily sighed.

"No one forced us to change to Peter, and you didn't force him to tell Voldemort. You're not guilty of anything, Sirius."

Sirius turned back to look at Lily, as if he was seeking reassurance that she didn't blame him. Lily's eyes began to droop while they stared at each other, he noticed this and made to get up.

"Where are you going?"

Sirius smiled meekly, "You're tired, I'll let you get some sleep." He stood up and dragged one of the sleeping bags over to a chair.

Lily couldn't argue – she  _was_  tired. She climbed into the other sleeping bag and made herself comfortable on the sofa while Sirius settled into a chintz chair, turned off the lights and closed the curtains with his wand.

The room was pitch black except for a strip of moonlight that allowed Lily to see Harry sleeping peacefully through the bars of his cot, and she wondered whether he understood what had happened that evening. He would never laugh as his father amused him with puffs of coloured smoke again – it was unlikely that he would remember James at all. Silent tears ran down her cheeks as she thought of James never seeing his son grow up, and she was still crying as she fell asleep.


	3. Chapter Three

Lily awoke while it was still dark the next morning, but she could tell that the sky was lightening through the curtains and sunrise was fast approaching. It felt like a lifetime ago that she had escaped her home, when in reality it was no more than twelve hours ago. As she remembered the previous night, panic swelled inside of her. Instinctively, she looked over to Harry's cot making sure he was still safe. He was sleeping serenely, with a slight smile on his face as if he didn't have a care in the world.

She sat up with difficulty as sleeping on the sofa had given her a sore back and rubbed her eyes. Lily's felt as if her hair and skin was greasy from sleeping in the robes she had worn all yesterday. It was a moment before she remembered that she had no other clothes to change into, having had not time to pack before leaving the house as quickly as possible last night.

Deciding that having a shower might make her feel a bit cleaner even if she had to put the same clothes on again, she scrambled out of the sleeping bag. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw Sirius asleep in the chair he had settled in last night. She stood up, trying to be quiet so she didn't wake up Sirius and Harry, and headed up the stairs to the bathroom.

Lily took her time in the shower, allowing herself to relax and trying to prepare for the day ahead, which she imagined would be just as tough as the previous evening. She was just finishing getting dressed when she thought she heard a disturbance downstairs. Lily stopped moving so she could hear more clearly – there was no doubt about it, someone was definitely shouting downstairs. Cursing herself for leaving her wand in the living room, Lily pulled her robes over her head and rushed out of the bathroom.

"Lily! LILY!"

It was Sirius shouting from downstairs, desperation clear in his voice.

"What? What's happened, Sirius?" Lily shouted back, panic once again rising inside her – when was this ever going to end? As Lily reached the top of the stairs, Sirius did too. His panic stricken face quickly turned to one of relief once he saw Lily.

"I thought – You weren't there – I woke up and you'd gone so I thought - something had happened," Sirius panted, out of breath from sprinting up the stairs.

"I'm fine, I just came up here to have a shower – you made me panic! I thought – Harry – or Death Eaters at least!" Lily was relieved that nothing was wrong, but she was annoyed at Sirius for making her worry.

Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw a figure move by the foot of the stairs in the darkness. She let out a small scream before clapping a hand over her mouth when it moved into the light and Lily saw who it was.

"Oh! I'm so sorry Remus; I didn't see you and you frightened me," Lily apologised.

"It's okay. What are you doing here? I thought the idea was that you stayed with Harry at your place so Voldemort couldn't find you? And where's James? Sirius wouldn't tell me anything."

Lily's eyes began to water – she had forgotten that Remus hadn't heard about what happened and didn't feel up to explaining it to him. She pushed past Sirius and walked down the stairs into the living room, ignoring Remus' questions.

Once there, Lily saw that Harry had woken up and was standing up in his crib, holding onto the bars trying to see where everyone had gone. She picked him up and sat down on the sofa, settling him next to her where he started to play with the folds of the sleeping bag. Lily watched Harry for a minute, then looked up to see that Sirius and Remus had followed her and were standing by the door. Sirius was staring at the floor, Remus, however, was watching Lily, confused.

The four of them stayed in silence. Eventually, Lily sighed and looked back down at Harry. She would have to tell people at some point, and waiting wouldn't make it easier. Lily took a deep breath and, still watching Harry, began to speak.

"Last night … V-Voldemort came to our house."

Lily couldn't carry on. Tears threatened to overflow once again; she turned away from Harry so that he wouldn't see her crying but he seemed to have understood that something was wrong because he started patting her leg. When Lily didn't turn back around, he began to cry. At this, Sirius strode over to the sofa to pick Harry up and started pacing around the room to quieten him down.

"W-what? That's not possible – what about Peter?" Remus sounded dumbstruck, as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"I tried to go after him, but I couldn't find him anywhere. He must have some hiding place we don't know about," Sirius said, in a weak attempt to appear angry.

No one spoke again for a moment. Lily looked up at Remus and could see from the expression on his face that he hadn't grasped all of what had happened. When he spoke again, Lily's thoughts were confirmed.

"But if you escaped, where's James? Surely Dumbledore didn't send him off somewhere? What … ?" Remus looked into Lily's eyes and she saw the truth dawn on his face. "No," he whispered, shaking his head. When neither Lily nor Sirius corrected him, he walked to the sofa and collapsed upon it.

Lily scooted over to Remus, put her arm around his shoulders and leant her head on his shoulder. She could feel him shaking as he cried and her own tears spilled over and started to drip off the end of her nose onto Remus' shoulder.

They sat like that for a while, whilst Sirius held onto Harry. The sound of the front door opening made them jump and they sat up properly as Dumbledore entered the room.

"Ah, Remus, you're already here, excellent. Did you two sleep alright last night?" He said, looking between Sirius and Lily. When neither of them answered, he carried on, "I'll make some breakfast – what do you fancy?"

"I don't want anything, I'm not hungry," Lily replied.

"You should eat something, Lily. You won't even have some toast?" responded Dumbledore, kindly.

"Sure – toast." Lily knew that it would be pointless to argue with him over something as small as breakfast. Dumbledore turned to Sirius and Remus, expecting them to request something to eat. They stayed silent, causing Dumbledore to sigh sadly.

"Toast for three, then." Again, everyone was silent. "What will Harry have?"

"He'll just have some toast." Dumbledore nodded and headed towards the dining room to get to the kitchen. "Thanks," Lily shouted after him as an afterthought.

Silence, again; it was only broken by the sound of Dumbledore making breakfast in the kitchen. Lily wondered why he was at headquarters this early – it couldn't be much later than seven o'clock – and surely he didn't come here this early every day? She was just deciding that he must have arranged a meeting when she was distracted by voices in the hallway and the door opened.

The door opened and what seemed like half of the Order walked into the room: Rubeus Hagrid, Dedalus Diggle, Minerva McGonagall, Mad-Eye Moody, Elphias Doge, Emmeline Vance, Sturgis Podmore and Frank and Alice Longbottom, carrying Neville, brought up the rear. They all found somewhere to sit except Hagrid, who stood in a corner awkwardly. Just as everyone had settled down, Dumbledore entered holding his wand aloft and levitating a plate with a pile of toast on it.

Dumbledore rested the plate on the coffee table in the centre of the room and, almost at once, everyone went to grab a slice. Lily nibbled on hers, despite telling Dumbledore that she wasn't hungry. She realised now that she was actually starving but the toast stuck in her throat and she seemed to have lost the ability to swallow. Lily carried on nibbling at her slice, however, thinking that she might feel a bit better with some food in her stomach. While everyone ate, Dumbledore stood up and began to speak.

Lily didn't listen to a lot of Dumbledore's speech as she was concentrating on eating her meagre breakfast and not allowing her thoughts to stray too far to make her upset again. Her focus drifted in and out, but she understood the gist of what was going to happen that day: a small group was going to go back to her house in Godric's Hollow to make sure that there were no Death Eaters in the area and to see if there was anything they could rescue from the rubble, which they would transport back to the basement at headquarters. Ten minutes after the first group set off, the rest of the group would follow to provide back up in case there were Death Eaters. Frank and Alice were to go to work as usual, leaving Lily, Sirius, Remus, Harry and Neville behind with Hagrid for extra protection. Sirius had gotten angry when he realised that he wasn't part of the plan.

"How come I'm not helping out?" He had asked.

"I thought it would be best for you to remain behind with the others –" Dumbledore had started before Sirius cut him off.

"I'm coming."

Sirius couldn't be persuaded to stay back so the plan was forced to change. Sirius would go with the first group accompanied by Minerva, Mad-Eye and Dumbledore so that Dumbledore could prevent him from doing anything rash. The rest were to follow afterwards as before.

Everybody started preparing to depart. Alice gave Neville to Remus to look after and Sirius handed Harry to Lily, while saying goodbye at the same time.

"Be careful," Lily urged. "Don't –"

Lily didn't need to finish her sentence; Sirius knew what she was going to say. He said goodbye to Remus, and then Disapparated with the rest of the first group and Frank and Alice, who needed to go home before heading to the Ministry. Ten minutes later, the second group Disapparated, leaving Lily, Remus, Hagrid, Harry and Neville in silence in the living room.


	4. Chapter Four

Lily could feel Harry straining against her grip, she looked down at him and saw that he was watching Neville and trying to reach him. Remus seemed to be having the same problem with Neville who was struggling to get out of Remus' arms.

"What's the matter, Harry? Do you want to play with Neville?"

Both Harry and Neville stopped struggling at the sound of their names; Harry turned around in Lily's arms and looked straight into her face.

"Nev nev."

"Okay then," Lily said as she lifted Harry up and placed him on the floor. He crawled over to Remus and stood up, using the side of the sofa to steady himself, then started patting Remus' leg.

Remus clumsily copied Lily and soon the toddlers were happily playing together. The adults watched them silently for a moment before Hagrid cleared his throat and began to speak.

"How are yeh feelin'? I guess tha's a stupid question – I remember when me dad died, I –" Hagrid stopped talking when Remus got to his feet. He muttered something about wanting some fresh air and quickly walked through to the kitchen. Lily and Hagrid heard the back door open and then close. Hagrid looked startled, "Wha' did I say? I didn' mean to upset yeh - I was jus' seein' if-"

"Don't worry, it was the full moon last night. I'll go talk to him." Lily walked through the dining room and kitchen, and out the back door. "Tell 'im I'm sorry." She heard Hagrid call after her.

Remus was sat on an old bench in the small paved backyard, his head in his hands. It was only now that Lily could see how pale he was and the dark circles beneath his eyes – it must have been a rough night anyway, Lily thought. She wasn't sure if Remus knew that she was there and she had opened her mouth to say something without really knowing what to say, when he spoke first.

"Go back inside, Lily. I want to be alone."

His voice was muffled and distorted by his sobs so Lily could only just make out what Remus had said. Instead of going back inside, Lily sat down next to him.

"I don't think that's true. I … I know that I can't stand being on my own. Because everything just seems too much to cope with," Lily started spilling out all her thoughts, and tears came with them. "I mean – this time yesterday everything was fine! Now, my husband's dead, I have to raise Harry on my own, I don't have a job or a home, Voldemort is still after my son and the only other family member I have left I don't talk to! How is this ever going to be ok? My life's a mess! I'm 21 and my life's a mess! I don't – What am I – How -?"

Lily grew more hysterical the longer she spoke until finally she couldn't speak anymore. Remus had taken his head out of his hands and put his arm around Lily's shoulders, pulling her closer.

"You're not on your own - you've got me and Sirius, and the whole Order."

Lily's tears were falling thick and fast, which prevented her from replying. She was thankful that Remus hadn't tried to persuade her that everything would be OK, because how did anyone know that? Even Dumbledore didn't trust Divination.

The sun gradually rose higher in the sky while the two of them sat outside, each wrapped up in their own thoughts yet grateful for the company. At one point, Lily began to shiver in the chilly November air and was going to go back inside, but Remus had taken his cloak off and wrapped it around her. She didn't question the gesture, assuming that Remus didn't really want to be left alone and not altogether wanting to go back inside to face Hagrid and anyone else who might have arrived.

It was just after noon when their silence was broken by the sound of the back door opening. Lily and Remus looked around to see Sirius stood in the doorway. He walked silently over to them and sat down on Lily's other side.

"You were a long time, was there any trouble?" Lily asked.

"No – we had to make sure it was safe to walk around, a bit of the house was still standing. And then Bathilda came over, talking to Dumbledore."

"Did you get -?" asked Remus, but he cut himself off mid sentence. Lily looked from him to Sirius, confused. But as she saw Sirius nodding a tear slowly made its way down his cheek and she understood. Suddenly, she didn't want to be sat there doing nothing, she wanted to do something,  _anything_.

The other two didn't appear to have registered Lily's change in mood, but Sirius stood up before she could say anything, wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

"They've made some sandwiches inside – coming?"

Lily and Remus got up as well and the three of them headed back indoors. The small living room was once again full of people talking in subdued voices. They went silent as Lily, Remus and Sirius entered but started again almost instantly, as if they were trying to make the situation less awkward. Only Hagrid hadn't fallen silent; he was sat cross-legged on the floor with Harry and Neville, playing with them. Even sat on the floor, he was roughly the same size as the people standing up and Lily almost laughed at how ridiculous he looked next to the two toddlers.

As Lily walked across the room to the sandwiches, she thought she could feel everyone's eyes watching her but, turning around, she could see everyone talking to their neighbours and not paying her much attention. She turned back to grab a sandwich but, once again, felt as if everybody else in the room was watching her. Lily spun round and quickly glanced around again to see if anyone was looking at her. Deciding that she was paranoid and wouldn't be able to stay in the room without thinking that people were analysing her every move, Lily muttered to Sirius.

"Where did you send all of the stuff you found?"

"In the basement, why?" Sirius frowned.

"I'm not hungry," was all Lily answered as she turned on her heel and walked out the door, into the hallway.

Lily quickly walked down the stairs after making sure that no one had followed her out of the living room. Now that she was alone, the panic she had felt in the busy room upstairs disappeared, but the urge she had had outside to do something had not. Lily lit her wand and raised it so she could look around the basement.

A large pile in the middle of the room blocked her view of the other side. Lily started to inspect it and sorting it into piles. Unfortunately, it was the type of work that kept Lily's hands busy but not her mind, which was left to wander.

Lily worked at sorting the pile for over an hour. In that time she had had to stop every ten minutes or so as her thoughts strayed too far and she started crying again. It took her an enormous amount of self-control and plenty of deep breaths to calm herself down and concentrate on what she was doing.

Eventually, the remnants of her home were divided into smaller piles so that it was easier for her to find things. Lily stood up and surveyed her work; in doing so she noticed a lumpy sheet of material by the wall behind her that she hadn't seen while working in the semi-darkness.

Her breath caught in her throat. Without thinking about it, Lily took slow silent steps towards it and knelt down by the end. She stayed there, silent, while her mind debated whether or not to pull back the sheet. Neither side had convinced her, yet she raised her shaking arm and, in one swift motion, had pulled back the white sheet to reveal what was underneath.

No doubt Dumbledore had closed his eyes before sending him to the basement. Dust from the ruins of the falling down house had settled in his dark hair, which would have made him look thirty years older if there had been wrinkles to match. Lily stared down into the blank face of her husband and the aching pain that had been ever present in her chest since the previous evening seemed to increase in intensity. For what felt like the millionth time in twenty-four hours, tears began to run down Lily's cheeks.

Only this time, they didn't stop.

The tears kept coming, and Lily didn't have the power to stop them herself. The numbness of the past few hours fell away at the realisation that James truly was never going to speak to her again and this knowledge left nothing but a gaping hole in Lily's chest where her heart used to be.


	5. Chapter Five

Lily didn't know how long she had been in the basement before someone found her – she didn't even know who it had been who had tried to comfort her, but then gave up and gently led her upstairs to the empty bedroom so she could have some peace and quiet. Over the next few weeks, she was like an empty shell going through the motions of everyday life without really living them, only speaking when spoken to and spending her days wrapped up in her pain and thoughts of the past.

"Lily. Lily.  _Lily_."

Lily looked up from the bowl of cereal she had been contemplating. She was sat at the small table in the kitchen with Sirius, who was watching her and attempting to feed Harry at the same time, and a newspaper that appeared to have grown a body, which she guessed was hiding Remus from view.

"Yes?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Jeez, I never thought I'd have to ask a girl five times to come shopping before she heard me. Me and Remus are going Christmas shopping this morning and we need your help, coming?"

"Why do you need my help?"

"Because we're  _guys_ ; we can't shop to save our lives. And even if you didn't want to help us choose presents you could at least help us carry all the bags."

"Forget it, Sirius," Remus said, emerging from behind the newspaper and folding it in half. "If she doesn't want to come then you don't have to force her, and you're not exactly making it sound like fun."

"Dumbledore said to take her with us even if it killed us."

"I know, but –" Remus began before Lily interrupted him.

"Wait – what? Dumbledore said to take me shopping, why?"

Sirius and Remus glanced at each other, unsure what to say now.

"Well?" Lily insisted.

"Well … he just thought it would be a good idea," Remus answered. "To get you out of the house, I mean. You've not done anything for over a month and we thought it would be good for you to take your mind off it."

"My husband died, Remus, what do you want me to do – skip around the house singing show tunes?" said Lily, bluntly. She couldn't explain her sudden anger even to herself, all she knew was that they seemed to be blaming her for something that wasn't her fault. Lily's remark was all it took to set off Sirius's own anger.

"And we lost two best friends in one night! But Remus and me haven't been sat around not doing anything and not talking to anyone for weeks! We've had to look after you and Harry, keep Headquarters tidy and keep on track with what's going on in the Order. I'm not saying it's been easy but we've carried on with our lives while you've not even tried."

Lily stood up.

"Give me Harry."

"Because you've been such a great mum for the last few weeks? No chance."

"Sirius!" Remus quickly got up and moved in between Lily and Sirius, as she looked ready to murder him. "Let Lily have Harry – he's her son."

Sirius reluctantly passed Harry to Lily. As soon as she had a good grip on him, Lily stalked out of the room and up the stairs.

Frank and Alice had stopped living at Headquarters after the funeral when Dumbledore had deemed it safe for them to leave, but had advised them to live with Frank's mother so that Neville would be safe – apparently Voldemort hadn't decided which child to attack next. Since then, Lily had been living in the main bedroom with Harry, while Sirius and Remus slept downstairs. The block of flats that they had been living in previously had been burnt down shortly after James' death. No doubt the Death Eaters had thought that she and Harry might have been there so they targeted it.

Once in her room, Lily sat down on the edge of the bed and settled Harry on her lap. She looked around the dark room (she hadn't bothered to open the curtains when she had woken up) and saw that the floor was littered with clothes, Harry's toys that they had rescued from their old house and anything else she had not cared about enough to put away.

"Mama."

Lily looked down at Harry's smiling face, and in that instant she knew that Sirius was right – she had been an awful mother to Harry for the last few weeks. She should have stayed strong for him but instead she neglected him while she fell deeper and deeper into her depression. Only Harry's genuine happiness at her renewed signs of affection from her could have made Lily realise this because she knew that he would forgive her as he was too young to understand that she had abandoned him.

"Hi Harry, are you ok?" Lily started bouncing Harry on her knee and he began to laugh. "I know I've not been looking after you a lot but I will from now on, I promise. I love you."

"Wuv you," copied Harry. Lily smiled and pulled out her wand, planning on amusing Harry by conjuring the puffs of coloured smoke that he had always been fond of. Harry tried to grab them for a few minutes until he suddenly stopped and turned to look up at Lily.

"Where dada?"

Lily sighed. She knew that he would ask eventually but had hoped that he would ask someone else. Her eyes began to water but she fought them back instead of allowing herself to succumb to them. Lily took a deep breath and replied,

"Daddy has gone away."

This wasn't good enough for Harry, though. He patted Lily on her arm to keep her attention.

"Where?" he asked.

"He's gone to Heaven." Lily closed her eyes, trying as hard as she could to not cry. This seemed to have satisfied Harry because he didn't ask anymore questions and Lily could feel him playing with her hair. They sat like that for a few minutes before Lily heard the sound of the door opening and she opened her eyes.

Sirius was standing by the door. When he saw Lily looking at him, he walked over to the bed and sat next to her.

"I'm sorry about before," he mumbled, not looking at her. "Moony made me come up and apologise. He said everyone deals with grief in their own way and I shouldn't have shouted."

Lily stayed silent for a moment before replying, "No, you were right. I shouldn't have gone off like that and ignored everyone." Lily looked down at Harry while she spoke, not really wanting to admit to Sirius that he was right. Instead of gloating about it like he usually did when he was right, Sirius put his arm around Lily's shoulders.

"Are you going to come then? Shopping with Remus and me? We really do need your help, you know."

Lily smiled faintly. "Of course you do. Go on, I'll go with you – if Dumbledore says it's a good idea then it probably is." She struggled to stand up as Harry was stood up on her legs as if he was trying to climb onto her shoulders.

"I'll get him," Sirius said, reaching over and picking Harry up. Almost immediately, he started trying to pull Sirius' hair out. Lily laughed, stood up and walked downstairs with Sirius.

Remus was sat in the living room, waiting for them. He looked around when they entered, a look of relief on his face.

"I didn't hear shouting – I thought you might have killed him," Remus grinned.

"Oh haha," retorted Lily. She wondered slightly at the lighthearted attitude that both of them had been displaying but decided that it was probably just a façade so Harry didn't get upset. "When are we going shopping then?"

"When Alice gets here. She has the day off and said she'd look after Harry so that he and Neville can play –"

"Lily!" interrupted Sirius. Lily turned to look at him to see that he was struggling to prevent Harry from pulling at his hair. Remus chuckled quietly but stopped at the glance Sirius shot at him. "How do you stop him from attacking me?"

"I don't know. He always did that when we wouldn't let him play with the cat and I had to give him to James –" A lump had risen in Lily's throat that stopped her from speaking. There was an awkward silence where no one seemed to know what to say, before Lily swallowed hard and muttered, "Had shorter hair."

She sat down quickly, avoiding Sirius and Remus' gaze. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily could see Sirius watching her and she was about to ask him why he was staring at her when he knelt down to sit Harry on floor and transformed into a great black dog.

Harry clapped and pulled Sirius closer so that he could play with him. Lily and Remus watched as Sirius ran around the room, tail wagging, and Harry attempted to chase him. Sirius had rolled over onto his back and Harry was tickling him when they heard the front door open and a few seconds later Albus Dumbledore and Alice Longbottom, who was carrying Neville, had walked into the room.

They froze in the doorway and so did Sirius on the floor. Lily watched as Dumbledore registered the large black dog on the cream carpet and she winced, anticipating him to be angry. Instead, he turned to Remus and spoke calmly, looking at him over the top of his half-moon glasses,

"I didn't realise we were allowing stray dogs into Headquarters."

In less than a heartbeat, Sirius had transformed back into his human form and sat up. Alice gasped in shock and even Dumbledore looked surprised.

"Who are we calling 'stray'?" Sirius asked in a mock angry voice. Remus was fighting a smile while Lily had had to clamp her mouth shut so that she didn't laugh at the look on Sirius' face. Dumbledore didn't find it amusing, however. He locked gazes with Sirius, who had the decency to look ashamed of himself.

"When were you planning on saying that you were an animagus?"

"Wait, you never told him?" Lily asked before Sirius could answer. "I thought you were going to ages ago!"

Sirius looked thankful that he could delay answering Dumbledore's question and turned to Lily.

"Well, we were going to a bit ago but I'm pretty sure that was the meeting that we found out Voldemort was after Harry, so we got distracted."

There was a silence in which Lily fidgeted awkwardly and stared at her hands, slightly guilty for not having told Dumbledore herself. She glanced up and saw that Remus looked incredibly guilty and was also avoiding everyone else's gaze. Dumbledore had moved to sit down in an armchair.

"Tell me the worst," he said, still peering at Sirius over the top of his glasses. Sirius took a deep breath and launched into the story of how he, James and Peter had become animagi.

Lily zoned out – she knew why, when and how the three of them had learnt to transform themselves into animals and didn't need to hear the story again. Plus, she didn't want to feel the heartache everytime  _his_  name was mentioned, especially now that she was trying to stay strong and not fall back into the numbness of the past month.

To keep her mind from brooding on unhappy thoughts, Lily watched Harry as he tried to divert Sirius' attention to him. However, this turned out to be a bad idea. Harry's untidy black hair and thin face reminded Lily of James every time he turned his head – the only difference was her own green eyes that were copied directly onto his face.

The sofa sank slightly as Alice sat down next to Lily. She placed Neville on the floor and quietly encouraged him to go play with Harry before turning to Lily with a solemn expression on her face.

"How are you?" Alice whispered, for Sirius was still talking. "You look better today."

Lily looked into Alice's friendly round face and felt that it was a shame that she was apparently not interested to hear how three fifteen year-olds managed to illegally become animagi right under Dumbledore's nose without him knowing, because she really did not want to have to talk about how she was feeling. But, Lily thought, she would probably have to have this conversation at some point so she might as well try to get it over with. Lily's long silence appeared to have made Alice uncomfortable because she opened her mouth to apologise, but Lily started to talk before she could get the words out.

"I – I  _think_  I feel better," whispered Lily back, uncertainly.

"Well, that's good," Alice encouraged. "We were worried about you, I mean, you weren't talking to anyone or doing anything! But I'm glad you feel better." Alice seemed to realise how her words would have sounded to Lily because she quickly added, "Not that you're going to forget about him, but at some point you'll start to be thankful for all the good times you had, instead of concentrating on him not being here."

At this, Alice glanced at Harry and Neville playing on the floor. She turned back to Lily and smiled faintly. Lily smiled back, even thought she felt that it came out as more of a grimace.

Sirius had stopped telling his story, so Lily thought it safe to look away from Alice. No one seemed to have moved except Harry and Neville who were pulling silly faces at each other. There was silence for a few minutes broken only by the giggles of the two toddlers, until Dumbledore spoke.

"I think the most we can say about that is that at least nobody was hurt, although how you managed to do it without anyone finding out is beyond me. It would be a good idea if you went to the Ministry this afternoon and registered – I know you have a shopping trip organised for this morning." Dumbledore smiled slightly and looked up at Lily. "It's good to see you up and about a bit more."

Lily nodded, unsure what to say back. Fortunately, Sirius got to his feet loudly, which saved her from thinking of something.

"Right, well, we really need to get going." He looked pointedly between Lily and Remus and they quickly followed suit. They all said goodbye to Dumbledore and Alice, Lily also thanked the latter for agreeing to baby-sit Harry.

"It's no problem, and it gives Neville someone to play with as well."

"Okay Harry, be good for Auntie Alice." Lily knelt down to kiss him goodbye. "Mummy will be back really soon."

She straightened up, taking her cloak from Remus and only remembering to snatch her wand from the coffee table at the last minute, not being used to going out for the past month. Sirius ushered them into the kitchen and shut the door behind him.

"Thanks for letting me take the brunt there, Moony," Sirius said, clearly annoyed.

"What did you want me to do? And it's not like I forced you lot to become animagi – I had no say in it whatsoever."

"Stop arguing, you two, you're like an old married couple," Lily interrupted, stopping Sirius from retaliating.

Sirius mutely grabbed a handful of floo powder from a jar on the counter and stepped into the fireplace. He said "Diagon Alley", dropped the powder and was whisked away as if he were smoke. Remus motioned for Lily to go next, she copied Sirius and soon the warm flames had engulfed her, spinning her through the network of fireplaces.


	6. Chapter Six

Lily's feet hit solid ground and she quickly stumbled out of the fireplace, her head still spinning, in order to make way for Remus.

She spotted Sirius nearby and started dusting the ash off of her robes as she walked over to him. He was talking to an attractive brown-eyed brown haired woman who, lily guessed was a few years older than themselves. The woman was clutching the hand of a young girl whose hair rapidly changed, in the few seconds that it took Lily to reach them, from blue to pink to purple.

"Lily, this is my cousin, Andromeda. She was a few years above us at Hogwarts."

"Hi," Lily said rather awkwardly. Then, with her natural friendliness kicking in, she added, "Is this your daughter?"

"Yes – Nymphadora," Andromeda smiled back warmly. At the sound of her name, the girl stopped looking around the room and said harshly, " _Don't_  call me Nymphadora."

"Don't speak to me like that. What would you rather me call you?"

Nymphadora thought about it for a moment before answering, "Tonks."

"Stop being silly, I'm not going to call you by your surname."

At this point, Remus joined them, dusting, like Lily had, the ash off his robes.

"What's going on? Hello, Andromeda," he added.

"Nymphadora doesn't want to be known by her first name anymore," she explained.

Remus tilted his head to one side, obviously trying to think of alternatives, while Sirius suggested names like "Shorty", "Hairy" and "Morphy".

"Morphy?" Remus broke out of his reverie to laugh along with Lily and Andromeda. "I knew there was a reason we didn't just let you choose our nicknames. What about Dora?"

Andromeda looked down at her currently unnamed child, "Dora?"

"Fine," she agreed after considering the name for a moment.

"Finally," smiled Andromeda. "Right, we've got to get back. It was good to see you – have fun shopping."

They waved goodbye as Andromeda and Dora stepped into the fireplace and then disappeared in a flash of green flames.

It took Lily, Remus and Sirius the better part of the morning to complete their Christmas shopping. With their arms laden with packages of all shapes and sizes the three of them were walking back to the Leaky Cauldron while Lily was complaining that she hadn't found a present for Remus, when they noticed a small crowd beginning to form outside Flourish and Blotts.

It wasn't much of a crowd, more like a small number of people stood outside the shop pondering whether to go in or not and other shoppers who were slowing down to read the banner that had been erected above the entrance:

_Damocles Belby signing copies of his new book_

Potions to Tame the Beasts

_Today!_

Beside Lily, Remus groaned.

"I didn't realise this was today."

"Why? What is it?" Lily inquired.

"He's supposed to have invented some new potions that make creatures less dangerous, like acromantula, chimaeras, vampires and –"

"Werewolves?"

"Well … yes."

"Do you think it would work?" asked Sirius.

"I don't know. I don't think it completely stops the transformations, but …"

Remus trailed off. Lily knew that he had long since resigned himself to the fact that he would be shunned by society and living with the painful transformations once (occasionally twice) a month for the rest of his life, but she couldn't understand why he wasn't more eager to try something that – if not a complete cure – could at least make the usual pain he suffered at the full moon bearable.

"Well, why don't we go in and find out?" Lily didn't wait for an answer; she turned and walked past the crowd of hesitators, straight into the shop. Behind her, Sirius and Remus raised their eyebrows at each other before hurrying along in her wake.

Inside Flourish and Blotts, it didn't take them long to spot the author, Belby. He was sat near the back of the shop at a table that was covered with piles of books. Belby seemed to have noticed their entrance, he looked up and smiled at them hopefully, his smile becoming wider once he saw them walking towards him.

"Hello," he said when Lily, Remus and Sirius had reached the table, "how are you today?"

Even though he was sat down, Lily could tell that he would tower over her if he were to stand. His strong build and steel grey hair that matched his eyes contrasted with his voice, which was gentle and polite. He seemed slightly wary of Remus and Sirius, who were stood on either side of Lily (as they had done all morning) looking round the shop to see whether there was anyone acting suspicious.

"I've been better," Lily answered. The morning's shopping had, as intended, kept her busy enough so that he thoughts did not stray to unpleasant topics, and she hoped that she could avoid thing about – about … it … while in public.

"That's a shame, pretty girl like you should have no right to be unhappy."

Lily sensed both Sirius and Remus stiffen and focus their attention on Belby. She felt nauseated at his comment, even though he was no more than five years older than her and clearly had no idea what had happened, just meaning it to be a bit of harmless flirting. Thinking that it was best to ignore his last comment, but already feeling that she didn't like his attitude, Lily decided to move the conversation onto the second reason why she had 'been better'.

"Werewolves aren't beasts."

Belby blinked and looked confused at the sudden change of topic.

"Excuse me?"

"Your book's called  _Potions to Tame the Beasts_  and it includes a potion for werewolves, but they aren't beasts."

He had regained some of his composure at Lily's explanation.

"I think you'll find that the general consensus is that werewolves are dangerous creatures and the Ministry has no problem with classifying them as beasts."

"One of my best friends is a werewolf and he is the kindest, least dangerous person I know!" At this, she saw Belby's eyes flicker from Sirius to Remus and then back to Lily quickly. "And it's neither of them," she added, to avoid an even more awkward conversation. Similar to that morning in the kitchen, Lily did not know where her anger came from – just that him saying that werewolves were beasts was deeply offensive to her, having known Remus for nearly half of her life and he was the last person who she would label thus.

"You didn't have to do that," Remus said, after Lily paid for the book and they exited the shop.

"Of course I did, it's your early Christmas present."

"That would imply that I'm getting another present as well. And I didn't mean that, I meant defending … people like me."

"You can forget about another present unless you count the potion itself. By the way, yes I did have to defend you. You're my friend so it's kind of my right to stick up for you. I'd do it for Sirius if someone started insulting him just because the rest of his family are jerks."

Sirius grinned and said, "Thanks."

The three of them walked to the apothecary next so that they could buy the ingredients. Remus flatly refused to let Lily buy them as well, as she had already bought the book and would be brewing the potion, so she gave up insisting that, because it was technically part of the present, she should buy the ingredients. Instead, Lily opened the book, flicked to the right page and began ordering Remus and Sirius to find the various ingredients in the otherwise empty shop.

"Five what?" Sirius asked in disgust.

"Five rat spleens," repeated Lily.

"I'm glad you're drinking this potion and not me," he told Remus who had returned to give Lily a bottle of armadillo bile she had asked him for.

"Just because the ingredients don't taste nice on their own doesn't mean the potion won't."

"No, I think Sirius is right, Remus," Lily said, looking down at the list of ingredients. "There's a footnote – apparently adding sugar makes it useless. I wouldn't expect it to taste like butterbeer if I were you."

Remus made a face at the same time as the bell above the entrance rang, which was almost immediately followed by the sound of wood tapping on the wall and the plump witch behind the counter saying, "No hoods please." They all glanced around to see who had entered.

Lily's heart sank.

The chin length greasy black hair was recognisable without the pale sallow face of its owner. Severus Snape lowered his hood and scanned the shop, stopping when he saw Lily, Remus and Sirius stood in a corner.

As soon as he had recognised the figure, Sirius had plunged his hand into his pocket and Lily knew that he was gripping his wand; ready to aim it at Snape if needed. They stared at each other for what seemed like hours. Snape's eyes bored into Lily's – she didn't dare blink or look away in case he took it for a sign of weakness. Eventually, he turned and started browsing the shop.

"Come on, have we got everything?" Remus asked. Sirius was watching Snape, his hand still in his pocket.

"We just need the rat spleens."

They quickly found them, paid and left the shop, all the while Sirius never took his eyes off Snape.

"I don't trust him," he growled, checking over his shoulder as they walked back to the Leaky Cauldron.

They joined the queue to use the fireplace and, soon, the three of them were stood in the kitchen at headquarters.

"Mummy!"

Harry was tottering towards them, his hands reaching towards them. Lily placed all of her parcels on the small table and picked him up.

"Uckle Seerus! Uckle Wemus!"

"Hello Harry, were you a good boy for Auntie Alice?" Lily kissed his forehead.

Alice appeared in the doorway.

"He was fine. You're just in time – I was about to make dinner. When I told the boys that, Harry ran in here. He must be hungry, or eager to help," laughed Alice.

Remus and Sirius offered to take all of the parcels to the basement, leaving Lily to talk to Alice while the latter made sandwiches for everyone.

After lunch, Sirius left to go to the Ministry and Alice said she would stay for the afternoon so that Harry and Neville could play together, but Lily had a suspicion that it had more to do with her not being able to stand living with her mother-in-law. Either way, it was good for Harry to have someone his own age around. For a while, the three adults sat in the living room (Remus was cross-legged on the floor, having been bullied into playing by Harry) making small talk. Lily didn't pay much attention to the conversation, occasionally offering her own opinion. Mostly she watched Harry, smiling sadly and seeing James in almost his every aspect: the colour of his hair, the shape of his nose, even their chins were the same. Every aspect except his eyes.

Lily felt the familiar contracting of her stomach and aching of her heart as she thought of James. Determined not to let it pull her under, Lily stood up. Alice stopped speaking mid-sentence and she and Remus looked up at her.

"Where are you going?" Remus asked innocently enough, but Lily thought she could detect a slight undertone that suggested that he was worried about her going into an empty room and locking herself in as she had been prone to in the past few weeks. She didn't mention this in her reply, however.

"I thought I'd have a look over the instructions for that potion."

Lily went down into the basement where Sirius and Remus had taken the things they had bought. She had purposefully avoided going down there since that day and fortunately it was not often necessary. Still, she had to take a deep breath and remind herself that there was nothing wrong with the room before taking the first step downstairs.

It didn't take Lily long to find the potion book. She conjured a chair and sat down to read it.

She supposed she had been down there for quite a long time rereading the instructions when she heard footsteps on the stairs. Looking up, Lily saw Remus hurrying down the steps. The early signs of panic on his face quickly turned to those of relief when he saw her and then those were replaced by nothing more than an attempt at a friendly smile.

"You've been down here a long time," he said, trying and failing to sound nonchalant.

"I'm not stupid, Remus, you and Sirius have been watching me all day, or did you really think I didn't notice the sidelong glances?" Lily grinned so he didn't think she was angry. Remus grimaced but made no other comment. "I've just been reading this," Lily added, indicating the book.

"Well," Remus moved to stand beside her and put his arm around the back of the chair, "what do you think?"

Lily didn't reply straight away; she'd had a vivid flashback of lying on the floor crying hysterically and then someone putting their arm around her, pulling her into a sitting position. Quickly forcing it to the back of her mind, she answered.

"It's one of the most complex potions I've ever seen –"

"If you don't think you'll be able to make it then you don't have to bother," Remus interrupted quickly. "Really. Maybe Sirius will –"

"If you listened then you'd find out that I was going to say I'd give it a go. I did get an Outstanding in my N.E.W.T. after all. It's just so precise; you have to start making it on the night of the new moon, then it takes a week to make and you take it twice a day for the week before and including the day of the full moon. There's literally no room for error." Lily frowned. "When's the new moon?"

"The fourteenth."

"I suppose I've got just over a week to figure out what I'm doing then."

"I've got every confidence in you."

Lily stood up and kissed him on the cheek.

"Thanks."


	7. Chapter Seven

Sirius returned in the late afternoon just as Alice and Neville were leaving. He collapsed into a chair, grumbling about the animagus registering system. Lily was sat on the sofa bouncing Harry on her knee and not really paying attention to his rant, while Remus was only half listening as he was over looking the potatoes that were peeling themselves.

"… And then they wanted to know what markings I have so I told them I didn't think I had any – it's not like I wear glasses or anything like McGonagall – and they went ballistic! They pretty much forced me to transform and started prodding me with sticks and examining me. I've not had to stop myself attacking anyone so much since we saw the Slytherin crew meeting in the forest in sixth year." He sighed. "At least one good thing came out of it."

"What was that?" Remus asked.

"I grassed up Wormtail. Told the Ministry lot that I knew of an unregistered animagus. That way there's not much he can do now: can't go out without facing some sort of punishment. Even if he tries to register they know he didn't bother for a good few years and that's worth a sentence in Azkaban."

No one spoke. Wormtail had, undoubtedly, betrayed them, but Lily still had trouble with the fact that he had also been spying on them for over a year. There was some part of her brain that insisted that he must have been coerced into it, and he had no choice but to tell Voldemort where they had lived. This theory was unreasonable, however. If he had been tortured into revealing their whereabouts, why hadn't he apologised and explained what had happened? Why had he disappeared without a trace? No, Wormtail really had swapped sides and she was going to have to get used to that.

There was a knock on the door, bring Lily back to Earth. Sirius was staring moodily around the room apparently unaware of the unknown guest and Remus' eyes had a glassy unfocused quality to them telling Lily that his mind was a million miles away. She got up to answer the door, picking Harry up and taking him with her.

"'Ello Lily, Harry," Hagrid said as he entered, and Harry responded by shouting "Hagger!" Hagrid was pulling a mass of green behind him. Lily held the door open for him as he struggled to fit what Lily now recognised as a fir tree into the cramped hallway. "I saw Sirius before an' he said the place needed decoratin' so I thought I'd start yeh off."

Sirius must have heard the commotion because he appeared in the doorway, his glum mood having been replaced by one that Lily would associate with a five-year-old on Christmas day.

"Hagrid! I didn't think you'd be able to get one so quick, here let me."

He turned back to the living room and made a sweeping motion with his wand. Then, Sirius pointed it at the tree and levitated it into the other room. Lily and Hagrid followed it (the latter had to duck to avoid banging his head on the doorframe) and saw that it had settled in front of the window.

"Seeing as we are living here I figured we should decorate headquarters up for Christmas," Sirius explained when he caught sight of Lily and Remus' bemused looks. He waved his wand and cardboard boxes appeared in the middle of the room.

"Well," Sirius said, "isn't anyone going to help?"

Remus said something about being busy making tea, otherwise they'd all end up starving. When Hagrid enthusiastically offered to help him, Remus quickly refused any help.

"No, it's ok, Hagrid, I can manage. You'd be better helping with the decorations anyway – you're so tall."

Lily struggled to refrain from smiling; they had all at one point suffered from Hagrid's cooking skills.

Remus relocated to the kitchen so he wouldn't be in the way, and the others divided up jobs: Lily was to decorate the tree, Hagrid was told to hang tinsel around the rooms and Sirius going round all of the rooms putting up festive ornaments.

Lily placed Harry on the sofa and gave him some of the Muggle wooden blocks to amuse him that Petunia had sent him for his birthday. She found the box that contained the baubles for the tree and set to work levitating them onto it.

It didn't take Lily long to decorate the tree, and she was down to the last few baubles when she sensed something floating beside her head. Lily turned her head slightly and saw one of the brightly coloured baubles hovering in mid air.

"Very funny, Sirius - just put it on the tree," Lily laughed, thinking he had entered the room and was fooling around. When he didn't reply or move the bauble, Lily looked around the room properly. It was empty except for Harry, who had got bored of the blocks and was staring at the bauble, smiling innocently.

Lily screamed and the bauble fell to the floor with a clatter. She ran over to Harry, avoiding the mess on the floor that Sirius had made when looking for specific ornaments, as Hagrid, Remus and Sirius rushed into the room, wands out – except for Hagrid, who had his pink umbrella out and looked the most threatening despite its colour.

"What is it? What's happened?" Sirius shouted. When he saw Lily crouched beside Harry, he ran to join her and added, "Is he ok? Lily,  _what happened?_ "

"Everything's ok, Harry's ok," Lily was breathless; she stared at Harry in shock. "It's just – I was putting the baubles on the tree and – Harry started levitating one!"

There was silence while everyone registered what Lily had said, which was broken by Harry saying, "Mummy – what wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong, baby. We're just surprised you levitated the bauble. Do you think you can do it again?" Lily's heart was beating frantically, thinking that she had imagined it. Harry looked at Lily and then at the bauble that had rolled to near Hagrid's feet. It stayed firmly on the ground, but, with a faint  _pop_ , Hagrid's umbrella turned from pink to blue.

The three men shouted in shock and then rushed over to join Lily and Harry. She moved to sit on the sofa and sat Harry on her knees, smiling down at him. Sirius and Remus sat down on either side of her, watching Harry with beaming smiles on their own faces. Hagrid was crouched down in front of them and they all started talking to Harry at once – the half made meal and decorating forgotten.

Lily didn't listen to the jumble of voices, her heart swelled with pride at Harry being able to do magic. She had not been worried if he was able to do magic or not; she would love him no matter what. Lily watched as the others showered Harry with praise and her smile faltered slightly at the same time as her eyes began to fill up with water. She wiped them away quickly, hoping that no one had noticed her getting upset. Unfortunately, Sirius had looked up at her at that precise moment and saw her wiping away the tears that threatened to betray her thoughts.

"Lily – what's up?"

Remus and Hagrid stopped talking and looked up at Lily as well.

"Nothing, I'm fine." Tears leaked from her eyes, contradicting her lie. Sirius and Remus both put an arm around her.

"Oh, Lily…"

More tears raced each other down Lily's cheeks. Harry appeared to notice that something was wrong and was straining his neck to look at her. Hagrid realised this and gently prised him from Lily's arms, taking him into his own and making daft faces to entertain him.

"I am proud of him – and happy – b-b-but James…" Lily tried to keep her voice as steady as she could when she spoke but she trailed off, unable to say anymore. Sirius and Remus understood what she meant, though.

"He would have been bouncing off the walls," Sirius stated, matter-of-factly. They all knew how James would have reacted to Harry doing magic for the first time: sending urgent messages to the rest of the Marauders to come visit straight away, walking around the house because he wouldn't be able to sit still, carrying Harry everywhere trying to make him charm and transfigure the household objects…

They stayed silent, wrapped up in their own thoughts. Lily took deep breaths trying to calm herself. She looked up frowning, when the smell of food wafted in from the other room.

"Dammit," Remus muttered and hurried into the kitchen.

After tea (which, thankfully, hadn't burned) Lily, Sirius, Remus and Hagrid finished decorating the house after which Lily put Harry to bed. This took longer than usual as they all insisted on holding Harry and saying goodnight to him before Lily could take him upstairs.

When she walked back into the living room, the boys had started a game of exploding snap that Hagrid was losing spectacularly. Lily sat and watched, laughing when the cards exploded in Sirius' face, leaving him with singed eyebrows and a sour face.

After an hour or so of watching the game, Lily got bored and picked up a book from the bookcase, attempting to block out the shouts of annoyance coming from the coffee table as she began to read it. Hagrid left not long after this, which seemed to be the cue for Sirius to get out a bottle of firewhiskey and down glass after glass, not speaking to anyone. Lily put her book down, yawning. She had done much more that day than she had in the past month, and was paying for her days of sitting around. Lily marked the page in her book so that she would know where she was up to and was about to say goodnight to Remus and Sirius when Remus spoke first.

"Don't you think you've had enough?"

He was watching Sirius with a frown on his face. Sirius didn't seem to notice his expression – he was pouring another drink and emptied the glass in one gulp before answering Remus,

"No."

Lily watched warily for a moment, until she decided that they were unlikely to get into a fight. She stood up and the two men looked up at her.

"Umm … I fancy an early night. I'm a bit tired – goodnight." She gave a feeble wave and hurried up the stairs. Lily thought she heard the beginning of an argument as she ascended but she didn't turn around.

Once she was in bed, the only thing Lily could hear was Harry's gentle snoring so she assumed that the argument that she thought had begun downstairs had not turned into a shouting match, although it was possible that Sirius had just passed out. Lily closed her eyes, waiting for sleep to overcome her. But her mind didn't stop thinking and her head was full of thoughts that she had attempted to suppress all day. It wasn't long before she was crying quietly into her pillow as everything that had happened to her that day washed over her: Belby flirting with her innocently, shouting at Sirius, Harry doing magic, seeing Snape at the apothecary…

Lily wondered idly what her life would be like if she had carried on being friends with Severus. Would she have been sucked into the Dark Arts or would he have turned his back on them? Would she still have married James? Probably not, she thought. They had hated each other and she could guarantee that it would have come to her having to choose between them – friendship with Severus or a family with James? That wasn't right, though, Lily argued with herself. Seventeen-year-old Lily would not have thought that dating James would result in marriage and a son whom she loved. And she had valued her friendship with Sev – all of her friendships – much more highly than her relationship with James when they had started dating. Without a doubt, she would have chosen Severus.

She sobbed harder at this personal insight, knowing how easily she would have thrown away her entire life that she had now a mere five years ago. Then even harder when she realised that she had almost been grieving over the loss of her friendship with a boy who was immersed in everything she was fighting against and that she had long made her peace with, when James had died just over a month ago.

Sitting up in bed, Lily forced herself to take deep calming breaths. She relaxed minutely, however when she stopped concentrating on her breathing, the tears came again and all attempts to sleep failed. She lay in bed, crying for hours, hoping to fall asleep. Eventually, at around midnight, Lily gave up. She got up, slipped on her dressing gown and tiptoed downstairs to get a drink, holding her wand aloft to light the way.

Lily crept through the living room where Remus and Sirius were sleeping so as not to wake them, freezing when Remus moved, not wanting him to think she was an intruder but he just rolled over on the sofa and went back to sleep. She made her way into the kitchen and waved her wand to light the candles that stood in the centre of the small table.

She made herself a drink of water and sat at the table, sipping it every now and again. Her eyes found the moon in the sky and she watched the clouds drift in front of it. Tears travelled down her cheeks without her permission as thoughts of James continued to swim through her mind. Her eyelids drooped…

A scuffling sound in the other room abruptly grabbed her attention. Lily forced her eyes open, pointing her wand into the darkness of the doorway.

"Who's there? I'm armed!"

A figure moved into the light, allowing Lily to see whom it was.

"It's me – Remus." He took one look at her and moved to sit in the seat next to her. "What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing." Lily wiped her eyes. "I couldn't sleep."

"Me neither." Remus grinned slightly as he settled into the chair. It quickly faded from his face, his eyes settling on the waning moon outside.

Lily looked up at him, confused, the flickering candles illuminating his face. He had been almost light-hearted during the day, joking with her and Sirius; now it was as if he had aged twenty years. The candlelight emphasised the premature lines on his face that he had gained since leaving Hogwarts and his expression was one that belonged on an aged war veteran, not a person barely five years out of school.

She watched Remus for a long time, wondering about the change in attitude. Had Sirius said something before? Or was it just the progression of the moon's cycle that had him depressed? And how was such a mood possible when a few hours before he was perfectly cheerful? It couldn't be his own thoughts of James that had him down, like they had her, Lily thought. He had acted so  _normal_  in the day … both of them had…

"How do you do it?" Lily's voice broke the silence, making Remus jump slightly. He spoke without turning to look at her.

"Do what?"

"How do you cope? Today, with Sirius, you were messing around. Having fun. I couldn't…"

Remus laughed humourlessly.

"You saw Sirius this evening – well I suppose it was yesterday now – did that look like coping? It's past midnight and I'm here, not sleeping like everyone else is, because the nightmares wake me up anyway, so what's the point in trying to sleep? Does that sound like I'm coping?" Lily was shocked at how harshly he spoke, and he must have realised it because he paused to shake his head. When he continued, it was in a much gentler tone of voice. "We keep ourselves busy. It takes our mind off it. Of course that means there's nothing to stop the thoughts when there's nothing to do."

Remus didn't speak again, and Lily didn't push him. They sat in silence as the minutes passed by, counting down the hours until they would have to pretend to have had a full night's sleep.

Lily's arms were crossed on the table and she rested her head on them; Remus was still staring at the moon. Her eyelids were becoming heavier by the second and not long later she didn't have the energy to keep them open. Lily felt herself drifting off to sleep in the fading candlelight.


	8. Chapter Eight

Over the next few days, Lily watched Remus and Sirius closely and realised that what Remus had said was true: while they kept themselves busy, it was possible to be almost happy. But whenever they stopped doing something, the smile slipped off their faces and they resorted to sitting on the sofa and staring blankly across the room. Lily found herself joining them in keeping busy and their depressive moments that became more and more numerous, for it was much harder to find work to do when there were three people willingly doing every chore there was.

Nights didn't get much better for Lily, either. She would go up to her bedroom after saying goodnight to Remus and Sirius, and that's when she would allow her still raw grief to overcome her and prevent her from sleeping. The tears came easily and she didn't stop them, only controlling them enough to keep quiet so Harry did not wake. Once the tears stopped, Lily would tread softly down the stairs and sit in the kitchen, meeting Remus there or waiting for him to join her.

They sat there, more often than not, in silence, only speaking to ask the time or make small talk. Lily did not mind and it seemed that Remus didn't either. Occasionally one of them would start crying and the other would comfort them – it was times like those that Lily would be glad that she wasn't sitting there alone. Eventually one or the other would fall asleep, although it was most often Lily, and then the other would take them to where they were supposed to sleep. Neither Lily nor Remus talked about their midnight rendezvous' during the day.

And so Lily fit into her new routine rather well.

A few days before Lily was to start making the Wolfsbane potion for Remus, she was sat beside a cabinet in the bedroom she had been sleeping in. She had adamantly refused Remus and Sirius' offers of help and now she was tidying the mess that had accumulated since she hadn't bothered to put things away properly. Lily picked up a pile of parchment that was on the floor (some things just felt wrong if they were done with magic, and Lily thought that sorting out a mess was one of them) and was carrying it to a desk when a small scrap fell from the pile, fluttering to the floor.

Lily sighed, dropped the pile of parchment on the desk and went back to pick up whatever had fallen. She flipped it over to see what had been written on it.

Lily stared. It was not an old piece of parchment, as she had thought it was, but an old Muggle photograph. Two young girls smiled up at her, frozen in time. The older girl had her arm around the shoulder of the younger. The elder's blonde hair was tied up in a ponytail and the dark red hair of the younger girl was half covering her face because she had ignored her parents' warning that it would be windy at the beach, Lily remembered. They had gone the summer before Lily started Hogwarts – the last summer that she and Petunia had been friends…

She stared at the photo for a long time, not looking for any hidden meaning in it, but wondering how two sisters, who had been best friends growing up, had now barely spoken in years. They still sent each other birthday and Christmas presents, and she  _had_  invited Petunia to Harry's Christening. Petunia had declined and Lily had not seen her since.

It seemed to have taken the discovery of the photograph for Lily to realise that she had started to slowly lose the people who were close to her since finding out that she was a witch: Petunia, Severus, her parents, Wormtail, James and more and more names that she recognised from school were appearing in the Prophet with announcements of their deaths, not to mention her friends in the Order who died. It was about time she attempted to extend an olive branch to those whom she thought she could reconnect with.

Gripping the photograph in her hand, Lily hurried down the stairs, nearly running into Sirius. She didn't stop to answer his questions of why she was in such a rush and soon she was rummaging in the pile of presents she had bought in Diagon Alley. Lily pulled the small package from underneath a much larger one and unwrapped the brown paper.

Lily hadn't put much thought into buying Petunia's present, merely looking for something that wasn't obviously magical. She had found the photo frame decorated with gems, which changed colour in an old shop full of second hand objects. She supposed that it could look like it was using electricity to make the gems change colour so she had bought it. Now that she had found a photo to put in it, it seemed like a much more thoughtful gift.

"What's going on?"

Sirius had followed Lily downstairs. He looked over her shoulder and saw the photograph in the frame.

"Is that you? Where did you find it?" Sirius sounded surprised.

"Yes… It was in a pile of stuff upstairs. I found it when I was tidying up. It was taken the year before I started Hogwarts."

Neither of them spoke for a while. Lily was wondering what Petunia would say if she just turned up on her doorstep; she didn't think she would be allowed to go alone – there would have to be some sort of bodyguard with her. Lily smiled at the thought of Petunia's face if she turned up with Moody.

"You want to see Petunia, don't you?"

Now it was Lily's turn to be surprised. Sirius was one of her best friends but she didn't think of him as someone who could tell what you were thinking and could have meaningful conversations with.

"I haven't seen her since I got married – she didn't even invite me to her wedding! I feel like I'm losing a lot of people at the moment. It can't hurt to try, can it?"

"We'll have to see what Dumbledore says."

Lily frowned. "Since when did we have to have Dumbledore's approval to visit my sister?"

"Since Voldemort still hasn't decided if he wants to kill Neville or Harry and you more."

Fortunately, Lily didn't have to wait long to see Dumbledore. He visited headquarters that evening to pick up a report that Elphias Doge had left on the Death Eater he had been trailing. Lily broached the subject tentatively, but he didn't seem to have much of a problem with it.

"Where does Petunia live?"

"Little Whinging."

"Does she live near Arabella Figg?"

"I don't know."

"I'll send Arabella a message tonight and find out. I am rather busy at the moment, though, so if I don't manage to get back to you here then you should go ahead. When are you planning on going?"

"I'm not sure. It'll have to be before Monday because that's when I start making Remus' potion."

"We can go tomorrow," Sirius said from behind a book he had been attempting to read for the past few days whenever they had nothing to do. "We're not doing anything, ever. The sooner I get out of this house the better."

"You do realise that I'm keeping you here for your safety? If any of you are seen out and about too much then you're a target and we don't need you in more danger than you already are." Dumbledore looked at Sirius sternly, then turned back to Lily. "Tomorrow should be fine. You should see your sister again – family is important, sometimes it just takes this time of year to understand that." He had a far off look in his eyes as he spoke but shrugged it off, smiling.

The next day, Lily, Remus, Sirius and Harry were dressed in their Muggle finest, as they would be using the Muggle public transport to get to Little Whinging. Lily had had to help Sirius pick out clothes so he wouldn't be conspicuous on the train after he had entered the kitchen wearing dungarees and a flowered shirt. Remus had burst out laughing and couldn't eat the rest of his breakfast.

It took them little over an hour to get from the train station near headquarters to the one in the town centre of Little Whinging. After which, they had to travel a further twenty minutes on a bus. Towards the end of the journey, Harry had turned an old woman's hair purple, causing mass panic until Lily surreptitiously turned it back to its original colour.

Luckily, they got off at the next stop. Once the bus had driven away, Sirius let out his bark-like laugh and Lily and Remus joined in. It took them a while to stop; getting out of the house had lifted their spirits and they were gasping for breath when they did stop laughing.

Lily pulled out a map of the area and quickly found where they were. She began pushing the buggy she had put Harry in for the day to save her from having to carry him, and Remus and Sirius followed.

"Tell me why we didn't Apparate again?" Sirius asked when they had been walking for nearly fifteen minutes.

"Because it's a heavily populated area, so they'd notice if we appeared out of nowhere. And Harry doesn't like it," Lily said through gritted teeth. She had added the comment about Harry at the last minute, knowing that it would shut Sirius up: he had been complaining almost constantly about not being able to use magic and it was finally getting on her nerves. "Besides, we're nearly there now."

Lily thought she heard Sirius mutter "about time" but ignored it. They turned a corner and saw a row of identical houses that looked as if it stretched on for miles. The nearest street sign told them that they were on Privet Drive.

"We're here," Lily announced. "So number four should be…there."

She looked round at the other two nervously; they grimaced identically at her. Lily took a deep breath and walked down the drive of number four.

Lily didn't press the doorbell straight away. She walked round to the front of the buggy so that she could see Harry and knelt down.

"Harry, I need you to be very good now and not use magic when we go inside. Do you think you can do that?"

Harry nodded, "Yes, mummy."

"Good boy." Lily straightened up and pressed the doorbell once.

They were stood outside for a while before the door opened. When it did, Petunia was stood in the doorway. Her face paled as she observed the three people in front of her.

"Hi," Lily said, smiling slightly.

"What are you doing here?" Petunia said, stiffly.

"I thought I'd come and visit. It's been a while." Lily was taken aback by Petunia's hostility and spoke quietly.

Her eyes were fixed on Sirius and Remus behind Lily. "You need bodyguards to visit?"

"Actually… yes. Can we come in?"

Petunia didn't say anything. She glared at them for a moment, pursing her lips. Then she moved aside to allow them into the house.

Lily lifted the buggy over the threshold and said a mumbled thanks to Petunia, who stared back in return. Remus and Sirius followed her inside and Petunia closed the door loudly behind them; Lily felt as if she was being trapped inside but shrugged off the feeling – it was a silly thought, there was no way Petunia could keep them in the house.

Harry looked around the hallway curiously when Lily picked him up. He spotted Petunia and tried to reach over to her.

"That's Auntie Petunia, Harry. Are you going to say hello?"

Petunia frowned but didn't say anything. As she ushered them into the kitchen at the back of the house, Harry said loudly "Eh-wo."

They settled in chairs at the table in the kitchen, Lily sat with Harry on her knee. Remus took his hesitantly and raised his eyebrows at Lily. Petunia noticed.

"What's the matter?"

"We're a bit paranoid about security," Lily said, before Remus could answer. "Being at the back of the house… Anyone could be coming from the front and we wouldn't know until they burst through the door."

"You want to sit in the lounge?" Lily thought Petunia sounded nervous about this idea.

"Actually, I'd prefer if one of us was upstairs keeping a watch on the street." Sirius answered before Lily could open her mouth. She closed her eyes – this was already not going how she would have planned.

"I'm not having you rummaging round my house, snooping into things that are non of your business!" Petunia said angrily.

"Petunia, you remember Sirius? And Remus?" Lily opened her eyes to see Petunia glaring at her.

"They were James' friends, weren't they?" Lily's stomach contracted –  _she didn't know_.

"Yes." Her voice sounded off. Apparently Petunia didn't notice because when no one said anything further she started asking after him.

"Where is James? Last time you wrote you said he wouldn't leave your son alone, always playing with him. Did he finally get a job?"

Her questions were innocent, although they had a sense of forced curiosity to them. Lily looked down at the table when she answered, willing her tears to stay back and her voice to keep steady.

"James… he-he died." A tear betrayed her, making its way silently down her cheek. Lily didn't raise her eyes, not wanting to look into Petunia's face. After a moment of silence, she couldn't take it any more and glanced up.

Petunia's previous anger had faded and was replaced by shock.

"When?"

"Halloween," Sirius answered for Lily. More tears followed the first. Lily listened while Sirius told Petunia the basics of what had happened.

"So that's why you've come? Well, you're not dragging me and my family into your freak world. I've actually managed to be happy with my life and now you're here to mess it up again, just because yours hasn't turned out quite as perfect as you thought it would be."

Lily was shocked – was that really what she thought this was about? That she was bitter that her life wasn't perfect so she wanted someone else to be the same?

"How dare you?" Lily asked, angry now. "You stopped talking to me because you were jealous, and now you think I want to make a mess of your life when really I'm just trying to make an effort to be friends again? I shouldn't even be doing this – you should be the one trying to get me back! Merry Christmas."

Lily pulled out the wrapped photo frame from a pocket in her jacket, threw it onto the table and stood up, ready to leave. She was at the door when Petunia spoke.

"Where did you get this?" she demanded.

Lily stopped but didn't turn around. "I found it in a pile of rubbish. I suppose it would have been better if it had stayed there."

There was silence for a minute, then -

"I fought you over this photo, remember? We both wanted to put it in our rooms. I won but mum and dad made me give it you when you went… away." Petunia's voice was softer now. Lily turned around.

Petunia was holding the frame in her hands, staring at the picture behind the glass. Finally, she looked up. Petunia was biting her lip as if there was something she was going to say but didn't really want to say it.

"I'm sorry. About – about James." Lily was surprised at the amount of sincerity in her voice, but had the distinct impression that that wasn't what Petunia had planned to say.

Lily nodded and sat back down in her seat. Petunia was still biting her lip, her eyes flickering up to Sirius and Remus frequently. The former was looking around the kitchen with an amused expression on his face, while the latter was watching Lily closely. Lily frowned at him, curious as to why he was watching her, but he just shook his head.

"Would you like a drink?" Petunia asked, nervously.

Soon, they all had drinks in front of them, occasionally taking a sip while they sat in awkward silence. It wasn't great, Lily thought, but at least Petunia hadn't thrown them out yet. She hadn't expected them to get along straight away, and this was a start. Lily looked down at her glass and was hopeful that she could make things up with her sister.


	9. Chapter Nine

It was a while before Lily and Petunia started talking properly. Petunia eventually allowed Remus upstairs to keep a look out and Sirius tactfully kept out of the way, playing with Harry and Petunia's son, Dudley, in the living room. This allowed the two sisters to talk in private, only interrupted by the occasional screaming that was usually followed by Sirius reluctantly telling Harry off and muttering a spell to reverse what Harry had just done.

They stayed at Privet Drive all day. Lily and Petunia didn't spend long talking about why Lily was there or what had caused their estrangement, but spent most of the day updating one another on their lives and reminiscing about their childhood. As long as Lily avoided mentioning magic, Petunia was happy enough.

Petunia had married her high school boyfriend, Vernon Dursley. Lily was surprised at this; she remembered Vernon's sister, Marjorie, from school and her and Petunia couldn't have disliked each other more. Vernon had taken a job at a local firm that made drills as soon as he had left school and had been promoted quickly – he was now director of the firm. Their son, Dudley, was a month older than Harry; pictures of him hung in nearly every room of the house.

The room gradually darkened around them and Lily was surprised that the day had gone so quickly. Sirius shouted from the living room. Lily got up warily to see what he wanted – he was not used to being around so much Muggle technology and she dreaded what he might have done.

He was sat in darkness, surrounded by cuddly toys that the boys were playing with.

"What are you doing in the dark?"

"I think the better question is why don't Muggles have lamps?"

Lily flicked a switch on the wall. They all blinked as the sudden brightness blinded them. Sirius stood up and inspected the light switch.

"That little thing turns the lights on? If I didn't know what magic was really like I'd say that was it!"

"It's called electricity, Sirius. You took Muggle Studies, how do you not remember?"

"Yeah, but I dropped it after my O.W.L. didn't I? It was so boring it was barely worth taking it to annoy mum."

Lily rolled her eyes, but Petunia seemed confused by the comment.

"Why did you take a subject just to annoy your mother if it was boring?"

"My whole family are pure-blood supremacists," Sirius answered darkly, as if that was the only explanation required.

"They hate anything to do with Mug- non-magic people," Lily explained further. "So having a son who was learning about all the technology and your way of living didn't please them much. Sirius hates them for it and did his best to make them take him out of their wills."

"I wonder if it worked," Sirius said, dreamily.

"Probably," Lily laughed. "And if not, then at least you managed to get them all after your blood."

"Ah, well. You win some, you lose some." Sirius grinned. "Shouldn't we be going? There's a meeting tonight."

"Yes, I think we should." She turned to Petunia. "Thanks for –"

"AAAAAH!"

Remus had Apparated into the living room, making Petunia scream.

"Sorry," he said, "but there's a silver car slowing down outside and I don't know if –"

"You think the Death Eaters have learned how to drive?" Sirius asked, amused.

Remus looked as if he was about to say something but he held his tongue. They heard a car turning into the driveway. Petunia glanced at a clock.

"It'll be Vernon coming home."

She hurried into the hallway to greet her husband. Lily heard Vernon's surprise that there were visitors. She couldn't make out the exact words of their mumbled conversation, but when he entered the room he looked cautious and slightly afraid.

Vernon Dursley was a big, beefy man, with thick black hair and a matching moustache. His small blue eyes carefully studied each of them in the room before muttering a greeting and walking back out. Petunia followed him.

Lily picked up Harry, getting ready to leave, when the doorbell rang. They heard Vernon grumbling about not having a chance to sit down, when Remus – who was nearest the window and had glanced outside to see who was at the door - shouted.

"DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR!"

Lily's eyes widened and her heart started to beat loudly; she nearly lost her grip on Harry.

Three things happened almost simultaneously.

Remus turned back to look at Lily, panic clearly showing on his face; Vernon put his head round the door, ready to shout that it was his house and would do what he wanted; and they heard a loud  _bang_  that told them that the front door had been blasted off its hinges.

Lily, Remus and Sirius froze for less than a heartbeat to look at each other. Then, they acted as if they had planned what to do if this situation occurred.

Remus grabbed Dudley off the floor and Disapparated immediately. Vernon saw this and started shouting. He didn't manage to get much more than gibberish out before Sirius and Lily pushed him behind them, running into the hall. Petunia screamed as she joined them in the hallway – Lily pushed Harry into her arms, and then turned to face the intruders with Sirius.

A small group of masked Death Eaters stepped over the threshold and into the house. Lily and Sirius raised their wands and started firing spells at them, ducking to avoid those that were thrown back at them and having to drag Petunia and Vernon down so they wouldn't be hit.

The Death Eaters advanced into the house, forcing Lily and Sirius to take steps backwards in order to maintain a safe distance between them. Lily aimed a Stunning Spell at one of them, who ducked to avoid it. As he ducked, he fell into a Death Eater that was dodging one of Sirius' and his mask became dislodged.

Severus Snape ripped the mask off, hatred and disgust etched into the lines in his face.

Sirius snarled beside Lily and he turned to concentrate all of his effort onto Snape.

Two of the Death Eaters had fallen, leaving Lily duelling another two while Sirius and Snape focused on each other. She ducked a jet of green light, yanking on Petunia's arm to make her dodge it just in time. A second jet of light came at her but she didn't get the chance to block it – Lily was thrown backwards onto the floor. She dropped her wand and it rolled through the open door into the kitchen.

Lily banged her head on the floor and she could hear a ringing in her ears that was accompanied by faint shrieks. The room was swimming around her. She blinked to try to make her vision focus.

The Death Eaters she had been fighting advanced upon Petunia.

Sirius had noticed that Lily was in trouble. He sent a jet of light at one of the Death Eaters but he easily deflected it. While Sirius had been distracted, Snape aimed a spell at him that hit its target.

Sirius collapsed in pain, and Lily knew that hope was lost. She crawled backwards trying to find her wand, watching the Death Eaters attempt to persuade Petunia to give Harry to them. Snape joined them, forcing his way to the front.

The shouting and loud noises had upset Harry and he was crying. The light bulbs started flickering, distracting the Death Eaters enough to make them look around in panic – their unfamiliarity with Muggle technology caused them alarm.

Ignoring the dizziness, Lily used their distraction and climbed to her feet. She ran into the kitchen, spotted her wand underneath a chair and had barely looked up when she saw a flash of light accompanied by renewed shouting.

Lily sprinted back into the hall, her heart beating loudly, fearing the worst. Instead, she saw Remus stood where the front door should have been, firing spells at the Death Eaters who had been caught unaware. Sirius had climbed back to his feet and rejoined the duel.

"Where's Dudley?" Lily shouted to Remus, running back in front of Petunia and Vernon as they cowered in a corner.

"He's safe. I left him at-"

Lily didn't hear the rest of the sentence; a spell ricocheted of the wall and hit the banister, exploding in flames.

"Come on, LET'S GO!"

Lily span round, reached for Petunia's arm and pulled Harry out of her arms; she did not know whether it would be safe for Petunia to carry Harry during Apparition. She saw Sirius run over to Vernon and Remus took over the duel to allow the five of them to get away before Lily Disapparated.

Lily released Petunia once she felt her feet hit solid ground. She leaned backwards against the wall of the alley they had Apparated into. Harry was crying again and Lily thought she heard Petunia vomit. She closed her eyes and let herself slide down to the bottom of the wall, her strength failing.

How had they known? No one knew that they were going today, they had only decided last night! In fact, barely anyone had known at all: themselves, Dumbledore, Arabella… She didn't even know if Arabella had known when they were planning to go.

No, Lily thought. The Death Eaters hadn't known that they would be there – they  _couldn't_  have. They must have just decided to see if Petunia knew where they were, see if they could torture information out of her. But how had they known where she lived?

Wormtail.

Only two Death Eaters knew that she had a sister: Snape and Wormtail. Obviously more did now, but that was beside the point. And only one of those would have the slightest chance of knowing where Petunia lived. Had Lily ever talked about where Petunia lived in front of Wormtail? It seemed unlikely, but it was possible.

Now here she was. Once again in the alley near headquarters, with a crying son and having just escaped from people who would do whatever they could to kill him. Lily breathed deeply, trying to not allow the panic and fear inside her to show itself.

But how could she not be scared? This was the second time in less than two months that she had feared for her and Harry's lives, except this time there had been more people to save, more innocent people who could have been killed. Death Eaters were ruthless – everyone knew that – and they wouldn't have cared (heck, they probably would have been happier) if a few Muggles and Order members were killed while trying to get to Harry.

Just more people that she, Lily, would have had to learn to live without.

Petunia had stopped vomiting, leaving the alley silent except for Harry's cries.

Silence…

Lily opened her eyes.

She had expected to meet up with Sirius and Remus in this alley; there was nowhere else for them to Disapparate to. Her initial panic had prevented her from realising that Sirius and Remus had not joined them.

They couldn't have been prevented from Disapparating, could they? She had been sure that Sirius had grabbed Vernon and was about to Disapparate when she had – Remus would have gone as soon as he saw Sirius Disapparate.

Unless one of them had been injured…

The panic swelled inside Lily again, but before she could think any further or calm down, Petunia rounded on her. Her face was pale and she looked weak. That didn't stop her anger.

" _Trying to make an effort to be friends again_? I don't know why I believed you!  _Of course_  you wanted to mess my life up! You came to visit me knowing those freaks would try to follow. You  _knew_  they were after you but you still led them straight to my family! I will never understand you lot, NEVER! Where are my husband and son? Your stupid friends have probably kidnapped them, if they haven't already been killed!"

Lily tried her best not to get angry. She knew Petunia had a perfectly good reason to shout and shriek and it was very unlikely that she would believe Lily if she explained. Lily had just opened her mouth to say something, though she did not know what, when there was a loud  _crack_.

A dark figure had Apparated into the small alley.

Lily raised her wand automatically, squinting to see who it was in the darkness. The silhouette was not slender enough for it to be Remus or Sirius and when it spoke, it did so in a deep, gruff voice.

" _Lumos_."


	10. Chapter Ten

The blinding light hurt Lily's eyes, causing her to look away. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Petunia backing away towards the entrance of the alley. Lily wanted to shout at her to come back – she didn't know where she was and could easily get lost, which would lead to everyone panicking – but Harry's cries had intensified and she didn't think her voice was strong enough to be heard over them.

Lily's wand arm was shaking as she pointed it into the centre of the light. It would be incredibly easy for the man to attack her; her mind was empty of any spells that she could use to defend herself and the relief of getting away from the other Death Eaters had robbed her of her strength. Lily's eyes started to adjust to the sudden light and she squinted to see who it was that had Apparated.

She couldn't see past the bright light, which was coming nearer in the darkness. Lily didn't realise how close it was until she felt a strong grip on her shoulder and she flinched automatically.

"What are you doing out here? Get up – get up!" The rough voice said, except this time, Lily thought it sounded familiar. "What were you thinking, going out of headquarters in the dark?"

"M-Moody?" Lily asked.

"Well, who else did you think it was?" Alastor Moody pulled Lily to her feet. "What were you  _doing_?" He growled, his small dark eyes quickly scanning the alleyway.

"Dumbledore… he said I could go visit Petunia." Lily glanced in her direction and was thankful that she had stopped trying to get away.

"That doesn't explain why you've not got any guards with you at night with the boy."

"Death Eaters attacked the house - we barely got away. Sirius and Remus must have Apparated somewhere else!" The panic rose in Lily as she spoke, causing her voice to crack towards the end of the sentence.

"Come on, let's get inside headquarters. Then we can find out what happened to the other two." For once, Moody wasn't barking orders - he spoke softly so Lily didn't upset further.

"We can't - Petunia won't be able to get in." Lily was fighting back tears at this point. Her panic and worry for Sirius and Remus was paramount and Petunia was angry at her again; this was the last way she would have expected today to have turned out.

Moody was about to suggest something when Petunia groaned loudly. He turned to her immediately, brandishing his wand threateningly.

"What is it? What's the matter?" Lily asked, her heart beating loudly – had the Death Eaters hit her with a slow-acting curse? When Petunia answered, though, Lily wanted to throttle her for causing them to panic again.

"It's nothing, Mrs Figg wanted to me to visit with Dudley today but I –" Petunia faltered under Moody's gaze. He was glaring at her, presumably for making him panic for no reason, and didn't lower his wand.

"Mrs Figg?" Lily asked, after a moment. "Arabella Figg?"

"Yes – you don't – she's not-?" Petunia looked as if the ground had fallen from under her feet.

"She's not a witch, but she knows Dumbledore." Lily turned to Moody, with a sudden idea. "Do you think it would be safe?"

"Can't see why not," he grunted, his thoughts on the same line as Lily's. "Dumbledore makes sure the Death Eaters don't know about her, otherwise they'd kidnap her and she wouldn't be able to fight back."

"What if there are Muggles there?"

"I was under the impression that that was what memory charms are for." Moody raised an eyebrow, making his heavily scarred face even more grotesque.

"Right," Lily muttered adjusting her grip on Harry. Moody walked over to Petunia, who looked like a deer caught in headlights. She looked at him warily, but he did nothing to reassure her; his eyes scanned the alley once more to make sure for a final time that no one was spying on them.

He nodded slightly. Lily took that to mean that it was OK to Disapparate and she turned on the spot yet again, feeling herself disappear into darkness.

Lily heard the scream even before her feet had touched the floor. Her eyes snapped open and she barely had time to register the brightly lit room when two very familiar voices shouted her name.

"LILY!"

Harry was crying again. Lily turned around in panic at all of the shouting and saw Sirius and Remus rushing towards her. They both hugged her awkwardly, allowing Lily to see over their shoulders at Vernon. He was sat on the edge of an armchair holding Dudley and staring at her with wide eyes. Lily guessed that it was he who had screamed when she had Apparated into the room.

There was a  _crack_  and Moody and Petunia appeared. Vernon got up and walked over to a shaking Petunia, who looked relieved at the sight of her husband and son.

Sirius and Remus released Lily. Sirius took Harry off her and began to pace around the room to calm him down, giving Lily the opportunity to register her surroundings properly.

She had arrived in what Lily assumed was the living room. The curtains were closed so Lily couldn't see if anything was happening outside. The sofa and armchairs were all facing the television and a small Christmas tree stood on a coffee table. Photographs of cats covered almost every surface and, as Lily looked around, she saw one peering up at her from under one of the chairs. The room had a slight smell of cabbage about it.

Lily spotted a woman stood in the doorway, awkwardly watching everyone in the room. She had brown hair that was streaked liberally with grey. Lily vaguely recognised her as Mrs Figg, who had attended a few Order meetings, when she was able to get to headquarters, and had given Lily their cat. She waved at Lily in greeting and then disappeared into the hallway

Remus put his arm around Lily, leading her over to an armchair where she sat down and he knelt beside her, his elbows on the arm propping him up. At the same time, Moody walked over to the curtains and pulled them apart slightly so he could see outside.

"Are you okay? We were panicking when you didn't turn up here … thought you'd been caught or something." Remus didn't try to hide his concern and his face was still lined with worry.

"I'm fine." Remus raised his eyebrows at her and Lily realised she was shaking. Petunia and Vernon had moved to sit down on the sofa and they were playing with Dudley. "I'm fine – just a bit shaken up. Moody Apparated into the alley and scared us."

"Why didn't you come here? I said that I'd left Dudley here – I thought you'd know where to come!" His voice rose almost to a shout as he spoke.

"I mustn't have heard you – the banister exploded straight after. Why are you shouting?" Lily kept her voice low.

"I'm sorry," Remus said, and he looked it, too, at Lily's reprimand. "I'm just relieved that you and Harry are alright."

They were silent for a while. Sirius had managed to make Harry stop crying and was sat in the armchair opposite Lily. Mrs Figg had disappeared into the hallway, Vernon and Petunia were talking quietly and Moody hadn't moved from the window.

"Is there anyone out there, Moody?" Lily asked.

"Nope, no one," He answered. "Nothing's happening. Everything looks fine, best not to-"

"Nothing?" Vernon interrupted, his face turning purple quicker than Lily had ever seen. "I saw out there before – my house is on fire and you're saying that nothing's happening?"

Moody turned to look at him. The bravado that Vernon had shown faltered and he looked as if he wanted to vanish. This change in attitude didn't quite satisfy Moody, however.

"Do you know how lucky you are to be alive? If these three hadn't been there by chance then you'd be burning with your house. When I say that nothing's happening, I mean that no one is out there dying; do you get that, Dursley? Because I don't care whether everything you own has been burnt to ashes as long as the scum who attack innocents aren't killing more people. Do you understand?"

He gave Vernon one last look and turned away from him. Then, he spoke to Lily, Remus and Sirius.

"I'll have to get back to headquarters. You three stay here. I'll tell Dumbledore what happened."

With that, he turned on the spot and Disapparated.

"Did I hear someone Disapparate?" Mrs Figg entered the room, looking round.

"Moody went to headquarters to tell Dumbledore what happened," Sirius informed her.

"Oh, yes, I forgot there was supposed to be a meeting tonight. Is anyone hungry? I can put something in the oven for everyone."

At Mrs Figg's words, Lily realised she was starving. Everyone nodded and, soon, they could smell the sausages cooking from the kitchen.

It didn't take them long to devour the meal Mrs Figg had provided and Lily was trying to persuade Harry to eat the last of the chips on his plate. The room had been virtually silent while they had been eating; any attempts to make conversation had quickly ended in failure. So when there was a quiet  _pop_  to announce someone Apparating, everyone heard it and looked up to see who it was.

Lily saw the distinguishing waist length white hair and beard of Albus Dumbledore. His face was grave and Lily had opened her mouth to ask what was wrong when he shook his head minutely. Dumbledore turned to Mrs Figg first.

"Thank you, Arabella, for allowing everyone to take refuge in your house this evening."

"It's no problem, Albus. I don't have nearly enough company a lot of the time. And it's good to be of use for the Order."

He inclined his head to her. Then, looked over to where Lily, Remus and Sirius sat on the floor attempting to force Harry to finish his meal.

"What happened?"

Sirius launched into the story, with input from Lily and Remus whenever he missed something. When he mentioned that Snape was there, his voice turned dark, but Dumbledore didn't comment. Lily did, however, when Sirius said that the Death Eaters had known there was a chance they would be there.

"What do you mean?  _We_  didn't even know we were going until yesterday?"

"We saw him in Diagon Alley."

"So?"

"So he knew that you weren't staying house-bound anymore," Remus answered first, a look of realization on his face. "Don't you think he'd know that you'd want to get back in touch with Petunia?"

Lily was dumbstruck. Yes, there was the possibility that he would guess that she'd want to get back in touch with Petunia, but it was a massive coincidence that they happened to turn up on the same day.

"Well, yes, but he couldn't have known that we'd go today. It was just chance."

"Chance that we'd be there as well, yeah. They can't have been expecting us, otherwise they would have just burst in to catch us off-guard. But what if they just wanted information on you? If they thought you might have already been then they would have been able to get as much information as they could. And if you hadn't, what did it matter?" Sirius spoke matter-of-factly. He was right, of course. Lily had already figured out that it didn't matter to the Death Eaters if Petunia and her family had been killed.

There was silence while Sirius' words sank in. Surprisingly, the silence was broken by Petunia.

"When you say  _Snape_ …" She directed at Lily. Lily sighed.

"Severus, yes." Lily didn't say any more, and Petunia seemed to realise that it was a subject she didn't want to talk about.

Sirius finished telling Dumbledore what had happened without any more interruptions. When he had stopped talking, Dumbledore nodded slowly as if he had barely registered that Sirius had finished. Then, he turned to Petunia and Vernon.

"I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Through no fault of your own the Death Eaters have targeted you, and now you've got to get your lives back in order. To start, you'll be given protection by the Order so that if they decide to attack again you won't be on your own, if that is alright with yourselves, of course?"

Petunia's eyes were wide while Dumbledore spoke and she nodded as if she had no choice.

"Excellent. Now we can't do anything about your house without the Muggles wondering how it was fixed so easily, so we'll have to find other living arrangements for you-"

"What about my job? I can't just move to the other side of the country!" interrupted Vernon.

"Well of course we'll do our best to keep you in this area." Dumbledore paused for a moment, before inclining his head towards Mrs Figg. "Do you think it would be possible for Mr and Mrs Dursley to stay here for a while?"

"I have a spare bedroom they can sleep in, it wouldn't be a problem."

"That's settled then. Lily, Sirius, Remus – you should get back to headquarters. I'll accompany you just in case of trouble-"

"Hang on," Vernon interrupted again. Lily marvelled at his rudeness, "so you're not even going to see if it's okay with us, living here?"

"I was under the impression you wanted to stay nearby in order to be able to continue at your work, Mr Dursley. If that isn't the case, I'm afraid you didn't quite make yourself clear. Forgive me; I  _am_  getting on in years now," Dumbledore said politely, but Lily could tell that he was masking his annoyance. Vernon turned puce and leaned back on the sofa, having clearly given up on his argument. "I think we best be going now. Arabella – thank you for your hospitality. It was nice meeting you," he added to Petunia and Vernon.

Lily, Remus and Sirius stood up stiffly. Lily went over to the sofa to say goodbye to Petunia.

"I'm sorry about today. We didn't expect anything to happen."

"Yes, I know."

Lily smiled at her sister tentatively. "I'll keep in touch, okay?"

"Okay." Petunia smiled back.

Lily walked back over to where Dumbledore and the others were stood waiting to Disapparate, thinking that, for the first time that day, she had finally made some progress in patching up the rift between herself and Petunia.


	11. Chapter Eleven

The next few days saw Lily jumping at loud noises and carrying her wand with her everywhere she went. She knew that there was no reason for it – Dumbledore was the Secret Keeper for headquarters and it was impossible for Death Eaters to gain entrance without him telling them specifically where it was – but the attack on Privet Drive had unnerved her and her actions weren't harming anyone.

It probably didn't help that there was now only two of them staying at headquarters during the day. Sirius hadn't stopped complaining about being stuck in the house and Dumbledore had finally given in to his whinging; he was now the protection for Petunia and her family that Dumbledore had promised. Dumbledore didn't seem happy that there would only be Remus at headquarters, but there was no one else to do the job.

Sirius didn't appear to be entirely pleased with his assignment, but he didn't say anything in the presence of anyone other than Lily and Remus, fearing that it would be taken off him and he'd be back to moping around the house all day. However, it did prove useful for Lily, who, despite not knowing how she was going to be able to at the time, had promised to keep in contact with Petunia. Now, she was able to get updates on how she was, with Sirius' additional comments about how much she spoilt Dudley and what an annoying kid he was.

Lily spent the Monday after they had visited Privet Drive poring over a potions book and preparing ingredients. For that night it would be the new moon and she would have to start making the Wolfsbane potion. She hadn't made potions regularly since Hogwarts and was a bit uncertain about whether she would be able to brew one this complex, but she knew she had to give it a go for Remus.

As Lily finished setting everything up so she could start the potion later that evening, Remus began to cook tea. She stayed in the kitchen to keep him company; having left him to take care of Harry for the day while she checked and double checked ingredients, Lily felt a bit guilty. When she mentioned this, he shrugged it off.

"It's not a problem. Sure, if Harry was the worst child in the world, then I might complain. But it's not as if you dumped him on me while you went out for some drinks with other Order members or whatever – you're trying to help me."

Lily watched him cook for a while in silence, keeping a firm hold on Harry so he didn't decide that the armadillo bile would serve as a better meal. She watched as Remus chopped the vegetables precisely, adding them to the stew at intervals, taking sips of it now and then to get the flavour right. His usually dark brown eyes looked brighter and the circles under his eyes appeared less pronounced. Lily wondered whether the change in his appearance was due to the fact that there would be no moon in the sky that night, or just that he enjoyed cooking.

After a few more minutes of silence, in which Lily didn't want to disturb his concentration, Remus sat down at the table with her having left the stew to simmer. He glanced towards the other side of the table where the potion ingredients were and pulled a face.

"What's the matter?" Lily asked, cautiously.

"It's nothing."

"Tell me anyway."

Remus rolled his eyes.

"I was just thinking that I'm glad you're making that potion instead of me. Knowing my luck, I'd do it completely wrong and end up killing myself."

"What? I've just watched you cook from scratch without so much as glancing at any sort of recipe. How is cooking any different from brewing potions? You still follow instructions."

"The  _very important_  difference is that you can taste food to make sure it's right. It doesn't work if you try that with potions."

Lily thought about it for a moment. "Fair enough."

"Come on, you've got to see where I'm coming from. Cooking is a lot more relaxing than making potions – with potions you have to follow the instructions exactly or you end with a load of mush at best. You can start experimenting with anything when you cook."

"But if you start adding anything then it'll turn out awful."

"Well, you learn when to stop. It's mostly common sense, really. You wouldn't add chocolate to a vegetable dish."

"I think I know someone who would."

"Harry?" Remus grinned.

"No, Sirius."

They laughed. It had been so long since Lily had felt light-hearted. Even before … that night …they had made the best out of the situation that they could, but knowing that Voldemort was after them had been stressful, and there hadn't been much reason to laugh. Despite the situation being worse now, Lily seemed to have developed a part of her brain that she was able force the unhappiness into, and being constantly surrounded by other people forced her to not think about it. This gave her a chance to have fun and laugh with her friends.

As soon as Lily realised this, her laugh faded. She watched as the smile slid from Remus' face as well.

"It doesn't go away, does it?"

Lily shook her head, sudden tears threatening to run down her face.

"It's just… I think that I've stopped thinking about it… but then… it feels wrong when I'm having fun…and it all comes back."

A lump rose in her throat, restricting her speech. Lily hugged Harry closer to her.

"Do you think it'll ever go away?" She whispered.

"I don't know." Remus looked down, shaking his head slowly. "Do you want it to go away?"

"I want the pain to go away," Lily said, and she could hear it clearly in her voice. "I still love him, but… if it stopped hurting… when I think about him… I think I could manage."

Remus didn't say anything straight away; he stared down at his fingers on the tabletop. Then, he spoke, still staring down.

"Time makes everything easier – that's what they say, at least. I think that, one day, you'll be able to be happy for the time you spent together."

"Do you really think that?"

"Seriously?" Remus looked up at her. "I don't have a clue. I've never been in your position and, to be honest, I don't even want to imagine how you're feeling. My own grief is bad enough." He paused. "That sounds really harsh, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I know what you mean."

He got up, then, to check on the stew. Lily stayed sat down, wrapped up in her thoughts. She wondered whether there would be a day when her heart didn't ache, her stomach didn't contract when she thought of James. It didn't feel like there would be. At the moment, it felt as if the pain would never go away and she would feel like this everyday for the rest of her life.

The sound of the front door opening and closing brought Lily back to the present. She reached for her wand automatically.

"Who's there?" She shouted.

"It's me," Sirius' voice answered, moments before he came into view.

"How do we know it's really you? A Death Eater might be using Polyjuice Potion."

"Because even if a Death Eater  _was_  using Polyjuice, they still wouldn't know where headquarters was," he answered. "Oh, and…"

Sirius transformed into the great black dog and bounded over to where Lily was sat. He placed his front paws on her knee so that he was face-to-face with Harry, and started licking his Godson's face, making him laugh.

"Stop it, Padfoot. I gave Harry a bath this morning and I don't know where you've been."

Sirius gave her a distinctly un-canine like look, transformed back into his human form and settled into a chair next to her.

"What's for tea?" He asked Remus.

"Stew."

"Stew? Really? Since when have we been on a budget?"

"We're not. There was some unused veg so I thought we should eat it. Have you got a problem with it?"

"No," he shrugged and then turned to Lily. "I hate your sister."

"Don't say that, Sirius, I'm trying to get back on speaking terms with her. What happened today?"

"Absolutely nothing. I was bored so I was just charming things and Petunia started giving me really dirty looks so I stopped."

Lily knew that this couldn't have been all that happened. "And?"

"I transformed, but then all of Figg's kneazles started attacking me. So I was trying to get them to leave me alone and she just started telling me to stop it and that I was upsetting her brat of a son. I ended up going outside in the snow to keep an eye out."

"Well, you know that Petunia doesn't like magic. You probably made it worse when you transformed."

"What else do you want me to do? There's nothing to do -  _at all_  - and those boxes that they watch all day –"

"-Televisions-"

"- give me headaches."

Lily sighed. It hadn't been the best idea to send Sirius to spend the days in Muggle company, not being used to it and not having the patience to just sit it out. Still, he had celebrated at the chance to get out of headquarters on a daily basis and it was this, perhaps, that stopped him from adding "I'd rather stay here and sit around all day" whenever he complained about it.

Remus ladled the stew into the bowls in front of them and they ate in silence. Once they had finished and tidied up, they retired to the living room. Sirius had taken to playing with Harry every evening to make up for not being there during the day and tonight was no exception. Lily didn't mind most days as it gave her a break from looking after him, but today she had concentrated on the potion and hadn't spent much time with Harry. As a result, she joined them sat on the floor and was soon surrounded by toys.

Lily lost track of the time while she was playing with Harry. It had been a long time since she had let herself relax and play with him – even though she didn't have anything to do and looking after Harry was all she did now, her thoughts had often been elsewhere. Somehow, she had managed to force everything else to the back of her mind, allowing her to pay full attention to her son.

"Moony? What's the matter?" Sirius had looked up and, at his words, Lily did too.

Remus had collapsed into a chair soon after tea and started reading a book. He had put the book down was now sat, slumped in his chair, with his eyes closed. He opened them groggily.

"Hmm? Nothing, I'm just tired," Remus yawned.

Lily glanced at the clock.

"It's half eight! Harry should have gone to bed half an hour ago." She stood up, taking Harry with her. "Are you sure you're OK, Remus?"

"I'm fine, just tired." Lily scrutinised his face: the circles under his eyes were back and more lines seemed to have appeared over the course of the evening. "It's the new moon, Lily, nothing to worry about."

"If you want an early night you can sleep in the bedroom and I'll stay down here for the night. I'm going to be up until at least ten starting that potion so you wouldn't get any extra sleep in here."

Remus looked as if he was about to reject the offer, but quickly decided that it was the better option.

Sirius said goodnight to Harry and Remus. Lily went up to put Harry to bed and, half an hour later, she was sat in the kitchen in front of the cauldron adding the ground up asphodel petals to the potion that was simmering quietly in the fireplace. Ingredients had to be added every twelve hours and Lily had worked out that if she started it at nine o'clock at night then she would be able to be up in time in the morning to continue.

Sirius joined her in the kitchen. Lily was too busy concentrating on adding the correct ingredients for them to start a conversation, but he stayed anyway. As she had predicted, it took Lily just over an hour to complete the first stage of the potion. When she had finished, she set the cauldron over the fire at a low temperature so that it would keep warm overnight. Lily's movements stirred Sirius from his thoughts and he sat up properly in his chair, having sat with his arms in front of him on the table and his head resting on them for the better part of the past hour. Sirius yawned.

"You know you didn't have to sit up and watch me for an hour."

"I know. I just felt like I hadn't spent any time in decent company in the past few days."

"I thought you'd be happier now you weren't sitting in the house all day and you weren't stuck in the same company."

"Trust me, I'd much rather be here with you and Remus than having to put up with your sister and old Figg - neither are great conversationalists. I know I was complaining about being in this house all day, but I want to be out there doing something, not just sitting in another house all day."

"Dumbledore says it's too dangerous for us to be going out all the time. He's only trying to keep us safe."

"You know as well as I do that that's not true. We're in no more danger than anyone else is, as long as one of the three of us is still alive to look after Harry. It's not as if one of us can tell the Death Eaters where he is anyway."

"Why would he keep us locked up then?"

"I dunno. Maybe he thinks we're not up to it, after…" Sirius paused, and didn't finish the sentence. Instead, he moved on. "He's wrong if he thinks that, because there's nothing I'd rather do than fight a few Death Eaters, especially Snape."

"Or maybe  _that's_  why he won't let you do anything, because he knows you'd rush into any opportunity for a duel." Lily grinned wryly. Sirius laughed.

"Could be. I don't see any problem with it though." His smile faded. "We're never going to win this war if we stay defensive. We've got to take some risks."

"Don't you think Dumbledore knows that? He did fight against Grindelwald, he knows what needs to be done. And taking risks is fine, but people die. Have you stopped and thought about how many we've lost in the past year? The McKinnons, Dorcas, Fabian and Gideon…" Lily didn't add the name of the most recent casualty to the list. She knew that Sirius would have immediately thought of him. "There's not enough of us," Lily added in a whisper.

"I just can't sit here while he grows stronger. Next thing you know, he'll be taking over the Ministry, and then Hogwarts."

"Dumbledore would never let that happen."

"What if Dumbledore isn't around to stop him?"

"Don't even say that, Sirius."

"It's a possibility."

"Yes, but it's also a possibility that all of us could die tomorrow. It's no good to think of all the possibilities - you've got to think that we will all make it through and that it's going to be alright." Lily stood up. "I'm going to bed, I need to be up early to do more of the potion. Goodnight."

"'Night."

Lily went to the living room and Summoned a sleeping bag that was hidden behind the sofa during the day. She changed into her pyjamas and climbed into it. Settling onto the sofa ready to sleep, she thought she heard Sirius open a bottle in the kitchen and pour a glass.

She lay there for a long time, listening to Sirius become more and more drunk. There was next to no chance that Remus would come downstairs to meet her in the kitchen like they normally did. Lily waited for sleep, not wanting to go upstairs and wake him if he was asleep. The occasional tear trickled down her face onto the cushions, but she didn't allow her thoughts to become uncontrollable, which would have resulted her sobbing loudly and quite possibly a drunk Sirius trying to comfort her. That was the last thing she wanted.

Eventually, Lily fell into a restless sleep. Sometime during the night, she awoke, feeling someone's fingers run through her hair. She opened her eyes, however, to an empty room, apart from Sirius snoring loudly in the chair. Lily lay, confused for a moment, before deciding that she must have imagined James' presence and she fell back to sleep.


	12. Chapter Twelve

Lily continued brewing the Wolfsbane potion for the rest of the week. It was left to stew for two days before Remus had to start taking it, two days before Christmas Day. He confirmed their suspicions about it tasting horrible correct by grimacing as soon as he raised the goblet to his lips, while Lily and Sirius watched nervously.

"The after taste is vile," he said, the grimace still on his face.

"Something that tastes that bad has got to be good for you, though. Right?" Sirius asked. Remus shrugged.

Lily awoke just as the sun was coming up properly on Christmas Day. Instead of getting up, she chose to lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling (Remus had forcibly refused her offer of keeping the bedroom – at least until after the full moon – so they had reverted back to their previous sleeping arrangements.) Despite the overall merriment of this holiday, Lily had not been looking forward to it much. The presents, the food, the carols, and the bad jokes that came out of crackers… it all seemed like a poor attempt to cheer everyone up during the war. Especially when considering the fact that a number – a larger number than anyone would wish for – of people would be trying to get through their first Christmas without a loved one.

This year, Lily, and Sirius and Remus, would be a part of that number.

That thought hung over Lily as she dressed and, as much as she was dreading the opening of presents and having to feign being jolly, it was the thought of the afternoon that she was not looking forward to more. They had arranged to pay a visit to Godric's Hollow after lunch and it wasn't the idea of venturing outside again that caused her hands to shake. For one thing, Dumbledore had agreed to come with them this time just in case they were caught unaware. For another, the trip to Lily's old village wasn't just for them to have a walk round; they would be visiting James' grave. It would be the first time Lily had done so and she didn't know what to think of it, except that whenever she did think about it she became extremely anxious.

Lily woke Harry up and made her way quietly downstairs with him. There was no need for the caution, however. When she entered the living room, there was a bright flash and Lily had to blink several times to see past the glare. Sirius was already up and dressed, and sat cross-legged by the tree with a camera, looking considerably more like a five year old than a man in his twenties.

"Merry Christmas," he whispered, gesturing to Remus who was still asleep on the sofa.

"Merry Christmas to you, too. Here take Harry." Lily placed him in Sirius' lap. "Don't let him open any presents without me."

Lily went into the kitchen to fill a goblet with Wolfsbane potion for Remus; it wouldn't be the best wake up he'd ever had, but she could count on it not being the worst.

When she went back into the living room, Sirius was having trouble keeping Harry away from the camera and, somehow, Remus was still asleep, despite the noise Harry was making as he reached for the 'toy'. Lily knelt down beside Remus and shook his shoulder gently.

"Merry Christmas, Remus. You've got to get up and see Harry open his presents. Plus, I've made this really delicious potion that you need to take."

Sirius snorted from the other side of the room. Remus groaned, but didn't open his eyes.

"Oh, all right, it's not exactly the best tasting thing in the world. It's still your Christmas present from me and because it's Christmas Day I think you should get up early to drink it, and then we can all open the rest of our presents."

He opened one bleary eye, wrinkled his nose in disgust, and then moaned in pain.

"Remus? What's the matter?" Lily's joking tone quickly turned to one of worry.

"Nothing," he muttered and tried to roll over. His face contorted and Lily watched as he held his breath until the pain subsided.

"Remus, you're in pain!" Lily looked down at the potion she had in her hand and gasped. "You don't think I made the potion wrong?"

"I seriously doubt that, Lily. You checked the instructions a million times while you were doing it." Sirius had come over to see what the matter was. "You look terrible, Moony."

"Always the charmer, Padfoot," Remus murmured.

"You should spend the day in bed, Remus. And I mean a proper bed, where you can actually get some rest, not just the sofa," Lily said.

"I'm fine, Lily, really. It's Christmas, I don't want to ruin everyone's day. How would I get upstairs, anyway?"

"If you don't know that then you really are ill and should go to bed," Sirius said, pulling out his wand with his spare hand, as he was still holding Harry. He pointed it at Remus and said " _Mobilicorpus_ ".

Sirius levitated Remus upstairs and got him settled in the bed. Lily followed them up with the potion so that Remus could drink it. He screwed his face up as he drank but made no other complaints. Lily and Sirius didn't stay upstairs for very long, just long enough to make sure that Remus was going to be fine.

When they got back downstairs, the slight Christmassy mood that Lily had had, was gone. She thought that Sirius felt the same, for he ignored the camera that had been discarded on the floor and the pile of presents under the tree. Instead, he sat down in one of the armchairs, absentmindedly bouncing Harry on his knee. Lily settled herself down on the sofa.

"Remus isn't usually this bad, is he?" she asked after a moment of silence.

"No," Sirius answered, slowly. "It depends, a lot of the time. Sometimes he had to skip a day of school and catch up, but that was always the day after and before we started transforming with him. I've not seen him this bad in years." He noticed Lily looking guilty and worried, and added, "I'm sure it's nothing to do with the potion. If you'd done it wrong, he would have dropped dead or it could have forced him to transform before now."

Lily shuddered at this thought, but decided that Sirius' logic made some sort of sense and didn't question it. Reassured, she grabbed the camera from the floor and took a picture of Sirius and Harry, much Sirius' surprise. This somewhat light-hearted act was all it took to lift the mood and it wasn't long before the three of them were sat on the floor, taking it in turns to open their presents and take photographs.

"Here," Lily said, reaching under the tree and passing a present to Sirius, "this one's from me and Remus." She watched anxiously as he unwrapped it.

"NO WAY!" Sirius shouted, the broomstick falling out of the remainder of the wrappings. "The new Nimbus? There's no way you actually got me this! You know I was joking when I said that I wouldn't talk to you again if you didn't get it me, right?"

Lily laughed. "We know, Sirius. We were both stuck on what to get you, so I thought we should get you something together, and you'd been saying that you wanted the new broom. Remus thought you'd be expecting it but it was the only thing we could think of."

"Wow," he said, admiring the broom; Lily was sure he hadn't heard a word of what she had just said. Sirius picked up a rectangular shaped present and threw it to her. "Now I feel bad about what I got you. In my defence, I'm not particularly good at shopping for girls and I know you like books."

Lily carefully tore the wrapping paper. The cover showed a woman with long hair that was moving gently in the wind, standing on the edge of a cliff and staring out to sea. The title beneath was written in gold cursive, ' _Vulpecula's Vengeance_ '. She flipped it over to read the blurb on the back, which told her that it was about a witch's first love coming back into her life after he had broke her heart many years before and her many attempts for revenge. Somehow, Lily got the impression that they would end up married by the end of the book.

"Thanks," she said. "It sounds… interesting."

Lily looked up and Sirius was shaking his head glumly.

"You don't like it, do you? I was really stuck and all the others looked like they were cheesy romances, so I figured you wouldn't want one of them. It seemed like the best one."

"It's great, Sirius, honestly." Lily got up and went over to hug him. "If it doesn't turn out to be the best book in the world it might be good for a laugh."

"Here," he said, reaching behind him to get another present. "Harry's is better, I promise."

Lily let go of Sirius and picked up the present to give it to Harry. "Did you hear that, Harry? Uncle Sirius has got you a – don't eat the paper!"

She rushed over to where Harry was sat on the floor, happily eating the wrapping paper. Lily pulled it out of his mouth and placed Sirius' present in front of him.

"Don't you want to see what Uncle Sirius has got you? Come on, I'll help you open it."

Lily sat down beside Harry and ripped off the wrapping paper. It was a small wooden box with a hole in the top and a toy wand lay beside it. Lily stared at it, confused; Harry picked up the wrapping paper again and started chewing it.

"No, it's brilliant – look." Sirius reached over to grab the toy wand. "I made it ages ago because I didn't know if I'd have any time nearer Christmas. If you tap the box near one of the holes…" He did so, and a great black dog's head appeared out of the hole, accompanied by a loud bark. This grabbed Harry's attention and the paper fell out of his mouth. Lily snatched it up and put it out of his reach.

They both watched as Sirius tapped the box a few times with the fake wand, each time the dog appeared, barking.

"Hang on, it must be stuck. It's supposed to come up with me, Remus or James – there was a rat but I got rid of it."

Sirius pulled out his real wand and started muttering spells at the box. When he had finished, he picked up the toy wand again and, this time, a stag's head popped out of one of the holes, emitting a long loud grunt.

Harry laughed and clapped his hands. Sirius handed him the wand and soon the room was filled with the sound of barking, grunting and howling, along with Harry's violent whacking of the wand onto the box.

The rest of the presents lay forgotten, both wrapped and unwrapped, as Lily and Sirius watched Harry. After a while, Lily decided that it was time to finish opening the rest of the presents and Sirius went to make breakfast. None of the other toys kept Harry's attention like Sirius' had and Lily ended up trying to feed him while he carried on hitting the box.

They heard the front door open. For the first time in days, Lily didn't reach for her wand at the noise, but only looked towards the hall to see Dumbledore enter, carrying a present. His face was bemused and Lily guessed that the noises coming from the toy must be confusing to hear from the hallway.

"Merry Christmas. I brought some helpers to make Christmas dinner," Dumbledore said, stepping aside to reveal two humanoid figures that were about waist height and wearing a tea towel stamped with the Hogwarts crest like a toga. They bowed and then scurried quickly into the kitchen.

"What were they?" Lily asked.

"You've never seen a house elf before?" Sirius sounded shocked.

"You know perfectly well I was raised by Muggles, and James' mum and dad never had one."

"Oh yeah, I forgot that you were a good prefect and wouldn't get food from the kitchens for us when you were on duty and we were hungry, like James and Re-" Sirius noticed Dumbledore looking at him and changed what he was going to say. "Not that we did that, or anything. I think a few Slytherin prefects, actually..."

"You might be surprised at how many times you tried to use the Slytherins as scapegoats for your own antics at school, Sirius," said Dumbeldore, but Lily could see that his eyes were twinkling behind the half moon glasses.

"Yeah, well ... Whose is the present?" asked Sirius, obviously trying to change the subject.

"I believe technically its Harry's, but as he seems preoccupied at the moment I shall give it to you to look after." Dumbledore handed Lily the package, then he turned to Sirius. "May I have a word? I have err… news."

Sirius didn't answer straight away – he watched as Lily opened the present and the silver material flowed out of the wrappings.

"The Cloak! I wondered where that had got to."

"Yes, James showed it to me a week or so before Halloween and I forgot to give it back. A word, Sirius?"

"Sure, of course."

Sirius got up and Dumbledore followed him into the dining room. It wasn't long before they returned and, whatever news Dumbledore had had, Sirius didn't seem to be fazed by it. Lily glanced up from examining the Cloak with a questioning look but he just shrugged. It was unlike Sirius for him not to share anything with them, Lily decided that she would actually have to speak to get him to answer.

"Is everything OK?"

Sirius shrugged again, however, he answered as well. "My mum died."

"Oh," Lily said. She knew that he wouldn't appreciate any sympathy, having hated his family since he understood their ideologies. For most people, to say that would be an exaggeration, but in Sirius' case it was probably an understatement. Lily didn't know what to say, so she continued examining the Cloak.

"Where is Remus?" Dumbledore asked.

"He wasn't feeling well, so he's upstairs," answered Sirius.

"Ah, I take it we are approaching the full moon, then? I must admit that I don't follow the phases of the moon as closely as I should, for his benefit. Such a shame for him to miss Christmas, though."

"I think he's used to it by now."

"Still… a good man like Remus doesn't deserve to have such a curse hanging over his head all the time."

The conversation moved on to more general topics as the house elves in the kitchen cooked away. Dumbledore complained for a good five minutes about receiving books for Christmas when he'd much prefer a pair of thick, woollen socks. Sirius laughed at this and promised that next Christmas he would give the headmaster some socks. There was a lull in the conversation, which was broken by a particularly loud grunt coming from Harry's toy.

"Did you make that, Sirius?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yeah, it was a bit tricky, but I got it to work eventually."

"Do you think I could take a look at it?"

"I don't know about that… Harry might get angry." Sirius grinned, leaning over to grab it off Harry. "Can I have that back now, Harry?"

Harry looked up at his Godfather and said loudly "Mine."

"I know it is, but could I borrow it?"

This time, Harry ignored Sirius. He hit the wand on the box and the stag head appeared again with another loud grunt.

"Now, Harry, don't make me get my wand out on you," Sirius said, his hand drifting towards his pocket.

"Sirius, don't!" Lily shouted. "Jeez, just distract him with something else."

She picked up the Cloak and dangled it in front of Harry, who took the bait and dropped the fake wand so that he could grab the shiny material. Sirius quickly snatched the wand and box, throwing it to Dumbledore who caught it deftly.

Dumbledore examined the wooden box, occasionally tapping it with the wand to make one of the animals appear. Lily continued to distract Harry: she would cover herself with the Cloak and, when Harry wondered where she had disappeared to, take it off again, to which Harry would laugh.

The smell of cooking turkey drifted in from the kitchen, making Lily hungry. She checked the clock to see that it was only twelve o'clock; it would be at least another hour before they could eat. Sirius' stomach growled loudly. Dumbledore had placed the toy back on the floor, after describing it as "ingenious" (Lily thought that they might have to widen the doors for Sirius' head to fit through, but didn't say anything), so that Harry could play with it again, but Harry's fascination with it had passed and it was left ignored by the sofa.

Footsteps on the stairs announced Remus' presence before he entered. He looked less pale than he had been earlier and he even smiled slightly as they all looked up at him walking into the room, carrying a handful of presents.

"Merry Christmas, Remus," Dumbledore said. "It's good to see you up."

"Merry Christmas." He gave the presents to Lily before sitting down on the sofa next to Dumbledore.

Lily didn't even look at the presents. "What are you doing up?"

"I woke up and felt better. That, and I was hungry and could smell the turkey so I was hoping it would be ready."

Sirius laughed; Lily rolled her eyes and muttered "men." Remus heard and smiled.

"Just open the presents, Lily."

Lily did so, opening the lumpy one first. The wrappings came off easily and Lily pulled out a hat, scarf and glove set for Harry. She picked up the hat first to see it properly. It was crimson, and around the bottom was a number of white deer prancing and fighting each other with their antlers.

"Thanks, for some reason people forget that kids need clothes after they're born. Especially during winter in England," Lily said, but she couldn't help noticing the theme that had arisen with Harry's Christmas presents. She picked up the other present and felt it first.

"Another book?" Lily asked, half glancing towards Sirius with raised eyebrows. He shrugged and shook his head. Lily tore the wrapping paper to reveal a plain black cover. She flipped it over, seeing if that was the back but both sides were identical, except for a small "J&L" in the bottom right side corner. Lily's heart jumped to her throat and she opened it.

The photograph on the first page was of her, what felt like a million years ago, covering her face with one hand and trying to shove the camera away with the other. Lily numbly flicked through the rest of the photo album, tears springing into her eyes as she looked back on her wedding day. She could feel the stares of the others on her face as they watched her reaction. Lily reached the end and looked up at Remus.

"I thought I'd lost all of these," she whispered.

"A few were found in the house, but I had to owl a lot of people to ask for some of their photos."

"Thank you." Remus looked uncomfortable but he smiled slightly at Lily's thanks.

Sirius dragged Remus next to them on the floor after that so he could open his own presents. Halfway through this, Dumbledore found the camera that had been forgotten about under all the rubbish and volunteered to take pictures of the four of them on the floor. Lily laughed as Sirius and Remus joked around, and Harry tried to join in with them. She was surprised that, so far, she hadn't had to pretend to be enjoying herself, but thought that that would change later on, after the trip to Godric's Hollow.

Still, Lily thought as she smiled for another picture with Harry, Remus and Sirius, there was no point in worrying about what may or may not happen in the near future, not when she was enjoying herself in the present.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Lily stood by the window, staring out at the snow that was falling lazily from the sky. As she watched, a small group of children played in the street, throwing snowballs at each other while a snowman stood abandoned nearby. It looked more like a snow-blob with a carrot stuck in it to Lily, but she guessed at what it was supposed to be and supposed that the poor quality was why the children had given up on it. Parents were stood in the doorway of their homes, laughing as they watched their children play. Husbands had their arms around their wives, one or two of which were holding a smaller, blanket-wrapped bundle. Lily sighed and turned away from the scene.

The two house elves that had prepared lunch had been sent back to Hogwarts soon after they had eaten. Lily thought this was a shame because they probably could have done with some extra help at the moment, as Harry was simply refusing to cooperate.

Aside from the fact that he had preferred spreading his Christmas lunch around the plate and making a mess of the table as well as his face, Harry was now refusing to part with his new toys to put on some warmer clothing to go outside in. Sirius and Remus were sat on the floor trying to tempt him away from the toys, which was proving difficult, as they couldn't just take them away without Harry doing an excellent impression of a banshee.

Lily's lips twitched into an almost smile at the sight of the two grown men who looked well and truly stumped at how to persuade the toddler to give up his toys without using force. They all watched Harry for a minute. Sirius must have decided he wanted to hear his Godson scream again, because he slowly reached out to take the stuffed animal that Harry was playing with off him. No sooner had Sirius grabbed the toy hippogriff than Harry was crying, again. Sirius threw up his arms in frustration.

"Your turn," he said to Remus.

"You two would make terrible parents. I'd have thought you'd at least get better being around him all the time." Lily stepped forward and they watched as she knelt down to pick up Harry. He started to cry but soon stopped after Lily had picked up the toy in her other hand and handed it to him. He happily played with the hippogriff in mid air, making it fly, while Lily dressed him in the new hat, scarf, and gloves that Remus had bought.

"You're a genius, Lily," said Sirius as he and Remus watched, mesmerized, while she fastened Harry's cloak one handed. Lily rolled her eyes.

"No, I'm serious. I know Dumbledore's a genius and all that, but I've never seen him do anything like that. He'd be as stuck as we were if he had to baby-sit."

"Right. Are you two ready to go?"

They weren't. Lily shook her head as Sirius and Remus struggled to get to their feet.

Ten minutes later, Lily - still carrying Harry - Sirius and Remus were finally stood by the door, ready to go. It had been a hectic ten minutes, during which the two men had rushed around the house layering on jumpers and trying to find trainers. At one point, they nearly collided on the stairs when Sirius had started walking up backwards, talking to Lily, and Remus had been coming down with a jumper half on, covering his face. Lily had managed to cast a Shield Charm between them just in time to prevent any serious injury.

Dumbledore had already gone ahead to Godric's Hollow to scout the village for Death Eaters, something that they had neglected to do when they had visited Little Whinging and, this time, they wanted to be sure nothing would happen. Lily was to Apparate to the village first, with Harry, in order to draw out any Death Eaters that Dumbledore might have missed. Remus and Sirius were to follow a few minutes later so that Lily wouldn't be unprotected for long.

"I still don't like this plan," said Lily, opening the front door and letting in a cold breeze.

"Dumbledore seemed to think it was the best," Remus said, grimly.

"That doesn't mean we have to like it," grumbled Sirius. "Come on, then. We'll be right behind you."

Lily stepped out onto the doorstep, where she was still under the protection of the Fidelius Charm that had been put upon the house, but outside the spell that prevented Disapparition. She turned on the spot and entered the compressing darkness that accompanies Disapparition.

The wind raced down the quiet side street that they Apparated into. It was snowing here too; small specks of snow drifted downwards, settling in their hair and on their clothes. Lily drew her cloak further around herself and Harry and glanced around the street to make sure that it was empty.

The old village looked as picturesque as it always had, with the snow covered cottages and Victorian streetlights. But in Lily's eyes it had become darker – like the soul that made the village bright and happy had been sucked out. The snow seemed dirtier, the decorations adorning the houses looked duller and the singing coming from the Church sounded sombre. Lily knew that she must be imagining these changes, but wondered anyway if the others would see them too.

She heard the two faint 'pop's that announced Sirius and Remus' arrival at the same time as Dumbledore turned a corner into the street ahead of them. He gave a slight nod as the all clear and the three of them set off down the street.

The snow stopped as they joined Dumbledore, and, together, they walked into the centre of the village in silence. The small square hadn't changed, either. Lily could hear talking and laughing coming from the pub, though none of the joy reached the small group as they made their way to the graveyard in the snow. The light heartedness they had felt in the morning had slowly faded throughout lunch and the afternoon. By the time they reached the large stone war memorial in the centre of the square it had gone all together.

Lily could feel Harry shivering against her. She adjusted her grip on him so she could pull his woolly hat further down over his ears and make sure the scarf was wrapped tightly around him. Sirius noticed Lily struggling with Harry.

"I'll carry him if you want."

"I'm fine – he's just a bit cold, I think." At this, Remus frowned.

"The hat and stuff is supposed to be charmed to warm up when it's colder."

Lily felt the scarf with her free hand. It did seem to be slightly warm, as if it had been lying in the sun all day.

"I think it's working, it must just take some time."

Remus nodded absentmindedly and his eyes fell on the graveyard on the other side of the hedge. Everyone's eyes seemed to follow his gaze and they stood without speaking, staring at rows upon rows of graves beside the little Church. Lily could feel her heart beating in her chest and she wondered if she was going to be sick. She took deep breaths, drinking in the cold air. Just as Lily thought she couldn't go through with this, Dumbledore took the lead and began walking towards the kissing gate that stood at the entrance of the graveyard.

They followed Dumbledore along the winding pathway through the graves. Lily lagged behind the others with her heart in her throat. It was thumping louder now and she was sure that Sirius, who was closest to her, would be able to hear it. If he did, he didn't say anything as they walked silently to the far side of the graveyard.

Dumbledore stopped walking beside an old yew tree. Stood in the shadow of it, was a white marble headstone that was covered in snow. Lily pushed her way past Remus and Sirius and stared down at it.

She felt someone's hand on her shoulder and she turned to look. Dumbledore had squeezed her shoulder, then walked away to give them privacy. Lily watched him as he meandered through the gravestones and eventually stopped not far away. She pushed Harry into Sirius or Remus' arms - not turning properly to see who – and knelt beside James' headstone.

Lily wiped off the snow that had stuck to it with her sleeve so that she could read what was engraved on the marble.

_James Potter, born 27th March 1960, died 31st October 1981_

_The last enemy that shall be destroyed is Death_

Lily guessed that Dumbledore had chosen the epitaph, as neither Sirius nor Remus were religious and she certainly hadn't. Tears crept into her eyes as she carried on staring at the grave and, before she knew it, she was sobbing quietly at the graveside.

The thoughts that Lily had managed to keep under control for the past few weeks were unleashed and they weren't to be stopped. Thoughts of how James would never see his son grow up, how she saw his face every time Harry looked at her and, most of all, how she had been left with a gaping hole in her heart that felt as if it would never heal.

Lily let the tears flow, not bothering to wipe them away, and feeling them fall into her lap. What was the use in hiding her grief? So the tears continued to fall, as Lily knelt by her dead husband's gravestone, and no one stepped forward to comfort her. She was thankful for this, because Lily didn't want to be comforted, she didn't want people telling her that everything would be alright, that James had died a hero's death, and he'd be happy that she and Harry were alive and well. For there was no point in being a hero if it killed you, no one knew what James would be thinking, and saying that everything would be ok was just making empty promises.

At one point, Sirius had knelt down and propped up a set of Muggle children's reindeer antlers against the grave and Lily managed to choke out a small chuckle. She didn't know how long she had been crying for, but, by the time she stood up, it had started snowing again. Remus was holding Harry; both he and Sirius had tear tracks running down their cheeks.

They walked back through the graveyard and down an empty side street soon after that, not talking to each other. As they did so, Lily felt as if a great weight had lifted slightly from her chest. She realised then, that forcing the grief to the back of her mind had not really been helping her – it had merely been postponing the moment when she would have to deal with it. Finally seeing the grave had made her confront her grief head on, but had also finally made Lily realise that life carried on, whether or not the people they loved were still in it.

Sure, Lily thought, that idea didn't make anything easier now, but it was one tiny step towards being able to carry on with her own life and being happy for the time she had been allowed to spend with James.

Taking a deep breath, Lily turned on the spot and Disapparated to where she knew the rest of the Order would be waiting to spend Christmas night together.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

"Lily – stop it! You're making me seasick."

Lily stopped. She had been pacing around the kitchen ever since eight o'clock, unable to keep still. She hadn't had the concentration to make breakfast, resulting in her and Sirius going without, and had only put together a bowl of cereal for Harry so that he wouldn't cry. Sirius was sat at the table feeding him.

"You said he'd be back by now," said Lily, checking her watch for the tenth time in two minutes.

"I said he's  _normally_  back by now. I don't know why you're so worried."

"Something could have gone wrong! Or something might have happened to him! What if the potion was wrong and it's injured him in some way? Or Death Eaters found him and they've taken him? I don't see how you're not worried too."

"Because he's a big boy who knows how to deal with it. You know as well as I do that nothing's wrong with that potion – we've already had this conversation a million times. And you're seriously worried that he's been attacked? If the potion didn't work, he's a bloodthirsty werewolf who won't want to be captured. If it did work, he's still the size and has the power of a bloodthirsty werewolf, and he doesn't want to be captured. No one's going to attack him and get away with him."

Sirius shrugged as if he'd won the argument.

It was the morning after the full moon and the sun had risen hours ago. So far there had been no sign of Remus. Lily continued pacing for a minute or so until Sirius interrupted her again.

"Seriously, Lily. Your worry is infectious, stop."

"Good, I don't think you're taking this seriously." Lily thought she saw Sirius about to make his usual joke about always being "Sirius". Thankfully, he chose to not make the remark this time.

"I don't see the point in worrying. It's stupid."

"If I were you, I'd worry about keeping all your limbs, Sirius." Lily asked, brandishing her wand threateningly. "You're starting to annoy me."

"Now, in that case it's not necessarily my limbs I'm worried about," Sirius smirked and winked. Lily rolled her eyes.

"You're such a man."

"I don't know whether to be worried that you didn't know that before, or glad that you've finally worked it out."

Lily made sure that Harry's attention was elsewhere before making a rude hand gesture at Sirius.

"Ooh, don't make Lily angry."

"I don't know whether to be worried that you didn't know that before, or glad that you've finally worked it out," Lily quoted back at him. "The threat still stands."

"You wouldn't dare." Sirius turned his back on her to feed Harry.

"Watch me," she snarled and purposefully aimed a jinx to just miss Sirius' head. He jumped in shock and, eyes wide, pulled out his own wand.

"You asked for it," he said, sending a jet of light back at Lily.

The pretend duel grew increasingly competitive until Lily and Sirius both were concentrating with all their might on hitting the other with a spell. Harry laughed, amused by the bright lights, whilst spells shattered jars that stood on the counter top.

Lily thought that Sirius, who had begun the duel with a grin, had arrogantly expected to win. This was not the case, however, and the grin had quickly faded from his face. Lily ducked and weaved her way around the kitchen to avoid the jets of light sent her way, sending just as many back at him.

Unfortunately, Lily had dodged her way into a corner and had to throw herself onto the floor in order to avoid the flash of crimson light that Sirius aimed at her. In the time it took her to get back up, Sirius had run to the door and was already making his way through the dining room and into the lounge.

"Come back, Sirius Black, you coward!" shouted Lily, running after him.

He laughed and sent a spell behind him. Lily blocked it easily with a Shield Charm. She had reached the hallway now and Sirius was already halfway up the stairs. She followed him up and aimed a Tripping Jinx that found its mark just as Sirius reached the top, sending him face first into the landing.

" _Petrificus totalus_ ," said Lily, pointing her wand at Sirius and making her way casually up the stairs. When she reached the top, Lily rolled him over with her foot so that he was staring at the ceiling.

"What were you saying about not worrying about your limbs?" Lily grinned evilly and mimed cutting off his arms and legs with her wand.

A noise from downstairs made her look up and search for its source. Lily aimed her wand at the bottom of the stairs where she could see the back of someone's head as they shut the front door behind them. It was only when the man turned around and glanced up the stairs, his tired expression quickly turning to one of confusion, that Lily recognised him.

"Remus!" she shrieked, sprinting down the stairs and hugging him with so much force that he had to take a step back.

Remus appeared overwhelmed by Lily's enthusiastic greeting, and he tentatively put his arms around her. Lily released him and started speaking so quickly that she had barely finished the previous word before she was forcing the next one out.

"Are you okay? We've been worried sick! Sirius said that you were normally back earlier than this and I thought something had happened to you. Did the potion work? I – "

"Lily, calm down." The corners of Remus' mouth twitched.

"I'm sorry, I just – " Even though he was clearly tired and probably in pain, Remus raised his eyebrows at her with a smile and Lily stopped talking immediately.

"Nothing happened. I'm fine. Yes, it worked, I –" He frowned. "Where's Sirius?"

Lily clapped a hand to her mouth – she had momentarily forgotten about Sirius, lay at the top of the stairs and unable to move. She pointed her wand up the staircase and muttered the counter curse. They heard Sirius groan as he got to his feet and made his way downstairs.

"Don't mess with Lily," he said to Remus and, without another word, he limped into the living room, rubbing his stomach.

Lily and Remus followed him into the kitchen where the mess she and Sirius had made during their duel was still visible and Harry was sat in his high chair, happily throwing the rest of his breakfast across the table.

Remus stopped in the doorway.

"What happened here?"

"Never mind," said Sirius, taking his seat beside Harry.

"What Sirius means is that I beat him in a duel," said Lily, who waved her wand so that the broken jars fixed themselves and the food lying on the floor (and most of the other surfaces in the kitchen) disappeared. Lily and Remus joined Sirius at the table.

"Well?" said Sirius. He turned so that he was facing Remus. "Did it work?"

"I – yes, it did." Remus looked Lily in the eyes. "Thank you."

There was something in the genuine sincerity of his voice that made Lily's face feel hot and she was sure she was blushing.

"No problem," she said, then stood up, suddenly embarrassed and wanting to be doing something. "What does everyone want for breakfast?"

Lily started looking in the cupboards, which she found were nearly empty.

"Dunno, what have we got?"

"Err, not a lot," Lily said as she pushed aside the few packs of food in the cupboard to see if there was anything else hidden at the back. "We have eggs and flour in here… hmm, I think we have some milk somewhere – we could make pancakes."

"Hmm?"

Lily looked over her shoulder. Remus, who had had his arms crossed on the table in front of him with his head resting on them and looked as if he was barely holding onto consciousness, was now sat up properly, obviously having perked up at the mention of pancakes.

"Oh no, he'll be wanting them all day now," Sirius groaned, but Lily could tell that he joking.

"I don't think I've ever only eaten pancakes all day." Remus put his head back on his arms.

"No, I think we tried to once because you'd always be in a good mood no matter what day it was if you had them for breakfast at school. I can't remember you complaining about it."

It didn't take long for the room to start smelling of pancakes. Remus wanted to help but Lily thought he looked so tired it might have been more dangerous than if he didn't. She managed not to burn them too badly and, soon, they had all been eaten.

Sirius pushed his chair away from the table once he had finished, as if he was expecting his stomach to grow suddenly with the amount he had eaten.

"What time is it?" he asked.

"Quarter past ten," said Lily. "Don't you have to be at the Ministry at half past?"

"Yeah, I didn't realise it was that late. I don't know why I'm bothering going, though. It's not as if I want anything the old bat left me." Sirius stood up and started looking around for his cloak. Dumbledore had heard the day after Boxing Day that Sirius had been asked to be present at the reading of his mother's will. Everyone had been surprised at this, as they had all been under the impression that the majority of his family had disowned him and removed him from their wills. No one had any ideas as to what Sirius could have been left; he had suggested that maybe there was an old something in the attic that was charmed to try to kill whoever picked it up.

There had been so many arguments over Sirius going on his own that Lily had lost count. With the rest of his family being known Death Eaters (to the Order, at least) and likely to be there, Sirius was taking a risk going. But, in the end, it had been decided that they were unlikely to attack him in the middle of the Department for Magical Law Enforcement.

Sirius found his cloak and said goodbye to Lily and Remus, kissing Harry on the forehead before he left.

They heard the front door shut and went to sit in the living room. Harry's attention was immediately absorbed by the pile of toys that stayed there almost constantly. There was no point in tidying them up a lot of the time, as they would just have to be found again for him to play with. Remus collapsed into an armchair and now sat with his eyes closed. Lily, sat on the floor and playing with Harry, was sure he wasn't actually asleep. She could see him smile slightly out of the corner of her eye whenever she had to tell Harry off for attacking the Christmas tree that they hadn't taken down yet.

"I thought you said the potion worked?"

Remus opened his eyes. "It did – I've not come back with bite marks and cuts as long as my arm."

"You normally come back like that?" Lily's eyes widened. Remus had never gone into the details of his transformations with anyone – the others had only known because they had been there while it happened.

"Not always. That's kind of the worst that can happen. Most of the time it's a few scratches."

Lily thought about this for a moment. She supposed it made sense: it wasn't exactly in a werewolf's nature to curl up and go to sleep so being isolated from anything else would result in one attacking itself.

"What did it actually do then? The potion?"

Remus didn't answer straight away – he looked as if he was trying to think of the right way to phrase his explanation.

"Normally at the full moon, it's not me. It takes over and I can't remember anything. It's pure animal. But last night… I kept my mind. I was still me, just in a different body, I suppose that's what it's like when someone's an animagus. So I curled up and went to sleep. That's why I was late back this morning –sorry. I woke when I was transforming back but drifted back to sleep."

"And now you're still tired?" Lily teased, making Remus laugh. "So it definitely helped?"

"Yes, it definitely helped. I don't think it's going to take that long to get used to."

Lily went back to playing with Harry, letting Remus rest. He didn't have long to rest, however. Harry soon got bored of his 'quiet' toys and found in the pile the small box and wand that Sirius had given him. The room was full of the howling, barking and grunting, and, no matter how hard Lily tried to distract Harry with other toys, he refused to give up the wand that controlled it.

Then, she heard a voice from behind her.

"Having trouble?"

Lily turned around guilty. Remus had his eyes open again and was fighting a smile.

"I'm sorry, I tried to get him to stop but he's a stubborn little –"

"Lily, I'd have gone upstairs if I wanted quiet, wouldn't I?"

"You were sleeping. I didn't want to wake you."

"I was failing at trying not to fall asleep, actually. Sleeping during the day messes with my body clock."

"If you didn't want to go to sleep you should have come down here and played with me and Harry," Lily laughed. "He doesn't give you much time for rest."

He considered this point for a moment. Then, stretching, Remus climbed out of the chair and sat down on the floor next to Lily.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

They played with Harry for the rest of the morning. Around midday, Lily began to worry about how long Sirius had been out, but she didn't have long to worry. They heard the front door open and seconds later Sirius had sat down with them on the floor. He didn't say anything, however. Lily and Remus looked at each other, and then at Sirius, curiously.

"How did it go?" asked Remus.

"Well… I'm still alive. Bellatrix was all for killing me there and then, but that would probably have got her arrested. Narcissa didn't look too pleased either."

"They were there and  _you_  didn't get arrested?"

"Oh, very funny. I was outnumbered four to one, there was no way I was going to be the first to try something."

"Who else was there?" Lily said.

"They took their idiot husbands, so Lucius Malfoy and Rodolphus Lestrange."

Sirius didn't say anything else. Lily sighed.

"Are we going to have to force what happened out of you, or are you actually going to tell us?"

"Why do you want to know what happened so badly?"

"I'm being nosy; your mum hated you, I want to know why she kept you in her will. And being stuck in this house makes me want to know every little bit of news I can get hold of."

Sirius laughed and his apathetic mood left as quickly as if it had been Banished.

"Right. Not much happened, actually. I was the last one there and apparently the other four didn't know I was going to be there so that was quite fun, watching Bellatrix splutter around for a minute. Once she'd finished, the Ministry guy got on with reading the will."

"What did you get?"

"Give me a chance, Lily. I got the house."

"What?" Remus said, taken by surprise. "Your old house, you mean? But your mum hated you, why did she leave you the house?"

"No idea." Sirius shrugged. "I'm the last Black left now, by name anyway. I suppose tradition is more important than me running away. I was thinking that if the place isn't rigged with booby traps and we put some more security charms on it we could move out of here. I'm not a big fan of sleeping on chairs and sofas for the rest of my life and they're plenty of rooms there. What do you think?"

"Are you serious?"

"Sure. Look, there's no way I'm going to let Bellatrix or one of the others get it if it's officially mine and I'm not going to live there alone."

Sirius and Remus looked at Lily.

"Why are you looking at me?"

"It feels like it's your decision. You're the one still in hiding at any rate," said Remus.

Lily thought about it for a minute. She had never properly unpacked and made headquarters her home, not wanting to feel tied to the place. But, no matter how hard she tried to fool herself, it had become a sort of home to her in that it was safe and comforting to be here. Despite that, Lily still thought of it as a temporary arrangement and it would be nice to live somewhere more permanent.

"As long as you don't mind, Sirius, I think it's a good idea to move out of here. We should see what Dumbledore says, though, and make sure all the security spells are done right."

"Great," Sirius grinned. "Oh, there's probably something else you should know..."

Sirius raised his voice and said "Kreacher!"

With a loud  _crack_  a figure appeared in front of Sirius. Lily immediately grabbed Harry and pulled him close to her.

Lily guessed that it was a house elf, but it looked nothing like the two elves that Dumbledore had brought with him on Christmas day. Its skin looked as if it was several times too big for it and it was wearing nothing except for an old rag that was tied like a loin cloth around its middle. It had small watery grey eyes and tufts of white hair were starting to grow out of its ears.

"Kreacher won't serve Master, no Kreacher won't. Kreacher would rather work for Miss Bellatrix, yes, she didn't besmirch the family name and run away, making friends with blood traitors and werewolves and mudbloods-"

"Oh, my," Lily gasped.

"SHUT UP, KREACHER!"

The house elf – Kreacher – threw Sirius a disdainful look and promptly stopped talking, though Lily thought she could see it mouthing the insults instead of speaking them out loud.

"Yeah, well, are you still sure you want to move out of here?"

"You two can't carry on taking turns sleeping on the sofa and I'd quite like to feel as if I have a real home again."

Sirius raised his eyebrows at the last comment but accepted it. He checked his watch as a loud rumbling sound filled the room and he smirked guiltily, ordering Kreacher to make lunch.

"How come it took you nearly two hours at the Ministry?" Lily asked, finally letting go of Harry and he tottered over to Sirius, who picked him up and sat him on his knee.

"Bellatrix and Narcissa threw a paddy when they found out I got the house - apparently I'm not worthy of it. Never mind that I don't actually want it, but I suppose it has come in useful now. They insisted on seeing if it was right and I had to summon the thing that's in the other room."

"They didn't take it well then?" Remus asked, grinning.

"That's one way to put it. They got a bit angrier when they found out that they hadn't inherited anything. All those years of sucking up to her didn't pay off."

"Nothing?" Lily gasped.

"Nope. If you think about it, that's a good thing. The less dark stuff they get their hands on the better."

Kreacher came back into the living room then, carrying a platter piled high with sandwiches over his head. He placed it on the floor in front of Sirius, gave a low bow to him and left again, muttering as he walked back into the dining room.

"Where's he going?" asked Lily.

"Probably to sulk in the kitchen," said Sirius, picking up a sandwich.

The rest of the day was spent keeping Kreacher away from Harry, as the house elf started a habit of giving him side long glances and Lily didn't trust Kreacher, and doing their best at cleaning the house ready for the Order meeting that evening. It was mostly Lily doing the cleaning – Sirius didn't see the point in it and Remus was still tired.

The doorbell rang at half past seven, just as Lily finished putting Harry to bed. She answered the door on her way downstairs.

"Good evening, Lily," Dedalus said, bouncing over the threshold.

"Evening, Dedalus." Lily closed the door behind him. "You're early."

"Yes, Elphias came early to take over guarding your sister. You don't mind, do you?"

"Not at all, how is Petunia?"

"She's fine, I think she was having a bad day – didn't seem to want to talk much."

Lily had to bite her tongue to stop herself telling Dedalus that it was probably because he was there that Petunia was having a bad day. They entered the living room, interrupting Sirius and Remus' conversation.

"I still think the Chudley Cannons made a big mistake letting Brennan Kerr go. He was their best chaser, they've got no – hello Dedalus."

"Good evening all. I hope I find you well?"

Sirius and Remus assured him that they were fine and continued with their Quidditch conversation, which Dedalus joined in with. Lily zoned out. She had very little interest in Quidditch, only enjoying watching it, and she couldn't understand why boys seemed to want to talk about the details of every transfer and gossiping about which players were supposed to be retiring at the end of the season.

By eight o'clock, the room was full of Order members and they all seemed to be following Sirius and Remus' lead and talking about Quidditch, except for Dedalus and Emmeline Vance. When Emmeline had entered, she had sat next to Dedalus on the sofa and then engaged him in a private conversation. Lily watched them suspiciously for a while, until Emmeline looked over and saw her watching. Lily smiled slightly and looked away quickly, striking up a conversation with Alice Longbottom.

They all heard the door open again and Dumbledore entered the room with Minerva McGonagall. The room fell silent and the cheerful atmosphere quickly changed to one more business like as they all remembered why they were here.

"Good evening everybody. Shall we begin?" Dumbledore said. One by one, they all stood up and went into the dining room.

Everyone settled into chairs around the long, rectangular table with Dumbledore at the head. He had never insisted on this but everyone else felt it was right and by now it had become habit. Lily settled into a seat between Remus and Alice.

Dumbledore glanced around the table, taking in everyone's faces over the top of his half-moon glasses.

"Where is Elphias?"

"He's keeping guard at Arabella's tonight. He said that he had nothing important to report but that he'd speak to you in the next few days," said Dedalus.

Dumbledore nodded and then began the meeting properly.

"I think we're all happy to know that there doesn't seem to have been many attacks over Christmas. I believe that the Death Eaters targeted a family near Dunster yesterday, but they managed to get away without sustaining any permanent injuries."

He looked towards Frank and Alice for confirmation.

"Yes, one of the sons received a nasty hex but they took him to 's and he had to stay in overnight," Frank said.

"How come they didn't bother attacking anyone over Christmas?" asked Remus, "I was a bit surprised there was no one at Godric's Hollow, surely they thought we would be there?"

"Maybe they refused to work on Christmas," Sirius said before Dumbledore could answer. "You know, so they could spend some time with their Death Eater families, celebrating the birth of Jesus and all that. Peace, love, joy... isn't that what they stand for?"

They all laughed; even Minerva managed a smile.

"I think they didn't try any attacks because they thought people might be expecting it," said Dumbledore, returning to his serious manner. "The vast majority believes that Voldemort and the Death Eaters want to do them harm and there is a high likelihood that they would increase the number of security spells at Christmas to stop the Death Eaters getting in until they can get away, which is what happened to the family we have just been talking about. Or, in our case, they might have thought that they had frightened Lily enough to stay inside, with the attack on her sister."

"Clearly they think that you only let cowards into the Order, then," said Lily. Dumbledore smiled at her before continuing with the rest of the meeting.

He started going around the table after that, receiving reports off the members who were trailing Death Eaters. Lily shifted guiltily in her chair when he skipped over her, Remus and Sirius, feeling like a burden on them all as they weren't helping fight Voldemort and the Death Eaters. He questioned Frank and Alice next, seeing what new information they had come across in the Auror office. From what they said, Dumbledore seemed to gather that there could be somewhere apart from wherever they were using as base that was central to the Death Eaters' plans.

Finally, Dumbledore turned to Sirius.

"What happened at the Ministry this morning?"

Sirius launched into the story of what had happened, at which point there was a loud clanging sound from the kitchen and Kreacher crept slowly into the room, muttering about not wanting to serve a "nasty brat who broke his mother's heart". Sirius paused in the story to tell Kreacher to go back in the kitchen and leave them alone before resuming.

"... So I thought it could be a good idea if the four of us went to live at Grimmauld Place, instead of taking up space here. We thought we'd run it by you first," finished Sirius.

Dumbledore considered it for a moment.

"I can't see why not, Sirius. I think you would all probably be a lot more comfortable in a house where each of you could have your own bed. I would like to suggest that I have a look at the current security spells and add my own, if you don't mind. I also think you should consider using the Fidelius Charm – I know you have had a bad experience with it, but if a trustworthy Secret Keeper is chosen, then – "

"I'll do it," Sirius said. "It's my house, I'm not likely to tell Voldemort where it is."

"That's settled then. Well, unless anyone has anything they would like to bring up..." No one spoke. "I think we're finished. Goodnight everyone."

They all said goodnight and stood up to leave. Dumbledore stayed behind, talking to Sirius about when he should have a look at the house. It didn't take them long and, soon, the front door had closed for the last time.

"Dumbledore thinks he'll be able to get away from Hogwarts tomorrow afternoon. We can go check out the house then," said Sirius, collapsing onto the sofa next to Lily. Remus had sat down in an armchair and promptly fallen asleep.

"Bellatrix knows where the house is already though, right? How do you know she isn't leading more Death Eaters in there now, so they can ambush us?" Lily asked.

"Because if it's locked, which it is, you can't get in no matter how hard you try without the key." Sirius fished a small golden key out of his pocket and showed it to her.

They sat in silence for a while. It had been a busier day than Lily was used to and her eyelids were drooping. She rested her head on Sirius' shoulder and he put his arm around her.

"Are you okay?"

Lily turned her head so she could just about see Sirius' face.

"I'm fine. Why?" she said.

"Just checking."

Lily sat up properly.

"Seriously, why did you want to know?"

"It's nothing, really." Lily continued to stare at him and he carried on. "It's just that since Christmas you've been… I don't know… better. I wondered if you were trying too hard."

"I can't keep living in the past," sighed Lily. "Life goes on, Sirius."

Lily went to bed not long after that. She knew why Sirius was worried; she hadn't exactly shown everyone that she was coping before now. But since Lily had visited the grave and she'd finally dealt with James' death properly, she had been doing her best to move on.

Life still wasn't right, though. There was still that gaping hole in her heart – it felt slightly smaller now, but definitely there. There were still times when his name would come up in conversation and she would start smiling stupidly, like she always had. Most of all, there were still moments when she looked around, wanting to laugh and joke with James but realising too late that he would never be there again.

When Lily looked in the mirror, she saw only a shadow of the person she used to be. She wondered if she would ever go back to how she used to look, or turn into someone different, or even stay how she was now.

Lily wondered about a lot of things nowadays.

She lay in bed while these thoughts swam around her head. Lily knew there was no point in going downstairs tonight, Remus had been tired all day and probably wouldn't wake until morning.

Eventually, Lily fell asleep. She dreamt that she was stood at the edge of a forest. A stag that was unmistakably James was making its way slowly into the depths of the forest and, no matter how hard she tried, Lily couldn't follow it. She was frozen to the spot, watching the stag, and she didn't scream or shout after it, to make it come back. She stood silently, allowing it to leave her.

When she awoke the next morning, Lily couldn't remember the dream, but silent tears were running down her cheeks.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

Lily sat on the sofa, scowling, while Harry played on the floor. Dumbledore had come, as promised, just after lunch so that Sirius could take him to Grimmauld Place to work on the security spells. Apparently everything involving Lily, Remus or Sirius leaving headquarters required meticulous planning and this had resulted in the four of them discussing the best way to go about the trip. Obviously Sirius and Dumbledore were to go, someone had to stay behind with Harry, and Dumbledore was insisting on someone to accompany them for added protection just in case Bellatrix showed up. This had led to a debate over whether Lily or Remus was to join them. It had transpired, however, that Lily was the only one arguing for her side.

"I'll go with you," she had said. "Remus is still exhausted from the full moon."

"You want to leave Harry?" Sirius had asked.

"Remus will be here if anything happens. It's not as if Death Eaters can get in anyway."

"What if something happens to you three? I won't be able to look after Harry if… you know."

"But you're still not feeling your best. Something's less likely to happen if the three people who go are up to it."

"However," Dumbledore had started slowly, "it's much more dangerous for Harry in general if you are seen to be out and about too much, Lily. Voldemort might believe you are becoming complacent and try another attack."

And that was that: there was no arguing with Dumbledore.

The others were now sorting out minor details and getting ready to go, which Lily stubbornly refused to help with. She wasn't really sulking about not being able to go, more that they had all ganged up on her and refused to let her go. She had been living in headquarters for two months now (although it felt like much longer) and she was beginning to feel like a burden on them all, especially considering that she wasn't even going on missions. That she probably wouldn't be doing missions anyway because of Harry didn't really factor into Lily's thoughts at the moment. Going out today would have at least gotten her out of the house and made her feel as if she was actually helping.

"We'll be back as soon as we can, okay Lily?" Remus' words interrupted Lily's thoughts.

"Okay, have fun. Be careful."

"Don't worry about us, we've got Dumbledore. Look after Harry."

Lily didn't reply. After a moment she heard the front door shut and she was left alone with Harry. None of the other Order members were free this afternoon, which left Lily looking ahead to an empty few hours with nothing to fill them with. That was until Harry dropped the toys he had been playing with and looked up at her.

"Mummy."

"What's the matter, Harry?" Lily asked, climbing off the sofa and settling down next to him.

"Play."

"You want me to play with you? Okay, what do you want to play?"

"Story."

"You want me to read you a book?" Lily was surprised, Harry had never shown any interest in the books she had tried to read to him.

"No, story."

Harry grabbed one of the cuddly toys and gave it to Lily, who now understood what he wanted. She stared at the toy hippogriff for a while trying to think of something. Then, Lily started the story, acting it out with the toys as she went.

"Once there was a hippogriff called Harry…"

It wasn't long before Lily and Harry were surrounded by toys. Lily had made up a complicated story, the main plot involving Harry the hippogriff being an orphan and, once his true identity was revealed as a long lost prince, he had to go on a quest to save the princess who had been kidnapped by an evil sorcerer. To do this, the Harry had to go find an old wizard who lived in the forest and learn magic. When he finally arrived at the castle where the princess was being held, the old wizard turned out to be evil as well and it was really Harry that the evil sorcerer wanted and he had used the princess as bait.

"… And then the old wizard and evil sorcerer surrounded Harry so he couldn't escape. They raised their wands, about to kill Harry, but - " Lily reached behind her for the unicorn doll she had been using for the princess. "- the princess had regained consciousness and she raised her own wand. She bound the two evil men in chains and sent them down to live in the dungeons of the castle where they couldn't escape. Harry and the princess went back to the city where they lived and got married and they all lived happily ever after."

Harry clapped as the story finished.

"Aw, I missed story time with Lily!" A voice said.

Lily looked up. She hadn't heard the front door open and now Sirius and Remus were entering the living room. Sirius grinned as he sat down in a chair.

"Can we have another because we missed the others?"

"Others?" Lily asked. "That was the only one. Where's Dumbledore?"

"He had to get back to Hogwarts, apparently teenagers have a habit of wanting to stay out past curfew on New Year's Eve. You told a story for two hours?"

"It was a very complicated story. It had interconnecting plotlines and everything." She smiled. "How did it go at the house?"

"I don't want it anymore," said Sirius. Remus rolled his eyes.

"Why not?"

"Well, it needs quite a bit of cleaning anyway, but someone put a portrait up of mum in the hallway and it screams whenever you walk past it. We think they used a Permanent Sticking Charm."

"Couldn't you just knock the wall down?"

"Not that one, unless the neighbours want a smashed in wall as well. Anyway, the Black family home is at twelve Grimmauld Place."

"I already know that," frowned Lily.

"I'm the Secret Keeper - now you'll actually be able to get in."

"Right."

A comfortable silence descended upon them. Lily picked up a toy and started playing quietly with Harry. Silences had become fairly common and it didn't bother her anymore; when someone wanted to share their thoughts they would.

As was usual when these silences came upon them, it was Sirius who spoke first after only a few minutes of silence.

"When do you want to move out of here?" he asked.

Lily carried on playing with Harry. "I don't know. Whenever's best." She looked up in time to see Sirius roll his eyes.

"That's not really helpful, Lily."

"Well what's the rush? It's not as if we're actually busy."

"I can't be bothered sitting around here anymore!" Sirius blurted out angrily. Lily was taken aback – as was Remus by the shocked expression on his face.

"Well, when do you want to move?" Lily asked calmly, hoping that it would help Sirius calm down.

"What's wrong with today?"

"Today? It's past three o'clock – we'd have no time to sort anything out."

"We'd have plenty of time. It wouldn't take that long to move our stuff here to the house and then we'd only need to sort out the things we'd need for tonight."

Lily just stared at him, still in shock at his outburst. Remus, however, was frowning.

"Why do you want to get out of here so badly, Sirius? You're not even here most of the time, you're at Figg's, and you always hated your old home."

Sirius didn't answer right away. Instead, he stared down at his hands while Lily and Remus looked on curiously.

"I don't like it here. It feels like we're stuck in our own time loop and not moving out of it." He glanced up at Lily as he said this.

Through the awkward metaphor, Lily understood what he was saying and was surprised that he felt that way. Now she thought about it, it was very self involved of Lily to think that Sirius had managed to move on. They had been best friends, and Lily had had no right to assume that he had been feeling any different than she had, just because he didn't make his emotions as well known.

"Okay," she said quietly. "Where do we start?"

Harry was put in his cot so he wouldn't get in the way. Lily went around the house sending anything that was theirs down to the living room, where Sirius and Remus were sending it to the basement of Grimmauld Place by long-distance Banishing. The charm was a lot easier to do when you actually knew where the object was being sent, which was why that job had fallen to the two men.

Sirius had predicted correctly, and all of their things had been moved to Grimmauld Place in the space of an hour. Harry's cot was the last thing to go and the house looked strangely empty without their clutter, even though it had been furnished before they had moved in.

The three of them congregated in the living room, with Lily carrying Harry. Sirius was bent over the coffee table scribbling on a piece of parchment. When he had finished, he tapped it with his wand and it immediately went blank.

"What's that?" Lily asked.

" A note to anyone who wonders where we've gone. I charmed it so only certain people can read it. I hope I remembered everyone. If anyone else tries to read it then… well, it's not very pleasant."

Lily laughed. "Only Order members are going to get in here anyway, you know."

"You never know," Sirius said darkly.

"Right, are we ready to go?" asked Remus. "Lily, we reckon Sirius should take Harry, because he'll be able to Apparate straight onto the doorstep of the house and be under the protections. We don't know if you'll be able to do that if you've never been before so we're Apparating to an alleyway just off the square."

Lily nodded and passed Harry to Sirius. He led the way into the hallway and was about to open the front door when he suddenly stopped.

"Hold on," Sirius said, turning round and going back into the living room.

"What - ?" asked Lily, but she was cut off by Sirius as he came back into the hall holding a piece of silvery material.

"Wear this –" He passed the Invisibility Cloak to Lily "- we don't want the Muggles or anyone else seeing you by accident."

"Right, we'll see you in a few minutes."

Sirius opened the front door and stepped onto the front step. Lily waved at Harry before Sirius turned on the spot and Disapparated.

"We might as well go under the cloak together," Lily suggested to Remus. "That way we definitely won't be seen."

Remus agreed and Lily threw the cloak over them. She hadn't used the cloak since leaving Hogwarts and it was a strange sensation being invisible with Remus huddled close to her instead of James. Remus had to bend his knees slightly so that their feet didn't show and they exited the house awkwardly, pulling the door to a close behind them. Remus pulled out his wand and tapped it on the door. A faint  _click_  told them that it was locked.

Lily felt Remus grab her hand.

"Ready? On three," he said. "One… Two… Three."

In the brief pause before Remus had said "three", Lily had closed her eyes. In that moment, she wasn't on the front step of headquarters with Remus about to Disapparate, but was hundreds of miles away, sneaking back into Gryffindor tower with James. Then, Remus had said "three" and the illusion was broken.

She turned, feeling Remus beside her turn as well, and they were both swallowed by the suffocating darkness.

When Lily's feet found substantial ground once more, the first thing she recognised was that Remus was still holding her hand. She immediately let go and took deep breaths, her mind trying to figure out what had happened just before they had Disapparated.

"Lily, are you okay?" Remus' voice asked. Lily opened her eyes.

She was stood in a narrow alleyway. Weeds were growing up the side of the walls and somewhere a pipe was leaking; Lily could hear the constant  _drip, drip, drip_. Remus was stood in front of her. He looked confused and worried.

"It's nothing, I'm fine," Lily whispered. Her brain was still swimming slightly after it had forced the memory on her, but she now had a firm sense of her surroundings and felt nothing but confusion as to why that particular memory had come to the forefront of her mind. "Come on, let's go."

They slowly walked out of the alley into the square. There was a patch of unkempt grass in the middle and the miserable fronts of the houses surrounding it were not welcoming. Lily would never have associated this place with the oh-so-grand Black family.

As they passed the houses, Lily looked out for number twelve. Most of them had paint peeling off the doors and one or two had a broken window, which the owners had not boarded up yet. A few of the houses didn't even have numbers to identify them.

Remus stopped walking outside the grimiest looking house. Lily looked up and saw that it had the words "The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black" engraved in the stone above the door. The silver knocker on the battered wooden door was in the shape of a serpent.

Lily hesitated, but then sense caught up with her senses. The only dangerous thing waiting in there was the portrait of Sirius' mum, and quite possibly Kreacher. She walked up the worn stone steps with Remus, and, as she got closer, she could hear shouting coming from the other side of the door.

When they reached the top step, Lily took the Cloak off them and slowly opened the front door.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

"SHAME OF MY FLESH! YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO THE FAMILY YOU-"

"-TWISTED OLD HAG! THE FIRST THING I'LL DO WHEN I GET YOUR DAMN PORTRAIT DOWN IS BURN IT!"

Lily was overwhelmed by the noise as she entered a long narrow hallway. Opposite her there was a staircase and along the walls there were oil lamps that illuminated the wallpaper that was starting to peel. The walls were almost completely covered by small dark portraits whose occupants shunned the bright light. The exception to this was the portrait at the foot of the staircase that Sirius was stood in front of.

It spanned the entire floor to ceiling with its ornate silver frame. The life-sized portrait showed an old woman with a black cap screaming – screaming as if her life depended on it. The pale yellow skin of her face was stretched taut as she did so and her dark eyes were rolling. It was the most realistic, and disgusting, portrait Lily had ever seen.

Sirius was still holding Harry while he shouted back at the portrait. Harry was crying at all the noise and struggling to break free of Sirius' grip, who didn't appear to notice but was holding on tightly anyway. As Lily's ears adjusted to the din, she saw Kreacher sneak around a corner into sight and attempt to defend the portrait.

Remus closed the door behind them as Lily rushed forwards to grab Harry off Sirius.

"SHUT UP, YOU OLD COW, OR I'LL – oh, hey, Lily."

He passed Harry to her and was about to pull out his wand and turn on the portrait when a flash of light streaked past them and it fell silent. Lily looked over her shoulder and saw Remus making his way towards them with his wand out. He shrugged at their surprised looks.

"I wanted to see what would happen if someone tried to Stun it. It worked."

Before either Lily or Sirius could comment, Kreacher spoke.

"Filthy dark creature, attacking mistress' portrait –"

Sirius turned on the house elf.

"Before I forget, you are  _forbidden_  to call Remus 'dark creature', or Lily a 'mudblood', or – or insult them or Harry in any way. Understood?"

Kreacher narrowed his eyes at Sirius, gave him a curt nod, and then slowly made his way up the stairs. He did this without taking his eyes off Sirius once, who glared back until Kreacher was out of sight.

"Come on," Sirius muttered, "everything's in the basement."

He led them around the corner to a door that opened out to reveal a set of stone steps. Lily and Remus followed him down the steps and into a cavernous basement. There was a fireplace at the far end and two doors that looked as if they led to small cupboards. Taking up the majority of the room was the pile of their belongings. Lily groaned at the size of it.

"Well, we might as well get started," she said. Sirius raised an eyebrow, appraising the huge amount of things they had to find homes for.

"Nah, I can give you the tour first." Without further ado, he turned his back on the pile and made his way back upstairs. Lily laughed.

"You know we'll have to do it sometime, right?"

"Actually, if you just take the things out as you need them, then we'll never have to just sort it all out," said Remus.

"That'd be a great idea, Remus. If only we didn't need to use the basement to cook food tonight," Lily said over her shoulder to him, following Sirius back up the stairs.

"Oh, yeah."

They reached the top of the stairs. Sirius opened the door slightly, looking out into the hall, then turned and put a finger to his lips. Lily nodded to show that she understood. Sirius opened the door wider and walked out into the hall with Lily and Remus behind him.

He led them back around the corner and past the portrait of the woman, who, Lily saw, was now asleep, her chest moving up and down with her breathing. Sirius opened a door on the right and disappeared into the room beyond it. Once they were all in, he shut the door.

The room they had entered had windows looking out onto the square in front of the house. A long table cut the room in half and a dresser was pushed against a wall, on top of which stood various china plates.

"This is the dining room," said Sirius. He glanced around the room, but stopped when he saw the china on the dresser. "They're going to go."

"So that's your mum's portrait, the china … is there anything else that needs to be added to the list of things to thrown out yet?" Remus asked, smiling slightly.

"That portrait is of your mum?" Lily was in shock.

"Yes, she was always a lovely woman." Sirius' voice dripped with sarcasm. "We're just going to have to be quiet in the hallway until I figure out a way to get it down. There's nothing really interesting in here – I'll show you the parlour."

The three of them tip-toed across the hall into the parlour, and Sirius showed them the hidden door from there into the private study. After that, they went upstairs, making sure they were as quiet as possible in the hall. Lily almost screamed when she felt something brush against her on the stairs, and again when she realised that the thing that had touched her was a house elf head. Fortunately, in both cases she managed to stifle her scream, but it was a close call. They made their way through the house with Sirius pointing out what each room was, finishing on the third floor.

"What's upstairs?" said Lily, pointing up another flight of stairs.

"Just the attic, my room and Regulus' room. We don't have to go up there – it's nothing special." Sirius said all of this very quickly.

"But now I'm curious why you won't let us up. Here, hold Harry. My arms are starting to ache." Sirius took Harry off her and she began climbing the stairs.

"Really, Lily." Sirius sounded mockingly disappointed in her, but she could still hear him following her up the stairs.

When she reached the landing, Lily looked around. The door in front of her bore a plaque that read  _Sirius_. She pushed the door open and walked into the room.

Everything in the spacious bedroom was covered with a fine layer of dust. Lily guessed that no one had entered since Sirius had left all those years ago. The wardrobe's doors were open and discarded robes spilled out of them. Various other objects of little importance were littered on the floor: quills, parchment, odd chess pieces and a smashed ink bottle were just some of the items contributing to the mess. The wallpaper was some sort of silver-grey silk, though not a lot of it was visible.

Sirius had covered nearly every inch of the walls with posters. Large Gryffindor banners hung from all four walls and any space not covered by them was taken up by posters of Muggle motorcycles or (more frequently) bikini-clad Muggle women. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw something moving, and she spotted the only Wizarding photograph in the room.

The dust prevented Lily from seeing what it was of. She walked over to it and rubbed the dust off with her sleeve. Her heart jumped a little in her chest as she recognised the photograph. Lily had taken it herself, at the end of their fifth year at Hogwarts, after being persuaded to do so by James with the promise that he would do her holiday homework for her. She had laughed it off, saying that she didn't need anyone to do her homework for her, but had grabbed the camera anyway and taken the photograph. The four boys in the image were stood, arm in arm, laughing, without a care in the world. How things had changed, Lily thought.

She could have been watching the photo for a minute or an hour – Lily wouldn't have known. Someone cleared their throat behind her, which broke her out of her reverie. Lily looked around and saw Sirius and Remus stood in the doorway. With a sort of aching in her heart, Lily turned away from the photo.

"Nice décor. I'm sure your parents really appreciated it," she said, grinning. Sirius laughed humourlessly.

"They used to take them all down every time I went back to school. That was until I realised that with all the magic going on around here the Ministry couldn't tell whether I was doing magic or not, so I put Permanent Sticking Charms on the lot. I think they stopped coming up here altogether then." Sirius looked around the room. "Let's go back downstairs and start sorting that stuff out then if we're going to need to use the kitchen."

They didn't make much progress on their pile of possessions in the basement. It was nearly time to start making dinner by the time they got back down there and the three of them were too hungry to bother finding places to put all of the things. In the end, they just took the things they would need that night and in the morning, and then sent the rest to the dining room upstairs.

Lily was now sat at the long table with Sirius, who was leaning backwards on his chair so it was on two legs, waiting for Remus to finish cooking. Harry's high chair had been set up next to the table and he was sat in it, playing with the toy Sirius had made him for Christmas. Somehow, it always managed to be the first toy played with when Sirius was around and it also seemed to be Harry's favourite. Lily didn't mind; it kept them both quiet, even if a consequence of that was Sirius' head becoming more and more inflated by the day.

It wasn't long before Remus had finished cooking and the plates piled with spaghetti Bolognese were placed in front of them all. Just the smell of it made Lily's mouth water.

"This looks amazing, Remus," she said, before tucking into it.

They ate in silence for a while. Lily had to try to feed Harry in between mouthfuls, which proved difficult as a solo job and, in the end, she had Sirius and Remus helping.

"Here comes the flying Death Eater," said Remus, as he flew the fork around before finally 'landing' it in Harry's mouth. Sirius laughed.

"You can't say he isn't helping the cause," he said, and then looked at Lily. "Is he staying up tonight with us?"

"No, I'm trying to be a good mum." Lily rolled her eyes. "There's no way he's staying up tonight - he doesn't even know it's new years! And he'd be grouchy all day tomorrow if he did, I don't want to have to deal with that when I'm sleep deprived."

"Don't forget the hangover," Sirius smirked.

Sirius kept trying to persuade Lily to let Harry stay up with them to see in the New Year, but she didn't give in. She went to put him to bed at half seven in one of the bedrooms on the second floor that they had decided he could have. Lily was reluctant at first, but Remus and Sirius had persuaded her that he should get used to sleeping on his own again.

"Goodnight, Harry." She kissed him on the cheek and waved her wand to extinguish the lights.

Lily quietly made her way back downstairs and into the parlour. Sirius was attempting to engage Remus in conversation, but Remus didn't seem too interested. He was answering Sirius' questions with short answers that added nothing to the conversation.

"I don't know what it could be, Sirius. It could be anything."

"Exactly,  _it could be anything_. What do you think, Lily?"

Lily sat down in one of the armchairs. "What are we talking about?"

"The thing Dumbledore mentioned in the meeting yesterday. He said that the Death Eaters probably had somewhere apart from their headquarters, what do you reckon it is?"

"I don't know, it could be anything." Lily laughed at Sirius' annoyed expression. "Do we even know where it is?"

"You think what it is depends on where it is?"

"I think there's too much about it that we don't know to start speculating on what they're doing there. It could just be a prison for their hostages or somewhere where they're developing some new evil weapon. Are we really going to talk about Order stuff? It's New Years Eve!"

"I suppose not. I was just curious."

"You're always curious, Sirius," Remus said. "Remember that time you wanted to see what happened when a werewolf transformed?"

"That wasn't why we did it! You know that wasn't why, and I must have only said that once."

"I think it was one of the many times I caught you looking at animagus books."

"You didn't catch us that many times," Sirius scoffed.

"I did, though," said Lily. "' _We're just looking at the theory_ ' – you lot were the only people I wouldn't believe that excuse off. Especially when you were speaking very loudly about how something hadn't worked."

"Hey, this isn't a 'poke fun at Sirius' festival. I always made sure no one could hear me."

"That was just as suspicious. There was nothing you could do that would make looking at animagus books innocent."

"Okay, I'm not having fun now. Everyone's supposed to have fun on New Years Eve and I'm not."

"What do you want to do then?" Remus was suppressing a smile.

Sirius looked around the room. There wasn't much in here: the sofa and armchairs surrounded three sides of a coffee table with a fireplace along the other; along the back wall was a bookcase (which was the secret entrance to the study); nearby there was another table against a wall with chairs pushed under it. Behind the door to the hallway was a cabinet with cupboard doors made of glass and a few drawers beneath them. It was this that Sirius' eyes landed on.

"Have you ever used a  _Transfig-Orb_ , Lily?" he asked, his face breaking out into an evil grin. Lily glanced over at Remus, who was smiling.

"No," Lily said slowly, "what is it?"

Sirius had jumped out of his chair and was now rummaging in one of the drawers of the cabinet.

"I don't even know why we had one, really. Some ancestor of mine must have actually had a sense of fun that got lost somewhere. It's like an orb and you have to transfigure it – aha!"

Sirius pulled out what looked like a grey lump of clay. It was about the same size as a football and Lily would have thought it completely inconspicuous if it had not been emitting a faint pulsing glow. Sirius tapped it with his wand and it flew out of his hand, resting in mid air at eye level.

"You take turns transfiguring or charming it in some way and every now and again it'll sort of explode and change something in the room so that it's the same as the Orb," he explained. "I stole it once and took it to school, we'd mess around with it in our dorm. I can't believe you haven't used one, Lily."

"Muggle-born," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "Is there a winner, or…?"

"The winner is the person at the end who hasn't been hit by the Orb. How about it then?"


	18. Chapter Eighteen

Lily, Remus and Sirius were still transfiguring the Orb hours later. It had gone from grey to black and white with flowers growing out of it, to gold and cube shaped, to tartan with waving green tentacles and to many more. Around nine o'clock, Sirius went to get a bottle of wine out of the cabinet, which had been one of the first things to be hit by the Orb. Sirius had fought with the tentacles growing out of it that wouldn't let him open the cupboard doors and had ended up severing them. Now, after several drinks each, their aim was slightly awry and some of their spells were missing the Orb entirely, hitting the things behind it. Sirius was especially prone to this and Lily (who was sat opposite him) had to keep ducking to avoid being hit in the face.

Lily had just turned the Orb yellow so that it looked like a cartoon sun with the large pair of eyes Remus had constructed on it. With a flick of his wand, Sirius covered it with long spindly legs. The Orb glowed brighter for a second, giving them all a moments notice and Lily ducked just as it sent a jet of light her way. It missed her, but seconds later Lily could feel the long legs moving beneath her and against her back. She shrieked and immediately leaped off her chair and onto the sofa, almost squashing Remus. He and Sirius roared with laughter while Lily settled herself down with considerably more dignity onto the layer of grass that the sofa had grown. She looked over to the chair she had just vacated and saw that the legs covered it, and it had also grown the pair of eyes on the chair back and turned bright yellow.

It took Remus and Sirius a while to calm down enough to continue the game. Once they had done so, they managed to get through another few rounds without any casualties. Lily paused on her turn, running out of ideas. She stared at the chair with its rolling eyes, trying to think. Suddenly, an idea came to her and she flicked her wand at the now Puffskein-like Orb. It grew a massive pair of red lips.

"Nice," Remus said approvingly. The sight of the enormous lips seemed to have reminded Sirius of something incredibly important because he cried, "Oh, no!"

"What's the matter?" Remus asked.

"There's three of us, that means someone's going to have to go without a kiss at midnight." Sirius looked devastated by this knowledge.

"No, it's okay," reassured Remus. "Lily will kiss both of us. Problem solved."

"Hang on, don't I get a say in this? What if I don't want to kiss either of you?"

Remus and Sirius turned to look at her with what she supposed were puppy-dog eyes, except in Sirius' case he actually turned into a dog. Lily laughed at their drunken attempts to look cute.

"Fine," she said. Sirius transformed back into a human, but Lily hadn't finished. "I'll kiss both of you, if you two kiss."

Lily watched, amused, as they eyed each other up. She could almost hear their brains working, trying to work out whether it would be worth it. After a minute or so, Sirius nodded.

"Okay," he said slowly, "but this doesn't leave this room. And no tongues," he added.

"Deal." Remus still looked dubious about the whole thing. He turned away from Sirius and said to Lily in a business-like tone, "We need to decide who you'll kiss first."

"Does it really matter?"

"Yes, it's an important decision," Sirius agreed. "How about the first person to be hit by the Orb doesn't get the first kiss?"

"What if I get hit?"

"It's the person after that. Does that sound fair?"

They all agreed and went back to transfiguring the Orb. Lily had just cleared all the other enchantments off it and turned it into a disco ball when it shone brightly again. This time, the jet of light was aimed at Sirius and, as his reflexes were significantly slower than they were when he was sober, it hit him straight on the nose. His skin immediately turned silvery and reflective.

"This really isn't that comfortable," Sirius said, but Lily could barely him; her and Remus were laughing too hard.

Sirius didn't join in with the laughter, he just sat there with a murderous look on his face until Lily and Remus quietened down. However, that took a long time because every time Lily calmed down, she'd look up, see Sirius' face and burst out laughing again. Eventually, they stopped laughing enough for Remus to speak,

"That's settled then, I get the first kiss."

"Is that really all you two think about?"

"Yes," Sirius and Remus answered at the same time.

They continued playing, with Sirius as a living disco ball, until nearly midnight. By this time, Remus had become more amused at lighting his wand and pointing it at Sirius. The light reflected off Sirius' head and onto the walls and ceiling, shimmering every time he moved.

After a few minutes of this, there was a loud  _crash_ , making them all jump in their seats. They all looked around to see what had caused the noise and saw that the  _Transfig-Orb_  had fallen to the floor. Lily watched it return to its original form and begin glowing faintly again.

"It must give up after a bit if you stop using it," Remus reasoned.

"When do the rest of the enchantments wear off?" Lily asked, staring around the parlour. The rest of the objects still wore their enchantments; possibly the eeriest was the chair with its eyes, which flickered rapidly around the room.

"In about half an hour or so."

"Great," said Remus, and he lit his wand again, pointing it at Sirius' face. Specks of light appeared on the walls and ceiling again.

Sirius wasn't amused by this and tried to divert the attention to a radio that he had found earlier. He switched it on and the booming voice of Otto Bagman filled the room.

" -  _Now less than five minutes to the New Year, everyone._ " He paused, allowing a crowd to cheer. " _And to help me bring us into 1982, is none other than the man who plays beater for the_  Wimbourne Wasps  _and England's Quidditch team, and is my own brother, Ludo Bagman!_ " More cheering. " _Welcome, Ludo_."

" _Hi, Otto._ "

" _Wow, the crowd has just gone crazy, Ludo, completely crazy._ "

" _Oh, I usually have that affect on people_ -" He laughed. " _It's great being here, it's a great atmosphere. There's no better way to bring in the New Year!_ "

" _We didn't even have to pay him to say that, folks. Now, Ludo, it's a big year this year for you, isn't it?_ "

" _It sure is, Otto. We've got the World Cup in Japan this summer and –_ "

"Ugh, I hate him," Sirius said loudly. "Just because he's the best beater in the country he thinks he's better than the rest of us."

"True that," agreed Remus.

"I bet he's an arrogant little –"

"Shut up you two, we'll miss the countdown."

"Sorry,  _Mum_."

"Don't even go there, Sirius. Do you remember what happened last time we duelled?"

"Ha, I let you win that time," Sirius scoffed.

"Whatever, you just don't want to admit that you lost."

"What was that you said about missing the countdown, Lily?" asked Remus with a smirk.

"-  _There's now less than thirty seconds to the New Year. Okay everyone, we're going to ask you to help us out with the countdown … Here we go: ten! … Nine! … Eight!_ " The crowd shouted with Otto and Ludo.

"Aren't we supposed to have champagne at midnight?" said Lily. The other two shrugged.

"It's too late now."

"- _Three! … Two! … One! … Happy New Year everybody!_ "

Cheering and the sound of fireworks going off came from the radio. Lily leaned across the sofa, kissing Remus on the cheek.

"Happy New Year, Moony."

"Happy New Year."

"Aw, is that all we get? I was hoping for a proper snog," Sirius teased. He got up from his chair and squeezed in between Lily and Remus on the sofa, puckering his metallic lips.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you." Lily kissed him on the cheek. "Happy New Year."

"Happy New Year," Sirius grumbled, then turned to Remus. "Come on, then, let's get this over with."

"Happy New Year, Padfoot."

"Yeah, whatever."

They both looked vaguely disgusted as they leaned towards each other. Lily watched, silently laughing. She could see Remus scrunch up his face and their lips met very briefly. In less than a second, it was over. They both pulled away, pretending to gag.

"You know, they say that the way you start the New Year is how it'll be," said Lily, failing to keep a straight face. Sirius and Remus looked at her and she immediately thought that, if looks could kill, she'd be dead several times over.

"If we find out that you've told anyone about this," Sirius said, and Remus was nodding his head vigorously behind him, "then we'll – we'll –"

"Oh come on, I won't tell anyone if you don't want me too. At any rate, we probably won't remember it in the morning." Lily's eyes rested on the three empty wine bottles on the table.

"I don't know about that, I'm traumatised," said Remus. "I'll be having flashbacks to it for the rest of my life."

"And you're clearly not drunk enough, Lily," Sirius said, swaying slightly as he got up and went to get another bottle. On his way, he passed the radio, which was playing an awful song that Lily thought was by Celestina Warbeck. He turned it off with a tap of his wand. "If you can say that you won't remember something then you almost certainly will. It's the first rule of alcohol."

"There are more rules of alcohol?"

"Sure." Sirius tapped the cork in the bottle with his wand and it flew out. He began pouring the wine into their glasses. "It's just basic stuff, really. No matter how much you've had to drink you still can't hit on your friend's girlfriend, don't mix drinks, because no one else wants to be cleaning up your sick -"

"We only had to add that one because of you," Remus pointed out.

"How did you lot even get the alcohol at school?" asked Lily.

"What are you talking about? You were there half the time in seventh year!" Sirius handed them all their glasses back and sat down on the armchair that didn't still have legs coming out of it.

"I know I was drinking it, but you refused to tell me how you were getting it. I don't suppose the house elves gave it you?"

"No, did they heck. Two of us would sneak out into Hogsmeade under the Cloak and Aberforth would provide us with our drinks."

Lily was momentarily stunned at this; it was one of the stupidest things she'd ever heard.

"How was that ever going to be a good plan?"

"What do you mean? We never got caught!"

Lily laughed.

"Aberforth is Dumbledore's brother! You don't think he'd tell him when a bunch of students were sneaking out for alcohol?"

Remus and Sirius stared at her in silence. Remus, who'd raised his glass to his lips to take a drink, slowly lowered it again. After a moment, Sirius shrugged.

"We still never got caught."

"You're the biggest bunch of idiots I've ever met."

"There's only two of us here, Lily. I don't think that classifies as a 'bunch'," Remus said quietly.

His words were met with silence. Lily blinked and looked around, as if realising for the first time that it was only the three of them in the room, and it would only be the three of them ever again. She had been cheerful and having fun mere seconds ago, but Remus' words had sobered her up almost immediately.

"Right," she said numbly.

Sirius raised his glass and downed the drink in one go.

"How did we get to this?" he asked nobody in particular. "This wasn't supposed to happen, we shouldn't be here! We were supposed to be at your place-" He nodded in Lily's direction. "- In Godric's Hollow. It was going to be the five of us, we'd been talking about it."

No one else spoke, just letting Sirius' words wash over them. His voice was full of anger, but beneath that, the pain and anguish could be heard as raw as they had been when he had stormed into headquarters that night. Sirius carried on talking, not caring that nobody was listening.

"Stop it, Sirius." Lily spoke in a pause in his monologue. "I don't want to listen to this. It was your idea to move here, just stop it."

"Why? I don't want to forget about him, why do you? It's not  _fair_ , Lily!"

Lily pushed back the tears that were threatening to overflow, but when she spoke again, her voice shook.

"I-I know it's not fair. And I'm not forgetting about him, I just –"

Various loud  _pop_ s interrupted her. Around them, the enchantments left over from the  _Transfig-Orb_  vanished. The grass on the sofa retracted back into it, the eyes and legs on the armchair disappeared, other mutations vanished and objects returned to their usual colours. Sirius' skin went from silver and metallic to its regular pale flesh. He stood up and stalked out of the room, leaving Remus and Lily behind, stunned.

"I'll make sure he doesn't do anything stupid," Remus said. He rushed out into the hallway and then Lily was left alone.

She put her wine glass on the coffee table and buried her face in her hands. But she didn't cry. Lily sat like that for a while, wrapped up in her thoughts. No, it wasn't fair, and she did still miss James terribly, it just wasn't at the forefront of her mind all the time anymore. Was Sirius really upset about that? That she seemed to have forgotten about her husband?

Lily heard the door open and looked up. Remus was stood there, looking at her warily. He seemed to have decided that it was okay to approach her as he came over to sit beside Lily.

"He's gone up to his room. At least, the door was locked and I could hear someone in there."

Lily nodded once.

"You don't think it's weird," she started tentatively, "that I don't want to dwell on it all the time?"

"I think that was the drink talking, not Sirius. He had more than either of us. But no," said Remus, "I don't think that it's weird. James wouldn't want you to be sat here moping about it."

"He would a bit." Lily attempted a smile, but it didn't feel right. Remus' lips twitched. Lily took a deep breath, realising as she did so that her eyelids were drooping and she was exhausted. "I'm going to go to bed. Don't want to have to be up early with Harry with only a few hours sleep."

She stood up, and nearly fell back down on the sofa. Remus caught her and helped Lily right herself.

"I'll help you up there."

"No, I'm fine. You don't have to take me up."

"I might as well go up now, anyway. No point in staying down here on my own."

Despite Lily's assurances that she didn't need help getting up the stairs, she really did feel unsteady on her feet and allowed Remus to put an arm around her as they made their way up. They didn't speak on their way to the second floor, for fear that they would wake up the portrait of Sirius' mum.

Remus took Lily right to the door of the bedroom she had chosen because it was on the same floor as Harry's. He let go of her but Lily put her arms back around him, hugging him.

"I'm sorry," Remus said.

"What for?"

"Ruining the evening."

Lily shook her head. "It wasn't your fault. 'Night."

" 'Night."


	19. Chapter Nineteen

When Lily awoke the next morning, the first thing she recognised was that her head felt as if it was being attacked by a rampant erumpent. The next thing she felt was panic, as she didn't recognise her surroundings: the large four poster bed she was in, the green wallpaper and silver chandelier hanging exactly in the centre of the room. It was a moment before Lily's sense caught up with her senses. She hadn't spent much time in the room the previous day and when she had come up to go to bed she hadn't paid much attention to her surroundings, so it wasn't much of a surprise that she had panicked. Now, with sunlight illuminating the room through the curtains, she could see the sparsely decorated room in detail.

Vague memories of the previous night (or that morning) drifted into Lily's mind and she groaned. Each one made her head pound harder and she screwed up her eyes against the pain. Lily sat up, groaning as the pain intensified.

 _Great_ , she thought bitterly,  _this was going to be a fun day_.

Lily slowly got dressed, doing her best to not make her headache worse. A quick look in the mirror made it clear that there wasn't any point in trying to make herself look decent: her auburn hair looked as if she had been swung around on one of the Whomping Willow's branches in her sleep and there were dark circles beneath her eyes. Then she quietly – ever so quietly – made her way downstairs. Someone had already Stunned the portrait of Sirius' mother at the foot of the stairs and Lily was eternally grateful to whomever it was. She did not need a crazy portrait screeching at her when her head felt as if it might explode and leave bits of brains all over the hallway.

As she made her way down to basement, Lily could hear voices: one was being very noisy and the other seemed to be attempting to quieten the first.

"No breka!"

"Ssh Harry. You don't have to be this loud. Be a good boy."

"No breka!"

"You've got to have breakfast.  _Please_  be quiet, Harry."

"No breka!"

Lily reached the bottom of the stairs. Remus was sat at the table trying to feed Harry breakfast. He looked up as Lily was making her way towards the table and mouthed "Morning."

"I feel like my head's going to explode. I swear, I'm never going to drink again," whispered Lily, taking a piece of toast off the pile on a plate in the middle of the table. "Thanks for getting Harry up. How long have you been awake?"

"No problem," Remus said, equally quiet. "About an hour. When I was coming down I heard Harry shouting in his room. I'm surprised you didn't hear him and wake up."

"I slept like a rock last night. Apparently it wasn't enough – I still look like the living dead."

Remus smiled slightly and went back to trying to make Harry eat some toast.

Lily absentmindedly ripped her slice into pieces. She let Harry's refusals to eat wash over her and did her best at staying awake. She wasn't very good at it. Lily's eyes had fluttered shut so that all she knew was the pain in her head and the blurred together voices of Remus and Harry.

After a few minutes of this, Lily heard Remus give a particularly loud  _huff_  and she forced her eyes to open.

The plate of toast was now next to Harry, except that it didn't have toast on it anymore. It looked as if he had taken each slice, ripped it into pieces and thrown them on the floor. Remus was sat back in his chair, rubbing his eyes and temples, and muttering under his breath. Harry picked up the last slice of toast and was ready to tear it in half.

"Stop it, Harry," said Lily. There must have been some sort of authority in her voice because Harry stopped and looked up at her. "Mummy and Uncle Remus are tired and have headaches, so please can you behave today? That means eating the food you're given and not throwing it around."

Lily picked her wand out of the pocket of her robes and pointed it at the various pieces of toast on the floor. They zoomed across the room and dropped into the bin. Lily moved her chair so that she was closer to Harry, took the slice of toast he held in his hands and ripped it into smaller pieces, giving them to Harry one by one for him to eat, which he did so without making a sound. Under normal circumstances, Lily would have been stunned to see Harry do what he was told, but in her sleep-deprived state, she was concentrating too hard on staying awake and trying not to focus too much on her pounding head.

"Good boy, Harry," she said when Harry had eaten all the toast.

"I still don't know how you do it, Lily," said Remus. He had watched in amazement while Harry had eaten quietly.

"Practice. And luck." Lily laughed silently. "Sometimes he does what he's told and sometimes he doesn't. I think you just happen to try to make him behave when he doesn't want to. Or he actually listens to me, who knows?"

Remus was about to speak when there was a sudden eruption of noise above them. A combination of nonsense screeching and various swear words shouted as loud as possible reached their ears.

"Oh no," Lily said, covering her ears with her hands and Remus did the same. It didn't help much: Lily could still hear the shouting through the ceiling and it had upset Harry, who was now crying. She awkwardly tried to pick Harry up and put him on her knee while keeping both of her ears covered. Lily just about managed it, tilting her head to one side so that her ear was pressed against her shoulder gave her one free hand, which she was able to use to pick Harry up and stop him falling while she bounced him on her knee, trying to calm him down.

The shouting became louder for a second, before the slam of a door told Lily that someone had opened the door at the top of the basement stairs and was making their way down.

Sirius appeared at the bottom of the stone steps, looking much worse for wear than Lily did. His pale face was even whiter, which made the dark circles below his eyes more pronounced and the usually smooth black hair was tangled and knotted. He looked as if he'd had to fight a hundred dementors on his way down to breakfast, as well as his mother's portrait. Sirius also had his hands covering his ears and was muttering unintelligible curses.

"Rough night?" asked Remus. Sirius flinched like he'd been punched.

"Need water." Sirius' voice was hoarse. He made himself a glass of water and sat down at the table, taking sips occasionally.

"Sirius, you look terrible, are you sure you shouldn't still be in bed?" Lily asked. She tentatively took her hand away from her ear, checking to see if the noise upstairs had died down. It was quieter now, but the portrait could still be heard distantly.

"My bedroom smells of puke," he said. This was met with silence. Lily didn't really know what to say that wouldn't sound inappropriate or heartless. There was some part of her that thought he deserved it after shouting last night, but there was a larger part that was looking at the man in front of her who looked as if he would never be able to smile again.

"Couldn't you get Kreacher to clean it up?" Remus said.

"Where is Kreacher?" asked Lily, suddenly realising that she hadn't seen him since the previous day when they had arrived.

"Sulking in the attic – that's another reason I didn't sleep well," Sirius said faintly. "But that is a brilliant idea, Moony. Kreacher!"

A loud  _crack_  announced Kreacher's entrance and it made the three adults flinch slightly. The house elf narrowed its eyes and started mouthing insults that Lily could only guess at. He soon stopped, looked up at Sirius and said "What does Master wish poor Kreacher to do? Ungrateful vermin that he is…"

Sirius ignored Kreacher's last remark. "I need you to clean my bedroom so that it doesn't smell disgusting. If I find out that you've thrown any of my things away then I'll … I'll … I'll think of some worthy punishment when I'm feeling better." Sirius turned slightly green and rested his head on the table.

"Yes Master, whatever Master wishes." Kreacher gave him a low bow and disappeared with another  _crack_.

"Ungh," Sirius said.

Lily and Remus looked at each other over the top of Sirius' head.

The rest of that day was spent avoiding loud noises and making sure there was a bucket nearby when Sirius sat up suddenly. Any tidying up of the house that needed to be done was once again ignored as much as possible and the pile of things in the dining room was left to gather dust for another day. They all went to bed early that evening, being too tired and ill to stay up much later than Harry's usual bedtime.

Lily awoke the next morning without a headache and feeling much more refreshed because of it. Unfortunately, that meant that, despite having started tidying the house, she wasn't tired enough to sleep that night. Lily tossed and turned, trying to make herself comfortable in the large bed, but to no avail. It didn't help that nonsense thoughts kept running around her head, things like which robes she should wear tomorrow and how they were going to get down all the things that had been stuck onto the walls of the house with Permanent Sticking Charms. Eventually, Lily gave up. She got out of bed, put on her dressing gown and made her way across the landing to the room where Harry slept.

She quietly opened the door and pressed it shut. There was barely enough light in the room for Lily to see; a strip of moonlight fell on the wall opposite the window where the curtains hadn't been closed properly. She managed to carefully walk towards the chair beside Harry's cot and sit down in it.

Lily could just about make out Harry's outline through the gloom. She reached her arm into the cot to tuck the sheets around him, as they had become loose while he slept. Her hand lingered in the cot, stroking Harry's hair with the back of it.

His gentle snores punctuated the silence while Lily watched him sleep. Harry's chest rose and fell with each breath, calming her thoughts. The restlessness was gone now, replaced by a contentedness that Lily doubted she would ever find doing something other than just watching her son sleep. However, it didn't make her sleepy like she had thought it might. She'd hoped that the presence of someone else and the repetitive breathing might have relaxed her enough for her to fall asleep. It hadn't, but it didn't bother Lily so much now.

Footsteps on the stairs outside interrupted Lily's relaxed mood. She reflexively grabbed her wand that was in her pocket.

 _It's just Sirius or Remus. No one else can get in. It's just Sirius or Remus_ , Lily chanted in her head. There was really no reason to be paranoid – no one  _could_  get in except the three of them and any Order members that had read Sirius' note. Still, reason didn't stop Lily from worrying.

She raised her wand and silently crossed the room to the door. Lily opened it a sliver so that she could see who was wandering around the house this late at night. A figure with brown hair had lit its wand (presumably to see where it was going) and was walking down the stairs.

"Remus?"

The figure jumped slightly and turned around, raising its wand above its head.

"Lily? What were you doing in Harry's room?" Remus whispered, stepping up a few stairs in order to see her better. Lily shrugged.

"I couldn't sleep. Why are you creeping around?"

"Same." His voice was casual, but his face hardened in the wand light. Lily started down the staircase with him.

"The change of house hasn't stopped the nightmares?"

"No. They're not as detailed now anyway, but still … unpleasant."

They didn't speak again until they reached the basement. Lily got them both glasses of water and sat down with Remus.

"You're still not sleeping then?" Remus said after a while. It wasn't a question, but the tone of his voice made it sound as if it was.

"I just couldn't sleep. It wasn't… James. Not tonight, anyway," said Lily. It was true: it hadn't been thoughts of him that had stopped her sleeping. Most nights it was, but maybe once or twice in the past week (including tonight), the memories hadn't plagued her.

"That's good, in a way, isn't it?"

Lily nodded and took a sip of her water. Neither of them spoke for a while. Remus was looking around the kitchen and Lily stared into her glass.

"You know, it's going to be a lot further to take you upstairs when you fall asleep down here," Remus said, breaking the silence. Lily took a moment to think about what he had said.

"What if you fall asleep first? I'll have to take you right up to the third floor, you have to be the awkward one, don't you?" teased Lily.

"You always fall asleep first. And I wasn't seriously going to take the bedroom on the first floor, you can hear Old Burga!"

"'Old Burga'" Lily laughed, completely confused.

"Walburga's portrait. Sirius' mum," Remus explained. "It was mine, James' and Peter's nickname for her, I don't think Sirius knows about it, to be honest. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't mind."

"I'm surprised you didn't get more invites to visit Sirius at home," said Lily, still smiling.

"None of us  _ever_  got an invite to come here. His parents were hardly going to allow me, the Potters are the biggest lot of blood traitors there are – probably only seconded by the Weasleys - and Peter, well, he was too socially inept to get an invite. He'd probably have made a fool of himself in some way."

Peter was very rarely mentioned by name by anyone anymore, but when he was, Lily preferred to think of the awkward but always smiling boy she had met at school than the man who had betrayed her. It wasn't too hard to do; the two versions of him didn't fit together at all.

They made meaningless conversation until well past midnight. It was during a lull in the talk when Lily's eyelids were beginning to droop that she thought of something that she had never asked before in their few weeks' worth of nights they had spent up together.

"What are the nightmares about?"

"What?"

"Your nightmares. The ones that wake you up all the time. What are they about?"

Remus didn't answer. He looked down at the table, frowning, and started playing with the sleeves of his pyjamas. Lily stared at him, waiting for an answer.

"You don't want to know," he said, finally.

"Well, now I really do."

Remus took a deep breath, still not looking at her. "Halloween. That's the most common one. I know I wasn't there, but I have a vivid imagination. That's actually why I don't read as much any more. It's too real."

Lily didn't know whether the last comment was about his imagination in general or the nightmares. Either way, it didn't matter. Remus had been right when he said that she didn't want to know because now that was all she could think about. Lily had been lucky that she hadn't been having nightmares about it, although it wasn't much of a surprise because she rarely remembered her dreams, and even when she did they had no relevance to her life.

They sat up for a while longer, exchanging the occasional remark but not trying to hold a conversation anymore.

Lily was the first to fall asleep.


	20. Chapter Twenty

"Bye bye, Harry," said Sirius, kissing him on the cheek. "Have a nice day cleaning."

"Don't worry, Sirius, I'm sure there'll be plenty more to do when you come back."

"I would actually rather be here doing something, instead of having to stop your sister's stupid son from eating his fingers when he gets too hungry."

Lily smiled sweetly. "Tell Petunia I said hi."

Sirius glared at her before slowly going up the stairs to the hallway, leaving Lily with Harry and Remus.

"So, where do you want to start today?" Remus asked.

Over the past week, Lily and Remus had started going through the house and cleaning all the rooms, while Sirius had returned to his post as bodyguard for Petunia during the day. By 'cleaning', they really meant 'throwing everything out that in some way was connected to the Blacks', something they had been told to do by Sirius. In any case, they hadn't gotten very far. In some houses it might take half a day or a day to clean each room using magic, but not this one. Each room was so cluttered with objects and there was so much to throw out that it had taken almost three days to clear the dining room.

"We've done all of down here now, haven't we? I suppose we should start on the drawing room."

They finished breakfast at a leisurely pace, as neither of them particularly wanted to start the cleaning. Lily was a bit wary about the drawing room; it had more clutter than all of the other rooms combined and she dreaded to think what they might find there. Only yesterday they had found a pair of purple robes in the first floor bedroom that had tried to strangle Lily before Remus had come to the rescue.

It was mid morning before Lily and Remus could bring themselves to start cleaning the drawing room. Lily supposed that it was a magnificent room, just in desperate need of a proper cleaning. Two large windows overlooked the street in front of the house and one wall was completely covered by a tapestry. Two cabinets that were so full of old silver objects that it looked as if it would burst stood on either side of the fireplace. More cabinets and chests of drawers stood against the walls where they were not blocking the windows or the tapestry.

"What's that?" Lily asked, walking over to the tapestry while carrying Harry. It looked very old, but the golden thread used in it still shined brightly. At the very top of the tapestry, stitched in the golden thread were the words:

_The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black_

_'Toujours pur'_

The dates underneath the names near the top were around the 13th century and the family tree sprawled downwards from there. Occasionally, Lily would spot a black burn mark where a name must have been blasted off. She scanned the bottom of the tapestry, looking for Sirius' name, and wasn't altogether surprised when she saw a hole next to ' _Regulus Black, 1961-1979_.

"Wow," breathed Lily. "They really took the pure-blood thing seriously."

"You didn't already know that?" Remus had moved and was stood beside her, also examining the tapestry.

"Yes, but… I just don't understand it. Pure-bloods aren't any better at magic than the rest of us."

"I think it's more to do with the rest of us not being worthy of having magic. Anyway, it's not as if the people who belief that nonsense are completely sane – just look at Old Burga's portrait."

Lily was silent for a moment, reading the names of Sirius' relatives and seeing if she recognised any of them. There were the Prewetts, and one of his great-Aunts had married a Crouch, but the rest all seemed to be names that Lily recognised as Death Eaters.

"Come on, we should get started," said Remus.

"Hmm." Lily didn't move.

"Lily?"

"Yes, sorry. You're right."

"Why are you so interested in the family tree?"

"It's nothing really. Just my family were never that close, my mum was an only child and my dad didn't get on with his brothers. Big families fascinate me."

"Even when more than half of it is trying to kill you?" Remus smiled, raising his eyebrows.

"Oh, especially then," laughed Lily. "We better start cleaning then, or this room'll never get done."

Lily sat Harry on an old sofa in the middle of the room with a few of his toys and set to work clearing out one of the cabinets, while Remus started on a chest of drawers. It wasn't very hard work, throwing out the old bits and bobs into the sack, until she reached the back of the cabinets. The things that lived there seemed to have become fond of their home after so many years and did not cooperate when Lily tried to remove them. A silver something with many legs suddenly came to life and scurried up her arm when Lily tried to pick it up, and she quickly sent it flying across the room and into the sack they were throwing the unwanted things before it could do her any harm.

By the time Lily was ready for lunch, she had only just finished emptying the one cabinet. She sat back on the floor, wanting to rest for a while, when there was a  _thump_  behind her, followed by screaming and low mutterings that were barely audible. Lily span round.

The first thing she saw was Harry on the floor, crying. Lily immediately hurried over to where he was without bothering to stand up. She picked him up, holding him tightly to her chest and rocking him. As she did so she made sure that Harry was okay: there wasn't any blood and he didn't seem to have broken anything. Lily's worry and panic lessened as she realised this.

"What happened, Kreacher?"

Lily looked up at Remus' words. Kreacher was nearly at the door now, apparently trying to sidle out without being seen. His usual general mutterings that were always in the background at Grimmauld Place changed to ones of more purpose.

"Kreacher doesn't have to answer the werewolf, no. Kreacher thinks he'll get away from the brat's crying, too loud for poor Kreacher's old ears."

And with that he left the room, shutting the door behind him.

"Is Harry okay?" Remus asked.

"I think so. Did you see what happened?"

"No, I bet he was sneaking in here to steal stuff back like he's been doing everyday and Harry saw him."

"I knew I couldn't trust him around Harry. Here, hold him while I go after the foul little-" Lily held Harry out for Remus to take him.

"Or, we could get Sirius to make Kreacher answer to us when he gets home. We're the ones in here all day, it doesn't make sense for us to put up with his nonsense without being able to say anything back."

Lily frowned. Doing the more sensible course of action that Remus had suggested really wasn't as satisfying as it would be to curse Kreacher into next week, and she doubted Sirius would mind. Nevertheless, it probably wouldn't be a good idea to start a war with the house elf, especially with so many dark objects still in the house that he probably knew how to use.

"Yeah, I suppose you're right. Let's go downstairs, I'm hungry."

After a quick lunch, Lily and Remus went back upstairs to carry on with the decontaminating of the drawing room. This time, they made sure that they locked the door so Kreacher couldn't get in and upset Harry again. They hadn't been cleaning out the cabinets for long before Lily heard shouting behind her.

"Hey, Lily – help!"

Something black with wings was attacking Remus, who had moved onto one of the cabinets near the windows. He was waving his arms about trying to get rid of it. Lily didn't stop to think.

" _Stupefy!_ " she shouted, aiming her wand at the thing that was flying around Remus' head. The spell hit its target and the thing fell to the floor.

"Are you alright? What was it?" Lily asked.

"I'm fine, it didn't get me." He peered at the thing on the floor. "It's a Doxy."

Lily moved closer, and now she could see the beetle-like wings and its four arms and legs that made it distinguishable from a fairy.

"How did that get in here?"

"No idea. Do you think there's just the one?"

"If we're lucky. Maybe you should stay away from around there just in case."

They went back to clearing out the cabinets. The one Lily was emptying was significantly less dangerous than the one that morning, as it was full of old photographs and silver jewellery bearing the Black family crest. Something glinted gold at the back of one of the shelves and Lily reached in to pick it out.

It was a heavy gold locket. Lily flipped it over in her hand and saw a small snake made out of emeralds. She tried to prise it open with her fingernails but it wouldn't budge.

" _Alohomora_ ," she muttered, tapping it with her wand. It still wouldn't open.

"What have you got there?" Remus asked from the other side of the room.

"An old locket that won't open. You can have a go if you want."

Lily threw the locket to Remus; he fumbled it and it made a loud  _clunk_  as it hit the floor. He bent over to pick it up and examined it, trying, like Lily had, to open it. Finally, he gave up.

"It's just an old locket, it can go in the bin," he said, moving towards the sack.

"Look at the mark on it, though. Isn't that Slytherin's?"

Remus turned it over in his hand and frowned at it.

"Yes. Do you think we should show this to Dumbledore?"

"Probably. You don't normally find old Hogwarts founders' relics when you clean a house."

Remus put the locket in his pocket and they carried on emptying the old cabinets.

They managed to get through the rest of the afternoon without any more Doxies attacking them or Kreacher trying to steal back family heirlooms. Lily was exhausted when they decided to give up for the day and felt quite proud of herself for doing so much, until she took a step back and realised that, compared to how much they had left to do, not a lot had been done.

Sirius came home when Lily and Remus were halfway through dinner. He was complaining about having nothing to do all day and how the most interesting thing he did was chase the birds in the garden, until Lily told him about Kreacher.

"He did WHAT?"

"We don't know exactly but Harry –"

"I'm going to kill him, the filthy piece of-"

"That's what I wanted to do but Remus stopped me. He thinks it would just be easier if you make him take orders from us."

Sirius looked as if she had just announced that Christmas was going to be twice that year.

"Oh, he'll hate that. That's a brilliant idea, perfect punishment. You're a genius, Moony."

"I always knew that was the only reason you kept me around, so I could come up with great ideas."

"Nah, it was so we could copy your homework."

They ate for a while, not making conversation. The doorbell rang just as they were finishing, causing Walburga's portrait to start screaming. Sirius got up and rushed up the stairs to quieten the portrait and open the door. He came back down, not long after, accompanied by Dumbledore.

"Good evening, Lily, Remus. I must say, Sirius, I haven't met your mother in a long time and yet she's still as delightful as ever."

"Yes, some people never change. Do you want something to drink?"

"Oh no, I've just come for a flying visit. I wanted to talk to Lily, actually."

"You did?" Lily looked up, surprised, from wiping Harry's chin that he had managed to dribble half of his dinner on.

"Yes. I recently came into contact with a young man who wishes to meet you and he left it to me to contact you."

Lily stiffened, suddenly suspicious. Out of the corner of her eyes, she could see Remus and Sirius frowning.

"Really? Do you know if he's… Are you sure he's not a Death Eater? What do you know about him?"

"His name is Seth Gibson. He told me that he grew up in America with adopted Muggle parents, naturally they were very surprised when he turned out to be a wizard. They passed away recently and he decided he wanted to research his biological parents. It turned out that his mother had been a teenager when she got pregnant so gave him up for adoption. Unfortunately, she had also recently deceased so he started researching to see if he had any siblings."

"I –what? He thinks I'm his half sister, or something?"

"What if he's just some Death Eater trying to get into our inner circle and then he'll try to take Harry?" asked Sirius.

"Trust me, Sirius," Dumbledore said, patiently. "I did already think of that and I asked to see proof: he had birth certificates, adoption papers, everything he had gathered. It all proved that what he was telling me was true."

"You could forge them though, couldn't you? It would be easy enough with magic," said Lily.

"Which is why I suggest you meet him and decide for yourself. I didn't meet with him for very long, I've been excruciatingly busy, but I didn't pick up any immediate danger signs. I told him the situation you are in and he agreed to meet you somewhere public."

Lily didn't know what to think: it could be a Death Eater trying to attack them again, even though Dumbledore hadn't noticed anything wrong with him, or it could be true and this man really was her brother. Surely she would have known though? Her mum could have mentioned it at some point, couldn't she? It was too late to ask now. The only way to find out was to meet him herself.

"I'll meet him, as long as Sirius and Remus can come too."

"I can't," Sirius grumbled. "I'm at Petunia's all day."

"And I'd have to stay here with Harry," said Remus.

"Oh."

"I'm sure we can find someone to baby-sit Harry. Sirius will need to stay at your sister's, though."

"Okay, well, The Leaky Cauldron would be alright, wouldn't it?"

"We need to go to Diagon Alley sometime soon, anyway," Remus said.

"We do?"

"You'll have to start making the Wolfsbane potion on Wednesday and we need to buy Doxycide for the drawing room."

"Right, so it's definitely The Leaky Cauldron then." Lily hadn't been paying attention to the phases of the moon. It felt as if she had only just stopped making the potion and now she had to start again.

"An excellent choice. Is there a specific day you had in mind?"

It was eventually decided that Lily and Remus would meet Seth Gibson the day after tomorrow, and Dumbledore promised to pass the message along. He was about to leave when Remus remembered the locket they had found that afternoon.

"It was in one of the cabinets upstairs, we thought you'd want to look at it," he said, passing it to Dumbledore. Dumbledore narrowed his eyes as he examined it, tracing the small snake on its front with his long fingers and trying to open it but failing.

"Thank you for showing me this. I hope you don't mind if I take it? I'd like to examine it properly."

"No problem. I've never seen it before, are you sure it was upstairs?" said Sirius.

"Yes, Lily found it. It's Slytherin's, isn't it?" Remus asked Dumbledore.

"One would think so. I'll have to have a thorough look to be sure." Dumbledore looked at his watch. "I really must be going now. There's an Order meeting on Friday, although I suppose I won't be seeing one of you there because you'll have to stay here with Harry. I hope you enjoy the rest of your evening."

Sirius went with Dumbledore to the front door. Lily's mind was racing a little; barely an hour ago everything had been normal, and now she probably had a half-brother. It even sounded weird in her head, never mind actually saying it out loud. There was really nothing more to say about it until they met, Lily would see how she felt about it then.


	21. Chapter Twenty One

_Tap, tap, tap._

Lily was staring at nothing in particular while biting her lip. She let the noise in the room wash over her, not concentrating on anything around her.

_Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap._

It felt weird not to have Harry with her. Obviously it wasn't safe for him to come with them, but that didn't stop it being weird. In the end, the only person who had been available to baby-sit was Augusta Longbottom and Sirius had had to tell her where the house was. She had come over just after lunch with Neville, who had started playing with Harry immediately. Lily thought Harry had been barely paying attention when she said goodbye. Although, she had been thinking too much about what she was going out to do to notice much herself.

_Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap._

What if he didn't come? Would he look like their mum? What would they talk about? Lily hadn't been this nervous when Dumbledore had told her, so why was she now? Nothing had changed in the past day, only that Lily had had time to think about it. What was she supposed to say?  _Hi, I'm the child our mother decided to keep_? There was no way that was going to be one of the first things she said to him.

_Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap._

Someone placed a warm hand over Lily's own and she jumped slightly in her chair. She looked around wildly, but it was just Remus. He was watching her, his eyebrows raised and brown eyes traced with worry.

"Will you stop doing that? It's going to be fine. No one would dare attack you in public. Relax. Take deep breaths."

Lily hadn't even noticed that she had been tapping her fingernails on the table. She stopped and started breathing deeply, but looked away from Remus, still biting her lip.

"I hadn't even been thinking about that, actually. But thank you for adding to my list of worries."

"You weren't worrying about possibly being attacked?" Lily could hear the scepticism in his voice.

"Well, no. I can deal with Death Eater attacks; I've done it before and will probably have to do it again at some point. Believe it or not, I've never had a random stranger claim to be my half-brother before."

"Okay, I see your point. What  _are_  you worried about, then?"

"You really want to know?"

Remus pretended to think about it for a moment. "Err… Yes."

All of the questions that had built up over the past twenty-four hours and Lily had been asking herself, spilled out of her.

"What are we going to talk about? Will he look like mum? How much should I tell him about what's going on? What if he's a creep? Does he even know that there's a war going on? Should I trust what he says? What if he's not really my half-brother but a crazy stalker?  _What am I going to tell Petunia_?"

Lily could have carried on, but stopped with one look at Remus' stunned face. He blinked several times before speaking.

"Let's just… let's just take it one step at a time. He isn't even here yet, we don't have to worry about what to tell Petunia until later."

"Right."

Lily continued biting her lip, now looking around the room to see if he had arrived. After a few minutes of this, she gave up, lowering her head to stare at the grains in the wood of the table. With one hand, Remus was fiddling with the wrappings on one of the packages (they had quickly gone to Diagon Alley first to get the Doxycide and ingredients for the Wolfsbane potion.) His other was still placed over Lily's. She was secretly grateful for this, as if having skin contact with calm, collected Remus was making herself calmer, but that might have just been the deep breaths she had been taking since she had suggested it.

A shadow fell over them.

"Excuse me, are you Lily Evans?" An American accent said.

Lily's jerked her head upwards. A man stood across the table from her, towering over herself and Remus. Shining green eyes contrasted with his pale face and strawberry blonde hair, which was barely long enough to cover the tops of his ears. Even though he was just standing there, Lily could tell that he had that sort of self-confidence that didn't result in him being cocky and arrogant. Instead, he stood calmly with a smile on his face as if he was meeting an old friend.

"Potter," Lily said reflexively, "Lily Potter. Are you Seth Gibson?"

"I apologise. And yes, I am." Despite the friendly appearance, he spoke formally. He turned to Remus. "I take it you're Mr. Potter?"

"We're not married," Remus said quickly. "I'm just a friend. Remus Lupin."

He extended the hand that had been covering Lily's so that Seth could shake it.

"I'm afraid I've not made a very good first impression, have I?" Seth said, taking Remus' hand and shaking it. "Two mistakes in the space of ten seconds, it must be some sort of record."

"Don't worry about it," said Lily, attempting a smile as Seth sat down on a chair opposite her and Remus.

"Will your husband be joining us, then?" Seth asked.

Lily felt her face go cold and the smile slide off it.

"I've just said something terrible haven't I? Seth's eyes flickered from Lily to Remus. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to-"

"He was murdered." Lily's throat constricted, making it hard for her to speak, but she did so anyway. Seth opened his mouth to say something but Lily cut across him, "You didn't know, don't apologise."

"I'm still sorry. Is that why you're in hiding?"

"Dumbledore said he'd told you the situation," said Remus, a crease appearing between his eyebrows. Lily thought she could detect a trace of hostility in his voice, though whether Seth did as well and simply chose to ignore it she didn't know.

"It was a very quick meeting, there wasn't much time to go into details. He said he was busy."

He looked at Lily expectantly, waiting for an answer to his question. She hadn't expected the issue of not trusting him to come up so early, she had hoped for more time to decide whether he was telling the truth. She could tell him straight that they suspected him of being a Death Eater and, if he wasn't, hope that he'd understand. Or she could just tell him. It wasn't exactly a secret that Voldemort was after Harry, and she couldn't think of a way it would harm them if Voldemort found out they were staying hidden because he probably could have worked that out for himself by now.

Still, it was better to be safe than sorry.

"How do we know we can trust you?" Lily said the words as politely as possible, but they still came out sounding accusatory. "I don't even know you, you just came here claiming to be related to me."

Lily was shocked to see that Seth was smiling. She certainly wouldn't have been if someone had spoke to her like that.

"It's a good thing I came prepared for this, isn't it?" He reached down into a bag he had brought with him and pulled out a handful of official looking papers. Seth passed them across the table to Lily who picked them up.

The paper on top was a birth certificate. Lily flicked through them, with Remus leaning over to look as well. There were adoption papers, a new Muggle American passport, and even an acceptance letter for W.I.G..

"Wig?" said Remus.

"Wizarding Institute of Georgia. In America they have an institute of magic in every state, the country is so big it wouldn't make sense to have one main one like you do."

Lily looked through the rest of the papers. Her mother's maiden name, Sylvia Prichard, was written in small slanted handwriting on the birth certificate. There was no father's name. Lily stared at it, still not really believing it to be true. Yet, all the evidence proved that it  _was_  true. The documents all looked genuine enough, but Lily supposed that if they hadn't been then Dumbledore would have known straight away that he wasn't for real. It was simple enough to forge them with magic, though – Lily had said it herself in the basement of Grimmauld Place. The real issue was determining whether everything fit together.

It did, of a sort.

Her mother was born in the late nineteen-twenties. It had been socially unacceptable to have a baby out of wedlock in the forties when she would have been a teenager, so if it had happened then, giving the child up for adoption would have been the only option. If she had wanted to keep it a secret then it also explained why Lily didn't know about it.

What Lily really wanted was to be able to get Remus' opinion. There was no way she could do that with Seth right in front of them; she was just going to have to decide on her own.

"Does anyone want a drink?" Remus asked out of the blue.

"Yes, okay," said Seth, while Lily nodded.

"Great, is butterbeer alright for you? Come on, Lily, I'll need your help carrying the drinks over here."

It was as if Remus had read her mind because he certainly wouldn't have needed help carrying three drinks. Lily got up and walked over to the bar with him.

Once they were out of earshot, Remus spoke.

"What do you think?"

"I don't know… everything looks real enough, and it makes sense."

"He could still be a Death Eater, though – three butterbeers, please, Tom."

The old barman shuffled away to get the bottles.

"Should I tell him? That Voldemort's after Harry?"

"Can't see why not, you're not telling him where we're hiding. I think even Voldemort might have worked out that we know he's after Harry."

"That's fifteen sickles."

Remus frowned and put his hand in his pocket to get the money.

"That's expensive for three bottles, Tom," said Lily.

"I'm losing customers at an hourly rate. The prices need to go up so I can stay in business."

Remus was still searching for the right amount of money.

"It's alright, Remus, I've got it."

She put a hand into her pocket and pulled out a Galleon and gave it to Tom. Lily thought she heard Remus mutter "thanks" as Tom gave her the change and she grabbed two of the bottles.

"You reckon I should just tell him?" asked Lily, as they made their way back to the table.

"It'd be rude not to now."

"Not really, I've just bought him a drink. That sort of evens it out."

"So every time someone doesn't answer a question they have to buy everyone else a drink?"

"Sure, why not?" Lily joked.

"It sounds like a bad drinking game." Remus grinned. "One that Sirius would come up with."

They had reached the table now. Lily placed one of the bottles in front of Seth and sat back down in her chair.

"Thank you," he said, taking a swig. "Have you finished deciding whether I'm trustworthy or not?" Seth laughed.

Silence descended upon them while they drank. Lily took a few sips and then, making her mind up, set the bottle firmly back on the table.

"Do you know who Voldemort is?" she asked Seth. He flinched slightly at the name and looked surprised at the sudden turn of the conversation.

"I-I think so. He's the guy who's trying to get rid of Muggle-borns over here, right?"

"Yes, we're in hiding from him. He's the one who murdered my husband and is determined to kill my son."

"That seems a bit… extreme. How old is your son?"

"Nearly sixteen months."

Seth frowned.

"Why does he want to kill him then? Your son's not Muggle-born, and I can't see how a baby could offend him."

"No idea," said Lily. That wasn't strictly true: they knew about the prophecy, just not the reason why Voldemort chose Harry over Neville. Lily had decided to trust Seth for now, but even that didn't mean she would tell him about the prophecy – Dumbledore had told people on a need-to-know basis and Seth did not need to know. Most members of the Order didn't even know.

"So this… madman… is after your son, who can barely talk, for no reason? I don't blame you for going into hiding. I suppose it's too much to ask where you're hiding?" Seth laughed, but Lily didn't find it funny. She smiled tightly.

"Yes, it would. And we couldn't tell you if we wanted." Lily decided that is time to try to find out more about Seth, before he started asking more questions that she couldn't answer. "So, how did you find me?"

Seth explained how he'd always known that he was adopted, but had never felt the need to try to find out about his biological parents until his adoptive ones had died. He had his birth certificate with his mother's name on, so had come to England to find out whether she was still alive. It had taken him a few months of constant searching, but eventually he had come across the marriage certificate of Sylvia Prichard and Kenneth Evans. After that, he found their death certificates, but also their names as parents on two birth certificates.

"I thought that if my mother had managed to have one magical child, it was possible that one of the daughters was as well. I probably wouldn't have gotten in contact if you'd both been Muggles, what with the Statute of Secrecy. But I went through some Ministry records and found you as Head Girl at Hogwarts. There wasn't anything else, and it seemed that I might be able to find out some more information from the headmaster, so I did. I think you know the rest," Seth finished.

"Wow, it must have been hard work looking through all the old records," said Lily.

"Yes, it got quite tedious after a while, doing the same thing day after day. I'm glad it's over. I do have questions, actually, that you might have the answers to. Your – our – sister, Petunia, is she –?"

"She's not a witch."

"Oh right. I suppose having three muggle-borns children would be against the odds. Did you tell her about me?"

"I didn't think it would be a good idea to tell her before I met you first. She can be quite… jealous. Having one magical sibling sent her nearly to the edge, having another might just push her over."

"She's suicidal?" Seth looked shocked.

"Oh, no, I didn't mean it like that. She stopped speaking to me when I got my Hogwarts letter and has only just started again."

"Ah, I probably wouldn't get a welcome reception if I visited her then?"

"Probably not."

"Are you going to tell her?"

"I – I don't know… Yes, I should. Even if she might not want to see you, she should know."

Lily took a sip of her butterbeer. The story had made sense – there had been no obvious contradictions, but they would only have uncovered an amateur liar. A Death Eater would be under Voldemort's orders and would have a proper story to tell that wouldn't be found to be false just by waiting for it to contradict itself. She glanced at Remus, who gave her a non-committal jerk of his head. Seth appeared to have noticed this.

"You still don't think you can trust me, do you? I know you're in the middle of a war, and anyone could be a spy, but you go to an extreme with not trusting people." He wasn't judging them for doing it, just stating a fact.

"It was one of my husband's best friends who betrayed us and told Voldemort where we were hiding."

Lily's words stunned Seth into silence.

"That… that's a very good reason not to trust people."

"It is, isn't it?"

The conversation turned to more pleasant topics after that and Seth's friendly nature came out in abundance. He asked about their mother, what she had looked like and how she had been as a mum. He asked much more about Lily, which she found odd, as she would have wanted to know as much about her mother, had she been in his shoes. She shook it off, thinking that he probably didn't want to live in the past too much and was more concerned with the present, and any living family he had rather than those that were dead. Lily grew more comfortable in Seth's presence the longer they talked and happily answered his questions.

At one point, Seth started inquiring about Remus' life. Remus didn't seem comfortable with this and Lily didn't blame him. He quickly diverted the conversation back to something more general and Seth seemed to get the hint, as he didn't try to find out more about Remus again.

It was nearly six o'clock when Lily checked her watch and realised that they should be going soon. She pointed this out to Remus and he agreed; Sirius always complained when dinner wasn't ready for him when he got home – in some ways it was like having two children to look after.

"It's been nice meeting you," Lily said, shaking Seth's hand.

"Thank you for meeting with me. It was good to meet you too, Remus."

"No problem," said Remus. They shook hands.

Lily was just going to say "goodbye" and then leave, but changed her mind. During their talk, she had warmed to Seth and, on the spur of the moment, decided that she could trust him.

"You can owl me. I'm sure the owl could get through the Fidelius Charm. We could meet up again, if you'd like."

"That would be great. Goodbye."

"'Bye."

Lily and Remus headed over to the fireplace where they could Floo back to Grimmauld Place. Seth had a point, that they were too unwilling to trust new people. Not everyone was a Death Eater trying to kill her and Harry. Sometimes Lily was just going to have to go with her instincts on who was trustworthy and who was not.

It was just unfortunate that there were some people, like Severus and Peter, that her instinct had been wrong about in the past.


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

An owl from Seth arrived four days after Lily had met with him. In it, he thanked her, once again, for meeting with him and had gone on to ask how everyone was. Sirius eyed the letter suspiciously when Lily brought it down to read at breakfast and refused to let her reply to it until he had read it.

"Let me see it." Sirius reached across the table for the letter but Lily held it out of his reach.

"Why do you want it so badly? There's nothing to read."

"Yes there is, there's words on it."

"Okay, there's nothing  _important_  to read."

"I haven't met this guy, I want to know if he's what he says he is."

"And he's likely to write, "by the way, I'm a Death Eater in disguise" in a letter to me?"

"Death Eater's don't think the same way we do." Sirius grinned.

"It's addressed to me, making it a private letter that shouldn't be read by annoying Godfathers if they don't want their Godfather status revoked."

Sirius' face fell. The conversation had moved on from being serious to a joke, but the sight of Sirius after Lily had made the mock threat made it clear that, even though he had been joking as well, he was taking it seriously now.

"You wouldn't do that, would you?" Sirius stared at Lily, and she had to work hard to keep a straight face. His grey eyes had widened and his mouth opened in horror. It looked like he was silently begging her to reassure him that she wouldn't change her mind on who should be Harry's Godfather.

"Hmm, well, I might let you off this time…" Lily said, putting on an act of having to think about it. Lily waited, watching Sirius' face as he grew more and more desperate. Finally, he looked as if he was likely to break down in tears. "Fine, you're forgiven. You might not be so lucky next time."

Sirius relaxed and a grin spread across his face.

"Did you hear that, Harry? I'm still allowed to be your Godfather, even when I annoy mummy."

Harry giggled in his high chair, although that might have had less to do with what Sirius had said and more to do with what looked like tribal designs painted on his face in yoghurt with bits of fruit in it. Lily sighed and rolled her eyes.

" _Evanesco_ ," she muttered, pointing her wand at Harry's face. The mess immediately disappeared. Lily picked up one of the pieces of fruit that hadn't been eaten yet and dipped it in the yoghurt. "You have to eat it like this, not spread it all over your face. Open up."

Lily started feeding Harry the rest of his breakfast. She had almost finished when Sirius made a sudden move across the table from her. Or, rather, she had thought he was across the table from her. Apparently, Sirius had been slowly shuffling his chair around the table while she had been distracted. Lily reacted just in time, grabbing Seth's letter before Sirius could. Sirius swore.

"Sirius! Not in front of Harry!"

"Why won't you let me read the letter?" He almost shouted, exasperated.

"What's going on?"

Remus was halfway down the stairs, looking into the kitchen.

"Seth sent a letter," said Lily. She waved it in the air so he could see it. "Do you want to read it?"

"Hey!" Sirius actually did shout this time. "How come he gets to read it?"

"Because Remus didn't make a big deal about wanting to read it." Lily stuck her tongue out at Sirius and passed the letter to Remus when he sat down. He read it quickly and gave it back to Lily.

"Why do you want to read it?" Remus asked Sirius.

"She wouldn't let me, so I-" Sirius started.

"Lily didn't let you, so that made you want to read it more?" said Remus, shrewdly. "Merlin's beard…"

"Oh, shut up, I knew you wouldn't understand," Sirius grumbled, more annoyed that he still hadn't read the letter than because Remus had called him out on why he wanted to. "I've got to go anyway. See you later."

He stood up and went up the stairs. He must have been making quite a lot of noise, because his mother's portrait started shouting. It didn't stop; Lily assumed that Sirius had chosen to ignore it before going out.

"Oops," Lily said, "I think I put him in a bad mood."

"It won't last, he'll get so fed up at Petunia's that he'll be grateful to come back here."

"Right." Lily still felt guilty. She grabbed the quill, ink and parchment that Sirius had been keeping from her and started writing a reply to Seth's letter, with the shouts of Walburga Black in the background. She answered his query about her well-being and then stopped, quill posed to carry on writing but not sure what to write.

"What's the matter?" asked Remus, his mouth full of egg.

"Should I tell him what Petunia said?"

As she had promised, Lily had told Petunia about Seth, or rather, Lily had told Sirius to tell Petunia. She would have preferred to go herself, however Remus and Sirius had convinced her not to, as it wouldn't be a good idea to be seen in public twice in a week. Thinking back, it probably would have been wiser to write it in a letter than to get Sirius to tell her, but the damage was done now. Lily didn't know exactly what Sirius had told Petunia; all she knew was that Petunia's reply had not been pleasant and Lily was sure that if Petunia had been able to send a Howler, then she would have done.

"I'd put it a bit more politely than how Sirius conveyed the message, whether that was what Petunia really said or not."

Lily put quill to parchment again. She wasn't sure that she did a good job of rewording "I don't want anything to do with him so tell him to stay away from my family – we've had enough trouble with one of you lot in the family and we don't need another" to make it more polite. She did her best, rereading the letter once she had finished. It read okay – Petunia's reaction was squashed in between the paragraphs telling him how they all were and asking him if he was enjoying his stay in England. Lily had just sealed it with her wand when a beeping noise started behind her.

"What's that?" asked Remus, searching the room with his eyes for the source.

"Just your potion. I set an Alarm charm so I knew when to add the rest of the ingredients." Lily waved her wand at the cauldron that was simmering in the fireplace and the beeping stopped. She went over to inspect the cauldron.

"An Alarm Charm?"

"Hmm." Lily felt her face going red. It wasn't particularly embarrassing, just that she tended to avoid talking to anyone about her friendship with Severus. She added a few drops of hellebore to the Wolfsbane potion, which caused it to change colour from purple to blood red.

"Where did you find that?"

More hellebore was added. "Severus discovered it."

Remus laughed. "That's why you've gone bright red. I did know that you used to be friends with him, you don't have to pretend you weren't."

Lily shrugged, not taking her eyes off the potion. "I feel awkward talking about him to you and Sirius, you hated each other."

"Well… he was a nosy git, trying to find out what I was up to so he could get me in trouble. I wouldn't say I hated him, though."

Lily Summoned a chair and set to stirring the potion. Remus watched her for a while, and then started entertaining Harry by shooting different coloured sparks out of his wand. Lily was slightly surprised by this: Remus and Sirius had taken to immediately hurrying out of the room whenever she started to work on the Wolfsbane potion and they refused to tell her what they were doing. She supposed that she shouldn't be too surprised that Remus stayed now, though – it was only when him and Sirius were in the house that they sneaked off to talk about things that Lily could only take wild guesses at.

It wasn't hard working stirring the potion, so Lily let her mind wander for ten minutes. A thought that she had meant to ask Remus floated to the forefront of her mind.

"I've been thinking…" Lily started. Remus glanced at her quickly to show that he was paying attention before turning back to Harry.

"Yes?"

"You said the potion makes you keep your mind at the full moon?"

"Yes," said Remus, slowly. Lily could tell he had no idea where she was going with this.

"I just thought, maybe – I mean, this place is so big, and it's not really safe out there – you'd be able to –"

Remus turned to look at Lily properly. His face had paled and his eyes were bulging, making him look quite mad.

"Absolutely not! No - no way - you don't understand – I don't –" Remus took a deep breath, but he still looked tense afterwards. He had raised his left hand to cover his face, preventing Lily from seeing him properly. When he spoke again his voice was less panicked. "I was fine last time, I was on my own. I don't know – if I could smell you – I might be less… fine."

Remus lowered his hand, revealing his face. He looked terrified at the notion of what he thought would happen. Lily quickly backtracked.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean – it was just a thought. I didn't mean –" Lily stopped speaking at the sight of Remus shaking his head mutely. "I'm sorry," she said simply.

After that, Lily concentrated on making the potion. It didn't take much longer to finish the morning's preparation, and she did so in silence. When it was done for the time being, she put away the ingredients and looked towards Remus nervously. He had gone back to playing with Harry and showed no signs of still being angry about what Lily had said, but she still felt a bit awkward. Maybe it had something to do with making both him and Sirius angry in the space of about half an hour.

She was still standing when Remus glanced her way and saw her shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

"Have you finished for now?" He asked.

"Yes. Do you want to start cleaning?"

"Not really," said Remus, grimacing. "I never planned to have learnt how to do this amount of household spells before I was thirty, never mind twenty-two."

"It might come in useful, what if you marry someone who can't do household spells to save her life?" Lily joked. Remus' lips twitched in an almost smile and Lily knew what he was thinking. All of them, at some point, had had many arguments with him whenever he had said that he'd never find anyone willing to stay with him after they found out he was a werewolf. This had often been met with outcries that they had all stayed friends with him and there was no reason why nobody else would as well. In fact, Remus had usually lost those arguments and had learnt not to speak his thoughts when it came up, but that didn't stop them showing on his face. However, this time he decided to humour Lily.

"Okay, so this imaginary wife of mine can't do basic household spells, is there anything else you know about her?"

"Yes," Lily said, thinking quickly, "she has pink hair and is an Auror."

"Pink hair?" snorted Remus. "Right, if you say so. Let's start some more cleaning, then. I don't think I could sit here and listen to you describing my make-believe wife in more detail."

They had managed to finish the drawing room the previous day, so Lily and Remus began cleaning the first floor bedroom. There wasn't much in it, dangerous or normal, and they managed to completely empty it of Black family heirlooms by the time Sirius came home.

Remus had predicted correctly that Sirius' bad mood wouldn't be aimed at Lily. Sirius complained about having to guard Petunia the entire time Remus was preparing dinner, though as this happened most evenings, Lily had had plenty of practice ignoring what he was saying and only looking like she was listening.

"Lily. Lily? Hello?" Sirius waved a hand in front of her face. Lily blinked several times and looked at him.

"Yes?"

"You weren't listening to me." Sirius sounded genuinely upset.

"I'm sorry, I zoned out. What were you saying?"

"If you're not going to listen in the first place I won't bother repeating myself," he said in a near-perfect imitation of Minerva McGonagall.

"I'm sorry, it won't happen again. Tell me what you said."

"I asked if you wanted us to make notes on the meeting tonight so you'd know what went on."

"Sure, I – hang on, why is it me who's not going?"

"You have to make the Wolfsbane tonight."

"Oh, yeah. Okay, notes would be nice. I'll have something to read before I go to bed."

"You don't think anything important will have happened?" Remus asked from the counter.

"If there was anything that important then Dumbledore would have called an emergency meeting. It'll just be people giving reports."

Remus served the food then, and the conversation was cut off by the scraping of knives and forks. After the plates had been emptied, they were sent to the sink to wash themselves and Remus and Sirius left to go to the meeting.

Lily was left with Harry. She played with him for a while until it was time for him to go to bed. It didn't take her long to do what was needed to be done to the Wolfsbane potion, which meant Lily had nothing to do but to wait for Remus and Sirius to come home.

She checked the clock in the parlour. The meetings usually finished after nine o'clock, maybe half past if a lot of people had things to say. It was quarter to ten now. Lily waited for them to return, shifting through her thoughts to find one that would interest her. Eventually, she landed on why Remus and Sirius kept sneaking off to talk in another room while Lily made the potion.

It was unlike them to not include her in some sort of plan, and what exactly could they be up to? There wasn't much you could do when you were stuck inside for the majority of the time. Lily's heart sank – what if they were planning to do something reckless, possibly involving an attack on some Death Eaters? Remus didn't typically go along with Sirius' plans so it couldn't be too dangerous, unless Sirius had managed to persuade him that whatever it was, it was necessary.

Lily sat up, waiting, for another hour. In that time, her guesses on what the two of them were planning together grew more and more unlikely and they still hadn't come back when Lily finally gave up and went to bed.


	23. Chapter Twenty Three

Remus and Sirius refused to tell Lily why they had been so late getting back when she asked them the next morning, only giving her a vague answer of "we got talking and lost track of time." Naturally, this gave Lily the opportunity to tease them about how they always complained when she was talking and that it was rubbing off on them. When she asked what they had been talking about for nearly three hours, they shrugged their shoulders and didn't answer any more questions on the subject.

Their suspicious behaviour continued for the rest of the week that Lily was brewing the Wolfsbane potion, and after that it stopped. Remus and Sirius didn't try to carry on sneaking off when Lily wasn't preoccupied with the potion, which made Lily hope that, whatever they had been planning, they had given up on it.

As it turned out, they hadn't given up.

She woke up, a few days after the full moon, to hear voices whispering outside her bedroom door.

"Have you got – ssh, Harry – have you got everything?"

"Yes, there wasn't really much for me to forget."

"Okay, so once we go in there –"

"Sirius, we've been over this a million times, and it's not the most complicated plan in the world."

"Right, well we need to set everything up quickly before she wakes up."

"What if she's already awake?"

"She's never up this early."

"We've been standing out here for about five minutes now, we could have woken her up."

The bedroom door creaked as it opened, and Sirius' head appeared. Lily waved at him.

"Damn. Hi, Lily."

"Morning, Sirius. Is there something you wanted me for?"

"No, we just – oh, forget it. Happy birthday."

Sirius traipsed into the room carrying Harry, followed by Remus, who was carrying a small pile of parcels.

"Happy birthday."

"Thanks." Lily sat up, looking closer at the parcels Remus was carrying. "Are those fireworks supposed to be presents as well?"

"We were going to set them off so the room was full of stars when you woke up."

The bedsprings groaned as Remus and Sirius sat down on the edge of the bed. Harry strained to get out of Sirius' grip, so Sirius let him go and he crawled over to Lily. She picked him up and sat him on her lap.

"Are you going to wish me a happy birthday too?"

"Ha ber-ay."

"Close enough." Lily kissed him on the top of his head.

Sirius set off the fireworks anyway and Lily opened her presents with the stars showering down on them. There were no terrible romance novels from Sirius this time (Lily had only read the first chapter of [I]Vulpecula's Vengeance[/I] before giving up on it and hiding it under the bed), instead he had got her some new dress robes and Remus gave her an earrings and necklace set. A small parcel from Petunia turned out to be a compact mirror. Lily opened it and grimaced.

"Ugh, my hair's a mess," she said, combing it with her fingers.

"I never understand why girls say that, it happens every morning and yet you never seem to get used to it."

"Shut up, Sirius."

"Shutting." He grinned.

Lily turned her attention to the small pile of envelopes that she had ignored before opening her presents. There were only five: one from Harry, Remus, Sirius, Petunia and one that Lily hadn't been expecting, but she recognised the cramped handwriting as being Seth's. She was confused as to how he knew it was her birthday, seeing as she had never told him, until she read what was written inside the card:

[I]To Lily

Happy Birthday

Seth

(You're probably wondering how I knew it was your birthday, but I found it when I was going through the old records trying to find out more about you.)[/I]

"Is that one off Seth?" Remus asked, nodding at the birthday card in Lily's hand.

"Yes, he says he found out my birthday when he was searching through the old records."

Sirius raised his hand as if he was at school and was going to answer a question; something that Lily had no memory of him ever doing at school.

"Sirius?"

He put his hand down. "Can I say I still don't trust this guy?"

Lily sighed. Every time she had received a letter off Seth in the past two weeks, Sirius had started muttering that he wasn't trustworthy. At first it had just been mildly irritating, but now it had got to the point where Lily had to grit her teeth to stop herself from shouting at him.

"You've never even met him, Sirius," Lily said through clenched teeth. "You only don't trust him because you don't know him."

"And you do? You've known him less than a month."

"You don't have to know everything about someone in order to trust them."

Sirius was about to argue back when Remus interrupted him.

"Sirius, for once in your life, just drop it."

"You're not actually sticking up for him?" Sirius turned to look at Remus, slightly shocked at the interruption.

"No, I'm saying stop arguing. If you want to meet him so badly then you can arrange something with him, instead of complaining. Plus, it's Lily's birthday, you're supposed to do what she says."

"We were eleven when we made that rule – I only did it so I could boss the rest of you around all day."

"And we only went along with it because we thought you'd get the rest of your family on us. That doesn't stop it being one of those things that we do know, sort of like how you always used to try to prank me when I was revising."

"You'd have died of boredom if you'd actually been concentrating on those books and not trying to guess what was going to turn into some sort of animal each time."

"That's very true, who could forget the time my quill turned into a jarvey and started swearing at McGonagall when she came into the common room to speak to you about a mysterious shampoo bottle that was following Snape around. How many weeks detention was that again?"

"It was revision classes with her three times a week until the exam. No wonder I got an O in that O.W.L."

"You did try your best to fail it, though."

Lily amused herself, listening to Remus and Sirius' banter. They really did sound like bickering siblings a lot of the time, the way they constantly made fun of each other as if it was as natural as breathing. It was times like this when Lily felt the most distant from them; even though she had been constantly around them since she was eleven, by the time she had actually started to get to know them during seventh year, they had so many in-jokes and had done so much together that it was impossible to replicate the camaraderie they had together. Even now, when Lily was the closest to the two of them than she had ever been, all she could do was listen to what they were saying with a smile on her face, having no place in their memory.

Lily continued listening whilst holding onto Harry, who was attempting to grab at the discarded wrapping paper still lying on the bed. It was only when her stomach started growling that she decided it was time to get out of bed. She pushed away the duvet with a groan.

"What are you doing?"

Remus and Sirius had stopped their conversation and turned to look at Lily, both looking confused.

"I'm hungry, I'm going downstairs to get breakfast. I am allowed to, right?"

"Oh, we already made breakfast," Sirius said. "Kreacher!"

There was a [I]crack[/I] and the aging house elf appeared, carrying a large breakfast tray over his head and mouthing obscenities. Kreacher placed it on the bed and vanished with another loud [I]crack[/I].

"How long did you take you to make all of this?" Lily asked, shocked. The tray was piled high with every sort of breakfast food they had: stacks of toast, boxes of cereal, plates filled with bacon and sausages. It almost rivalled the breakfasts at Hogwarts in variety.

"It didn't take too long, there were three of us making it," said Sirius, picking up a fork and stabbing a sausage with it.

"Three?"

"Kreacher helped. Didn't help much, but he did some stuff, I think."

"You let him slice the bread, because you said you hoped he would slice his fingers off with it, remember?" Remus said, helping himself to a slice of toast.

Surprisingly, between the four of them they managed to eat the majority of the food. Sirius had to leave after that, and Lily went to have a bath that he and Remus had already prepared for her. She took her time, relaxing in the warm water (it had had a warming charm put on it) until her skin started to look prune-like and, deciding that it was going to be a lazy day, put on an old pair of jeans and t-shirt. She left her hair to dry on its own and went downstairs to the parlour where Remus was trying to make Harry sit still long enough for him to read him a book.

The day was a quiet one. It was a given that no cleaning of the house would be done and none was. Instead, Lily and Remus spent the day lounging on the chairs in the parlour, charming small objects to run around on the floor so Harry could chase them. This carried on after dinner when Sirius came home, who joined in enthusiastically, charming glasses in between mouthfuls of food that had been saved for him. In fact, they were all having so much fun doing it that Lily had to be reminded when it was Harry's bedtime.

When Lily went back downstairs, the house was eerily quiet. Someone had Stunned Walberga Black's portrait, even though Lily hadn't heard her start shouting.

"Remus? Sirius?" she called, nervously. There was no sign of anyone, and no voices coming from the parlour where she had left Remus and Sirius barely half an hour ago. She pushed open the door, not sure what she was expecting to see – dead bodies on the floor, the room packed with Death Eaters…

"SURPRISE!"

The loud shouts made Lily jump in shock. The room was packed, not with Death Eaters but Order members, even Dumbledore and Minerva were there. Sirius stood at the front of the crowd, with a massive grin on his face and looking immensely proud of himself.

"Happy birthday," he said, waving.

"Sirius! You could have told me! I'm just wearing jeans, and my hair's a mess."

"If I'd told you it wouldn't have been a surprise party, would it?"

The crowd descended on her, then, and Lily didn't have time to argue with Sirius. "Happy birthdays" were coming at her from all sides, forcing presents into her arms and Lily barely had time to recognise each of the faces. Once the initial welcome was over, she rushed upstairs to change into the robes and put on the jewellery that Sirius and Remus had bought her. Lily had thought them odd presents at first, but now understood why they had got them for her.

She hurried back downstairs and when she entered the parlour for the second time she saw that someone had got drinks out and put the radio on. Remus saw her come in and passed her a glass of wine, which she accepted gratefully; the shock of having everyone there and rushing around had made Lily tense and she instantly calmed down when she took a sip. Lily fixed her face into a smile and walked over to Frank and Alice who were stood by the window.

"Happy birthday," Alice said as Lily neared them. "I like your robes."

"Thanks, Sirius got them for me. Who's looking after Neville?"

"My mother," answered Frank. "Poor boy, all she ever goes on about is how there must be something wrong with him because he's not doing magic yet. She won't be feeding him just to see if he'll Summon his food. Harry's been doing magic for a while now, hasn't he?"

"Yes, don't remind me," Lily laughed. "He managed to make the cutlery tap dance across the table yesterday. It took us forever to get them all back."

After a couple of minutes talking to Frank and Alice, Lily moved on and she slowly made her way round the room, stopping to talk to everyone. It took her over an hour to finish talking to everyone and she spotted Remus sat on the sofa. Lily went to join him.

"Have you seen Sirius?" Lily asked.

"You haven't?" Remus said, sounding shocked. "He's in the corner."

Lily looked over to the corner, and she didn't know how she had missed Sirius stood there. Although, she supposed that she had been looking for Sirius as she knew him, for now he had a curly ginger moustache and a goatee to match. Lily wasn't surprised to see an empty glass of wine in his hand.

"Have you taken a picture?"

"No," said Remus.

"Why not?" Lily grabbed a camera that someone had left on the coffee table, pointed it at Sirius in the corner and took the photograph. "He's going to regret that in the morning."

"I don't know, it is Sirius. He'd probably frame it"

Lily sat and watched Sirius for a while. She wasn't the only one; the majority of people had now stopped their conversations and turned to watch him as he did more and more bizarre things to his appearance. Lily made it her job to take a photograph of each one so they had a record of it to show him in the morning, or any prospective girlfriend of his in the future.

Sirius continued to make a fool of himself for the rest of the night, not just changing his appearance but flirting with everyone (even the men) and trying to make people dance with him, which was one of the most dangerous things anyone could ever do. Despite this, no one left until well past midnight. The first to leave were the Hogwarts lot: Dumbledore, Minerva and Hagrid, who had to go back to the school.

Everybody else stayed for a long time after, happy for the chance to enjoy themselves and momentarily forget that there was someone out there who would quite cheerfully kill them all.


	24. Chapter Twenty Four

The next few days passed quickly, with nothing more exciting happening than Lily going down to breakfast one day to find Sirius hurriedly scribbling on a piece of parchment and an owl perched on the edge of the empty cauldron in the fireplace.

"Morning, Sirius." Lily said, walking over to the owl and placing Harry in his high chair on the way.

Sirius barely looked up at her.

"Morning. What are you doing?"

"It's Seth's owl, it'll have a letter for me."

"Oh, your letter's here." Sirius waved a piece of parchment at her and went back to writing. Lily froze, frowning.

"I know you don't like him, but there's no need to read my letters for me," Lily said, struggling to keep her voice steady. It wouldn't be a good idea to start shouting this early in the morning. Sirius looked up at her properly, obviously sensing her anger anyway.

"I haven't read it, but it's nice to know you always think the best of me. I thought I'd be nice and get it for you when I was getting my letter so the stupid bird wouldn't attack you."

From the other side of the kitchen, the owl hooted angrily. Sirius snarled at it in response.

"Why has Seth written to you?" Lily's surprise banishing her anger, and she pulled out a chair to sit down on. "And Quince never attacks me."

"It probably just doesn't like me. You know the other day when Moony suggested I should actually meet him if I want to complain? Well, I thought it was a good idea so when I took your letter to the post office I added one I wrote."

"And you're going to meet him?"

"Yeah, Friday evening once I'm finished at Petunia's."

"No."

"Excuse me?" Sirius raised his eyebrows. "I'm a big boy now, I don't need your permission."

"You're not going on your own, you'll –"

"I'm not going to curse him at the first chance I get and force-feed him Veritaserum, if that's what you're worried about."

"It's worrying that you didn't even have to think about that."

"And you worry too much. On your birthday, when you came downstairs and it was completely silent, what did you think had happened?"

Lily felt her face grow hot, knowing that the truth proved Sirius' point. He noticed.

"Go on, what was it? Me and Moony had been kidnapped, had we? Or had the Death Eaters managed to get in and subdue us without you hearing? You know that it wouldn't be easy for them to do that, for quite a number of reasons."

Still feeling her face burning, Lily mumbled, " Death Eaters were going to ambush me."

Sirius laughed. It wasn't a cruel laugh; just one that told Lily that Sirius thought she worried for no reason.

"How can you laugh at me for worrying when you won't even trust him?" Lily asked, affronted.

"There's a difference between unnecessary worrying and not trusting someone."

"Yes, but you not trusting him leads to you unnecessarily worrying about what will happen, when Remus and I know he's perfectly trustable."

"Is trustable a word? It doesn't sound right."

"I don't know, I think I just made it up."

"Maybe we should ask Moony."

"Ask Moony what?" A voice said from the stairs, and a moment later Remus appeared. "What are you going to ask me?"

"Is trustable a word?" said Sirius. Remus looked baffled.

"How am I supposed to know that? I'm not a walking dictionary."

"You always know stuff like that."

" _You_  always make me sound more boring than I actually am. I don't read dictionaries for fun."

"I tried to do that once," Lily confessed. Remus and Sirius stared at her. "Petunia dared me to, but it got boring so I skipped to 'Z' and told her I'd finished."

Remus and Sirius didn't say anything in reply to this. Instead, Sirius twisted round to speak to Remus who had sat down.

"Do you think there's anything wrong with me going to see this Seth guy on my own?"

"No, of course not," Remus started slowly. Lily was about to argue her point but Remus carried on, "Especially if Lily wants him dead."

Lily laughed; Sirius scowled.

"Fine! Come if you want, just know that you'll be leaving Harry with Remus and he's the worst babysitter ever."

And that was why Lily could be found, two days later, sat in The Leaky Cauldron with Sirius. Despite Sirius' teasing that Remus was a terrible babysitter, she had left Harry with him. Lily was remarkably more relaxed than she had been the first time she had been waiting for Seth; she was looking around the room mostly out of curiosity, with only a part of her on the look out for Death Eaters. Sirius, on the other hand, was sat straight up, tense, with his eyes flickering between the door to the Muggle street and the fireplace.

"What would you do," Lily began, "if he came in from Diagon Alley?"

Sirius immediately spun his head round so he could see the back door.

"You're just as bad as me," Lily said, picking at her fingernails. Sirius glared at her out of the corner of his eye as he slowly turned back to look at the fireplace.

"No I'm not, I'm just being on my guard. Something you don't seem to have grasped."

"We're in the middle of a pub, Death Eaters aren't likely to attack here. I understand the need for us to be cautious but no one's going to try and attack us when there's plenty of witnesses and a good chance they'll be outnumbered."

He didn't answer, slowly scanning the room with narrowed eyes. A gust of cold wind blew through the room making them both shiver and Lily looked up in time to see the door swing close. A large group had entered and were making their way to the bar. On their way, a tall blonde man walking behind them waved and started walking towards the table Lily and Sirius were sat at.

"Hello, Lily," Seth said when he reached the table. He held out his hand to Sirius. "You must be Sirius."

Lily watched with baited breath as Sirius shook Seth's hand, expecting him to turn hostile any second now.

"Yeah, it's good to finally meet you."

"And the same to you. I must admit, I was glad when you contacted me asking to meet. Lily's told me a lot about you." Seth pulled out a chair and sat down.

"She has?" Sirius turned to look at Lily with one eyebrow raised.

"Oh, yes. Nothing too terrible." Seth flashed them a quick grin. "Although I'm intrigued as to why you wanted to meet me."

"You didn't say?" Lily asked Sirius, not altogether surprised by this. "This should be fun. Go on, Sirius. Why did you want to meet Seth?"

Sirius shot her an annoyed look, but spoke without hesitation.

"I don't trust you. You come out of nowhere from some distant country and expect me to believe anything you tell me. I'm not buying it."

It wasn't accusatory, just Sirius stating his opinion. He stared straight into Seth's eyes as he spoke.

"You think I'm a Death Eater." Seth's cheerful mood had abruptly disappeared and had been replaced by a professional one.

"I think Voldemort's been surprisingly quiet recently. Very few disappearances and deaths compared to a few months ago. He isn't the type of person who just gives up on something if he fails the first time so it makes sense if he's focusing his efforts on some other plan."

Seth had winced at Voldemort's name, but apart from that he kept calm.

"Of course, if you aren't a Death Eater then he's keeping quiet and concentrating on something else anyway, which gives us reason to be on our guard anyway. Either way, there's reason for us not to trust every person who claims to be a relative."

"Sirius," Lily warned, stopping him before he said something that she wouldn't forgive him for.

"It's okay, Lily," said Seth. He didn't take his eyes off Sirius. "There's nothing I can do or say that will make you instantly trust me, is there? Because there will always be a way for you to turn it against me."

"I'm glad you worked that out so quickly."

"And without anything that will change your mind you have to go with your instinct. So I have to ask, with your instinct set so firmly against me, what were you hoping to get from meeting me today?"

Sirius paused before answering. Lily could almost hear his brain working as he decided what to say. Before he spoke, Sirius leaned forwards, resting his elbows on the table between him and Seth

"I want to be able to trust you. Lily trusts you, and Remus and Dumbledore can't see any reason why you shouldn't be trustworthy. It's a lot easier to get the measure of someone when you're face to face. People can hide in letters."

"I see. You hope that going against your instincts will prove them wrong."

"Something like that."

"Well, then I hope I'll be able to change your mind." Seth smiled and the tension disappeared; Lily felt as if she could breath properly again. "Would you like me to get us all drinks?"

Lily and Sirius agreed to this and Seth went to the bar.

"I'm surprised, " Lily said once she was certain that Seth was out of earshot, "are you sure he won't spike the drinks?"

"I didn't hex him, did I?" said Sirius. He wasn't looking at her but watching Seth get the drinks. Lily watched too.

"No, I'm surprised at that as well. You nearly murdered him with words, though I shouldn't have expected you to be any less hostile."

"Why are you so offended?" Sirius sounded genuinely shocked that she was.

"He's my brother! He's Harry's uncle –"

"Half-uncle," muttered Sirius.

"Oh, so all blood relatives are worthless are they?"

"No, I like Andromeda. She's always been my favourite cousin."

"And the rest?"

"They're not worthless because I'm related to them, they're worthless because they're Death Eater scum. Which brings us back to Seth."

"For crying out loud…"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I'm doing my best to like him."

Nevertheless, Sirius' eyes still followed Seth as he came back with the drinks, passing the group he had followed inside.

"Here we go," said Seth. He put the bottles on the table.

"Cheers," said Sirius, raising one of the bottles to his lips.

There was silence while the three of them drank. Lily's thoughts couldn't help drifting back to what Sirius had said earlier. He was right that Voldemort seemed to have been lying low for the last couple of months – there had been the occasional attacks but they seemed more as if he was reminding everyone that he was still out there, rather than outwardly threatening everyone and creating mass panic. The only possible explanation was that he was planning something big, something that involved all of the Death Eaters; otherwise they would still be able to go out and attack innocent people. Though what he could be planning, Lily didn't know.

She stared off into the distance, allowing her thoughts to the forefront of her mind. It was only when Seth started talking to her that Lily remembered where she was.

"How've you been, Lily? Did you have a good birthday?"

"Oh, yes. It was good, nothing too special."

Sirius snorted.

" _Nothing too special_ , it only took me and Moony weeks of planning so it'd be a surprise."

"Moony?" inquired Seth.

"Remus, " Sirius clarified. "It's an old nickname."

"It's an odd nickname. Why  _Moony_?"

Lily and Sirius exchanged glances. Seth was only being curious, but they both knew that Remus wouldn't thank them for telling him.

"It's a bit private," Lily said eventually.

"Only a bit?"

"A very big bit," said Sirius, and Seth dropped the subject.

"So, Seth," Sirius began, following a rather more awkward silence than the previous, "what did you do while you were over in America?"

"I worked in the American Ministry - Department of International Magical Co-operation. I still actually work for them – when I said I was coming over here they offered me a position keeping track of the situation."

"You work with our Ministry then? Like an ambassador?" asked Lily.

"Sort of. I mostly stay out of the way and sit in on meetings so I can write reports to send back to our Minister."

"Do our lot take advice from you, if you had a better idea than what they were doing?" Sirius said, suddenly very interested in the conversation.

"I suppose so, if I had an idea. Why?"

"Tell them from me they're useless."

Seth laughed. "I'm sure they aren't doing that bad of a job. You-Know-Who's not taken over the Ministry yet."

"I still think Dumbledore should be Minister."

"Dumbledore doesn't want to be Minister, Sirius. How many times has he said?" Lily said, rolling her eyes.

"Why doesn't Dumbledore want to be Minister? Everyone seems to like him," asked Seth.

"No one knows, he just refused to take it when they offered it him. I think he advises Bagnold though."

"That's got to be better than him not doing anything at all, then."

Lily saw Sirius' lip twitch.

"Yes, I don't know what we'd do if Dumbledore wasn't advising the Minister."

"He'd probably just set up an underground society to help beat Voldemort," said Lily, trying not to laugh.

"It's a good thing that's not needed then, isn't it?"

Seth looked truly confused at what Lily and Sirius were saying. Lily thought it would be a good idea to change the topic so she directed the conversation back to safer topics before Seth could start asking more questions and they ended up revealing top-secret information about the Order.

They stayed in The Leaky Cauldron for over an hour, during which time Lily noticed Sirius relax and gradually became less hostile towards Seth. By the time Lily realised how late it had gotten, they were able to have a conversation without her having to stop Sirius mid-sentence.

"I told you he was okay," Lily said to Sirius as they joined the queue for the fireplace, after saying goodbye to Seth.

"You don't have to sound so smug about it, though."

Lily froze in surprise.

"That wasn't a denial, are you actually agreeing with me?"

"Very funny. Just because I think he's alright doesn't mean I trust him."

Lily sighed and shook her head morosely at Sirius before stepping into the fireplace. The flames engulfed her and, after the familiar sensation of spinning and flames licking her sides, she stepped out into the kitchen at Grimmauld Place to the smell of freshly cooked dinner.


	25. Chapter Twenty FIve

The chilly February wind whipped Lily's robes around her as she stepped out into the darkness. Remus followed her onto the front step and Lily saw him unconsciously glance up at the sliver of moon that illuminated Grimmauld Place, along with the occasional flickering streetlight. Sirius stayed inside the house, keeping warm.

"Night, night, Harry," Lily said kissing Harry on the head, who was being carried by Sirius. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Mummy," said Harry. He twisted round in Sirius' arms, extending his own to try to reach her.

"Nope, you stay with me." Sirius adjusted his grip on him. "We'll have lots more fun here than those two will at the meeting."

"I'm sure you will," agreed Lily. "Don't do anything too stupid."

Sirius gave her a scandalised look, making both Lily and Remus laugh before they said goodbye and closed the front door. Lily linked arms with Remus, and together they Disapparated, reappearing in the small alleyway near headquarters.

"I wish this place was better lit," Lily complained, scanning around them in the darkness. "You never know if anyone's going to jump out at you."

"I think the Muggles might start to notice if people keep appearing out of thin air. They'd need a team of Obliviators just to uphold the Statute of Secrecy," said Remus, stepping out into the street and they started the short walk to headquarters.

"I don't care. I'd rather be alive with the Muggles knowing about us than dead just so the Ministry can be happy."

Before long, the two of them had reached headquarters. Lily pushed the door open and they entered the deserted hallway. Lily had only visited once for the previous meeting since her, Remus and Sirius had stopped living here and she still felt that the house was too empty without their clutter lying in odd corners. This feeling wasn't helped by the low, serious voices coming from the next room instead of the pleasant atmosphere that usually preceded meetings.

No one paused the conversation to greet Lily and Remus as they walked into the living room. Lily thought that nearly every member of the Order must be there as her and Remus struggled to find a spot to stand so they wouldn't be in anyone's way. Remus nodded in the direction of the window and Lily followed him to stand next to Sturgis Podmore, someone Lily didn't know personally but always seemed pleasant enough.

"… if he's trying to build an army, we've got to –"

"He's always been trying to build an army. These attacks aren't his style…"

"What's going on?" Lily whispered to Sturgis. He turned to look at her with a shocked expression.

"You haven't been keeping up with the  _Prophet_?"

"No," said Lily, embarrassed slightly. "We only get it if Sirius decides to stop off in Diagon Alley on his way home. And it's never the best source for news; I don't pay that much attention to it."

"There were a lot of werewolf attacks last full moon-" Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw Remus stiffen. "-and they all seem to be in one area. Of course, the  _Prophet_  didn't pick up on that but it isn't hard if you've got a map."

"Why would they all be in one area?"

"Well, that's the question. It could be a coincidence, or they could be gathering."

A thought crossed Lily's mind and she felt herself grow cold.

"Whereabouts were the attacks? What if-"

"Full moon was two weeks ago," Remus said reassuringly. "Sirius would have told us if Petunia or someone had been hurt, and they know better than to wander around at night by now."

"Right," murmured Lily, barely audible.

"There was no need for you to worry anyway. They were all around the Essex and Hertfordshire area."

"That's still a bit too close for comfort," said Remus.

"I know, but as long as we're all on our guard there's no reason to panic."

Sturgis turned back to listen to the main conversation then, giving Lily the chance to think about this development. A lot of attacks happening in one area did give the impression that the werewolves were gathering, but why would they have a reason to? Greyback's approach had always been to try to infect as many people as possible, and to do that it made sense to spread out. Having his followers spread out across the country would make it hard to maintain control over them all, so he could be congregating them in order to keep his power over them. This idea seemed unlikely to Lily, as Greyback had never struck her as the type to think things through to that extent.

The sound of the front door opening from the hallway interrupted Lily's thoughts and she looked up in time to see Dumbledore enter.

He looked older than Lily had ever seen him. The twinkle that was always present in his blue eyes was gone and this appeared to have taken with it the air of youth that usually surrounded him. Lily rarely ever thought of Dumbledore as an old man, even though he was at least nearing one hundred years of age, but at this moment he looked as if he had lived for a thousand years.

The room fell silent as they all took in Dumbledore's appearance. Lily could guess at what everyone was thinking for she was sure that she was thinking the same: the war must have taken a turn for the worse in ways they did not yet understand.

Lily's mind went into overdrive, thinking of possible events that could have happened for Dumbledore to look so hopeless: Voldemort had taken over the Ministry; a spy had been discovered and killed; Voldemort had discovered where headquarters was; the bad scenarios were endless. Lily briefly considered the werewolf attacks, but quickly dismissed it – it was serious, yes, but much more serious things had happened before and he had never looked this grave.

"Welcome, everyone. It's good to see you all well," Dumbledore said, attempting a small smile. "Shall we get started?"

No one spoke as they made their way into the dining room, and the silence continued when everyone had sat down. It was almost as if no one wanted to be the one to ask what had happened and bring the bad news to everyone. They were all waiting for Dumbledore to say it first.

To Lily's surprise, Dumbledore didn't start the meeting with the bad news and nobody asked. In fact, it wasn't mentioned throughout the entire meeting.

However, he did start with the werewolf attacks.

"Doubtless, you have all heard about the unfortunate attacks that occurred last full moon," said Dumbledore. "I believe there were seventeen attacks in total?" He looked towards Moody for confirmation, who nodded.

"Minister ordered a hush-up on the actual number. The  _Prophet_  was allowed to report that there had been eleven people bitten, but not that six were killed."

Shocked glances were exchanged around the table. Lily had not known the alleged number, so had no opinion on the change in figures. This didn't stop her being shocked at how many attacks there had been. When Sturgis had said that there had been a lot, she'd thought he had meant around seven or eight – it was rare for there to be more than two or three attacks a month. But for there to have been eleven who weren't killed? It was no wonder to Lily why the Minister had stopped the  _Prophet_  publishing the full details of the attacks.

"Yes, Millicent wishes to try to keep public morale as high as possible," Dumbledore said just as people were beginning to murmur between themselves, effectively stopping this, "though it's proving difficult with the sheer number of attacks happening at the moment. There's also the issue that it could lure people into a false sense of security, which is not helpful at all."

"Why were there so many attacks, Albus?" Elphias Doge asked. "Greyback isn't actually planning an attack is he?"

"My sources tell me that it is not Greyback that is planning the attack, but rather Lord Voldemort. We've known for some time that Voldemort had recruited the werewolves, but we were uncertain as to how he was going to use them, as was he, I believe. Now it seems he has found a use for them and is attempting to build up the army."

Dumbledore's words were met with silence. The implications of Voldemort having control over an army of werewolves were terrible, and it was clear that everyone in the room understood this. Lily glanced sideways at Remus; he was staring blankly forwards and his face was drained of all colour. Before she could do or say anything to comfort him, someone at the other end of the table had started speaking.

"That's what they're using the – second base, or whatever it is - for, isn't it?" said Alice Longbottom. Lily was momentarily confused – what base? Then she remembered Dumbledore mentioning that the Death Eaters had somewhere apart from their headquarters that was involved in their plans at the meeting just after Christmas. "As somewhere to keep the werewolves, because they don't want to keep them in their headquarters."

Dumbledore inclined his head towards her. "Those were my thoughts exactly. And, given the locations of the werewolf attacks, I think we can narrow down the location of this second base to near the border of East Anglia, which makes it worryingly close to London and to us."

"What do you think Voldemort's going to use them for?" asked Remus. Lily was surprised at how calm he sounded, given that he looked anything but. Dumbledore fixed him with a concerned look before answering him.

"As to that, I don't know. I have a number of theories, each as worrying as the next. Though I do not wish to jump to any conclusions until I have heard from all of my spies, and gathered all the information available at this time."

Lily listened intently throughout the rest of the meeting, hoping that someone would reveal a piece of information that was possibly linked to the werewolf army that Voldemort was building. Unfortunately, there was nothing more than what was quickly becoming the usual: arriving too late at a murder scene while trailing a Death Eater, almost cornering a Death Eater but they got away at the last minute, getting discovered while spying on a group of Death Eaters and only just getting away… Any successful missions were of little importance and were not happening often enough for any of their liking.

By the end of the meeting, Lily could tell that she was not the only one who was feeling incompetent and as if they were not making a great impact in the war. This was made worse in Lily's case as she actually wasn't doing anything. When Dumbledore started redistributing missions, Lily shifted guiltily in her seat. She knew no one was holding it against her, but she couldn't help wondering whether things would be slightly different if her, Remus and Sirius were helping the cause instead of sitting around Grimmauld Place all day, or in Sirius' case, protecting Petunia, despite the fact that there hadn't even been a whisper of another attack on her family.

Apparently Dumbledore had realised this too. When he reached Lily and Remus on his way around the table, he sighed.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to assign one of you a regular mission, unless you think Sirius will take it and either of you can take over keeping a watch on Petunia?"

"I'll do it," Remus said immediately. He looked at Lily. "You should stay with Harry and I'm not a very good bodyguard once a month."

Lily nodded absentmindedly. She had no reason to object if Remus wanted to take the mission, and he was right that she should stay and look after Harry, after all, she didn't trust Sirius to look after him full time and Remus still wasn't confident in looking after him.

"Very well," said Dumbledore. "In that case, I'd like you to start searching for where Greyback's werewolves are being contained. Start along the Essex and Hertfordshire border and spread out from there. It's unlikely that the base is close to where the attacks were but it can't be too far away."

Remus nodded. His face was still pale, but now he looked determined. Dumbledore gave him another concerned look over the top of his half-moon glasses before moving on.

The meeting wrapped up shortly afterwards. As the room was filled with the sound of chairs being scraped back, Lily heard Dumbledore's voice,

"Remus. A word, please."

Lily saw Remus look up, surprised to see Dumbledore making his way towards him. Lily dawdled in getting up; she was curious as to what Dumbledore could want to talk to Remus about that had to be done so in private. She was lingering around the doorway into the living room when Dumbledore spotted her,

"You may stay, Lily. I merely wish to ask whether Remus is feeling well. You were looking a bit off colour during the meeting."

"I'm fine, honestly, Dumbledore."

"Are you sure? Lily, you have been making the potion correctly, haven't you?"

"I'm due to start making it on Thursday."

"I'm sure, Dumbledore. It's probably just the new moon, it gets to me sometimes."

"If you're sure, Remus." Dumbledore paused, giving him one last look. "Well, I must be going. Goodnight."

They watched as Dumbledore left, leaving only the two of them in the house.

"You're not fine," Lily said. "You went pale as soon as they started talking about the werewolf attacks. You know no one thinks of you like they do the others, you're –"

"Lucky," interrupted Remus. "The only thing that separates me from them is luck. I was lucky to get into Hogwarts, lucky to make brilliant friends, lucky to have someone that will brew me the Wolfsbane potion. If I didn't have all that then I'd probably be out there with them."

"That doesn't mean you have to feel responsible for whatever they're doing."

Remus shook his head morosely. "You don't understand."

"No, I don't think I do. Even if it is just luck that made you different you aren't the one out there infecting innocent people."

"But they're like me. I could do that. It's like… like…" He stared around the room wildly. "It's like how Sirius acts, whenever Bellatrix or someone he's related to has murdered a family or something. It's not his fault but he still takes it personally."

"But you aren't related to any of them. You've never even met any of them! The only time you've ever seen another werewolf was when you were bitten."

Remus was shaking his head before Lily had even finished speaking.

"Forget it. Come on, let's just go home. I think I need a drink."

Lily sighed. She could tell that there was no use in arguing with Remus, when they got back to Grimmauld Place Sirius would probably already have a bottle of something out. He'd been using the excuse that there were cupboards full and they might as well drink it, but Lily knew that he was still having trouble with James' death and was drinking to numb the pain. Sometimes, Lily wished that she could do that too, but thoughts of Harry stopped her. She knew that she had to get through this on her own, otherwise it wouldn't be fair on him if she reached for the bottle every time life got hard. Especially in this war, when it was a matter of when – not if – any more of their friends were lost.

Staying silent, Lily followed Remus out of headquarters. They linked arms on the front step, and the last things Lily saw before they Disapparated were the stars.


	26. Chapter Twenty Six

Before a week had passed, Lily was already fed up of spending her days alone while Sirius was out in Little Whinging and Remus was scouting various towns for Greyback's werewolf pack. She had Harry, but a nearly eighteen month old baby was not a great conversationalist and Lily spent the majority of the day keeping him away from Kreacher, who had developed a deep hatred for her son. This hatred seemed to be mutual, as much of Harry's accidental magic was now aimed at the house-elf and when Lily found Kreacher strung up by his loin cloth on a chandelier in the parlour she decided that this had to stop before either caused the other serious harm. Lily had therefore sent her Patronus to Frank and Alice asking them if they wanted to bring Neville over on their next day off. This would pre-occupy Harry enough so he wouldn't resort to attacking Kreacher and keep Lily company, so she was pleased when Alice's Patronus came back saying that she wasn't in work the next day and would bring Neville to Grimmauld Place.

The toddlers had happily played together on the kitchen floor with some of Harry's toys for most of the day, meaning that Lily and Alice had nothing to do except talk, which suited them perfectly. They were sat on two chairs by the fireplace so that Lily could check on, and occasionally stir, the Wolfsbane potion that she had started to make again for Remus.

During a lull in the conversation, Lily started to watch Harry and Neville.

"They grow up fast, don't they?" Alice sighed. Lily turned to look at Alice and saw that she was watching them too. Lily laughed.

"Don't say that, they're not even two. You're making it sound like they're twenty."

"I don't even want to think about them getting that old. Nev's never going to grow up, he'll stay two forever."

"I think I'd die if Harry stayed two forever. He's a rascal now as it is."

Alice grinned. "I haven't seen Kreacher today."

"Sirius shouted at him last night to stay away from Harry and do something useful instead of antagonising him. I think he's in the attic."

"Sirius takes his godfather duties seriously."

"Don't you mean Siriusly?"

Alice shook her head. Lily laughed at her disappointed expression.

"I never would have thought you'd stoop that low. I'm disappointed in you, Lily."

"I've been spending too much time with him. He's starting to rub off on me."

"What time's he due home?" asked Alice.

Lily checked her watch. "In about half an hour. Why, you don't want to leave just because of that do you? It's not my fault; I'm surrounded by crazy people twenty-four hours a day. I need more sane people in my life."

"No, I should go soon anyway. Nev needs to eat."

"You're no saner than Sirius. I'm not forcing you to go back to Frank's mum's just because Nev needs to eat, you can eat here."

"Are you sure?"

"Definitely. Remus loves cooking, which is great because I'm no good at it."

"You're certain?"

"A hundred per cent."

"You're a lifesaver." Alice breathed a sigh of relief.

"Still not getting on with Frank's mum then?"

"Not a chance," said Alice, shaking her head. "She's so demanding. Whenever she comes back after going out she asks if Nev's done magic yet."

"Really?"

"Yes, Frank shouted at her the other day. We couldn't care less if he was a squib, he's still our son."

"It's not as if it changes who he is."

"Exactly. I don't think she means to be so annoying, she just wants him to be a wizard."

Lily wondered whether she would care if Harry was a squib. There was no doubt that she would still love him, but would she be disappointed? She supposed some part of her would be, but for a much larger part it wouldn't even matter if Harry had three heads, never mind if he was a squib.

"I think all the old pure-blood families are a bit like that. It's not Death Eater stuff, it's just expected. You should have seen James a month after Harry was born, constantly trying to make him Summon things," Lily said, smiling at the memory. That was, until she noticed Alice smiling back at her a little too understandingly.

"How are you?" asked Alice softly.

"I miss him. It's always at the back of my mind. It's not as bad anymore but it's still there. It won't ever go away."

"As long as it doesn't stop you doing anything."

"No. Not like Sirius."

"He always seems alright," Alice sounded surprised. "What does he do?"

"He drinks most nights. It's not a lot, but it's enough."

"That's weird. He's never taken it that bad when anyone else – you know."

"I know, he used to just get angrier. But they were like brothers, and, well, it was his idea to use Peter as the Secret Keeper."

"You know, no one's seen Peter since. He's completely disappeared."

"He must know everyone's after him. Especially Sirius."

"Especially Sirius what?"

Lily looked around at the voice and saw Sirius coming down the stairs.

She hesitated. Lily knew that if she told Sirius what they had been talking about then it would most likely put him in a bad mood for the rest of the evening, but if they didn't tell him then he'd be asking about it constantly until they eventually did tell him, and that would be just as annoying as having him in a bad mood.

Unfortunately, Alice didn't know Sirius as well as Lily did.

"We think Peter's gone into hiding because he knows everyone's after him," said Alice.

"Probably, the cowardly rat," Sirius said, flopping into a chair at the table. "He's not doing Voldemort any good like that though. I'm sure they're both not happy with it. I swear, if I see Wormtail again – "

"Uckle Seerus!"

Harry had noticed Sirius' entrance. He crawled over as quickly as he could to where Sirius was sitting.

"Hiya Harry." Sirius picked him up and sat him down on his knee. Then, he turned to Lily, "Anyway, I was thinking Moony's birthday is coming up. We should do something."

Lily felt as if her heart had skipped a beat. She had forgotten that Remus' birthday was in a few weeks, but it wasn't that that had suddenly made her chest feel heavier than normal. For previous years, the run-up to Remus' birthday had also meant that it was time to start thinking about planning James'. That would never happen again.

Lily could feel Sirius' eyes on her, though she refused to meet them, preferring to look down at the cauldron she was now suddenly interested in and blink rapidly, trying to dislodge the wetness in her eyes. She hadn't been lying when she had told Alice she was better now, but too much talk or thinking about James still upset her, especially when she wasn't expecting it.

"I don't know if he'll want us to do something," she said, keeping her eyes looking down and trying to keep her voice steady. "It's not as if he likes people making a fuss over him."

"Well, what if we say it's not a party for his birthday, but just happens to be on his birthday and that means people will bring him presents?"

Lily couldn't resist rolling her eyes and looking up at Sirius, a faint smile on her face.

"I think he might see through that. Why do you want a party so badly anyway?"

Sirius looked at Lily as if she'd gone mad.

"Why wouldn't anyone want a party? We're in the middle of a war; we don't get enough opportunities to relax and celebrate anything."

"It's Remus' birthday, we should do what he wants."

"But he won't want to do anything!"

"You mean he won't want to do anything you want to do."

"No, he actually won't want to do anything."

"Maybe we should ask him first?"

"But then it won't be a surprise."

"Not everything has to be a surprise."

"It's boring when it's not a surprise."

"You know, Sirius, some people don't like surprises. Or parties, for that matter."

"Remus does. He just doesn't know that he does."

Lily couldn't help it; she burst out laughing at this.

"Give it a rest. We'll ask him what he wants to do when he gets home and that'll be the end of it."

"I think Lily's right, Sirius. You should do what Remus wants," said Alice, who had watched the two of them banter with a bemused expression on her face.

Sirius slumped back in his chair and Lily saw his bottom lip protrude slightly as it was clear he had lost the argument. Lily caught Alice's eye and she grinned.

Silence descended upon them. Lily turned back to the potion now that it was almost time to start the evening's lot of ingredients and began to concentrate on weighing the correct amounts of ingredients; Sirius adjusted Harry on his lap and started playing with him, pulling faces at Harry and lifting him into the air; and Alice got up off her chair to sit beside Neville on the floor.

Lily lost track of time while she focused on the potion, this was only her third month making it and she was still nervous about brewing it wrong and harming Remus in some way. By the time she had finished, her stomach was rumbling. Lily checked her watch and looked around in panic. It was much later than usual and Remus wasn't back yet. Sirius looked up from entertaining Harry, saw Lily's face and appeared to understand her worry straight away.

"Remus is normally back by now," said Lily. "Do you think something's happened?"

"We'd have heard if there was anything wrong. He'd have sent a message or something." Despite his calming words, Sirius sounded just as worried as Lily.

"He'll be fine, don't worry," Alice said. "It's Remus, he's probably got caught up in it and lost track of time."

"Yeah…"

Lily couldn't concentrate on anything from then on. Her mind kept imagining various scenarios in which Remus could have been harmed or prevented from returning back to Grimmauld Place. However, she didn't voice these concerns – Lily knew that Sirius and Alice would only tell her that she worried too much. That left her sitting silently and trying to think of anything else that might distract her while the other two played with the toddlers.

It felt like at least an hour later, but was probably closer to fifteen minutes, when Lily heard the screams start upstairs and then quickly cut off. She hadn't realised that she had been holding her breath until she released it in relief as she saw Remus' feet descending the stone staircase into the kitchen.

"What happened?" Lily asked almost as soon as Remus' face came into view. "You're normally back earlier than this."

Remus frowned and looked at Lily for a moment before replying.

"Were you worrying?" He said with a slight smile.

"Of course she was," Sirius answered for Lily. "But seriously, where were you? I'm starving."

"I thought I'd found a lead but it turned out to be nothing," said Remus, shaking his head. "Thank you for the concern, by the way."

"No problem."

Remus sat down in a seat at the table, causing Sirius to look at him in disbelief.

"Aren't you going to make dinner?"

"Didn't anyone else think to cook? It's not that difficult." Remus looked dumbfounded that nobody had bothered to attempt to feed themselves in his absence. "Oh, hello Alice, I didn't see you sat down there," he added.

"Hi Remus."

"Clearly we were thinking of Harry and Neville. Their tiny baby stomachs might not be able to cope with the dreadful cooking that me or Lily might be able to produce."

"I know that's just an excuse, but you have a point. I've tasted your tagliatelle, it tasted as if you'd thrown in a bunch of things you'd found under a log."

With that, Remus got up and headed into the pantry.

"I'll help," Lily said, getting up and following Remus, "Sirius has stolen my son. What are we having?"

"I – er – don't know."

The pantry door closed behind Lily as she entered, making her suddenly feel claustrophobic in the large pantry. They lit their wands to see and Remus started to look around for something that could be made into a meal. Lily felt remarkably out of place standing there and not doing anything, especially when Remus kept bumping into her in the half-light as he poked around the shelves. After a minute or so, he seemed to have decided on something.

"How about a risotto? Pass me that block of cheese from behind you."

They collected all the ingredients quickly and soon set about cooking them. Lily had to be told exactly what to do by Remus and even then he would interrupt her, telling her that she was doing it wrong. Whenever this happened, Lily expected him to get fed up and tell her to sit down, but he never did.

It was quite late when they finally finished cooking the meal and Harry and Neville had begun to get grouchy. Dinner was eaten hastily so that the toddlers wouldn't have to put to bed as soon as they had finished eating and Alice left with Neville not long after they had finished. The goodbyes were extended due to many thank-yous on Alice's part and Neville not wanting to part with some of Harry's toys, which turned Harry and Neville from the best of friends into mortal enemies for a few minutes. Neville was eventually prised away from the toys and Alice left with him.

After seeing Alice and Neville to the front door, Lily went back down to the kitchen to relax before she would have to get Harry ready for bed.

"You never said Alice was coming round," Remus said as he pointed his wand at the sink and the dishes began to wash themselves.

"Didn't I? I must have forgotten last night. I asked her yesterday to bring Neville over. It doesn't matter does it? It gets boring sat around here all day not doing anything except keeping Harry and Kreacher away from each other."

"You never told us that," said Sirius.

"What difference does it make? Neither of you can just stay here when you feel like it."

"We could have sorted something out."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. I'll have a think."

"I didn't know you could do that."

"Oh, ha ha."

Lily leaned back in her chair, settling herself in for a peaceful evening, or as peaceful an evening as she could have with Sirius there. He would probably complain a bit, but for the most part Lily enjoyed her evenings with him and Remus, teasing each other. The only bad evenings were those when she couldn't sleep, but when that happened she would come back down to the kitchen and more often than not Remus would join her, making those nights bearable. In fact, Lily had got into the habit of following Remus down if she heard him descending the stairs even when her thoughts weren't plaguing her; she knew that she would have gone many sleepless nights had he not been there for her and Lily felt that she owed him nothing less than to do the same for him. If friends couldn't be there for each other when they needed them most, then they were poor friends indeed.


	27. Chapter Twenty Seven

Nearly two weeks had passed since Sirius had promised to think about some way for Lily to not be on her own in number 12 Grimmauld Place all day. Lily had secretly not expected him to do anything about it; there was next to nothing they could do that would either put Harry in danger or mean Sirius or Remus were neglecting their jobs. So she had forgotten about it. In any case, Lily was perfectly content with Alice or Frank visiting with Neville on their days off, despite that not happening very often.

Lily was feeling anxious that morning anyway. The full moon had been the night before and, as always, she was worried about Remus being out on his own. Lily wasn't quite as bad as she had been the previous months, especially last month when she had realised that he wouldn't just be in the woods near the house (as there weren't any) and would have to Apparate to them, but it was enough to put her on edge until Remus got home. This meant that, when Lily went down to the kitchen with Harry, and Sirius wasn't there as he normally was, her anxiety grew to downright worry.

It wasn't that Sirius hadn't been there: Lily had been woken up by the sound of him stomping down the stairs and there were unmistakable signs of his presence (half eaten slices of toast and unwashed dishes in the sink). It was the fact that he had already left, and in a hurry – hence the half eaten toast – that worried Lily.

However, his leaving in a hurry also meant that he had left a letter that it was obvious he had only received that morning. Lily placed Harry in his high chair and grabbed the letter across the table.

_Sirius,_

_I apologise for not replying before now, I've been rather busy. I'll be glad to meet you this morning._

_Regards,_

_Seth_

This left Lily with more questions than it had answered. With her head buzzing full of them, she went about making breakfast for herself, Harry and Remus, who would no doubt be thankful for not having to cook even if the food didn't taste the best.

Lily didn't have to wait long before she heard the unmistakable screams of Walburga's portrait announcing that someone had entered the hallway. They were quickly silenced and followed by the sound of footsteps on the stone stairs down to the kitchen.

"You're back early, Remus. I was just making breakfast," Lily said from the counter.

"It's not Remus, it's me," came Sirius' voice and a second later he had entered the kitchen properly. "And he probably wouldn't feel better if he ate your breakfast. I brought a guest."

Lily was about to fire a witty comeback at Sirius but stopped. A second figure was coming down the stairs, looking around curiously.

"Seth? You brought Seth here?"

"It's good to see you too, Lily," said Seth, a smile playing on his lips.

"But you don't trust Seth. At all. No offense." Lily turned to Sirius, completely shocked, while Seth waved off the insult. Sirius shrugged.

"I didn't. But after we met we carried on exchanging letters and I can't find a reason not to trust him."

Lily stared at him blankly. It took her a moment to regain her ability to speak.

"But why have you told him about Grimmauld Place?"

Sirius rolled his eyes.

"You said the other week that you didn't like being here on your own. Now you have someone else who can visit." He spoke as if to a ten-year-old. Lily was mildly insulted; she wasn't that slow in the mornings.

"Oh… thanks." Lily went back to attempting to make breakfast. "Have a seat, Seth. Do you want anything to eat?"

Seth declined the offer and took a seat next to Harry.

"So this is Harry," Seth said, peering at him. "Hello."

Lily looked around in time to see Harry move away from Seth and raise his arms towards Sirius, who had sat down on the other side of him. Sirius picked him up out of his high chair.

"What's the matter, Harry? Don't you like Seth?" asked Sirius.

"Hung-nery."

"I think Harry's hungry, Lily."

"Yes, I caught that, Sirius."

A few minutes later, Lily placed a plate of burnt scrambled eggs and toast in front of Harry. Sirius looked at Lily, his eyes wide.

"You expect him to eat that?"

"If he's too hungry to wait for Remus to get home then he'll have to get used to my cooking. It's not as if it's inedible, and I've got to eat it too."

Sirius shook his head and started to feed Harry the burnt breakfast.

"Where's Remus?" Seth asked.

Lily briefly glanced up at Sirius from her own plate. He looked surprisingly laid-back.

"Working the night-shift. Security at St. Mungo's," said Sirius, not even looking away from the slice of toast he was cutting up.

"I didn't know he worked at the hospital."

"With Voldemort around they started hiring more security guards to protect all of the extra patients they were getting."

Lily went back to eating her breakfast, thankful that Sirius had obviously thought this through properly. It occurred to Lily that they might not be able to maintain Remus' secret if Seth started spending more time here, but they might end up telling him anyway if they decided to trust him fully, and it seemed that Sirius had.

Nobody spoke while Lily was eating. Harry was voluntarily eating his food, which was unusual for him, thereby keeping Sirius busy as he couldn't cut up the food fast enough. This left Seth to stare around the room curiously, as if he was taking in every detail.

"You're not needed in the Ministry today then, Seth?" asked Lily once she had finished and sent her empty plate over to the sink with a wave of her wand.

"No. I think they think I'd just get in the way today. Day after the full moon, it's bound to be busy if last month was anything to go off. I'll record the damage tomorrow to send back home."

"I don't understand why your Ministry doesn't send over help if they're taking such a big interest in Voldemort."

"It's simple: they don't want him to attack them next. If it's known that America is sending over Aurors then they might as well wave a sign around telling him that there's plenty of muggle-borns over there that he can kill."

"But if they send over enough Aurors then it would help us get rid of Voldemort before he gets a chance to move onto any other country. He's not going to stop if he takes over our Ministry." Without her permission, Lily's eyes fell on Harry as she said this. He was laughing, his mouth wide open, while Sirius pretended the fork was a broomstick and was zooming it around Harry's head.

"He won't stop until the entire world is Pure-blood and wizards have taken over the muggles," Sirius said, putting the fork down onto the empty plate. "Stupid hypocrite."

"What?" Seth looked from Sirius to Lily.

"Voldemort's half-blood. His father was a muggle."

"I thought he was supposed to be Slytherin's heir and all that."

"How do you know that?" asked Sirius.

"Just what I've heard. Rumours."

"Could be, he's certainly evil enough. Doesn't stop his dear old dad being a muggle." Sirius shrugged. "What time is it?"

"Nearly nine. Shouldn't you be going to Mrs Figg's?" said Lily.

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking." Sirius put Harry back in his high chair and stood up. "See you later."

"Bye."

As Sirius walking up the stairs, shouts started coming from the hallway. Sirius paused for a moment, looking down back at Lily.

"That'll be Remus," he said, before making his way up the remaining stairs faster than he had been previously.

The shouts stopped as soon as Sirius' feet disappeared from Lily's view. She could hear his muffled voice from the hallway, though not what he was saying.

"That's Sirius' mother, isn't it? The portrait?" Seth asked.

"Yes. She's lovely to have around."

"Did you ever meet her?"

"Merlin, no, from what Sirius says she never would have let me in the house. Plus, I didn't start talking to him until seventh year and by that time he'd left home."

"Sirius ran away from home?"

"He hated his family, so he left. I think that's about as much thought –"

Lily was cut off by footsteps on the stairs.

"Remus!"

His face was deathly white except for the openly bleeding claw marks down one side of his face and neck that looked as if they continued down his chest. Sirius was on one side of Remus with an arm around him, supporting him as they came down the stairs. Remus' free hand was gripping the banister so tightly his knuckles were white. Lily all but ran up the stairs to help him down.

"What happened?"

Neither Remus nor Sirius answered Lily's question, but Remus gave a grunt of pain when she put her arm around the other side of him to help Sirius support him. Together, Lily and Sirius gently led him down the stairs and to the nearest chair. When he was sat down he let out a sigh of relief and closed his eyes.

Lily looked at Sirius, her expression one of horror. Sirius shook his head.

"I don't know what happened; I couldn't get anything out of him." His eyes drifted over to where Remus was sat. "I need to go. Take care of him, and tell me what happened when you find out."

Lily nodded, and Sirius left. She hurried to Remus' side.

"What happened?" Lily asked again, this time more urgently.

Remus' mouth moved but no sound came out. Lily thought she could lip read the word "werewolf".

She felt her face go cold. Brewing the Wolfsbane potion had many advantages: since he'd been taking it Remus hadn't been feeling the effects of the moon in the week preceding the full moon as much as he used to and he said it made the transformations easier by allowing him to keep his mind, but if there was a situation where keeping his mind would be a disadvantage then it would be if he came into contact with another werewolf.

Lily moved a chair so Remus could put his feet up on it and hurried to the cupboard where she kept the potion ingredients, hoping that there was something that would help heal the cuts on his face. After fumbling around in the cupboard for a moment, Lily pulled out a nearly empty bottle of Essence of Dittany. She rushed back to Remus' side, her hands shaking slightly, and poured a few drops onto the cuts.

Remus hissed in pain as the Dittany was applied and green smoke rose out of the wounds. By the time it cleared, what Lily could see of the cuts had scabbed over. She leaned back, relaxing slightly.

"I think you missed a bit," Seth said.

Lily looked to where he was pointing and felt as if her heart had fallen to somewhere around her stomach.

Blood was seeping through his robes at all possible places: his arms, legs and chest. Lily pulled them back off one of his arms to reveal multiple gashes and a number of bite marks.

"It looks like it was some sort of animal," Seth said, staring at the marks that covered Remus' arm. "Are you sure it wasn't a werewolf?"

Remus opened his eyes. It seemed to take him a minute to recognise Seth, when he did, he shook his head minutely.

"After… dawn." Remus' voice was barely audible, it looked as if each word was costing him great effort.

"There's not enough Dittany for all of these," moaned Lily. In her panic she could feel tears building up in her eyes.

"I'll go get some."

Lily looked around.

Seth had stood up and was looking down at Lily and Remus with a concerned expression.

"I won't be long. I can Apparate to Diagon Alley, go to the apothecary and be back in half an hour," he said, and without waiting for an answer from Lily, he left too.

"Why… Seth?" came Remus' faint voice from beside Lily.

"Sirius let him in. We told him that you were working a night-shift as a security guard at St. Mungo's to explain where you were, so you were attacked on the way home, ok?"

Remus nodded slightly to show he understood, and then leaned back in his chair.

"Remus, what happened?" asked Lily. She knew it was probably wisest to heal the cuts and let him rest before making him tell her how he had ended up like this, but it would be impossible for him to tell her the truth when Seth was here without him knowing too.

"Werewolf… surprised me… woods near headquarters."

"But headquarters is nowhere near where the attacks were last month!"

He nodded again and closed his eyes. Lily started applying the Dittany sparingly to his arms. As she made her way further and further up them, the cuts and bites became more frequent and, by the time Lily had reached his shoulders, the Dittany had ran out.

While she worked, Lily couldn't help thinking about what had happened. It could have been a coincidence that a werewolf just happened to be near headquarters, but it was completely out of the way from where the attacks had been the previous month. This worried Lily; if the Death Eaters and werewolves knew where headquarters was – even if they couldn't see it or get in – they could start attacking the Order members more efficiently. The other option was that Greyback's werewolf army had got large enough for them to spread further away from where Dumbledore thought they were being kept. Not surprisingly, Lily didn't like either of these options.

Lily glanced up at Remus' face. He wasn't as pale as he had been when he first came in, though his jaw was clenched in pain. Without any more Dittany, Lily wasn't sure what to do to help him; she wasn't a Healer, she was last person anyone would go to if they were injured. In the end, she settled on cleaning the wounds that she had already treated. Pointing her wand at Remus' face, Lily muttered " _Tergeo_ " and the drying blood was siphoned off. She repeated this with his arms and, once she had finished, his face and arms didn't look too bad. Now Lily only had to dread what the rest of him looked like.

It wasn't long until Lily heard the front door open and the screams start from Walburga's portrait once more. Seth appeared on the stairs holding a small vial, when he reached the bottom he passed it to Lily.

"Thank you," said Lily before quickly turning back to Remus.

She started now on his legs. They weren't as bad as his arms had been, but Lily couldn't help cringing as she worked her way up. When she reached his knees, Lily paused.

"Remus, we're going to have to take your robes off."

He grunted, which Lily took to mean that they could. She glanced towards Seth, who had been watching apprehensively. He appeared to know immediately what she wanted him to do as he moved closer and helped her pull Remus' robes over his head so that he was lying in only his underwear. Lily gasped.

Remus' entire upper body was covered in blood and claw and bite marks. Lily had to take several calming breaths to stop her hands shaking before she was able to unstopper the vial of Dittany and begin applying it to Remus' wounds.

It took Lily almost an hour to heal all the cuts on Remus' front and back, and siphon off the blood. Instead of making him look like the bloodied piece of meat he had previously, the cuts were now scabbing over and looked a few weeks old. Lily Summoned a clean set of robes and, with Seth's help, managed to redress Remus. He hadn't said anything while they worked, but Lily had heard him grunt in pain or exhale louder than was normal more than a few times and Lily had started shaking whenever he did.

Now they had finished, Remus opened his eyes.

"How are you feeling?" Lily asked.

"Tired," said Remus, his voice slightly stronger than before, "and hungry."

Lily had forgotten the extra breakfast she had put a Warming Charm on for Remus earlier. She pointed her wand at it and it zoomed over to her. Lily caught it, and out of the corner of her eyes, she saw Remus move as if to sit up properly.

"You're staying there," said Lily. Something in her voice made Remus relax again without hesitation. He didn't move or speak while Lily fed him breakfast. It was only after she had finished and his face had regained most of its usual colour that Lily allowed Remus to sit up in his chair.

"Thanks," he said. Then, he crossed his arms in front of him on the table and rested his head on them. Within moments, Lily could hear him breathing deeply, asleep.


	28. Chapter Twenty Eight

"Don't you think we should move him?"

Seth's whispered question interrupted Lily's thoughts. She hadn't been thinking about anything in particular, merely replaying the previous two hours in her mind. Seeing Remus covered in blood had unsettled her. Despite their rising numbers, Remus had never encountered another werewolf at the full moon before and Lily had to strain to think if she had ever seen him injured that badly; she hadn't, not even after he had returned from missions for the Order.

"Where to? The parlour?" asked Lily. She looked away from Remus' sleeping form towards Seth.

"He doesn't have a bedroom?"

"We wouldn't hear him if he woke up and needed something."

Seth stared at Lily for a moment. Finally, he said, "Sirius is right, you do worry a lot. Parlour it is then."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Lily was brought up short by Seth's comment.

"Nothing. Just an observation." Seth smiled. "Sirius mentioned it once."

This reminded Lily of a question she had meant to ask Sirius. She decided that asking Seth would be just as good.

"What did you and Sirius talk about when you wrote to each other?"

Seth shrugged. "Anything. Mostly me, actually," Seth said, after thinking for a second. "He has serious trust issues. Why are you suspicious all of a sudden? I've finally got Sirius on my side and now you've stopped believing me." Seth laughed.

"I'm not suspicious," Lily said, shaking her head. "I'm more surprised that Sirius has suddenly decided to trust you, you haven't cursed him or something, have you?"

"No, I haven't cursed Sirius." Seth grinned. "Are you going to help me move Remus or not?"

"I'll do it; you can hold open the doors for me."

Lily picked Harry up out of his high chair to take him up with them and pointed her wand at Remus. He started levitating slightly a few inches above the chair he had been sat on. Being careful so as to not bang him against anything, Lily levitated him up the stairs. Seth went ahead of them to hold the doors open for Lily and Stun the portrait of Walburga Black. Somehow, they made it to the parlour without waking Remus, and Lily lowered him onto the sofa.

"Have a seat," Lily whispered, taking one herself and setting Harry on her knee.

"What do you do all day here?" Seth asked. "Just…"

"I keep Kreacher away from Harry. It gets boring, but I don't actually mind that much. Plenty of people would do anything to be able to spend all day with their son, and with Voldemort around you never know how long you've got."

"I wouldn't worry too much about that, he's never going to be able to get in here."

"Something might happen when we go out, though."

"Do you go out a lot? I assumed you stayed in with Harry."

Lily mentally cursed herself for saying anything. The only time she went out was to go to the Order meetings, which Seth wasn't to know about.

"Someone's always here with Harry, but I'd go crazy if I didn't leave the house. Occasionally I go to Diagon Alley with Remus or Sirius," Lily made up on the spot. Seth appeared to believe her because he didn't question it any further.

Neither of them spoke and they fell into an uncomfortable silence. Lily didn't know what to talk about to Seth; the topic that was on everyone's mind – the war – would not be wise as Lily could accidently reveal too much information and she wasn't that knowledgeable about anything else that was happening outside of Grimmauld Place. Fortunately, Harry broke the silence.

"Mummy."

He tried to stand up on Lily's knee to get her full attention.

"Shh, Harry. You've got to be quiet, Uncle Remus is sleeping. See?"

Lily turned him around so that Harry could see Remus asleep on the sofa. It didn't make much of an impression on Harry.

"Mummy!" He said, louder than before.

"Quiet, Harry. What's the matter?"

"Play."

"I can't play with you, we've got to be quiet."

At this, Lily could see Harry's bottom lip start trembling and she knew that she had moments before he would start crying.

"Okay, okay," she said quickly to stop him before he started screaming. "You can have some quiet toys."

Lily placed Harry on the floor and got up. She went to one of the cabinets that they used to store some of Harry's toys.

"I didn't know they did quiet toys for babies," said Seth.

"They don't do many," Lily said, rummaging around. She spotted the toy Sirius had made Harry for Christmas and quickly moved it to the back before Harry could have a chance to see it and demand that he play with it. In the end, Lily pulled out an armful of cuddly toys that could walk and wave their arms about, but definitely could not make any noise.

Harry set about playing with them, and chasing them on all fours when they walked out of his reach. At one point, a stuffed dragon started making its way towards Seth, bumping into the legs of the coffee table as it went. Harry made to go after it, but he stopped abruptly when he saw who it was going towards.

"Here you go," Seth said, picking up the toy and turned it around so it would walk back to Harry. It was too late, as Harry had already started crawling back towards Lily.

"Don't you like Seth, Harry?" Lily picked him up and he buried himself in her arms. "He's not used to strangers," she said to Seth.

"It's fine."

He didn't look fine – he was frowning slightly while staring at Harry; a slight crease had appeared between his eyebrows.

"Seth?"

Seth blinked and looked up. The crease disappeared and his frown was replaced by a small smile.

"Are you okay? Do you want a drink or anything?"

"No thanks, I'm good. It's nothing, I'm not used to babies running away from me."

"He doesn't meet that many people who he doesn't already know."

Lily spent the next few minutes trying to coax Harry out of her arms. Every time she put him back on the floor so he could play with his toys he'd crawl back behind Lily's legs and refuse to move until she picked him back up. Finally, she gave up and left him on her lap.

"Kids," laughed Seth.

"Yeah, who'd have them?"

"He doesn't look like you much," mused Seth.

"I know. He's the double of his dad. He has my eyes, though."

Seth opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by a sound coming from the sofa.

"Naugh."

Lily looked over to see that Remus was stirring. He yawned and looked around the room.

"I thought I fell asleep downstairs," croaked Remus.

"You did, but you looked uncomfortable so we moved you."

"Why the sofa?"

On the other side of her, Lily heard Seth snicker.

"Lily didn't want you to be upstairs in case you woke up and needed something and we wouldn't be able to hear you."

Remus rolled his eyes, but was smiling slightly.

"How are you feeling? You haven't been asleep very long." Lily tried to divert the attention from herself before they started teasing her.

"Better." He touched the marks on his face and grimaced. "Ouch."

"They shouldn't scar, I think we got to them in time," said Lily.

"It doesn't matter. I've got plenty to match."

"What happened?" Seth asked.

Lily held her breath, hoping that Remus hadn't been too out of it before to remember their cover story.

"I don't really know," he said. "I was coming back and a great big pack of wild dogs must have decided that I looked like food. I only just managed to get away from them."

Seth nodded and Lily released her breath. It would be a miracle if they got through the day without him becoming suspicious about why Remus had turned up looking like he'd offended a hippogriff.

"Do you want anything?" said Lily, attempting to steer the conversation towards safer waters.

"I could do with something to eat."

"Right." Lily checked her watch. It was past noon. "I'll make us all lunch."

"I'll help," said Seth while Lily was getting up.

"That means you get to look after Harry." Lily walked over to Remus, who sat up quickly, and put Harry in his lap.

"You're eager to get rid of him."

"He's not been behaving."

"Then why are you giving him to me?" Remus looked warily at the toddler.

"You'll be fine – we won't be long."

Lily and Seth left the room with Remus looking alarmed at the prospect of being alone with Harry.

Once they were in the kitchen, both Lily and Seth stopped, and then looked at each other.

"So what are we making?"

"Err," Lily said. "Well, I've already burnt one meal today so I don't fancy repeating that experience. Sandwiches will be fine."

Lily led the way into the pantry. It took the two of them a while to find everything they needed as Lily spent very little time in there normally. They had everything apart from the bread and were staring around looking for it when Seth spotted it on a higher shelf.

He reached up to grab it and the sleeves of his robes slipped down, revealing his forearms. Lily glanced at his left arm before she even had a chance to understand why she did so. His pale skin was bare.

"What's the matter?" Seth asked. He must have caught Lily's quick glance.

"Nothing."

"You were looking at my arms. Is there anything on them?"

"No," said Lily, and then, deciding that the truth wasn't too bad, "I was just checking to see –"

"I don't have a Dark Mark. And I've not left your sight or had a drink for over an hour, so I haven't been taking Polyjuice potion either."

Lily blushed, embarrassed that Seth had caught her out. She took a deep breath and when she spoke it was in an overly business-like voice, "Right. Just making sure."

Seth was smiling again. "Are there any more tests I have to pass?"

"Not right now. I'll have a think."

They went back into the kitchen. It didn't take them long to make everyone's lunch, which also didn't involve any injuries on Lily's part. Everything was finished and Lily was about to take the plates back upstairs when Seth spoke.

"Hey, Lily, can I ask you something?"

"Sure. Go ahead."

"Why was Remus lying before?"

Lily felt her face grow cold.

"What are you talking about?"

"When he was telling us what happened he said he'd been attacked by wild dogs but when he came in his robes were fine, it was only him that was messed up."

Lily mentally cursed, repeatedly. She didn't say anything.

"Is he a werewolf?"

Lily continued cursing. Seth took her silence as a yes.

"I thought so. He's always seemed as if he had something to hide and today you've all been thinking before saying anything about him. Also, Moony?"

"They were really unimaginative fifteen-year olds," Lily managed to say. "We couldn't even go a day with you here without you finding out. That's awful."

"Not really, it was a bad day for you to try.

"You don't care?" Lily asked. "Most people start running when they hear the word 'werewolf'."

"Most werewolves run around in packs trying to infect others. I get the impression Remus doesn't do that."

"You're really ok with it?" Lily raised her eyebrows.

"If I wasn't I don't think I'd still be stood here. Come on, I think they'll be getting hungry up there," said Seth, and without another word he passed Lily on his way upstairs, taking the plates out of her hands as he went.

Lily didn't regain control of her legs straight away. She was completely dumbstruck by Seth's reaction; she hadn't known anyone to just accept that someone they barely knew was a werewolf – even she hadn't at first and she'd known Remus for years before finding out.

She eventually followed Seth up the stone steps. He had waited for her at the top of them, and laughed at the expression on her face as she came up.

"Is it really that unusual for people to be that accepting?" he asked.

"Yes, don't you Americans care?"

"Not that I've noticed."

They entered the parlour. Remus looked up from making faces at Harry as they did so; his expression faltered at the sight of Lily's face. She had no idea what she must look like for Seth to laugh and Remus to hesitate when they saw her. Lily quickly rearranged her features.

"What's the matter?" asked Remus, accepting a plate from Seth.

Lily sat down, glancing at Remus before speaking to her plate, "Seth knows."

"Knows what?"

"About your moon-time activities."

There was silence; it stretched on for what felt like hours. When she couldn't handle it anymore, Lily looked up.

Remus had gone pale, but was watching Seth intently. Seth was looking straight back at Remus, not blinking.

"Well?" Remus said. His voice had gone hard, Lily inwardly cringed at it.

"What do you want me to say? I can make a song and dance about it if you want, but I get the feeling you wouldn't appreciate it if I did."

"No. How do you know? Lily wouldn't have told you."

"No, I guessed. When you came in this morning your robes weren't torn even though you were bleeding everywhere. Didn't fit with your story of being attacked by dogs. So you were attacked by a werewolf last night?"

"Yes."

"You know, you could report it."

Remus actually snorted.

"Yeah, because the Ministry cares when werewolves are attacked by other werewolves. It's their top priority."

"It was still a werewolf attack."

Remus didn't reply. Instead he took a bite out of his sandwich. Seth got the message; he gave up trying to convince Remus to report the attack and started eating his own lunch.

The tension in the room hadn't disappeared by the time they had finished eating. Lily, getting fed up of the many awkward silences, went to sit next to Remus on the sofa.

"Lily – what are you doing?" Remus asked, bewildered, when she started peering at his face. He started to move away, but Lily clasped her hands on either side of his face, being careful to avoid the claw marks.

"Checking your cuts."

"But you're not a Healer."

"I know that, but even I know that if green goo is coming out then something's not right."

"Is there green goo?"

"No," Lily said, and let go of Remus' face.

"So I'm not going to die."

Remus looked relieved that Lily had let him go and shifted away from her slightly. Lily frowned at him while he was looking in another direction.

"Not today."


	29. Chapter Twenty Nine

Remus didn't die the next day, or the day after. In fact, he managed to survive the two weeks until his birthday with nothing worse happening than Kreacher muttering insults under his breath when they happened to be in the same room. His cuts and bite marks faded with only the deepest ones leaving faint white scars behind.

Lily had eventually discouraged Sirius from throwing a surprise party of some sort for Remus and had involved Remus in the plans for his birthday. At first, he had been unwilling to do anything for his birthday, claiming that twenty-two wasn't an important age, but Sirius' argument that no one knew if they'd make it to their next birthday quickly quietened him and Remus agreed to do something.

In the end, it was decided that they would invite a few friends from the Order to visit in the evening. This caused enough trouble by itself: there were too many members of the Order to invite them all to the small gathering, but not many that they actually talked to. Remus finally allowed them to invite Hagrid, Frank and Alice, as well as Seth, who he had avoided slightly since Seth had found out that he was a werewolf. However, Remus was warming up to him again now that it was obvious that he wasn't treating Remus any differently.

Everything had been decided upon and arranged, until Remus let slip that he still planned to go out during the day to search for the werewolf base.

"Are you crazy?" Sirius had demanded.

"No. If it was a paid job I wouldn't be able to take the day off, I don't see the difference," Remus had explained.

Sirius had shook his head, and then turned to Lily, "Back me up, Lily."

"It's his birthday. He can do what he wants."

"That's rubbish, though. It'll just be like any other day when people come round."

"We never have people come round in the evening for drinks."

"That's not the point. We should be doing something different."

"Like what?"

"I don't know."

"Well, until you do know, we'll stick with what we've got."

When Remus' birthday came, Sirius hadn't thought up any brilliant ideas. He complained about the lack of festivities the entire time he and Lily were making breakfast for Remus (it was cereal, as that was the only thing Lily was sure she couldn't burn) and Lily had to do the only thing that she knew would keep him quiet; she gave him Harry to look after. Harry himself wasn't cooperating after being woken earlier than usual so that they could make Remus breakfast in bed, which kept Sirius suitably busy to stop him moaning.

They took Remus' breakfast up to him, along with his presents. It had become tradition over the past few years to buy Remus things that he actually needed as presents, but now they were all living under the same roof this had become harder, and there were only so many times you could buy someone new robes to replace their tattered ones. This had left Lily and Sirius with next to no ideas as to what to get him and they had ended up buying the obligatory robes and a few books.

Remus was still asleep when Lily and Sirius crept into his bedroom. However, he soon woke up when Sirius put Harry down on his bed and the toddler started crawling over Remus and pulling at his hair.

"Gah," said Remus.

He recovered quickly and sat up so that he could eat his breakfast and open the presents. After he had done so, Lily and Sirius took Harry and left so that Remus could get dressed. Remus and Sirius had to leave soon after, on their way out Lily heard Sirius warn Remus not to be late coming home, or else.

Lily spent the day sorting out the house, ready for that evening. The parlour and kitchen were cleaned, as those were the only rooms Lily could see them using. She also put up the birthday banners and balloons that Sirius had bought, annoying some of the old portraits in the hallway. Their grumbles became background noise as the balloons went floating past their faces.

Remus came home earlier than usual, claiming that he didn't want to be killed by Sirius on his birthday, and Sirius returned not long after. They ate and had an hour or so to relax before Harry had to be put to bed in time for the guests to arrive.

Lily had just stepped onto the bottom step of the stairs from taking Harry upstairs when the doorbell rang. She reflexively pointed her wand at the portrait of Mrs Black and Stunned it on the way to open the front door.

"Hi, Lily," Alice said as Lily opened the door. She was stood beside Frank, with Hagrid's enormous shadow cast over them.

"Hi," said Lily, stepping to one side to allow them to enter. She had to move altogether for Hagrid to squeeze his way inside.

"'Ello."

"Hi, Hagrid."

"How's Remus?"

"He's fine. I think they're in the parlour."

Lily walked in, followed by Frank, Alice and Hagrid.

"Happy birthday, Remus," Alice said, handing him a parcel. "We weren't sure what to get you, so we kind of went with the easy option, sorry."

"Thank you, you didn't have to get me anything," said Remus, starting to unwrap the present. It turned out to be a book; Remus immediately flipped it over and started reading the blurb.

"You should have got him socks. He loves socks. Insists on rolling them up and everything." Everyone turned to look at Sirius on his armchair in the corner.

Alice leaned closer to Lily and whispered in her ear, "Has he started drinking yet?"

Lily tried her best to hold in her laughter.

"No."

"Sirius, do me a favour?" Remus said loudly, not looking up from the book.

"I suppose I've got to, it's your birthday."

"Shut up."

Hagrid gave Remus his present too, which Remus unwrapped to find what looked like a deformed hand.

"Uh, Hagrid – what is this?" Remus asked, his voice slightly higher than usual and holding onto the thing through the wrapping paper.

"'S a clabbert's paw. Supposed to bring luck ter the owner."

"Oh," said Remus. The paw was webbed and a mottled green colour. Its skin was perfectly smooth. "Thanks, Hagrid."

Not long after that, Seth arrived, which meant that Lily had to spend a few minutes introducing him to everyone. They all accepted him without hesitation, something Lily had been worrying about, and before long they were all asking about his life in America. It turned out that Alice and Frank had seen him around at the Ministry and they started talking to him about work.

With all the guests there, Sirius brought out a bottle of elf-made wine and glasses for everyone. They toasted Remus and sang 'Happy birthday' to him, while he sat on an armchair looking awkward.

They sat in the parlour, talking and joking, for hours. After a few rounds of drinks, Lily could hear people's voices becoming slurred, her own included. Remus seemed to be the worst, as every time he drained his glass, someone would fill it up again. Most of the time, this was Sirius, who was equally – if not more – drunk.

At one point, Sirius grabbed the clabbert's paw that Remus had placed on the coffee table on his way back to his chair from getting a new bottle of Firewhiskey.

"So this gives people good luck?" Sirius asked sitting down again.

"Yeh, dunno if it works. Though' it migh' be worth summat with the war an' all," said Hagrid.

"Hey, Moony, you might be able to get a girlfriend with this." Sirius waved the paw in the air.

"It's not luck that stops me getting a girlfriend –"

"No, you're right, it's not, is it, Mr Remus "Victorian constitution" Lupin? When was the last time - ?"

"Shut up."

"Hey! Don't interrupt me."

"I can do what I want, it's my birthday." Remus grinned stupidly when he said the last three words. "And you have to do what I say, get me another drink."

"Yes, your highness."

They carried on in a similar fashion until midnight, when Frank and Alice had to leave as they were both at work in the morning. Not long after that, Hagrid left, leaving just Lily, Remus, Sirius and Seth.

Lily had no idea how many bottles of alcohol they had got through at this point, but it was enough for her mind to go foggy. By the time it got to two o'clock, they had slowed down their drinking and everyone was calmer and slightly sleepy.

Around this time, Seth announced that he had to leave as well. He said goodbye to Lily and Remus, but then struggled to get away from Sirius who had become very friendly and wouldn't let go of Seth after he had hugged him. Lily had to prise Sirius off Seth, and she saw Seth to the front door.

When she returned, Remus and Sirius weren't talking; Remus was playing with the glass in his hands while smiling drunkenly and Sirius was staring at the opposite wall, his eyelids half closed.

"Lily, what time is it?" came Sirius' drunken slur as Lily took her spot on the sofa.

Lily looked at her watch, trying to decipher what the numbers and hands meant. In that pause, she heard a loud snore come from Sirius' direction and in glancing at him she saw that he had fallen asleep with his mouth open.

"He's a charmer," said Lily, and then to Remus, "Is it just us left?"

"I think so, unless Hagrid's hiding in a cupboard."

In her drunken state, Lily found this comment hilarious. She laughed until she could barely breathe and Remus joined in. Lily had almost calmed down when the hiccups started; this brought on a new round of laughter from the pair of them, although it was now painful for Lily who was laughing through the hiccups.

"Ow, ow. Ouch."

"Are you okay?" Remus choked out between laughs.

"No," said Lily, clutching her sides, but she was grinning and couldn't stop another laugh escaping from her mouth.

"You need to go to bed."

"What? I'm fine. Fine. You've had twice as much to drink as me and you're fine. And going to bed requires moving."

"I've got a good metamba – memeba – metabolisslele – something.  _Very_  good point about the moving, by the way. I don't think I can."

Lily squinted her eyes so that she could concentrate on Remus better; he was sat sideways on the armchair, his legs over one arm and his head resting on the other, with both of his hands protectively grasping a glass of Firewhiskey. That he didn't think he could move didn't seem to bother Remus, as he was grinning at the wall opposite, seemingly without a care in the world. Lily thought that Remus' metabolism wasn't as good as he thought it was.

"I don't think we have to move. We could stay here forever."

"What about when we need the toilet?"

"Oh."

Remus downed the rest of the drink in his glass, then looked around the room.

"There's no point in opening another bottle is there?"

"I don't think so," Lily said, reaching down the side of the sofa with one arm, "not when there's a half empty one here." She raised the bottle into the air for Remus to see and waved it at him, hearing the sloshing of liquid as she did.

"Pass it here."

Lily got to her feet hesitantly, she could have thrown the bottle to Remus, but it was very likely that she would miss or he wouldn't catch it. Getting up didn't turn out to be a good choice either, as Lily almost tripped up in surprise when Sirius started mumbling in his sleep.

"…We live… 'neath… waves… yellow… 'marine…"

"Is he singing  _The Beatles_?" Lily froze and turned to stare at Sirius' sleeping form. He carried on mumbling but it was too quiet for Lily to understand what he was saying. "How has he even heard of them?"

"I don't know."

Lily shook her head.

"I don't understand Sirius," she said, passing the bottle to Remus and collapsing back onto the sofa. Remus filled his glass with more Firewhiskey and peered at the bottle.

"Who does? There isn't much left in this, do you want the rest?"

"Yeah, go on. It'll save you having any more."

"That's the worst excuse ever, you can just say you want more."

"It's not an excuse, I'm a responsible adult. I put others' safety before my own."

"If you say so. Aren't you going to get this then?"

"You're milking this birthday thing for all it's worth. And it's past midnight, I don't have to do everything for you now." Despite her words, Lily got to her feet again.

"I'm a responsible adult – if I get up I'll end up falling over and breaking something."

Lily took the bottle and emptied it into her own glass. She sat back down, taking sips from her glass as she did so. Her eyelids were starting to droop and, now it was silent, she began to notice a banging in her head that grew worse with each swallow of the Firewhiskey. Halfway through the drink, Lily put her glass down on the coffee table and held her head in her hands, closing her eyes.

"Are you ok?" Remus asked, sounding as concerned as he could in his current state.

"I can't drink anymore," mumbled Lily.

She heard a scuffling sound, the sound of something heavy falling on the floor, accompanied by a loud curse, and more scuffling. When she let her hands fall and opened her eyes, Remus' face was unexpectedly close to her own, so close that she could see the individual hairs growing on his chin. His dilated pupils stared straight into her own. They stayed like that for a minute, not moving, just looking at each other.

"Come on," Remus said finally, his voice slightly hoarse. "You should get to bed."

Lily shook her head. "We should clear some of this up first. I don't think we'll be doing it in the morning."

Remus drew away, giving Lily room to stand up. She did so, holding onto him for support; he was surprisingly steady on his feet for someone who had drank so much and couldn't talk without slurring his words. Lily held onto his arm until she felt steady on her own feet and then started going around the room picking up the empty glasses and bottles.

Remus helped her, though as he collected the glasses that still had some drink in them, he emptied them most efficiently – by drinking whatever was left.

The parlour looked relatively tidy once the glasses and bottles that had been strewn around the room had been picked up. Lily and Remus took them down to the kitchen, tip-toeing past the portrait of Sirius' mother (who was sleeping) and slowly descending the stone staircase into the basement kitchen.

Lily was about to congratulate herself on making it there without dropping anything or falling over, when her foot got caught on a chair leg that hadn't been pushed under the table properly. She shouted out pointlessly as she fell, watching as if in slow-motion the glasses in her arms fall out and smash on the floor. Lily landed amongst the broken shards of glass.

"Lily!" Remus shouted. She watched the lower half of his body as he dumped the glasses and bottles he had been holding into the sink and then knelt down beside her. "Are you ok?"

"I – I think so," she said. She had managed to close her eyes before the impact so had avoided getting glass in them; however, she had felt the pain as the glass pierced the skin on her face and hands.

"You've cut your face," said Remus. He gently touched Lily's cheek with his thumb, wiping away blood, she guessed. "Here." He stood up and extended a hand towards her. She took it and Remus pulled her up.

He must have pulled too hard because Lily ended up staggering into his chest. Remus put his arms around her and it helped her steady herself.

"Whoops, sorry."

"It's alright," said Lily. She looked up at his face as she said it. His face really was remarkably close to her own.

Lily made to take a step backwards, but Remus' arms were too strong for her.

Then it happened.

Remus hadn't broken eye contact with Lily, hadn't done anything that could have warned Lily what was about to happen. One second, they were looking at each other, admittedly with Lily in Remus' arms.

The next, Remus had pressed his lips against Lily's.

Lily gasped, and Remus immediately drew away from her, releasing her from his grasp as a result. She stared at him for a moment, in shock, and watched him blink several times. In the seconds it took him to do this, his expression turned from one of drunken serenity to one of complete and utter horror. He grabbed at his hair with both hands.

"Merlin, I'm sorry, I –" Remus started but he didn't finish, as he promptly turned around and as good as ran up the stairs to the hallway.

Lily stood, frozen to the spot, her mouth slightly open.

It was nothing, she decided after a few long minutes. Remus must have been drunker than either of them had thought; no doubt he wouldn't even remember it in the morning. It didn't mean anything.

Lily stayed frozen for a few more minutes before the tiredness crept up on her again. She found her wand in her pocket and pointed it at the broken glass on the floor. It repaired itself and flew over to the sink to join the others.

She checked the wounds on her arms and hands, and did the same with those on her face after spotting a spoon left on the side that she used to see her reflection. They didn't look as if they had glass stuck in them, and they weren't bleeding too much, Lily thought that they would have probably stopped by the time she got into bed.

For some reason, Lily couldn't bring herself to go upstairs straight away. She stayed in the kitchen, washing the glasses and throwing away the empty wine bottles until she couldn't fight her tired eyes and brain anymore.

Lily stumbled up the stairs, trying her best to simply concentrate on getting to her bedroom instead of allowing her thoughts to wander. She determinedly didn't think of what had happened in the kitchen.

That night, Lily dreamt of James.


	30. Chapter Thirty

In the dream, James just stood there – not speaking, not moving – while Lily went about her dream-business. No matter what happened, he was always there in her peripheral vision, watching her.

Lily awoke with her heart pounding and wetness in her eyes. She lay in bed for a few minutes, taking deep breaths and allowing her heart rate to return to normal, as well as the tears to leave her eyes. While Lily lay there, she heard the unmistakable sounds of someone moving around the house. Through the curtains, Lily could tell that it was still dark outside and she had to wonder why Sirius or Remus – or both – were up this early. They had both been ridiculously drunk last night and Lily hadn't thought that either would be up before midday.

Last night. Lily only had vague recollections of what had happened and she was sure that she must have got some of them mixed up with what she had dreamt; such as Remus kissing her. Why would he have done that? It was absurd.

However, Lily frowned – she was almost certain that it had actually happened, but it made no sense. They were friends, they always had been. Even when Lily hadn't been able to stand the sight of James, Sirius and Peter, she had been on speaking terms with Remus. Sure, they had grown closer over the years, and especially over the past few months, but they were still just friends.

Part way through her thoughts, Lily became aware that her throat felt like sandpaper. Unable to lie there now that she had realised this, Lily sat up and swung her legs round to the side of her bed so that she could get up and go downstairs to get a glass of water. This bought on a severe round of dizziness that caused Lily to sit and breathe deeply for a while longer. Lily decided that going to the bathroom to get a drink would be a better idea, instead of traipsing down to the kitchen.

Lily managed to stand up and get to the bathroom without becoming dizzy again. On her way back to her bedroom, her eyes half closed and focusing on where she was putting her feet more than anything else, Lily bumped into something large on the landing. Whatever it was, it grabbed her shoulders to prevent her from falling on the floor but quickly withdrew them.

"Sorry," Lily yawned. She rubbed at one eye and looked at who she had walked into. "Morning Remus."

Even in her barely conscious state Lily could tell that Remus was distracted. He wasn't looking directly at her but his eyes kept flickering to her and away again. When she spoke, Remus flinched.

"Sorry, headache?" said Lily, lowering her voice. "Mine hasn't kicked in yet."

"Yeah, look, Lily, I'm a bit busy at the moment. I've got to –"

"Why are you busy at this time?"

"I –" Lily saw Remus swallow. His eyes still wouldn't settle on her. "I'm packing. Dumbledore came round before, he said something had come up and asked if I could go today. I'm sorry, he told me not to tell anyone what it was."

"I didn't hear the doorbell ring."

"You generally don't when you're asleep," Remus said, letting a small smile colour his face.

"I know, I thought it would have woke me." Lily's brain was starting to work through the fog that the alcohol and sleep had left on her. "What do you want me to do about the Wolfsbane potion? I'm due to start it tomorrow – or the day after – I think."

Remus hesitated before answering. "Don't bother. I don't know when I'll be back. I'll be fine without it."

Lily could tell that he had added the last comment as an afterthought, correctly predicting Lily's next question.

Lily didn't know what else to say, and Remus took her silence to mean that he was excused. He started to hurry up the stairs to the third floor. It was only now that Lily noticed that Remus had an arm looped through a handle of an old rucksack, obviously what he was packing his things in.

"Remus?" Lily called up the stairs after him.

"Yes?" He turned to look at her, but only met her eyes briefly before he looked away.

"You're not being funny with me because of last night, are you? I mean, you'd had so much to drink, and we've friends for ages. It's not that unusual."

Remus did meet her eyes now.

"No, I know. I just want to get this thing for Dumbledore done as soon as possible."

"Ok," said Lily, nodding absent-mindedly. "Be careful."

"You know I will be. Look after yourself, and Harry and Sirius."

Lily watched as Remus finished making his way up the stairs. She went back to bed, hoping for an extra hour or two of sleep before she had to get Harry up, or he'd start screaming.

It felt like Lily had only closed her eyes for a second when she woke up again. This time, the room was bathed in the sunlight that managed to penetrate the curtains. Lily groaned and sat up, feeling the banging of her head start as she did so. She really would have liked to spend the day in bed, but, as that wasn't an option, Lily dragged herself out of bed.

Harry was, unsurprisingly, already awake when Lily went into his room. She took him downstairs, trying to make him be quiet, and she was greeted by Sirius when she entered the kitchen.

"Mfaugh," he said.

Sirius was hunched over the table with one arm propping his head up and a fork in his other hand, pushing around the food on the plate that was in front of him.

"You haven't made that by yourself, have you?" asked Lily, nodding at the plate as she put Harry in his high-chair and took a seat opposite Sirius.

"No, I came down and found three plates along with this on the counter." He dropped the fork with a clatter and waved a piece of parchment in the air. "Remus has gone off to do some job for Dumbledore."

"I know. I got up to get a drink and ran into him while he was packing."

"I don't suppose he told you what he was up to? Anyway, he made us the breakfast."

Lily Summoned the plates from the counter. She knew that, with Remus gone for an indefinite amount of time, this would likely be the last decent meal she'd be having for a while and she tried to make the most of it. This was made difficult by the fact that her stomach didn't seem to want to accept food. Sirius had given up altogether and was helping Harry eat.

When they had finished, Sirius leaned forwards on the table, arms spread wide, and rested his head on it.

"I'm never drinking again," he mumbled.

"You might have said that last time and yet you still do it. At least you're not throwing up this time."

"Yeah," Sirius said slowly. "Thanks for leaving me in the parlour last night, by the way. I couldn't move when I woke up."

"You'd have felt worse if we'd tried to take you up to your bedroom and dropped you on the way."

"There's plenty of bedrooms, you didn't have to take me to mine."

Lily shook her head. "We forgot. We came down here to put the glasses and empty bottles away, and then – then we got too tired and called it a night."

Lily decided against telling Sirius that Remus had kissed her last night, especially with Remus not there. Sirius was likely to jump to conclusions and get angry about it, which wasn't a good idea when Remus wasn't there to explain himself.

"Fine," said Sirius, only pretending to be offended. "Fine. I'll remember that when you're passed out drunk."

"I don't get drunk enough to pass out."

"Right." Sirius stood up. "Do you reckon Petunia will kill me for turning up hungover?"

"Probably. Does anything actually happen when you're there?"

"Nope, unless you count her brat eating the house. He eats constantly, it's ridiculous. Anything you want me to tell her?"

"I don't think so; just tell her I said hi."

Sirius left. Lily didn't think she had the energy to move out of her seat and was quite content to sit there all day. Harry had other ideas; he was beginning to get frustrated at sitting in his high-chair and had started calling her.

"Mummy.  _Mummy_."

"I know, Harry," Lily said. She forced herself to get up to go look in some of the cupboards. Harry's toys were scattered around the house, put into various drawers and cupboards when they were getting in the way. Lily found some in a cupboard containing pots and pans and dumped them unceremoniously on the floor. Then, she picked Harry up out of his high-chair and put him next to his toys. He immediately picked one up and tried to put it in his mouth.

Lily sighed. She sat back down and made sure that Harry was in sight while she rested her head on her arms on the table.

She spent the morning like that, occasionally drifting off to sleep but jerking back awake, while watching Harry in case he tried to get into any mischief. At one point, Kreacher sneaked down the stairs, and Lily saw Harry's eyes light up before she ordered Kreacher out. He grudgingly obeyed; Sirius had ordered him to obey herself and Remus not long after they had started living there.

Lunchtime came, and Lily felt less like moving than she had when she first woke up. She was debating whether she would be able to make something to eat, put everything away and wash up purely by magic and without leaving her seat when the doorbell rang. This forced Lily to get up and answer the door.

Upon reaching the hallway, Lily reflexively flicked her wand at the screaming portrait of Walburga Black. They really were going to have to do something more permanent about it, Lily thought. She wondered if setting fire to it would destroy it or just leave a screaming charred mess in its place.

It was Seth on the other side of the door when Lily opened it.

"Err… Good morning?" he said, stepping into the house.

"Do I look that bad?"

Seth considered Lily's question for a moment before answering.

"I've seen worse."

Seth followed Lily back down to the kitchen where she resumed her previous position.

"You're suffering from last night then?"

"Yes," Lily groaned. "I didn't think I was that bad, I could think straight."

"Are Sirius and Remus still in bed?"

"No, they've been up and gone out. I have no idea how they did it."

"I'm surprised that they could, they were both pretty far gone."

"I think Sirius passed out just after you left so he had longer to sleep it off. Remus… should have to still be in bed."

"How come he's gone out so early?"

"Oh, he's doing a favour for – um – a friend."

Seth raised his eyebrows.

"Come on, Lily, you can tell me. I'm not going to shout about it in the Leaky Cauldron later."

There was a possibility that, if it had been anything else, Lily would have told him. As it was, Order business was strictly confidential, it was an underground society that only those in it were supposed to know about (as well as Voldemort and the Death Eaters), and there was little Lily could tell Seth about what Remus was doing anyway.

"I'm sorry," said Lily as she shook her head. "I really can't. It's not my business to tell and I barely know anything about it."

"You told me about Remus."

"No, you guessed and I didn't deny it. There's a difference."

"Right," laughed Seth.

A loud rumbling noise filled the kitchen. Lily looked longingly at the pantry.

"Was that you?" asked Seth.

"It was my stomach. I'm hungry but I don't want to move."

"What a dilemma." Seth stood up and started walking to the other side of the kitchen, towards the pantry door.

"What are you doing?"

"Going to the pantry. I'll make us lunch."

"You don't have to," Lily said, half making the effort to get up.

"I get the feeling that if I don't then we're not going to get to eat anything."

"Thank you." Lily put her head back on the table.

Not too long later, the sound of Seth putting plates on the table made Lily look up. A plate of sandwiches stood a few inches from her face and Seth was now attempting to pick Harry up. Harry was having none of this and whenever Seth took a step towards him, Harry would crawl away from him.

"Oh, Harry, behave," said Lily, and, with a great effort, she pushed her chair away from the table and got up. She picked Harry up (rather more roughly than she perhaps should have) and placed him in his high-chair. Lily sat back down, catching sight of Harry's face as she did so.

He was staring at her, his eyes wide and the corners of his mouth drooping slightly. He looked ready to burst into tears. Lily sighed, her annoyance with him swiftly disappearing.

"Alright, if you eat up I'll get Sirius' nuisance toy out for you."

This must have been an acceptable apology because Harry picked up a fistful of food from his plate and stuffed it in his mouth.

Lily looked at her own plate, not even moving to touch it.

"I haven't poisoned it, you know," said Seth.

Lily grimaced. "You're never going to let me live the suspiciousness down, are you? It's not that, I just don't feel well."

"No. Is it the hangover?"

"I'm pretty sure it is. How come you're ok?"

"Obviously you don't remember, but I didn't drink as much as the rest of you did. I prefer not to waste the next day feeling as if I want to vomit, and I thought I was going to be working today."

"How come you're not?"

"I went in but they sent me home. Nothing of importance was happening apparently."

Lily pulled the plate closer towards her. "You didn't have to come round."

"I saw you last night. I thought you'd need looking after."

"I'm not that bad," scoffed Lily.

"I just had to make your lunch," Seth said with a smile.

Lily didn't reply but started eating the food Seth had prepared.


	31. Chapter Thirty One

A few days later, and Lily and Sirius hadn't heard from Remus. Lily had thought - maybe  _hoped_  was more appropriate – that he would send his patronus occasionally to say that he was alright. In any case, he hadn't, and Lily's habit of worrying about everything and everyone presented itself yet again. This time was different, however. Sirius did not start teasing her about it for the most part; he knew just as well as her how dangerous the war was getting, especially since Remus was attacked at the last full moon. Doing missions for Dumbledore always constituted taking a risk that you wouldn't return, or at least not in one piece.

Lily was finding it difficult to adjust to Remus not being there, even though he had only been at Grimmauld Place during the evenings for the past month. A pressing silence often fell over her and Sirius without Remus there, leaving them with their thoughts for company, which only led to Sirius bringing out a bottle of Firewhiskey or wine earlier than he used to. He hadn't started drinking before Lily took Harry to bed yet, so she hadn't tried to stop him, but some days he had already half-emptied a glass when she came back downstairs. The depressing atmosphere during the evening wasn't helped by Sirius turning on the radio to listen to the newsreader name those who had disappeared or died each day. Lily knew he was only doing it to make sure that Remus' name wasn't on the list, and she always felt relieved when it wasn't, but hearing the names of people whose families were grieving for them didn't make her feel better.

Lily was suffering in other ways too: she now had various cuts on her hands from making the meals and no one was particularly enjoying the food that she prepared. But that was the least of Lily's trouble; while before she had been able to sleep most nights with the occasional nightmares or sleepless nights, now her subconscious appeared to think it prudent to replace some of the peaceful nights with dreams of Remus being attacked or ones involving James and Remus, which were infinitely worse. Lily often awoke from these confused and upset and unable to fall asleep again. When this happened, she had hoped that going down to the kitchen would help her sleep, as it had previously, but to no avail. This resulted in Lily being in a horrible mood most days.

It was on these days that Lily was most thankful for the various visitors that visited them at Grimmauld Place. Of these, Seth was the most frequent, as Frank and Alice were too busy a lot of the time, and more than once they had had to go into the office on their days off due to an emergency.

Seth had visited that day, arriving shortly after Sirius had left, but his visits were becoming monotonous. They frequently fell into silences between making small talk, which was when Lily's thoughts would take control of her once more.

"Lily. Lily? You know it's nearly six o'clock, right? I'm going to have to leave soon."

Lily looked up. She had zoned out and wasn't entirely aware of what was going on around her. She was sat on one of the big armchairs in the parlour with Harry playing on the floor beside her and Seth on the other armchair opposite. He was staring at her, slightly worried.

"Sorry, I zoned out. What was that?"

"It's nearly six, you need to make dinner and I should be going."

"Oh," said Lily. She shook her head to put her brain back into focus.

"Aren't you feeling well?"

"I'm tired," Lily admitted. "I didn't sleep last night."

The previous night had been a bad one, even worse than usual if that was possible. After a few hours of her mind's constant thinking about less than pleasant topics, she had managed to sleep until she had been woken by the oldest nightmare of all – a flashback to  _that_  Halloween evening.

"Are you going to be ok?"

"Yes, I'll be fine." Then, Lily had an idea; something that might make that evening sat in silence with Sirius slightly more bearable. "You know, you don't have to leave. You could stay for dinner."

"You don't just want help cooking do you?" asked Seth, his eyes narrow but a smile on his face.

"No, but now you mention it." Lily grinned. "And it'll be nice to have another person here."

"Don't you get on with Sirius?"

"If I didn't I would have killed him before now, living here with him. We don't seem to talk much in the evenings and then he starts drinking."

"You don't think he should?"

"Of course not. He never used to, it's only since James…" Lily's voice trailed off. She did her best to avoid thinking of him now, in case her mind merged those thoughts with her worries for Remus at night. "So you're staying then?"

"I suppose so. To the kitchen?"

"To the kitchen," Lily said, and got up, heading towards the door.

"What about Harry?"

Lily glanced at Harry, still playing on the floor. He didn't look as if he'd miss them, being too absorbed in what he was playing.

"He'll be fine. I'll come up and get him when dinner's nearly finished, he'll probably start crying if I take him away from his toys now."

They went down to the kitchen. Lily was grateful that Seth was helping her make dinner; it made the process much faster and safer, not to mention that things were less likely to be overcooked when there were two people looking after them.

Halfway through cooking, the usual screams started coming from Walburga's portrait upstairs. They were quickly silenced and not long after, Sirius descended into the kitchen carrying Harry.

"Hey," he said. "How come you left Harry on his own upstairs? Hi, Seth."

"He was fine on his own," said Lily, poking at the potatoes with a fork to see if they were cooked yet.

"Until he gets bored and sets the room on fire."

"Harry's never set anything on fire, and I was going up in a minute to get him. Nothing happened, Sirius, it's ok. Stop worrying."

Sirius snorted. "Right, says the one."

"I think I know my son better than I know any Death Eaters that are out there."

Sirius sat down, not even offering to help make the meal. Lily might have thought he was being rude, but they both knew that he was worse than she was at cooking, as had been proved when he had tried to make dinner the other day. It had taken Lily a long time to get rid of the taste of burnt beans on toast in her mouth.

"Have you heard anything from Moony?" asked Sirius.

"No. But no news is good news, right?" Even to herself Lily didn't sound convinced that what she said was true.

"Something like that," Sirius muttered. "At least we know he hasn't been found dead in a field –"

"Sirius!"

"Sorry. I was just saying."

"How do you know that means he hasn't been killed?" Seth enquired.

"The Death Eaters don't have a habit of killing people and hiding the bodies away somewhere, they prefer to show off how many people they're killing."

"Oh, I get it. So you think if Remus was caught by them they'd kill him and leave you to find the body somewhere. But what if they didn't want to kill him?"

"Why are we having this conversation?" Lily muttered, more to herself than anything.

"Then he'd be held hostage somewhere and we'd have the chance to find him. As long as we haven't heard that he's been killed then everything's alright."

"Not this meal, though," said Lily with a grimace. "Can we stop talking about whether Remus is ok or not? I'm going to sleep less than I already do."

"Sorry, Lily. Do you need some help there?"

"You can get the plates out of the cupboard," Lily said, pointing her wand at a cupboard that opened.

They were too busy to talk then; each of them was concentrating on making sure they didn't ruin dinner at the last minute. The silence continued throughout dinner and Lily was starting to think that inviting Seth to stay wasn't going to help change the mood no matter how hard he tried. She was already regretting forcing him to suffer through the evening by the time their plates were cleared and was trying to think of some way she could get him alone to tell him he could leave if he wanted when Sirius started talking.

"How come you're still here, Seth? You're usually gone by now."

"Lily asked me to stay a bit longer."

"She did?" Sirius looked towards Lily for confirmation with his eyebrows raised. Lily nodded and started collecting the plates.

"Yes, shouldn't I have?"

"No, it's ok.

Sirius leaned back in his chair and looked as if he was thinking about something important. After a few minutes of him remaining silent, in which time Lily had collected the plates and set them to washing themselves in the sink, she decided that if he was going to share any gems of wisdom he would have, and it was ok to interrupt his thoughts.

"How's Petunia?"

Sirius looked up at the question.

"She's fine. Did I tell you that their house has almost been fixed back up?"

"I didn't even know they'd started it!" Lily was shocked at how Sirius had failed to mention something that important.

"I thought I'd told you. They're moving back in in a few weeks I think."

"Who are we talking about?" Seth asked, looking from Lily to Sirius.

"Petunia, my sister – our sister," Lily corrected herself.

"Right, she was attacked by Death Eaters before Christmas, wasn't she? I think you said that."

"Yes, you'd think it would make her a bit more grateful to have someone around that can protect her," said Sirius.

"She's never liked wizards, she's not going to change now. What are you going to do when they've moved back? Stay at hers during the day?"

"I think so, just because they're moving house doesn't mean they're not on a hit list. I don't know why I'm still going round, Death Eaters must have other plans as they've not made a move on them again."

"You don't know that, and you complained when you had nothing to do all day."

"But I'm not doing anything there! I sit around and try not to annoy anyone."

"That's why you're so annoying when you get back here, then? you've had to bottle it up all day so you release it where it's safe."

Seth laughed, Sirius didn't.

"Very funny. It wouldn't hurt you to be nice to me once in a while."

"Let's call it payback." Lily stood up. "Come on, I'm not sitting down here all evening."

Lily picked Harry up and Seth got to his feet. However, Sirius didn't move.

"Payback? What do you mean, payback?"

"For all the times I caught you sneaking out of the Common Room at Hogwarts and then you spent the next day insulting me behind my back."

"How do you even know about that?" asked Sirius, getting to his feet.

"You sat behind me in most of our classes."

"Oh." Sirius stayed quiet as they ascended the stairs, finally whispering, "Sorry about that," when they reached the hallway.

"It's alright," replied Lily once they were in the parlour and out of hearing of Sirius' mother's portrait, "I heard when you were complimenting me as well."

"I don't remember ever doing that."

They sat down, with Lily and Sirius continuing their conversation.

"You did. It might have been mixed in with an insult, that's probably why you don't remember it."

Lily happened to glance at Seth, and she laughed at the bemused expression on his face.

"What?" He asked, defensively.

"Nothing, you look a bit confused."

"I'm just listening to you two."

"Well, I'm glad our arguments amuse someone," said Sirius, and he changed the subject.

Despite her earlier thoughts, Lily thought that inviting Seth to stay longer had helped to get rid of the miserable atmosphere that she had become accustomed to over the past few days. Sirius didn't bring out the Firewhiskey and Lily was thinking maybe the evening wouldn't be so bad, until he turned on the radio at ten o'clock to listen to the news, which always ended with the list of the disappeared or dead.

No one had to tell anyone to be silent while it was read out. Lily held her breath until the list was over, and she released it in a sigh of relief when it chose to leave then, and Lily showed him to the door, thanking him for staying.

When she went back into the parlour to re-join Sirius, he was already pouring liquid into a glass from a bottle clearly labelled as Ogden's Old Firewhiskey.


	32. Chapter Thirty Two

Matters in Number 12 Grimmauld Place didn't improve. Sirius grew more sullen as the week progressed, which had a negative effect on Lily's mood. If it hadn't been for Harry, who revelled in childish pursuits like any ordinary one-year-old, Lily thought she might have gone crazy. It didn't help to reduce her fear for Remus and she still couldn't bear to listen to the news report (even though she forced herself to anyway) but taking care of him helped keep her adequately busy and cheered her up enough so that she didn't resort to joining Sirius in the evening and drowning her sorrows.

With Lily's anxiety paramount anyway, when Dumbledore called an emergency meeting she thought she was going to faint.

As it was, she only paled and felt her face go deathly cold when the phoenix patronus arrived halfway through dinner, causing them to abandon the less than satisfying meal. After quickly arguing over who would stay at Grimmauld Place to look after Harry, Lily and Sirius agreed to take him with them as neither one wanted to miss the meeting and Harry hadn't been outside since they had moved in back in December.

They were one of the first to arrive at headquarters. It wasn't long until everyone else came, though, the living room went from nearly empty to overcrowded in ten minutes. It was full of people murmuring – apparently no one was quite sure as to what had happened to qualify for the need of a meeting.

"I thought one of you would have stayed at home with Harry."

Lily was startled by the voice coming from behind her. She looked and saw Frank and Alice standing there. They must have entered without Lily noticing and made their way around everyone to get next to Lily and Sirius.

"Neither of us wanted to miss the meeting, so he had to come with us. Do you know what this is about? There hasn't been an emergency in months."

"I know. We've no idea."

"Aw, come on," Sirius interrupted, "you're Aurors. You've got to know something about what's going on."

"Nope. Sorry, Sirius." Alice shook her head.

The words had barely left Alice's mouth when the door opened, allowing the last three people to enter: McGonagall, Hagrid and Dumbledore. They were all wearing looks of utmost solemnity.

Dumbledore briefly glanced around the room, acknowledging everyone's presence. Then, he led the way into the dining room and took the seat at the head of the table. Everyone followed and quickly settled into their seats.

Dumbledore didn't bother with frivolities such as his usual welcome or inquiring as to why anyone was absent.

"We've known for a while now that Voldemort had plans involving the werewolves, but we haven't been able to gain information on what they were. One of my spies contacted me this afternoon." Dumbledore gave a small sigh before carrying on. "Lord Voldemort intends to use the werewolves to attack the Ministry at the next full moon, which I believe is next week."

There was a stunned silence following this statement, one that was quickly broken by numerous voices asking questions that were indistinguishable from each other. Dumbledore had to raise his hand to gain silence again.

"Now, we will have to work fast in order to prevent this. Alastor, you can alert the Ministry?"

"Yes, they're not likely to listen, though," Moody growled.

"Do your best to make them," Dumbledore said, grimly. Then, he looked around the table expectantly but didn't appear to find who he was looking for. Instead he turned to Lily and Sirius, his eyes making note of Harry in Lily's arms. "Why isn't Remus here?"

Lily frowned.

"What do you mean? He left last week. He said you'd visited and something had come up that you wanted him to – to do."

Lily knew long before she had finished that this had not happened. The confused expression on Dumbledore's face told her all she needed to know; he needn't have said what he did next:

"I certainly never said that to Remus, nor did I visit Grimmauld Place last week."

Lily's mind went into overdrive. Why? Why would Remus lie to her? Lie to them? Why would he even want to go away?

These were, however, ridiculous questions.

Because Lily already knew their answer.

But it made no sense; it wasn't that big a deal. Not big enough to warrant him running away because of it. It was an overreaction, it had to be. All she would have to do was send him her patronus to talk to him, to help him realise that it didn't matter, that she didn't think badly of him. They had been ridiculously drunk, many people did much worse than kiss their friend when they were that drunk. It was in the past, it didn't matter to Lily, and it shouldn't matter to Remus.

"Why would he lie to us?" asked Sirius "Are you sure he didn't say anything else when you spoke to him? Lily – Lily? Are you ok?"

Lily didn't know what her face looked like in order for Sirius to ask how she was. All she knew was that Remus had ran away from her.

"Remus ran away." Lily felt her lips form the words but wasn't aware of telling them to. She had completely forgotten that the room was full of curious Order members; nothing else mattered except that Remus was putting himself into danger just to get away from her. "It's my fault."

"That doesn't make sense. How is it your fault?"

"I – " Lily was more likely to hand Harry over to Voldemort than tell Sirius what had happened after he'd passed out on Remus' birthday. "I should have known something was up. I was the last to see him, I could have –"

"Lily, this is not your fault," Dumbledore said. He looked as if he was trying to figure out the situation, but was missing one crucial piece. Because no one apart from Lily and Remus knew what the missing piece was. A moment later, Dumbledore took control of the situation, "Alastor, get a missing person report filed for Remus at the Auror office, if you mention that he's a werewolf then they'll put more of an effort to find him before the full moon. Elphias and Dedalus, I want you to continue alternating nights at Petunia Dursley's, when you're not there I need you to continue Remus' search for the werewolf base – I'll let you see the reports he made for me. Emmeline, you can help track down this base as well. Mundungus, talk to your associates, see if they've seen or heard of where Remus might have been, although he probably won't be staying in one place or where he's likely to be seen. Sturgis, can you start tracking Rookwood? He works at the Ministry and we know he's a Death Eater, even if no one else does. He might be helping plan the werewolf attack."

Everyone that Dumbledore asked to help nodded, while Lily sat frozen, unable to move, or even think past the fact that Remus wasn't on a top-secret mission for Dumbledore. Sirius seemed to be having the same sort of reaction that she had, except he was frowning; most likely trying to work out why Remus had left.

Dumbledore had carried on speaking; Lily had to force herself to listen to what he was saying.

"- on their guard, any suspicious behaviour at all should be made a note of. I don't want this to get to us waiting to ambush the werewolves on their way in. We've got just over a week to stop this happening."

When he finished talking, Dumbledore looked around the table. Lily didn't dare breathe, and she felt, not for the first time, as if she was not doing her bit to help the Order. She knew it was impossible for her to help – Harry had to be looked after by someone – but sitting there, listening how the others were going to have to put their lives in danger to prevent this made her feel useless. And now they had to split resources to help find Remus, when if she'd actually talked to him properly the morning after then he might not have left.

Lily realised that her thoughts were going off on a tangent again just as Emmeline spoke up,

"But, Dumbledore – why has he decided to do this now? He hasn't really gained enough strength to take over the Ministry has he?"

"I think he thinks he's gained enough to start an attack. He's been gathering support for nearly twelve years now and it's possible that it's reached a peak. If he doesn't start moving onto something bigger then the support might decline," answered Dumbledore. "Attacking Harry didn't work, and his other possible options would be to target the Ministry… or me." He smiled tightly. "I can assure you that targeting myself would not be a simple task, Lord Voldemort would find it easier to take over the Ministry than to defeat me."

"Is using the werewolves going to work though? Sunset is getting later now, won't the Ministry have closed by the time the werewolves have transformed?"

Dumbledore looked towards the members who worked at the Ministry for an answer.

"Everyone's working overtime with the state we're in, I left at nine the other day," said Frank. "Sunset's at about six, I think. The Ministry will be as full as midday."

Frank's words left the room in silence. What would happen if they failed to prevent the werewolves passed through Lily's mind, and there were no words to describe the carnage she imagined. It would give Voldemort a huge advantage by killing and infecting hundreds of people, making it easier for him to take over a later date, if he didn't manage it next week.

Lily felt herself start shaking, but no one was paying attention to anyone else – they were all too wrapped up in their own thoughts. She thought she heard Dumbledore carry on the meeting as normal, but she wasn't paying attention and she didn't attempt to. Lily's mind was too busy for her to process any new information.

At last, everyone started getting up from their chairs and Lily realised that the meeting was over. She followed suit without thinking about it, until she heard someone call her name.

Lily looked up. Dumbledore was stood by the chair he had vacated. Elphias, Dedalus and Emmeline were stood near him looking awkward. Emmeline kept shifting her weight from one leg to the other, and occasionally glancing at Dedalus.

"Yes?"

Dumbledore took a step towards her and Lily realised that he had called Sirius' name as well, as he had stopped just behind her.

"Do you have any idea why Remus would have left?" he asked softly.

Lily swallowed. She knew that she should tell Dumbledore, any information could help to find Remus, but Lily couldn't bring herself to tell him. It was a stupid reason to leave, any sane person would have just talked to her about it, but no, not Remus. Even if Lily did tell Dumbledore, she had a feeling that he wouldn't believe her that it was the real reason.

Beside her, Sirius was shaking his head.

"No," Lily said finally. "Sorry."

Dumbledore nodded. "Try not to worry, I'm sure we'll find him soon. I'll get in touch if I find out anything."

"Thanks," said Sirius, his voice rough.

They left, not speaking until they were back in Grimmauld Place and Lily was closing the front door behind them.

"It doesn't make sense," Sirius said. He didn't have to say anything else; Lily knew what he was talking about. This didn't mean that she wanted to talk about it.

She made a non-committal noise in the back of her throat. "I'm going to put Harry to bed."

Lily took her time getting Harry ready, deciding that he needed a bath when he'd had one the day before, and insisting on reading him a bedtime story. When she went back downstairs, Lily expected Sirius to be drinking, but he wasn't. Instead, he was sat in one of the armchairs staring blankly forwards. At first glance, Lily thought that she would have preferred it if he had been drinking.

"I thought it was him, you know," he said as Lily sat down on the sofa. "Before… I thought Remus was the traitor. Afterwards, I knew that he couldn't have been, it was stupid to think he was. But now… Why else would he have gone?"

Lily was alarmed that Sirius was actually considering this. She supposed it was a possible explanation, even if it was as far away from the truth as it could be.

"He isn't. Remus isn't a Death Eater."

"How do you know? He could be under the Imperius Curse, or he got fed up, it's not like the Ministry treats werewolves any better than Voldemort would. And he didn't just leave, he lied to us. He doesn't do that unless he's got something to hide."

Lily took a deep breath. "This is Remus we're talking about, I don't believe it. Why would he join the people who killed his best friend?"

Sirius, who had sat up and appeared more intimidating in anger, deflated, staring at his feet.

"I know, and he wouldn't have. I just don't know why he'd do this to us." Sirius paused and looked up at Lily. "It's James' birthday next week."

"I know." Lily didn't know what else to say. She had known it was coming for weeks, though nothing had been planned and she had avoided thinking about it too much. Lily had assumed that they would be visiting Godric's Hollow and hadn't felt it necessary to ask.

"We are going, aren't we?"

"Of course."

Silence stretched between them with neither of them attempting to break it. They were content with their thoughts for company, despite their thoughts not being the nicest place to be at the moment.

Not long after, Sirius left without saying a word. Lily followed him shortly afterwards, not wanting to stay downstairs on her own. Before going into her own bedroom, Lily went to check on Harry.

She didn't normally do this, but tonight was different. Lily knew she wouldn't be able to sleep and she didn't see the point in lying awake in bed for hours, she was emotionally drained, but Lily had ample experience to know that that wasn't enough to help her sleep.

Lily needed to return to normality, even if it wasn't for long.

Lily sat on the chair next to Harry's cot and watched him sleep. She didn't know how long she watched him for, however, it had it's desired effect. Lily's thoughts became hazy until they were barely making sense to her, and, eventually, she fell asleep.


	33. Chapter Thirty Three

The week passed with no word of Remus or any more information about the werewolf attack on the Ministry. They still didn't know where the werewolf base was and had no idea of Voldemort's plan, except that he was using the werewolves to attack the Ministry. It truly was a dire situation they were in, and Lily could see it coming to the Order having to guard the Ministry entrance on the Sunday evening. But even that was not guaranteed to work: the Order might be massively outnumbered, or the werewolves could have Death Eaters with them to attack anyone who tried to stop them.

If that wasn't enough, Lily knew that Sirius would quite literally beg Dumbledore to allow him to be there. She knew he had a point – he had dealt with Remus at the full moon while at school – but Lily didn't know what she'd do if something happened to him. She couldn't lose anyone else.

However, all of that took a back seat for Lily when she awoke on the Saturday morning. Sirius had persuaded Elphias to stay at Mrs Figg's house with Petunia longer so that he could go with Lily and Harry to visit Godric's Hollow in the morning. They had decided that it would be best to keep this visit as low-key as possible, so it would just be the two of them and Harry going. They had promised Dumbledore and the rest of the Order that they wouldn't stay long in order for there to be less chance that any Death Eaters would be able to start an attack on them. They didn't think there would be – Voldemort's plan to attack the Ministry seemed to be a pretty clear sign that he'd given up on Harry for the time being – but it was better to be safe than sorry.

In the days beforehand, Lily hadn't known how she felt about visiting Godric's Hollow, she just knew that she had to do it. Now, however, she realised that she wanted to go. It was something she knew that she needed to do it and, while it would not be pleasant, she wanted to be there to put flowers on James' grave on what would have been his twenty-second birthday.

There was no strict schedule for that morning, but Lily felt as if she was rushing trying to get ready. She couldn't find any clothes of Harry's that weren't dirty or ripped for him to wear and after more than half an hour searching for some, Lily eventually gave up in frustration, knowing that if James could see her he'd be laughing. For all she knew, he was.

When they went downstairs, Lily could immediately tell that Sirius was in a glum mood. He grunted a "good morning" to her and went back to playing with the bowl of cereal he had in front of him. Fortunately, he cheered up slightly while they had breakfast and was helping Lily get Harry ready to leave before long. Lily was greatly thankful for his change in mood; she didn't think she'd be able to cope with him if he was going to be sullen all morning.

On their way out, Lily had to be reminded to pick up the flowers they'd got to put on the grave. She rushed down to the kitchen to get them, double-checking that she had her wand while she was there. She did, and Sirius had her cloak out for her in one arm and Harry in the other when she re-entered the hallway.

"Are we ready?" asked Lily, awkwardly putting her cloak on with one hand.

"I think so."

Sirius opened the front door and a gust of wind entered the hall, blowing Lily's hair about her face. She held onto the bouquet of flowers tightly and followed Sirius onto the front step of the house. He locked the door behind him, Lily grabbed his arm, and they Disapparated.

Lily's feet hit solid ground in a short alleyway surrounded on both sides by tall trees. The alleyway was somewhat winding, so that they couldn't see the street that it led onto. Quickly, they exited the alley, Sirius checking behind them as they did with his hand in his pocket, obviously gripped around his wand just in case of an emergency.

When they came onto the street, Lily recognised it straight away. She was surprised she hadn't recognised the alleyway – she had used it often enough. They turned left, but Lily knew that if she had looked to the right, she would have seen the ruin that used to be her home. She purposefully didn't look behind her as they made their way up the street to the little church that sat in centre of the village.

The day was a relatively nice one for March. It was cloudy, but every now and then the clouds would part and Lily would step into a patch of sunlight that instantly warmed her. The gardens that they passed were full of flowers in bloom, and the trees were losing their nakedness that came with winter and were starting to become adorned with blossom petals. Walking through the village, Lily remembered why she had fallen in love with it, but that didn't erase the fact that it was haunted for her now.

They reached the village square in no time at all. It looked the same as always, though was busier than usual today due to the good weather. People sat on benches around the square, talking to their neighbours, showing each other what they had bought, while some were just relaxing. Lily and Sirius kept their heads down and made a beeline for the kissing-gate that marked the entrance to the churchyard in case anyone recognised them.

"Do you think Remus will have been?" Lily asked as they walked through the maze of gravestones.

Sirius didn't reply. Lily knew that she was being very optimistic by thinking that Remus would have been, as far as she knew he hadn't been keeping track of the days and he probably wouldn't want to run into her here of all places. It didn't stop her hoping that he had finally decided that he was overreacting and would come back.

They walked until they reached a yew tree in blossom near the back of the graveyard. Some of the petals had fallen around the few gravestones that stood nearby, but there were no other flowers or mementos beside the one that was closest to it that could be evidence of anyone else visiting.

"It's still early, he might want to come later…" said Lily. She looked down at the grave as she spoke, fumbling with the flowers in her hand as she spoke.

"Why do want him to visit so much?" Sirius asked softly.

Lily looked up at him.

"I don't – know. I suppose I thought we might see him here." Lily glanced around the small graveyard. It was empty, with only the trees that blocked the view of the square moving in the slight breeze. Occasionally, someone would walk past the gate that led into the graveyard, passing by on their way to the pub, or one of the small shops that made up the village square.

She turned back to the marble gravestone with its inscription. The last time they had visited, it had been difficult to distinguish it from the snowy background, now the white contrasted with the grass and wildflowers that were starting to grow around each of the graves.

Lily knelt down to place the red roses she was carrying on James' grave and stood back up. She couldn't take her eyes off the white marble, not even turning when Sirius put his arm around her.

Soon, Lily felt herself start shaking and, not long after, the tears came. She leaned into Sirius to support her.

Twenty-two; James hadn't even made it to twenty-two. It was all Lily could think about. Four years out of school and already lost. It was too young, they were all too young to be doing this. They shouldn't have to be fighting this war, watching everyone around them die while all the time wondering when their time would be up. It wasn't fair.

Lily felt something tugging on her hair, and she turned slightly to see Harry reaching towards her. She couldn't look at him for long before it wasn't Harry she was seeing, but James in miniature. Lily looked away quickly, trying to stop herself becoming hysterical.

"Mummy," came Harry's small voice. At the sound of it, Lily's resolve almost broke; even though he was barely a toddler, she could hear the pain in his voice as he watched her crying.

She reached for Harry, and Sirius gave him over to her, making sure that she had hold of him properly before letting go. Lily held her son close to her, the only true reminder of what James had meant to her. The photographs were fine, but they only captured the moment, and even then, usually only the happy ones. But James had meant more to her than that, he had been with her through the happy and sad. He had been her rock – unmoveable, unbreakable – when the rest of their lives had been falling apart around them. It hadn't mattered what else was happening outside, because she had known that he was there for her, that he would do what he could to protect her.

And he had. He had made the ultimate sacrifice so that she and Harry were safe.

It took Lily a long time to cry herself out; as if she was making up for all the times she had avoided thinking about him in order to carry on with her life. When she did, Lily took a deep breath and squeezed Harry tightly.

Sirius seemed to notice that she'd had enough. He took his arm from around her and moved so that he could look her in the eye.

"Are you ok?"

Lily nodded, ignoring the new tears that sprung into her eyes as she did so. It was a stupid question, and they both knew it. Of course she wasn't ok, but she had been much worse and didn't think she could stay there much longer.

They walked back through the graveyard. When they reached the gate, Lily looked back. She couldn't see the yew tree that indicated the site of James' grave. With the flowers in bloom, it was a rather beautiful place, for a graveyard.

Lily noticed Sirius watching her expectantly. She turned around and hurried down the side street that they had walked down to reach the square. Lily kept her eyes down until they reached the little alleyway that they had Apparated into. They waited to make sure that there was no one around before they Disapparated.

They arrived back in the dank and dismal Grimmauld Place, on the front step of number 12. Sirius unlocked the front door and went in ahead of Lily, Stunning the portrait of his mother before she could start screaming.

Lily followed Sirius into the parlour. She stopped abruptly when she saw him rooting in a cabinet that she knew contained only alcohol.

"Sirius," she said, fighting to keep her voice steady.

He looked up, and Lily could see a wine bottle in one hand and two glasses in the other. Sirius poured the wine into both of the glasses and passed one to Lily, who took it in her free hand.

"James," said Sirius, holding his glass up.

Lily raised her glass as well. "James," she repeated, and drank.


	34. Chapter Thirty Four

Sirius didn't go to Mrs Figg's straight away. Instead, he hung around Grimmauld Place with Lily until it seemed as if he had forgotten he had to go. They made quiet conversation that mostly centred on reminiscing about daft things James had done, and this turned the atmosphere in the house from a grief-stricken one to laughter filled. Soon, it was tears of laughter that filled Lily's eyes and while sadness did creep over her from time to time, when it did Lily made an effort to not let it take her over and she would think about the time when James had tried to convince her, during one of his many attempts to impress her, that he could fit a Fanged Frisbee in his mouth. He had spent the entire next day in the hospital wing.

They'd been doing this for an hour or so when the doorbell rang. Lily went to answer, and it was Seth. He had known that they were visiting James' grave that morning and when he saw Lily he asked how she was feeling.

"I'm ok," Lily said.

"It wasn't too bad this morning, then?"

"No, it felt right being there, to be honest. Come on, Sirius is still here. I don't think he wants to go."

"He never wants to go," said Seth as Lily went back into the parlour.

"Well, there is that." Lily sat back down, picking up Harry on her way back to her seat as he was in serious danger of crawling headfirst into something while he played on the floor. Sirius groaned when he saw Seth enter.

"That's welcoming to hear," Seth said, sitting down.

"No, now you've come it means I really should be going. I don't want to." Sirius pouted.

"Sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to, Sirius. I mean, I have to stay here with nothing to do except look after Harry." Lily grinned wickedly. In reply, Sirius gave her a look that should have caused her to drop dead, but she only laughed.

"Fine," grumbled Sirius as he stood up and stretched. He had just said goodbye to them all when the doorbell rang again. They looked at each other in confusion for perhaps half a second – no one else had said that they would visit today – until Lily caught Sirius' eye and she knew who would be at the door and what it meant.

Lily stood up too and without speaking, followed Sirius into the hallway. Her laughter had gone and had been replaced with anxiety; had they found Remus and persuaded him to come back? Or was it bad news, had he been killed? Lily's stomach squirmed at this thought and she banished it from her mind.

Time seemed to have slowed down, it took them an age to reach the front door and for Sirius to open it. Lily could feel her heart pounding in her chest. They ignored the screaming portrait of Sirius' mum.

Dumbledore stepped over the threshold, and any hope that Lily might have had immediately disappeared at the sight of the expression on his face. He wasn't alone, and he didn't speak until Emmeline Vance had also entered and the front door had closed. By this time, Seth had come into the hallway, curious as to what was happening. He stopped, wide-eyed, at the sight of the guests. No one acknowledged his entrance, Dumbledore spoke directly to Lily and Sirius:

"There's been a development in the situation. We think we know where Remus is." Lily breathed inwards sharply, but Dumbledore had already carried on with what he was saying. "Emmeline thinks she's found the werewolf base and while she was scouting it she heard some Death Eater guards talking about a werewolf they'd taken prisoner."

Lily felt faint and a mixture of emotions overwhelmed her; relieved that they had found the werewolf base and could prevent the catastrophe tomorrow, glad that they'd found Remus, scared at the thought of what the Death Eaters could have done to him. She almost hoped that it wasn't Remus that the Death Eaters had captured, but if it was then it meant that they could rescue him, which was only a good thing.

"How do you know it's him?" asked Sirius, his voice sounded as if it had lost all emotion, but Lily knew him well enough to know that it was his way of reacting to these things; inside he would be heaving with emotion.

"There are very few werewolves who do not already support Lord Voldemort, but Emmeline, you said –"

"They were talking about getting information on Harry out of him. It could only have been Remus," said Emmeline.

"Where is he?" Lily asked, her mind kicking into gear. There was no time to waste.

"In what looks like an old warehouse, just to the south of the town of Yewhorn. I'm calling a –"

"Sirius, where's the Invisibility Cloak?" Lily asked, talking over Dumbledore after meeting Sirius' eyes and he nodded slightly.

"In the kitchen on one of the hooks near the pantry," said Sirius. "I'll get it."

Sirius turned on the spot and ran down the hallway, still ignoring his mother's wails, but not before Dumbledore had started to reprimand them.

"Lily, you can't do this. The Death Eaters will have the tightest security there and you'll need a plan to even get in, if you do this on your own –"

"Sorry, Dumbledore. We've got to do this." Lily pushed Harry into Dumbledore's arms and turned around at the sound of Sirius' footsteps coming back up. In one hand he held the bundled up silvery cloth and in the other the broomstick Lily recognised as the one that she had Remus had got him for Christmas. Sirius' eyes flashed with a fierce determination.

"I understand that you want to help and I won't stop you, but at least wait until after I've called a meeting and thought of a plan. It's a suicide mission otherwise. Think of Harry."

Dumbledore had said the only thing that would stop her from going to rescue Remus. She stared at Harry for what felt like a long time, watching him pull at Dumbledore's beard. It broke her heart to even think about leaving him. She knew that there was a good possibility that she wouldn't come back, and if something happened to Sirius and Remus as well she didn't know what would happen to her son. But going after Remus wasn't a rational decision, it was something she had to do and she'd forever hate herself if she didn't go. It was selfish, yet Lily still felt partly responsible for Remus leaving, and she had to fix that.

"Look after him until I get back." Lily took one last look at Harry before pushing past the two of them stood in the doorway. She didn't have to look to know that Sirius was right behind her.

Lily pulled open the front door with many protests from Dumbledore, Emmeline and even Seth; she ignored them, as did Sirius. Once they were stood on the front step of the house, Sirius threw the Invisibility Cloak over them. Lily grabbed his arm and they Disapparated.

Lily had never been to Yewhorn before and didn't know what to expect. When her feet felt solid ground again, Lily saw that they had arrived in a grimy suburban street that not even the sunshine could make look as if it was a pleasant place to live. The terraced houses didn't have gardens but opened straight onto the pavement that cars were half parked on. A constant  _thump, thump, thump_  came from the other end of the street to where Lily and Sirius were stood, and Lily saw a group of young boys kicking a football around; the only sign of life on the otherwise deserted street.

Sirius was looking up at the sky, squinting his eyes.

"Do you know which way is south?" he muttered.

Lily looked up at the sun too. It was just after noon, and the sun was almost directly above them, which did not help them figure out which way to go.

"I think," said Lily, rotating on the spot, "it's that way." She pointed down the street, away from the boys with the football and towards a busy looking road.

Sirius mounted the broom and Lily got on behind him, doing her best to keep the Cloak covering the two of them. Sirius kicked off from the ground.

The Cloak flapped around Lily's ankles and she had to grab onto it with one hand to make sure it didn't blow away, her other hand around Sirius' waist so she didn't fall. He was bent low over the broom, urging it to go faster.

Lily's heart pounded louder than ever while they flew miles above the ground. She kept thinking about Remus, and what they could possibly be doing to him right now. Torture, almost certainly. The Death Eaters already had a good idea of who was in the Order and Wormtail would have told them for sure. They could be trying to get any amount of information from him: Order secrets, Harry's whereabouts… They would be torturing him to within an inch of his life to get what they wanted to know, and every second they wasted by not getting there faster meant him slipping further out of their grasp.

Her eyes were fixed on the ground below her, constantly scanning it for any sign of a warehouse. They had been flying for nearly half an hour, when she spotted a large grey rooftop with a small road leading to it.

"There!" Lily shouted over the noise of the wind.

Sirius must have already spotted it because he didn't need her to point to know where it was. He started to descend into a large green area behind the warehouse and within seconds they had crashed through the canopy of the woods and landed on the mossy earth.

They dismounted the broom quickly and hurried to the edge of the trees. They had landed on the wrong side of a tall metal fence that surrounded the grey building. Through it, Lily could see the old abandoned warehouse that the Death Eaters and werewolves had taken over. There was no doubt that this was the right one, Lily could sense the magic coming from inside that was almost like a vibration in the air.

Just as Lily was about to ask Sirius how they were going to get inside, two Death Eaters rounded a corner and came into view. Lily panicked, until she remembered that she was invisible.

The Death Eaters were talking loud enough for their voices to carry to where Lily and Sirius were stood.

"… Be glad when we don't have to guard this lot. It's a waste of time anyway, no one can get past the alarms."

"There'll still be Lupin, though I doubt he'll be around much longer if he doesn't start talking."

"We'll see what the Dark Lord makes of him…"

They passed out of hearing range. Lily turned to look at Sirius, feeling her face lose all colour. He didn't look much better; his jaw was set and he stared ahead as if he wanted to blast the fence out of their way.

"What do we do?" Lily asked.

"Fly over the top?"

"He said there were alarms, I don't think they're that stupid."

Sirius thought for a moment.

"Well there's got to be a spot where they can get in and out. Let's find the entrance."

Lily and Sirius started walking around the perimeter of the warehouse trying to make as little noise as possible in case anyone heard them. Lily felt as if they were wasting time; Dumbledore had been right that they needed a plan but they had not wanted to sit around to figure one out. She wondered if they would be better off going back and telling Dumbledore the sort of defences the Death Eaters had up so he could think of an idea on how to get around them. It was going to be next to impossible to get in.

Lily was about to voice her thoughts when Sirius put an arm out to make her stop. Without her noticing, they had reached the road that Lily had seen leading towards the warehouse.

Another two Death Eaters guarded a gate. Sirius grabbed Lily's arm and they crept closer.

These two weren't talking. They didn't have masks on and from a distance, Lily thought she recognised them as Rosier and Nott.

They looked bored, scanning the grounds around them to make sure that nothing out of the ordinary was happening, or about to happen. Apart from the two of them, the immediate vicinity was deserted.

There was no way Lily and Sirius were going to get past them.

Nonetheless, they crouched beside the fence some yards away from the guards, waiting. Lily tried to think of some way to distract them so that she and Sirius could enter but she came up with nothing. Even if they did manage to get the Death Eaters to abandon their positions, Lily had a feeling that the alarms would still be on the gate, and they would have to be removed in order for people to enter and leave.

Lily looked at Sirius, hoping that he had some sort of idea on what to do. His eyes were narrowed and staring, not at the two guards, but behind them. Lily followed his gaze and saw the same two Death Eaters they had spotted before walking towards the gate.

Without warning, Sirius stood up, pulling Lily with him. He hid the broomstick he had carried with him in a nearby bush and started walking closer to the gate. Lily tried to grab Sirius' attention, to ask him silently what he was doing, but his attention was focused straight ahead of him and he didn't bother to look at her.

Lily understood the plan mere moments before Sirius squeezed her arm tighter and pulled her along quicker, still trying to keep their footsteps silent. Rosier made a complicated movement with his wand just as Nott opened the gate to allow the other two Death Eaters to pass through it. By this time, Lily and Sirius were close enough to slip inside just before the Death Eaters reached the gate.

They quickly stepped to the side to allow the Death Eaters to exit and then walked as quickly as they dared away from the gate.

Lily waited until they were definitely out of earshot of the Death Eaters before she hissed at Sirius, "We could have been caught. At least tell me next time."

"But we weren't," Sirius muttered and he half-grinned at her. It didn't reach his eyes and a second later he looked as grim as he had done previously.

Lily checked behind her, and saw that the Death Eaters had swapped positions. Once Rosier and Nott were inside, one of the Death Eaters outside repeated the wand movement and Lily guessed that the alarms and other protective enchantments had been put back up.

She was immensely relieved that they had managed to get inside safely, but now they had the problem of finding Remus and getting him back out. That would surely not be as simple as getting in had turned out to be.

Sirius started walking randomly towards the huge building in front of them; Lily stopped him, pointing towards Rosier and Nott, who were heading in another direction. She thought they would be better off following them rather than trying to find another way in, and Sirius seemed to agree as he changed direction mid-step.

They followed the Death Eaters through a small side door (after waiting so that they wouldn't notice the door opening by itself) and into a long narrow corridor. The walls were bare, but Lily hadn't expected there to be signs pointing them in the right direction. There were many doors leading off from the corridor and as they passed each one, Lily couldn't help looking through the small glass panels to see if Remus was in any of the rooms beyond.

The first time Lily did this, she nearly gasped out loud.

The room on the other side of the door must have been the main room in the building it was so large. It was filled with people, most of them, Lily could see, were men wearing ripped clothes and had long matted hair, but there were some women who were no better groomed. The werewolves.

Lily stood transfixed. There were so many of them, at least a hundred and Lily thought that the number was probably closer to two hundred. How they had managed to build up such numbers Lily didn't know. Looking closer, the majority of them didn't seem to have wands; either they were Muggles or had been infected before they were school age and raised by Greyback. Lily shuddered at this thought.

Every door on that side of the hallway looked into the same room, and the ones on the other side had their windows covered. Lily had the dreadful feeling that they had passed where Remus was being held, and they might have been able to get him and get out without being seen if he was in one of the rooms they were now walking past.

Ahead of them, Rosier and Nott reached a junction and turned right. When Lily and Sirius reached it, they paused. Lily peered down the corridor to their left; it looked no different to the one on their right. Sirius tapped her on the shoulder, signalling with his head that he thought they should carry on following the Death Eaters. Lily thought he had a point, they could be going to where Remus was, or might talk to any passing Death Eaters who could mention it Remus' location.

Lily and Sirius hadn't been going along this new corridor for long when Rosier and Nott looked to their left and stopped. Another Death Eater appeared and paused at the sight of the other two.

"No luck with it?" Rosier asked the newly arrived Death Eater.

"No."

"Might as well summon the Dark Lord, then. He said to if it wouldn't talk,"

"I already have done, I don't know how much of a difference it will make. We're better off killing it and giving the body back."

"The Dark Lord will be able to make it co-operate."

With that, Rosier and Nott continued walking to the end of the corridor and they turned at the end. The other Death Eater walked towards where Lily and Sirius were stood and passed so close that Lily thought he was going to walk into them. As it was, she had to hold her breath so he didn't hear her and suck in her stomach to give him room to pass.

Lily had had trouble controlling her anger while the Death Eaters talked. She stood there with her fists clenched, fuming. Looking up at Sirius' face, she saw her own anger reflected there. They had no right to talk about Remus as if he wasn't a person when they were the ones planning to ruin innocent lives tomorrow evening.

They had stood there for a minute or so when Lily remembered where they were, and that the Death Eater had said that he had summoned Voldemort. They had to get Remus and get out - quickly.

Lily pulled Sirius forwards. This brought him back to the present and he followed Lily's lead. They reached the spot where the Death Eaters had been stood. To their left was a staircase leading downwards.

Without hesitating, Lily started down the stairs to the door at the bottom.


	35. Chapter Thirty Five

Lily and Sirius quickly and silently slid into the basement, and pushed the door closed behind them. Sirius whipped the Invisibility Cloak off them in one swift motion and they both lit their wands to illuminate the pitch-black room.

The basement was large, about the same size as the main hall upstairs and Lily guessed that they were directly beneath it. It had bare brick walls and a cement floor. The room was completely empty apart from a figure curled on the floor not far from them

"Remus," Lily murmured, running forward to kneel beside him. He lay in a pool of blood, some of it dried and some still wet. His robes were torn and Lily could see deep gashes through the rips, those that looked the most recent were still bleeding. Remus' face didn't look much better, he was covered in bruises and more cuts covered his face and neck. His wrists were tied together by a length of rope and Lily saw another piece of rope around his ankles.

"Is he - ?" Sirius croaked, stepping forward.

Lily placed her hand on Remus' chest where she could feel the rapid rise and fall of it, and the steady beating of his heart; Remus flinched slightly at the pain this simple action caused him and she withdrew her hand quickly.

"He's alive." Lily had to swallow to try to keep her voice steady and her hands were shaking. Remus couldn't have been here for that long, he'd only left Grimmauld Place two weeks ago – what had they done to him? "I don't know how we're going to get him out," Lily told Sirius, and then spoke to Remus, "Remus, Remus, it's me, it's Lily. Look we're going to get you out of here, don't worry."

Lily continued to speak words of comfort while she tried to untie the ropes. He didn't show any signs of recognition, which unnerved Lily but she carried on, not wasting any time. She did not dare use magic to cut the ropes as she thought that her shaking hand might accidentally add a few more cuts to Remus' list of injuries. Sirius stayed near the door, listening to hear if anyone was approaching.

Lily had managed to untie the rope around his wrists when she glanced up and saw him open one bleary eye at her.

"Lily," he breathed, and Lily was relieved at the sound of his voice. This relief was quickly replaced by dread when she heard Sirius saying her name sharply.

"There's someone coming, Lily. Get under the Cloak now!"

Standing up, Lily apologised to Remus and grabbed her wand that she had dropped on the floor beside him. She retreated to near the door where Sirius was waiting with the Cloak. He threw it over the both of them and they extinguished their wands just in time, as the door burst open seconds after the room had been plunged into darkness.

Candles were conjured and they floated in the air near the doorway, allowing Lily to see who had entered. There were two men: one was tall, wearing long billowing black robes and had his wand out, the other was rather shorter, plump and had a nervous look about him –  _Wormtail_.

Voldemort stepped forward so that Lily could only see the back of him, and Wormtail followed behind closely.

"Well, well, Lupin… I am not accustomed to being summoned because a prisoner refuses to co-operate," Voldemort's high-pitched voice was calm and, Lily thought, slightly amused. Despite not sounding overly threatening or dangerous, she got goosebumps as he spoke. "I'll give you one chance to speak willingly before I use force –  _where is the boy hidden_?"

It seemed to take Remus a great amount of strength to raise his head and look straight into Voldemort's face.

"I'd die before I told you." Remus' voice was weak but Lily had never heard him speak with such a cold edge to his voice before, spitting the words at Voldemort. Voldemort laughed – a cold, humourless laugh.

"Oh, there are always ways to make people talk. Look at Wormtail here – didn't you consider him a friend mere months ago? All I had to do was offer him something he couldn't resist, and wouldn't cost me too much effort, of course, and he readily turned against his  _friends_."At this, Wormtail slowly moved so that Voldemort was blocking him from Remus' view. Lily felt Sirius beside her raising his wand to aim it at him. She didn't turn to see for certain; her eyes were fixed on the sliver of Remus' face that she could see and his were on Voldemort's. When he spoke again, his voice had lost it's calm attitude.

"I'll get Potter whether you tell me where he is or not. You're not saving him by refusing to tell me, you're just putting yourself in danger. If you tell me where he is then I'll let you free."

Remus stayed silent.

"I gave you your chance, werewolf.  _Crucio_."

Remus screamed a heart-wrenching scream that seemed to cause Lily physical pain just hearing it. She watched in despair as Remus tensed in agony, curling up even more into a ball.

Voldemort lowered his wand and Remus' body went limp. His eyes were closed and he was breathing hard. Voldemort tilted his head to one side and considered Remus for a moment.

"I don't need you, werewolf. Your kind are no better than the mudbloods; I wouldn't allow you to clean the dirt off my robes. You filthy creatures should be locked up and left to die, which is what will happen to you if you don't tell me where Potter is. Answer me!"

"Is that how you talk to Greyback? You persuaded him to join your cause by calling him a filthy creature?" Remus' eyes stayed closed when he spoke and his voice was getting weaker by the second – it sounded like he was using all his energy when he was speaking. "If I told you where they were then I'd deserve to be left for dead."

"What is it you really want, werewolf?" Voldemort whispered menacingly, ignoring Remus' accusations. He was silent for a minute, in which time the only sound was Remus' heavy breathing and Wormtail fidgeting behind his master. Then, Voldemort laughed again. "I can promise not to kill her when I kill the boy, but that's not what you really want, is it? You want to play happy families with your dead friend's wife and son." He laughed once more "And they say my Death Eaters are sly."

Lily thought she saw Sirius turn to look at her out of the corner of her eye but she didn't acknowledge it. Voldemort had turned his wand back onto Remus and he was screaming louder than before – this time Lily couldn't handle it.

She felt Sirius attempt to grab her arm to keep her in place but Lily had already ran out from under the Cloak. She stopped in front of Remus, spreading her arms out as if to block him from view.

Voldemort blinked once as Lily stared into his face unflinchingly. He had lowered his wand and the room was silent.

"Well, well. I should have known that you would come for your, ah,  _friend_." Voldemort grimaced as if he was reliving a bad memory. "But maybe this way is better – he'll tell me where your son is, or I'll kill you."

He said this with absolute certainty that his plan would work, and Lily thought it might have done if only Sirius had not also been hidden in the room. Not wanting to alert Voldemort to this fact, she decided to play along. Lily took half a step backwards, away from Voldemort, and quickly looked behind her; Remus had closed his eyes and his chest was barely moving. They had to get him out of here fast. However, no plans formed themselves in her mind. Instead, she decided that keeping Voldemort talking had to be the safest option as it might distract him for long enough for either her or Sirius to think of a plan.

"Not all of my friends are traitors," Lily said, much more bravely than she felt. "Remus wouldn't tell you a thing."

"Really?" Voldemort asked, sounding greatly amused. Before Lily could raise her wand, he had pointed his at her and a great force pulled her towards him. He grabbed her by the throat, turned her to face Remus and pressed his wand tip to her neck.

"Wormtail, take her wand," he ordered. Wormtail shuffled around so that Lily could see him. He kept his eyes downwards so he didn't have to look at her and she tried to fight him off. Voldemort dug his overgrown fingernails into her neck and Lily relinquished her grasp on her wand. It fell to the floor and Wormtail stooped down to pick it up. Lily had a sudden urge to kick him; she knew that this would only result in more pain for her or Remus so she decided against attacking him.

Apparently Sirius did not.

A jet of light hit Wormtail in the face, causing him to stumble backwards and slowed his movement. Voldemort threw Lily to the ground as he spun round to see where the spell had come from, his upper lip curling in rage when he saw Sirius standing with his wand in one hand and the Invisibility Cloak in the other.

"Of course – the mudblood would never have managed to get here by herself. She would need someone raised with the Dark Arts."

Sirius didn't say anything; he sent a spell at Voldemort who deflected it easily and then started duelling ferociously.

The jinx that Sirius had sent at Wormtail was beginning to wear off. Lily could see his eyes darting from the door to Sirius and back again. Lily crawled to where her wand had fallen and snatched it up. She looked back up to find Wormtail stood up and hurrying to the door.

" _Colloportus_!" Lily shouted, waving her wand wildly in the general direction of the door. A dull thud told her that she had performed the charm just in time as Wormtail ran head first into it. She quickly sent a Stunning Spell after it that struck Wormtail squarely in the back and he fell to the floor.

Sirius and Voldemort were still duelling, illuminating the room with brightly coloured flashes of light. Occasionally, one would be deflected and hit the floor or walls and a great chunk would be blown off, leaving the basement littered with bits of brick and cement.

Lily scrambled on all fours to where Wormtail was and searched his robes until she found his wand. She grabbed it before hurrying to Remus' side and pressed Wormtail's wand into his hand, just in case. Lily started untying the rope around Remus' ankles, her hands steadied by the adrenaline coursing through her veins. She managed to untie it eventually and tried to drag Remus further away from where Voldemort and Sirius were duelling in case one of the deflected spells came in their direction.

While she pulled Remus, Lily had her wand in her hand and sent the occasional spell in Voldemort's direction, trying to distract him from Sirius for a moment. She knew Sirius was a good dueller, but it was nothing compared to Voldemort's years of experience, and Voldemort was slowly but steadily advancing towards Sirius.

Once they were a sufficient distance away from Voldemort and Sirius, Lily stopped and knelt beside Remus briefly, one hand on his chest to make sure he was still breathing. When she was sure he was ok, Lily stood up in between Remus and Voldemort, and joined in the duel.

Voldemort snarled now that Lily was firing spells at him too, but Lily and Sirius still weren't making him duel at his full potential. At some point, he was going to get fed up and blow them to the side as if they were nothing more than smoke. All Lily could hope for was that Voldemort would make a mistake that would give them time to escape, somehow.

He didn't make any mistakes, he was too experienced a dueller to, and nothing that even resembled an escape plan entered Lily's mind while she duelled, ducking and dodging to all sides to avoid the spells cast at her. The best she could do was keep duelling and see if any opportunities presented themselves.

Out of the corner of her eye, Lily saw something move. She glanced to the floor briefly after blocking a jet of violet light that had been sent her way. Remus was trying to move, to aim the wand Lily had given him at Voldemort so that he could fire a spell at him. Lily wanted to shout at him to save his energy, but that would have meant wasting precious moments, and Lily didn't have any to waste.

Instead, she stepped slightly out of Remus' way so he had a clear shot. Unfortunately, Voldemort spotted this and moved aside to avoid the spell that went his way a moment later. Lily had to act quickly in order to block a returning spell shot at Remus.

This seemed to anger Voldemort because he started swiping his wand through the air with renewed force and speed. He was pushing Lily and Sirius to their limit now and he knew it, a small smile growing on his face. Lily had to almost throw herself to the floor in order to avoid a series of spells aimed at her.

Lily looked up in time to see Sirius being blasted across the room, hit the stone wall and slide to the floor, unconscious.

Voldemort didn't bother to see if Sirius was unable to carry on duelling, he took slow deliberate steps towards Lily. She got to her feet quickly, gripping her wand tightly. Trying her best not to look scared, Lily looked Voldemort in the eyes. There was silence and she could tell what was coming. It was inevitable.

Lily stood her ground, only moving to raise her wand when Voldemort raised his.

Behind Voldemort, the door burst open revealing a small group of Death Eaters. Voldemort spun round in surprise, managing to keep his wand aimed on Lily. Voldemort quickly regained his composure.

"What are you doing here? I ordered you to not interrupt!" He hissed.

"You seemed to be taking a long time with the prisoner, my Lord. We wondered –" said one of the Death Eaters.

"There were intruders, the situation is under control."

There was barely a heartbeat of silence before the Death Eater who had spoken drew his wand and started firing spells at Voldemort. Two of the Death Eaters ran over to Remus on the floor and the other to Sirius, leaving Lily to watch what was happening, completely bewildered.

Lily watched as the two Death Eaters near to her bent over Remus and started murmuring spells. One of them glanced up at her and Lily's heart skipped a beat when she saw that it was Rosier.

"Don't just stand there, help us," he growled.

Lily had no idea what was happening. Eventually, her brain began to work faster and she realised that these weren't real Death Eaters.

"What - ?" Lily started, kneeling beside the non-Death Eaters, but the one who had taken on Rosier's appearance interrupted her.

"Polyjuice Potion," he growled. "We need to hurry up – it's nearly been an hour and we've got to get back out!"

"Come on, Lily," said a new voice from above and Lily saw the non-Death Eater who had gone to see to Sirius walking towards them. He was supporting Sirius, who was conscious again but looked unsteady on his feet.

The two Death Eaters either side of Lily hauled Remus to his feet. Lily thought his awareness had gone again because he wasn't making any effort to resist what looked like two Death Eaters picking him up. However, she didn't comment and went to help the non-Death Eater supporting Sirius by putting her arm around his other side.

They slowly made their way towards the door, avoiding the duel happening on the other side of the basement. That was, until Sirius started talking.

"The Cloak," he said. "I dropped it…"

Lily ducked out from under Sirius' shoulder and quickly looked around the room. The Cloak was just behind the door where she and Sirius had been stood. Lily ran over to pick it up - dodging spells as she went - stuffed it into an inside pocket of her robes, and then returned to help support Sirius.

The six of them managed to exit the basement and had got halfway up the stairs when the non-Death Eaters suddenly stopped walking. Lily wondered why this was until she spotted the skin of the one who was also supporting Sirius; it was bubbling and she understood that the Polyjuice potion was wearing off.

While they stood waiting for all of the potion's effects to fade, Lily heard the sound of loud bangs and shouts from above them. She craned her neck hoping to see what was going on, but nobody and nothing passed the small section of the corridor that she could see.

Lily was still trying to discern what was happening above them when she felt Sirius move, which indicated that they were moving again. She looked to her side and, with a shock, saw that Seth was the other person helping Sirius make his way up the stairs. Looking behind her, Lily saw Moody and Emmeline supporting the barely conscious Remus.

"Hurry up," Moody growled, pulling Remus up a step.

"What about – whoever it is still down there?" said Lily.

"Dumbledore will be fine. Now move!"


	36. Chapter Thirty Six

The noises above them grew louder as they made their slow way up the stairs. Lily gripped her wand tightly, ready if she needed to use it. She still couldn't see exactly what was going on, but now the occasional jets of light were being shot past the entrance to the stairwell and Lily assumed that the rest of the Order was working its way through the building.

Lily and Seth pulled Sirius up to the top step but immediately tried to step back down so that they were out of sight. Lily almost fell over Moody when she stepped back and it took her a moment to steady herself and Sirius.

Both ends of the corridor were filled with Death Eaters duelling people Lily couldn't see. She thought she could spot the unmistakable purple uniform of the Aurors and wondered what they were doing here until she remembered the planned werewolf attack on the Ministry and she understood that they had come to get help rid of the threat. Lily was grateful for this, as the Order had nowhere near enough members to cope with the number of werewolves that were here.

"How are we going to get out?" Lily asked Moody, looking behind her. There was no need to keep her voice down; Lily could barely hear herself speak with the sounds of shouts and spells in the corridor.

"Where are they duelling?"

"Both ends of the corridor."

"There's a door opposite and to the left. Go through there."

"But, Moody, doesn't that - ?"

"Do you want to try to get these two through the corridors that are packed with people firing curses at each other?"

Lily didn't reply; Moody was right. It would be impossible to get through the narrow corridors without them being hit but she didn't think it was a good idea to try to go through the main hall in order to get out. Most of the werewolves might not be particularly proficient with magic but some would be and they were highly outnumbered. However, it was their only chance.

Steeling herself, Lily glanced at Seth, who she now noticed was looking rather pale. He must have seen her looking as he smiled slightly at her. Between them, Sirius was attempting to push them away.

"What are you doing?"

"I can walk on my own, I don't need help."

"You were just blasted halfway across the room, if you're fine then I'm a man," said Lily, gritting her teeth.

Sirius didn't stop struggling, and he carried on arguing with Lily until Moody interrupted them.

"Let him walk if he thinks he can manage. We're wasting time."

Sirius and Lily abruptly stopped at this. They looked over to where Remus was; he was growing steadily paler at the effort he was exerting trying to stand up, even with help from Emmeline and Moody.

Lily let Sirius go and Seth did the same. It took Sirius a second to steady himself but, when he did, he looked fine, if not slightly pale.

"Can't you three wear the Cloak?" Sirius asked Moody. "You'd be able to get through without the Death Eaters trying to attack you."

"I don't think it'll cover them all," said Lily. "Their feet will show."

Lily pulled the Cloak out of her pocket anyway and threw it over Moody, Emmeline and Remus. As she had thought, their feet and part of their legs were still visible. Half of a person was likely to attract more attention than if they were walking through normally.

Lily stuffed the Cloak back in her pocket while Moody gave instructions on how they were going to get across the hallway, and, hopefully, out safely. Lily and Seth switched with Moody and Emmeline so that they were supporting Remus, allowing the more experienced duellers to provide cover for them.

Sirius and Emmeline stepped out of the stairwell first, heading towards the door that led into the hall and shooting jets of light at the Death Eaters on either side; they were too preoccupied to be able to tell where all of the spells were coming from. Sirius and Emmeline were halfway to the door when Lily and Seth started to make their way across half carrying Remus, and Moody brought up the rear seconds later.

The situation in the corridor was worse than Lily had thought when she had briefly seen it before. Bodies of Death Eaters and Aurors alike lined the corridor and Lily couldn't tell if they were dead or merely unconscious. Littering the floor were bits of wall, floor and ceiling that had broken off when a powerful spell had hit it. Lily sent more spells into the battle that was raging as they hurried across to the door as quickly as they could. She didn't know if any of them hit their targets and didn't stop to check before she entered the hall.

It was marginally better in here than out in the corridor, but only because it was a larger space. Most of the werewolves without wands were huddled in a corner, trying to stay out of the way and avoid being hit, while some were tied up and left on the floor, the spell caster having been distracted. Lily guessed that the Aurors had been the first to get in the hall as so many of the werewolves had been tied up but the Death Eaters had quickly followed. Order members fought alongside the Aurors, against the Death Eaters and werewolves with wands. This made it hard to move without being hit, but the six of them did their best, edging their way along the wall so they wouldn't be noticed while Sirius, Moody and Emmeline did their best to block spells coming their way.

They hadn't got very far when new shouts could be heard from Death Eaters, pointing at the six of them trying to get out. Sirius immediately jumped into the battle, flashes of light coming from his wand, aimed at the Death Eaters in all directions. Moody and Emmeline joined him, leaving only Lily and Seth to deflect any stray jets of light that neared them.

Lily and Seth continued supporting Remus as they walked along the walls, doing their best to avoid or block stray curses. It was getting harder; the more they walked the less strength Remus had and he could barely keep himself upright. Lily and Seth kept moving, trying to go faster as Remus grew fainter.

It was hard work, even with the two of them, and before long they had to gently put Remus down so that they could rest. But even resting from carrying him didn't give Lily and Seth time to relax; Lily was constantly scanning the area for spells aimed at them and had to block more than a few. The longer they stood there, the more Death Eaters and werewolves noticed them and started sending jets of light towards them in between their own duels.

Nearby, a Death Eater won his duel and his opponent (an Auror Lily didn't recognise) went down with a scream. He turned towards where Lily and Seth were stood, panting, and Remus was sat against the wall.

Snape stood without moving staring at the three of them by the wall, and Lily wondered why he didn't attack them straight away. A moment later, Lily guessed that he had been catching his breath as there was a flash of blue light and Snape started duelling Seth.

Seth took a few steps away from where Lily and Remus were, but Lily tried to join the duel to help Seth.

"Get back to Remus, Lily. Get him out of here!" shouted Seth in between blocking an attack from Snape and sending a retaliatory spell back.

Lily hesitated. She knew that it would be best to do as Seth said and get Remus out, but she knew how good a dueller Snape was and Seth was likely to need help.

In her moment of hesitation, Lily stood watching Snape and Seth duel. As she did so, she noticed cracks in the floor starting to appear. Lily frowned. They were duelling hard, yes, but everyone in the room was and it was nowhere near intense enough for the floor to start cracking.

Then Lily remembered the duel happening below them in the basement. It looked like Lily had been right earlier when she had thought that the basement was beneath the main hall, and Dumbledore's and Voldemort's duel must have been growing fiercer by the second for the floor to start giving in.

"Seth, the floor!" Lily shouted. Both Seth and Snape looked down at the cracks beginning to create great furrows in the cement. As she looked, Lily saw more and more appear around the room and she wasn't the only one to have noticed them now.

No one had to be told to get out; a mad rush for the doors began. Even though she had been standing no more than five yards away from Remus, she had to push people out of the way in order to get to him.

He was almost being trodden on in the horde of people trying to get out quickly. Lily hauled Remus onto his feet unceremoniously and began to try to make her way to the nearest door.

Lily struggled with Remus' weight and the people pushing and shoving past gave no consideration to them. Lily stumbled forwards, refusing to give up, until she felt Remus become lighter and she looked around.

Sirius had found them among the mass of bodies. He propped Remus up with his shoulder and helped Lily get him to the door. It was difficult, as the three of them took up so much space and moved so slow while everyone else wanted to be the first to get out, but eventually they managed it.

When they reached the door, screams from inside the hall suddenly grew louder and Lily couldn't help but look over the heads of people running out of the room.

The furrows in the floor had started to join up and, as Lily watched, a chunk of the floor, not far from a group of werewolves who had been tied up, disappeared from view. The tied up werewolves shouted for someone to help them, trying to stand so they could escape, but no one did. They were all too busy saving themselves.

There was nothing Lily could do. She had to get Remus out, and - in any case – she wouldn't have been able to push against the crowd of people pouring out of the doors. Sirius gave Remus a sharp tug forwards and Lily was pulled with him.

More bodies littered this corridor and Lily did her best to avoid stepping on them, or looking close enough to be able to recognise them. She was one of the few that did, as most people let nothing stop them from getting out of the collapsing warehouse as quickly as possible and didn't pay any attention to whatever obstacles were in their way.

Lily and Sirius made it to the door with Remus and exited into the fresh air. They stepped to the side allowing others to exit and them to catch their breath for a moment, when a jet of green light came their way and they had to duck to avoid it. It left a hole in the wall behind them.

The scene outside much resembled how the one inside had been. Duels that had been interrupted recommenced, but now a number of Death Eaters were trying to flee. They were prevented by the line of Ministry workers stood by the fence who were incapacitating anyone who looked like they were going to make a run for it.

What looked like another group of Aurors Apparated beyond the fence and started running in through the gate when they had barely landed. The charms preventing anyone from getting in or out must have been disabled when the Aurors and Order members broke through, but it looked as if anit-Apparition charms were still in place.

They started walking again, doing their best to support Remus on their way to the gate. As they walked, Sirius started stumbling; his injury must have been worse than they thought because by the time they were nearly to the gate, Sirius was leaning on Remus as much as Remus was leaning on him.

"Come on, Sirius," Lily said desperately. "It's not far now."

They took a few more steps but Sirius had had enough. He stayed stood up, swaying dangerously on the spot. Fortunately, someone saw them and starting running in their direction.

The person drew closer and Lily recognised it as being Dedalus Diggle. When he reached them, he forced his way in between Sirius and Remus and helped Lily get them through the gate where it was finally safe to sit down and rest.

"Where are the others?" asked Dedalus. "Dumbledore, Moody and Emmeline?"

"I don't know," Lily panted. "Dumbledore's in the basement duelling Voldemort –" Dedalus looked shocked at this, but Lily carried on. "- The others went off to duel some Death Eaters. I don't know where they've got to."

Lily looked through the fence to the yard around the warehouse anxiously. Had the others got out okay? She hadn't seen Moody or Emmeline since they had entered the hall and she had lost Seth in the scramble to get out. What if they had been injured and left in the hall? There was no way they could make it back in to get anyone out and Lily was concerned that any rescue team would get trapped in there too.

She carried on searching for faces she recognised through the fence. People kept moving around, making it hard for Lily to spot anyone.

"Shouldn't those two be going to St. Mungo's?" Dedalus said, making Lily jump slightly; she had forgotten he was there. He was searching the crowd of duellers too, his face showing his anxiety.

"I couldn't Apparate with both of them. I don't – I don't know if they'd be okay Apparating." Lily looked down at where both Sirius and Remus were lay on the floor, worry swelling inside her. She pushed it back; they were going to be alright, she would get them to St. Mungo's as soon as she knew the others had got out…

This thought had only just entered Lily's mind when there was an earth-shattering crash and the sound of renewed screams filled the air. She looked up in horror.

One side of the warehouse had collapsed. People were running away from the building as fast as they could in case it completely fell down. Duels were still taking place and people ran straight into the flashes of light as they escaped from the warehouse. The whole situation was descending into chaos and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it. Lily sat and watched; she had to fight her instincts so that she didn't run straight back in there to help, but she was exhausted and was unwilling to leave Remus and Sirius.

In the confusion, Lily didn't notice the figure walking towards them until it was right in front of her.

"Seth!" Lily jumped to her feet and hugged him. "I didn't know where you'd got to, are you okay? Have you seen the others?"

"I'm fine," he said, gently releasing Lily. "I saw Emmeline and Moody get out, they're duelling over there somewhere." Seth pointed vaguely to the right of the collapsing building and Lily briefly saw a flash of Emmeline's black hair and Moody's distinctive frame.

Lily looked back to the warehouse. There was no sign of Dumbledore or Voldemort. Obviously she didn't care whether Voldemort got out dead or alive, but if something had happened to Dumbledore, if he'd been caught in any falling debris, it didn't bear thinking about.

"I thought the point of rescuing Remus was so that he was alright, aren't you going to take him to the hospital?" Seth asked.

"I won't be able to manage both of them. Sirius can barely stand."

"The three of us would manage, wouldn't we?" Seth indicated himself, Lily and Dedalus. "We should get Remus there as soon as possible."

Dedalus looked as if he didn't want to leave without knowing for certain that the others were okay, but he agreed anyway. He helped Lily and Seth pull Remus and Sirius to their feet and they made sure someone was on both sides of both of them.

Just as they were about to Disapparate, Lily glanced back at the warehouse and froze.

A lone figure was emerging from the rubble of the warehouse. A tall lone figure. With waist length silver hair and beard.

"Dumbledore!" Lily said to the others, pointing to the aged wizard who was calmly emerging from the half-collapsed building.

They turned to look, and the sight of Dumbledore seemed to convince them that the situation here was under control. After a moment, the three of them standing looked at each other, making sure they were all ready. There was no reason to stay now, it was best for them to get Remus and Sirius to St. Mungo's, as long as Dumbledore was there things would be fine. It was a rather naïve belief, but it was one that had never been proved false before.

After Seth had counted to "three", they Disapparated.


	37. Chapter Thirty Seven

The next hour was a blur of noise and colour. Lily vaguely remembered a group of Healers converging on the five of them as soon as they stepped foot in the reception area, and then whisking Remus and Sirius away. Dedalus and Seth stayed long enough for them to be sure that Remus and Sirius would be alright and then they left to return to the warehouse and help sort things out. This left Lily to collapse into one of the rickety wooden chairs in the waiting area.

Lily watched, without really paying attention, as more people started steadily pouring in through the door. The old welcome witch behind the desk looked shocked at the sudden increase in patients and began to direct them to the seats where they could wait until a Healer could see them. Lily recognised a few faces, only waving when she made eye contact with them and not going over to talk to them. At one point she saw Moody enter with one hand covering his nose and blood freely flowing from between his fingers, but he was quickly ushered up the staircase.

Around Lily, the little waiting room filled up and slowly began to empty again. It was only when someone sat down in the seat next to her did Lily break out of her reverie and look around herself properly.

Albus Dumbledore was looking at her over the top of his glasses.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

Lily hadn't thought about how she was feeling, more just sitting and watching and allowing everything to wash over her. It took her a while to answer.

"Shaken," answered Lily. "Just… seeing Remus like that, and then Voldemort was there and I thought he was going to kill us and then we had to get out, I don't think I knew what I was doing." Lily took a deep breath. "What happened?"

"I was about to ask you the same question."

Lily told him how she and Sirius had managed to get into the warehouse and found out where Remus was. She gave him a brief summary of what had occurred in the basement before he had entered and then how they had got out.

When she finished, Dumbledore proceeded to tell her what had happened outside after she had Disapparated. The Death Eaters and werewolves that had managed to escape the building were being arrested, though some of them had been able to flee in the confusion. They were waiting for the Ministry to dispatch a team of magical building surveyors to ensure that it was safe to enter before they could rescue anyone had had been trapped inside, if they were still alive.

"What about Voldemort?" Lily asked, causing people nearby to wince.

"He fled," said Dumbledore simply. Lily felt her jaw drop.

"How? Wasn't there an anti-Disapparition jinx on the place?"

"He lifted it. It isn't a particularly hard jinx to remove, the method just isn't very well known. There's no reason why it should be well known when most people accept that the jinx is usually there for a reason."

"But you were duelling him. How did he have time to lift the jinx?"

Dumbledore smiled. "It's rather unfortunate that the ceiling was collapsing in on us by that point, giving me as many distractions as he."

The conversation dropped, then. Dumbledore sat with Lily for a while, neither of them speaking. It took Lily a few minutes to realise why she wasn't reassured by Dumbledore's presence.

"Where's Harry?" said Lily, suddenly remembering that she had left him with Dumbledore. He raised a hand to prevent Lily from panicking.

"He is fine. I left him with Augusta Longbottom, who was babysitting Neville too, as Frank and Alice were needed by the Aurors."

Lily nodded. Dumbledore stayed for a few more minutes before excusing himself, saying that he had important business to attend to.

Lily wasn't alone in the waiting room for long after Dumbledore had left. She barely had time to glance around the room when she saw Sirius descend the steps that led up to the wards, looking round for her.

She almost ran to where Sirius was stood. Lily hugged him.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"'Course I am." Lily pulled back to see that he was smiling. "Heard anything about Remus?"

"No." Lily glanced over her shoulder to where the welcome witch was sat, hoping that she'd choose that moment to tell them whether Remus was going to be okay or not.

"I need to talk to you." Sirius grabbed Lily's hand and pulled her into a deserted corridor.

"What's the matter?" Lily allowed herself to be dragged halfway down the corridor where no one would be able to hear them.

"What Voldemort said to Remus, it was something about you. What's going on?"

Lily felt as if her intestines had been filled with lead.

"Nothing's going on. I don't know what Voldemort was talking about."

Sirius considered this for a minute.

"He said –"

"Are you actually believing what Voldemort said? Have you got any reason to think he was telling the truth? He could have been lying just to make Remus feel terrible."

Somewhere inside her, Lily knew this was utter nonsense but she would prefer to talk to Remus before Sirius started asking questions that she half knew the answers to. Things were starting to fall into place about the whole situation: if what Voldemort had said was partly true, then Remus running away hadn't been an overreaction to  _kissing_  her…

"He was using Legilimency. He wouldn't have just come up with that if there hadn't been anything to make him think it." Sirius paused. "Was there anything? Just tell me whatever I've missed, it'll be a lot easier."

Lily knew that there was no point lying to Sirius now. "He kissed me, after you'd passed out on his birthday."

Sirius didn't speak. He seemed to be processing what Lily had told him.

Suddenly, he started off down the corridor back towards the waiting room and where the stairs were that led to the upper floors.

"Sirius, come back!" Lily tried to grab at his arm but he waved her off. She followed him and eventually managed to grab hold of him when he reached the stairs.

"What the hell was he thinking?" Sirius snarled at her when she stopped him from rampaging up the staircase. "He was one of James' best friends – you married – you don't do that, you don't just start getting it on with someone as soon as their husband dies – Lily, let me go!"

"No," Lily said standing her ground. "Calm down. You don't know what was going through his head, he was drunk, which happens to be partly your fault because you kept filling his glass even if he didn't want any more. And how many people have you kissed when you were drunk? At least give him the chance to explain himself before you go attacking him."

"What's he got to explain? I never tried to kiss you, or any of Remus' girlfriends, or Peter's, even if I was drunk. It's something you don't do."

Lily didn't have a counter argument for that and Sirius sensed it. He tried to pull away from her but Lily tightened her fingers around his arm.

"They'll never let you up there if you look ready for a fight, and they might still be working on him."

Sirius looked as if he would have liked to punch her, but he didn't. Instead, he stormed over to the desk where the welcome witch sat and Lily followed him.

"Do you know when we'll be able to visit Remus Lupin? He was brought in this afternoon," Sirius asked. The woman ignored his angry tone and calmly started flicking through some papers on the desk.

"Visiting hours for the ward he's in are two 'til four and then six 'til seven, but there's a note on his file requesting no visitors today. Sorry." Lily thought she didn't sound particularly sorry, but that might have been because Sirius looked ready to throttle someone. "You'll have to come back tomorrow and see if they're allowing visitors."

As the welcome witch suggested, Lily and Sirius returned the next day, to find out that they still weren't allowed to see Remus. Sirius insisted on going the day after too, even though Lily told him that they'd probably want him to rest the day after the full moon, and she was proved right. It was on the third day of Lily and Sirius, this time taking Harry with them as there was no one who could babysit, going to see if they were allowing Remus any visitors that they were successful.

Not much had happened in the two intermittent days. The werewolf attack on the Ministry had not taken place, as a large number of the werewolves had been arrested. More Death Eaters had managed to get away, but the Aurors had been able to make a few arrests. They were still working on pulling bodies out of the warehouse, having to do it slowly because it appeared that there had been many magical additions to the building, such as secret passageways, that may have become unstable during the attack.

A Healer showed them up to the fourth floor, explaining that Remus was in a very delicate state and that they would only let them stay if they didn't cause him any stress. Lily felt like turning around right then and forcing Sirius to leave, but she gave him the benefit of the doubt – after a few days of thinking about it she hoped that he wouldn't start shouting at Remus.

They reached a corridor that had many doors leading off it. A few doors along, the Healer that Lily and Sirius had been following stopped and knocked lightly on the nearest one before opening it and sticking her head through.

"Mr Lupin? You've got some visitors."

If Remus replied then Lily didn't hear it. The Healer opened the door wider to allow Lily and Sirius to pass through and then shut it, giving them some privacy.

Remus was lying in the hospital bed with his back to the door so no one could see his face. Lily could, however, see one of his hands that lay on top of the duvet, which was pulled right up to his eyes. This hand had three long claw marks along it that disappeared beneath the sleeve of the pale green hospital pyjamas.

Lily sat down in the chair on the side of the bed that Remus wasn't facing towards; it was obvious to her that he didn't want them to see his injuries as much as possible. Sirius stayed standing near the door with his arms folded.

"How are you feeling, Remus?" Lily asked quietly. Remus stirred somewhat but didn't turn to look at them.

"Terrible," he grumbled, his voice barely audible. A snort came from by the door and Lily threw Sirius a dark look while holding onto Harry as he tried to climb onto Remus' bed.

"Is that Sirius?" said Remus.

Lily waited for Sirius to answer. He didn't, so Lily spoke for him.

"Yes, it is. I brought Harry as well."

"How did you get Sirius to stop talking? It would have been useful to know it was possible." Lily smiled slightly; if he was making jokes then he musn't be too badly injured, or was putting on a brave face for them.

"I was shocked into silence when I found out that this guy I know thought it would be a good idea to kiss his best friend's widow," Sirius said.

"Sirius!"

"What? You told me to give him a chance to explain himself so I'm giving it to him."

"He's just spent who knows how long being tortured, he can barely talk."

"Yet he manages to get it on with you when he's too drunk to speak properly."

"Aren't you supposed to be at least glad that he's still alive? You were as worried as me last week."

"Yeah, well… that was then." Sirius looked around the small room, a murderous look on his face. "And I am glad he's alive, otherwise I'd have no one to be angry at."

"For Merlin's sake, Sirius! What's your problem?"

"My problem? I'm not the one –"

"You sound like a broken record. If you're just going to shout, why didn't you go home when the Healer said we weren't supposed to stress Remus out?"

"I don't know. I don't know why I even bothered coming." Sirius spoke with a strange sort of finality in his voice, and – after glaring at Remus – walked out.

Lily sat seething for a few minutes. She really had no idea why Sirius was reacting the way he was; yes, Remus had kissed her while he was drunk, and from what Voldemort had said it seemed as if Remus' feelings towards her weren't entirely platonic, but that wasn't Sirius' business.

Remus, who hadn't spoken the entire time Lily and Sirius had been arguing, said quietly, "You told him."

Lily sighed.

"I had to. After what Voldemort said, he guessed that something was up."

Remus was silent for a while. He was still facing the opposite wall and didn't look as if he was about to move.

"What did Voldemort say?"

"You don't remember?"

"I don't remember much before waking up and seeing a bunch of Healers with their wands out and pouring potions down my throat."

"Voldemort was trying to make you tell him where Harry was. He thought you'd tell him if he said he'd give you whatever you wanted, when you didn't say he used Legilimency… He said something about wanting to be a family with me and Harry," Lily finished quietly.

"I don't – well, I never thought that far ahead."

"I thought not. I thought Voldemort might have stretched the truth," Lily said, then added, "You know, it's really annoying talking to the back of your head."

"I don't want to scare Harry."

"He'll manage. You can't look that bad."

Remus didn't move at first, and when he did roll over so he was facing Lily, she had to suppress a gasp.

Most of the dark purple bruises on his face had faded to yellow, which, although it meant that they were healing, made him look worse than he was. One eye was swollen shut and his nose, despite being healed, looked like it had been broken. Newer cuts had joined the red ones on his face that had dulled while he had been in the hospital.

Lily was shocked, again, at how bad he looked. She tried to remember if he'd looked this rough when they had rescued him, but she could only pull up a vague memory – she had obviously not registered the full extent of his injuries in their hurry to get him out. The more recent wounds must have been acquired at the full moon.

"You said you were going to be careful."

Remus winced. "I know. I'm sorry."

"How long were you there for?" asked Lily, still struck by the state of Remus' injuries.

"I don't know. Too long." His one open eye was starting to droop.

"You're tired, I should go before the Healers try to strangle me."

"I'm fine, you can stay," Remus mumbled into the pillow. Lily smiled at this, until she remembered who it reminded her of, and the smile fell from her face.

"I'll visit again sometime," Lily said, standing up. "And I'll try to talk to Sirius." She squeezed Remus' hand that lay on top of the duvet and he whispered something incoherent as she left.


	38. Chapter Thirty Eight

Confusion coloured Lily's thoughts while she walked back through the hospital and used the fireplace to get back to Grimmauld Place. All the time fiddling with the wedding ring she still wore out of habit.

Remus was her friend; that much Lily knew for certain. Granted, it wasn't much - she had been friends with Remus for coming up to ten years - but it was a start. Lily also now knew that Remus hadn't just kissed her because he was drunk and they were close friends, he actually did have romantic feelings towards her. She supposed she should have guessed that as soon as they had found out he had left of his own accord; running away over a drunken kiss was quite a bit of an overreaction even for Remus. Another thing Lily knew, or thought she knew, was that Sirius thought they had betrayed James' memory and that was why he was angry.

That was where the certainty ended for Lily. She had no idea how she felt about the whole situation, or how she should deal with it, or whether she should just try to pretend that everything was normal and hope it would sort itself out. No, that last one wasn't really an option. If she did that then Sirius would probably end up killing either her or Remus and, even though doing that might solve the situation, Lily didn't think it was the best solution.

It was true that she and Remus had grown closer in the past few months, and Lily wouldn't hesitate to say that she was closer to Remus than Sirius. But that had always been true: Sirius was good for joking around with, but it was Remus who Lily could sit down and have a proper conversation with.

Lily tried to remember how she had felt when Remus hadn't been there. She had worried about him, which would possibly mean something if she didn't worry about everyone nowadays, and was likely to worry about someone whether she was friends with them or felt something more. Her dreams that had started to include Remus hadn't seemed like anything more than her subconscious catching onto her conscious worrying, though she had often dwelt on them for a long while after waking, especially those that had involved Remus and James.

Then there was James. Lily had cried over his grave not a week ago, but she wondered if she'd still be doing that fifteen years from now when she had moved on with her life in every other way. She had a feeling she would be, and it didn't help her figure things out. In her normal day to day life, Lily didn't feel haunted by James' memory, so did that mean she was ready to move on? She didn't know.

When Lily stepped out of the fireplace into the kitchen at Grimmauld Place, the first thing she saw was that Sirius was sat at the kitchen table with Seth. They both looked up; Sirius immediately looked back down, Seth waved.

"Hi, Lily. How's Remus?"

"He's going to live. I wasn't expecting you to be here." Lily deliberately sat down in a chair as far away from Sirius as she could.

"Neither was I, but…" Seth trailed off.

"What's the matter?" asked Lily. Because Seth had often been doing very little in official meetings, and the Ministry had been busy the past couple of days, they had sent Seth to help the clean-up at the warehouse.

"They found Peter Pettigrrew's body in the warehouse."

This stunned Lily into silence. It was a while before could speak again.

"He's dead?"

Seth nodded. Sirius didn't say anything, Lily assumed he had already been told.

"Good," Lily said eventually.

"Is it?" asked Seth, his eyes wide at Lily's response.

"Yeah, I – I think so. He betrayed us, he'd have seen us die when he was supposed to be our friend." Lily felt a bit lost at this news, even now she wasn't sure that that was what she wanted to have happened to Peter; she had known the small quiet boy for too long, and that made it difficult to reconcile the two completely different images of him into one person. "Are you staying long, Seth?"

"No, I really need to be going now, actually." He stood up. "I'll come visit when I can. See you."

Seth left. Lily didn't speak to Sirius, she wanted him to apologise for what he had said at St. Mungo's first. She knew that was unlikely, but she still hoped.

Sirius didn't speak for the rest of the afternoon, he just sat at the table, sulking. He didn't offer to help when Lily started making dinner and barely grunted thanks when she placed a plate of (slightly burnt) pasta in front of him. His silence carried on throughout dinner and the evening.

By the time Lily had come back downstairs from putting Harry to bed, she had had enough.

"When are you going to apologise?" Lily asked, standing at the bottom of the stairs into the kitchen, where Sirius was still sat at the table, having not moved in hours.

"Apologise? What for?"

"Oh, I don't know. Talking about Remus as if he wasn't there before, barely speaking a word to him, not talking to me ever since I got home."

"I've not done anything wrong."

"You're acting like a five-year-old."

"Am not."

"Yes, you are. Just – just talk to Remus. He's your friend, it's getting hard enough to keep them without you pushing them away at the same time."

Sirius turned around in his seat to look at Lily, and she breathed a sigh of relief. Finally she might be able to force some sense into him.

"Fine. I'll go tomorrow evening, after I've been to Petunia's. I can't believe I've got to carry on going there."

Lily went to sit down with Sirius, and they managed to hold a conversation, if not an overly friendly one, for the rest of the night.

When Sirius returned just after seven o'clock the next day, Lily was waiting for him. However, he didn't seem to be in the mood to answer her questions on how Remus was and what they had talked about and if he was actually talking to her and Remus again. He shrugged them off and as good as refused to talk about Remus.

It was a few days later before Lily got the chance to visit Remus again. Sirius had been going on his way back from Petunia's, but had continued to refuse to say much about how Remus was or what they had said, making Lily think that Sirius was spending the time standing in a corner silently before leaving.

Lily had persuaded Sirius to come home early so that he could look after Harry while she went to St. Mungo's. He had agreed, as she knew he would – Sirius couldn't resist any opportunity to spend time with Harry.

Lily found her way through the hospital to Remus' room. She hesitated before knocking on the door and opening it slightly.

Remus was sat up in bed reading a newspaper. The bruises on his face had faded until it was almost impossible to see that they were there and the cuts were now gone, though some had been replaced by pale white scars. He looked up from the paper and smiled.

"Hi." Remus folded the newspaper and put it on the bedside cabinet.

"How did you get better so quickly?" Lily shut the door and sat down next to the bed. She was shocked at the dramatic transformation in his appearance and well-being. A few days ago he had barely been able to speak.

"Magic." Remus' smile grew wider. "They're talking about discharging me tomorrow, except I think they want someone to take me home. You'll come won't you?"

"Sure." Lily couldn't help smiling too; Remus' grin was infectious. She looked down so that she could try to rearrange her facial expression. "Look, we need to talk."

Lily heard Remus sigh. She looked back up and saw that Remus wasn't looking at her anymore; he was staring at his hands.

"I'm sorry," said Lily. "I just… need to know some things."

"I know. I knew this was coming."

"You could have avoided it if you hadn't left."

"Maybe, but I couldn't have stayed."

This confused Lily. "Why not?"

"Because I needed some time alone to sort my head out."

"You could have done that at Grimmauld Place."

Remus shook his head. "No I couldn't. You were always there, and I needed to get away from you to realise how I felt. I didn't know I felt anything before that night."

"You didn't know?"

"No, well, we were friends. I enjoyed being with you, but friends do that. There wasn't really one moment where I thought 'oh, yes,  _that_ '."

"So you don't know how long –"

"This time? No, maybe a month, or two. After Christmas, definitely. It crept up on me."

Lily could feel her heart sinking with every word Remus spoke. "This time?"

"I-" Remus blushed. "At school, it must have been third year. You were the pretty girl who helped me in Charms." Lily didn't think it was possible for him to turn any redder. "But then James, you know, was obsessively in love with you so I let it go."

Neither of them spoke for a minute: Lily used the time to process everything Remus had said. It could have been worse, he could have been in love with her from the first time they met and kept it a secret until now. Hearing Remus' side of the story didn't help Lily sort out her own thoughts, so she decided it was time to change the subject.

"What were you doing when you were away?"

Remus explained how he had been camping and carrying on searching for the werewolf hideout. He had managed to locate it, and that was when the Death Eaters had found him and captured him, torturing him for information on everything possible: who was in the Order, what the Order was planning, where Harry was being kept, what he was doing for the Order, had the Order found out about the attack on the Ministry… any information at all. Lily was almost sick when Remus told her that the Death Eaters hadn't been planning on killing him, but making him take part in the werewolf attack. Remus must have noticed this because he quickly changed the topic.

"No Harry today?" he asked.

"I left him at home with Sirius."

"Sirius is talking to you? I didn't think he would be, after the other day."

"He isn't talking to me much. What's he been saying when he's here? He won't tell me."

Remus paused before answering. "Sirius hasn't been here. Not since you came with him and he stormed out."

"He said he'd been coming every evening since then."

"I've not seen him."

Lily stared hard at Remus. He had no reason to lie to her, and he wasn't smiling or showing any other signs that he was. He was looking at her, with a concerned expression on his face.

Without her realising it, Lily had stood up. She could feel herself shaking in anger.

"Lily…"

"I'm going to murder him."

"Don't do something you're going to regret."

"I won't regret killing him. He said he was going to talk to you, he's acting like such a -" Lily's words were cut off by her own anger; it was making it hard for her to think clearly. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Lily stormed through the door, ignoring Remus calling her to come back, and carried on through the hospital, not paying attention to whether she was running into anyone, or getting in the way. All she cared about was getting back to Grimmauld Place and making Sirius explain himself, and possibly killing him in the process.

There was a small queue at the fireplace to use the Floo. Lily waited impatiently, fuming to herself. People passing gave her questioning looks but she ignored them.

When it was her turn, Lily took the Floo powder from the small container by the side of the fireplace. Throwing it into the flames, Lily said, "twelve Grimmauld Place" and felt herself become immersed in flames and enter the dizzying network of fireplaces.

Lily almost fell out of the fireplace. At first she thought the kitchen was empty, until she saw Sirius crouched down, rooting in a cupboard. Lily's anger was momentarily replaced by something more instinctive.

"Where's Harry?"

"He was tired so I put him to bed early. Is that ok?" Sirius said, standing up to face Lily.

"I suppose so." It took less than a second for Lily's anger to return in full force, flaring up like a fire inside her. "Why did you say you were going to visit Remus if you weren't?"

"I thought about it, but then I realised it wasn't right to pretend to be friends with someone when you're not." Sirius shrugged.

"Why aren't you friends with him?" Lily said through gritted teeth. She knew what was coming but she wanted to make him say it anyway.

"Why do you even have to ask that? He was James' best friend, or have you forgotten about him?"

Lily exploded.

"How dare you? Of course I haven't forgotten about James, but he's dead, Sirius! We've got to move on. We're not all stuck in the past like you!"

"I'm not –"

"The hell you're not, Sirius! If you're not drinking to try to cope with James' death then why do you bring out a bottle every other night? That isn't coping Sirius, that's drowning your sorrows."

"So what? Have you ever thought that that might be my way of coping? You forget they ever existed, Remus tried to get it on with the grieving widow and I drink. To be honest, my way is probably the best out of the three."

"That's not even what's happened! And it's not healthy to turn to Firewhiskey every time life gets difficult."

"You're not Head Girl now, Lily. You can't expect me to just do what you say."

"I've not told you to do anything. I'm saying why it's not a good idea to start drinking – "

"What do you know about anything? It's not as if you've had a hard life."

"My husband's dead! Voldemort's been after my son since before he was born, I'm constantly ostracised for being Muggle-born and my sister barely talks to me because I'm a witch! And now I'm losing one of my best friends because he's the world's biggest prat. That sounds easy to you, does it?"

"I've lost people too! You didn't have to grow up here, listening to them all drone on about how being Pure-blood practically makes you royal. Pathetic, useless SCUMBAGS!"

Sirius aimed a kick at a chair and it flew halfway across the room. Something clicked in Lily's head.

"Are you drunk?"

"What?"

"You heard me. Have you been drinking?"

"No, why would I –"

"Tell the truth, Sirius."

"I am doing. You just have to jump to conclusions, don't you?"

"Stop lying to me."

"What's it to you if I have been drinking or not?"

"You have! When you were supposed to be looking after Harry as well!" Lily swallowed. "That's it, I'm leaving."

"Wha – no. You can't leave."

"I can. And I'm taking Harry so you can drink and trash the house in peace."

Lily walked to the stairs and started climbing them as fast as she could. Behind her, she could hear Sirius following her.

"No – Lily – I'm sorry."

"You should be more than sorry."

"I am, really."

"It's not enough."

"What do you want me to do? I'll do it."

Lily turned and looked him in the eyes. She knew that in his current state he'd probably jump off the Astronomy tower while declaring his allegiance to Voldemort if she told him to.

"I want you to leave me alone so I can get Harry and go somewhere else."

Lily watched as Sirius' expression turned to one of complete hopelessness and he slid down the wall he had been supporting himself with.

She didn't stay to listen to him beg her forgiveness, or to see his desperate eyes look back up at her from the floor. Lily ran up the stairs to her bedroom where she found an old rucksack and started throwing clothes and other bits and bats into it that she might need. Then, Lily went into Harry's room and filled the rest of the bag with anything he'd need.

Lily didn't want to wake Harry, unfortunately it was a necessity. Lily picked him up out of his cot and he woke immediately, putting his arms around her neck. He yawned.

"Come on, Harry," Lily murmured. She put the rucksack over one shoulder and made her way back onto the landing, with Harry safely in her arms.

Sirius was stumbling up the flight of stairs that led to the second floor. Ignoring this, Lily went down the stairs, stopping when she reached him.

"Let me past," Lily said calmly.

"Listen to me –"

"Get out of my way."

"I'll stop, I promise, just stay –"

"Say that when you're sober and I might believe you." Lily drew her wand. "Move."

Sirius took one look at the wand pointed between his eyes and Lily could tell he knew he had lost. He stepped to the side giving Lily and Harry enough room to pass, and they did.

As she descended, Lily took a risk and glanced behind her.

Sirius was sat on the stairs, his head in his hands. It was one of the most pathetic sights Lily had seen and she wondered if he would stay there all night.

Lily didn't go back. She didn't stop until she reached the front step of Grimmauld Place.

It was fine saying that she was going to leave, but where could she go? She had to go somewhere safe for Harry, so that ruled out staying at the Leaky Cauldron for the night. There was always headquarters, though it would probably be empty and Lily didn't want to have to be alone. She thought about calling on Seth, quickly realising that he might not have anywhere for them to sleep and she dismissed the idea. There had to be somewhere…

Lily looked down at Harry. He was beginning to fall asleep against her and Lily knew she needed to go somewhere soon – somewhere Harry would be safe and she would have someone to talk to.

That was when Lily realised that she did know of someone who would be more than willing to let them stay the night. They wouldn't be expecting her, but no one she decided to call on would be.

Gripping Harry tightly, Lily turned on the spot and Disapparated.

They arrived in a wooded lane that was fortunately empty. Lily had barely caught her bearings before she started walking.

Lily spotted the correct house as soon as it came into view. At first glance it looked no different to any of the other houses that were dotted along the lane, but it bore the unmistakable signs that wizards lived there: a pile of cauldrons stood outside the front door, plants in the garden swayed despite the lack of a breeze, and as she drew closer Lily spotted an owl in one of the trees in the front garden.

Lily hurried up the little path that led to the house and knocked.

It took a minute for Lily to hear the sounds of people moving on the other side of the door, and she looked around nervously while she waited. The door opened and the man looked shocked to see Lily and Harry on his doorstep.

"What are you doing here?" Frank Longbottom asked.

"It's a long story, can we come in?"

"Of course." Frank stepped away from the door so that Lily could enter the warmth of the hallway.


	39. Chapter Thirty Nine

Lily had been welcomed into the Longbottom's home as if it was a long-standing arrangement that she was to spend the night there. A cot had been Conjured for Harry to sleep in, Frank's mother, Augusta Longbottom, had made Lily a cup of tea, and then they had sat down to allow Lily to explain what had happened.

Frank, Alice and Augusta were suitably shocked and appalled when Lily told them about Sirius' behaviour and Augusta had had to be restrained to stop her going to Grimmauld Place and shouting at him. There hadn't been a question of whether Lily could stay there or not, it had been where she was going to be able to sleep.

Now, as she lay on the sofa watching the sky lighten though the curtains, Lily wondered what she was going to do.

Chances were, Lily was going to have to return to Grimmauld Place, if only to pack the rest of hers and Harry's things so that she could take them – somewhere. There wasn't enough room for them to stay here as it was, and with Remus coming out of St. Mungo's today he was going to need somewhere to live if Sirius still wasn't talking to him. Lily could see them having to move back into headquarters.

That would make Sirius happy; Lily, Harry and Remus living together. He was likely to come and murder them in their sleep.

Of course, this was only if Sirius carried on as he had been the past few days. Maybe – just maybe – Lily could get him to rethink his actions and he'd be their friend again. Lily knew that this was probably wistful thinking; Sirius was one of the most stubborn people she knew, but it was at least worth a shot before she had to resort to drastic measures.

Lily didn't start to get up until she heard movement from upstairs and she guessed that Frank and Alice were getting ready for work. When she was dressed, Lily entered the kitchen where she found Frank and Alice making breakfast. Alice looked up as Lily entered.

"Morning. Did you sleep alright?"

"I was fine, thanks." Lily took a seat at the small kitchen table.

"What do you want to eat? We've got cereal, or toast or – " Frank asked, looking like he would cook a full English breakfast if Lily asked for one.

"You don't have to hang around to make me anything, you need to be getting to work."

"You're our guest."

"I'm your uninvited guest," Lily reasoned. "I'll sort myself out."

After much insisting on Lily's part, Frank gave up trying to make her breakfast. They sat and made small talk for a while, until Lily could hear the distinctive sounds of Harry waking up in the next room; she had wanted Harry to sleep downstairs with her rather than in Neville's room.

By the time Lily had got Harry up and returned to the kitchen, Augusta and Neville had joined them, and Frank and Alice were about to leave. They said goodbye to Lily as they passed her in the doorway, and Lily was left with the two toddlers and Frank's mother for company.

Lily had never spent much time with Augusta Longbottom, but had heard enough from Alice to know that she wasn't the easiest woman to get along well with. At the moment, she was feeding Neville his breakfast and it wasn't necessary for Lily to start a conversation.

Instead, she started making her own and Harry's breakfast. She buttered a slice of toast and turned away for a moment. When she turned back, the toast had gone. Lily didn't have to look far to find the culprit; Harry was trying to feed himself a piece of toast that she hadn't given to him.

Lily sighed and Augusta looked up. She spotted Harry with the toast and smiled.

"He Summoned it?"

"Yes," Lily said, picking up her own plate and going to sit down. "I wish there was some way to tell when he was going to do magic, it always catches me off guard."

"At least you know he is magic. Neville hasn't as much as turned a button a different colour."

"Neville will be fine. Isn't it seven when when kids have normally shown some magic? He's got plenty of time."

"Yes, well…" Augusta looked at her grandson sternly. Neville didn't seem to be paying attention as he was too busy smearing his food all over his face. "Silly boy, come on, I've got to clean you up now."

They moved into the living room once they had finished breakfast. Harry and Neville started playing with some toys on the floor and Lily and Augusta struck up a conversation.

Lily should have known that it was going to be one of days when Harry had started doing magic at breakfast. It felt like every five minutes something was changing colour, or flying across the room. Each time this happened Lily apologised profusely, fixed whatever it was Harry had done, and Augusta started saying how Neville hadn't performed any magic yet. It got tiresome very quickly.

At lunchtime, Lily decided that it was best for her to go back to Grimmauld Place and pack before Sirius got home, that was if he had gone to Petunia's.; Lily didn't know whether he would have done or not. Augusta offered to look after Harry for her, but Lily had the feeling that she might spend the afternoon trying to force him to do magic and Neville to copy him. She said that she would take Harry with her, as he rarely caused trouble, and she would come back in the evening after she had spoken to Sirius to tell them what was happening.

When Lily arrived with Harry at Grimmauld Place, it was silent and looked exactly as it had when she had left last night. Lily remembered to Stun Walburga's portrait before calling Sirius' name. There was no reply, and still none after Lily had shouted him for the third time. It seemed he had gone out, though where to she didn't know.

Just to make sure, Lily looked into the parlour to see if Sirius was in there. She opened the door and gasped at the mess.

The small coffee table had been turned on its side, as well as the two armchairs. All of the cupboard doors had been left wide open, and their contents lay strewn across the floor; goblets, plates, glasses, cutlery were left, and amid them lay the shattered remains of glass bottles.

Lily stepped around the bits of glass and upturned furniture on the wet carpet to pick up one of the largest bits of glass she could see. She turned it over and saw the label for Firewhiskey. Lily picked up another to see that the bottle it had come from used to hold elf-made wine.

Dropping the pieces of glass, Lily drew her wand. With a wave of it, the furniture returned to its original positions and the contents of the cupboards went back into them. Another wave, and the carpet dried beneath her feet. Finally, the shards of broken glass disappeared. Lily sighed and went back into the hallway, having a feeling that that wasn't the only room that had been trashed.

Lily was right. She entered the kitchen and found it in a similar state as the parlour had been in. She repeated her actions, and soon the spilt alcohol, broken glass, and anything else that had been taken out of its proper place, had vanished, as well as the furniture being put back where it belonged.

Lily wasn't sure why, but after that she went around the house to see if any of the other rooms had been messed up. They hadn't, and Lily couldn't figure out what Sirius had been thinking after she had left. It was probably fair to say that he hadn't been thinking, but still, there must have been some thought process in his actions.

What stuck in Lily's mind was that those had been the two only rooms that held any alcohol, and he had got rid of it all quite efficiently. Whether that had been done in a fit of anger and Sirius had regretted it when he woke up this morning, or if he had done it because of their argument last night, Lily didn't know. She wanted it to be the latter, but she didn't know how likely that was.

Putting it to the back of her mind, Lily went up into the attic to find any old trunks that she could put their things in. She thought she saw Kreacher scurrying around while she was looking, but as he didn't pay any attention to her she ignored him.

Lily found a few trunks and levitated them downstairs into the kitchen. She found a few toys and headed back upstairs, taking them with her so that Harry was preoccupied when she was looking for things to pack and he wouldn't get in Lily's way. She didn't want to leave him on the other side of the house on his own.

She went into her own bedroom first and started sorting through the wardrobe for robes and anything of importance to pack.

The doorbell rang. Lily scooped up Harry with one arm and the pile of robes she had been sorting out with the other and went downstairs. She had just reached the bottom of the stairs when the doorbell rang again.

"I'm coming!" Lily shouted, wondering if whoever it was would be able to hear her from outside.

She struggled to open the door and found herself face to face with Seth.

"Are you going somewhere?" asked Seth. Lily saw his eyes travel from the robes over one of her arms to her harried expression.

"Maybe," Lily said grimly. "Come in, you can help."

"Help what?"

Lily closed the door behind him and started down the hallway to the kitchen.

"I'm packing in case I can't get Sirius to see sense, which is going to be the hardest thing in the world."

"Why?"

"He's not talking to me, not talking to Remus and drinking while he was babysitting Harry." Having reached the kitchen, Lily put Harry in his high-chair and packed the robes into one of the trunks. She hesitated before carrying on. "I came back here this afternoon and found all the Firewhiskey and wine bottles smashed. I don't know whether he was angry or actually meant to get rid of it."

"You came back this afternoon?"

"Me and Harry stayed at some friends' last night. I couldn't put up with Sirius."

Seth nodded.

"How do you want me to help?"

Seth helped Lily pack most of hers, Harry's and, after some deliberation, Remus' things. They thought it over and decided that they were better off getting out of Sirius' way as quickly as possible if he refused to be reasonable, and they could always explain to Remus what had been planned if Sirius did stop acting like an idiot. It took them the rest of the afternoon, and by half five the trunks were placed in the hallway, ready if they were needed.

They went to sit in the kitchen for the remaining half an hour they had to wait until they could go to St. Mungo's. As Lily hadn't stayed long enough to ask, she wasn't sure if they would be able to go in outside of visiting hours to take Remus home and she decided that it was safest to go during visiting hours.

"Do you want anything to drink?" asked Lily.

"Yes, please. What have you got?"

"No idea." Lily stood up and started looking in some of the cupboards. "How about tea? We've got a while."

"That's very English of you."

"And it's very American of you to say that. Is that a yes?"

"Sure."

Lily made their drinks, and stirred them with her wand. She put her wand down on the counter and carried the mugs over to the table.

"Where are you going to go if Sirius kicks you out?" Seth asked.

"Err, I'm not sure. I think a friend might have a spare room or two." Truthfully, Lily thought that headquarters was looking like the best option, but she couldn't tell Seth that.

"You know, you could stay with me for a bit, my flat has a spare room. Remus might have to sleep on the couch."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, definitely. I don't really like living on my own."

"Is that why you come round here so often?"

"I don't come round that much."

"You're here practically whenever you're not at the Ministry."

"Oh yeah."

They drank and talked about nothing in particular until it got closer to six o'clock. When it came, Lily drained her mug and put both hers and Seth's in the sink. She picked Harry up from the floor where he had been playing and walked up the stairs with Seth.

"I think I've forgotten something," Lily said when they reached the top of the stairs. She searched her pockets with her one free hand and they felt strangely empty. It took Lily a moment to remember what she'd left behind. "I left my wand in the kitchen. Here, take Harry."

Lily passed Harry to Seth and hurried down the stairs. Spotting her wand on the counter at the far side of the room, Lily made her way towards it.

As she neared it, shoulder high flames flared up around her.

Lily spun round. Seth was stood at the bottom of the stone staircase, his wand in one hand pointed straight at Lily and carrying Harry in the other.

In the split second that it took for Lily to register what had happened, she knew that she had been made a fool of. She had been wrong to trust Seth; they all had. This must have shown on her face because he laughed.

"Finally figured it out then?" He smirked. "It's a little too late now though. I've got the boy, and there's nothing you can do."

He was right. Lily looked around the kitchen desperately, but the ring of fire surrounding her prevented Lily from reaching for her wand. She was trapped amid the flames.

"He's just a baby. He's not done anything," Lily pleaded.

"The Dark Lord wants him dead and I was appointed to retrieve him. It's nothing personal."

Lily thought she could see the flames growing taller around her, and with them, the smoke they emitted grew thicker. Seth carried on talking; he seemed to revel in the opportunity to at last reveal his motives.

"I'll be rewarded beyond your wildest dreams. You see, the Dark Lord is very eager to expand internationally. Create a base of followers in the major countries that will eventually take over their Ministry. I was the leader of those followers back home; it was an honour for the Dark Lord to recognise me. All I had to do was one task, and then I'd be welcomed into his inner circle of Death Eaters.

"I was disappointed, at first, that he didn't trust me, but then it came in useful. One of the first things you looked for was a Dark Mark, at that point I was glad I didn't have one."

Seth's wand was still pointed at Lily. She had the feeling that while it was, the flames were under some kind of control. As soon as he lowered his wand, they were likely to rip through the kitchen leaving nothing but ashes behind. Lily tried her hardest not to think about that.

"Why now?" Lily asked, hoping that she could keep him talking long enough for Sirius to come home. He used to be back around this time, Lily only wished that he wouldn't take any detours on the way back. He hadn't been talking to her, but he wouldn't want her or Harry dead, she was sure of that.

"I've been trying all year, to gain your trust, or catch you off guard. After you Order lot messed up the plans to attack the Ministry, the Dark Lord became impatient with me. He said I was to do whatever I could to get the boy, but it turned out I didn't have to do a thing. You willingly gave him to me."

Lily wasn't looking at Seth anymore; her eyes were fixed on Harry. He was shying away from the heat of the flames, holding tighter onto the man who would see him die. He didn't know what was happening around him, didn't know that in a few hours – if that – he'd be facing the most evil dark wizard of the century, someone who had already tried to kill him once, and this time there wouldn't be anyone to save him.

Seth looked at Lily, and there was no remorse or compassion in his expression. He turned his back on her and started up the stairs.

"I won't be seeing you."

As soon as he had lowered his wand, the flames had roared and doubled in height. Through them, Lily watched Seth calmly walk away, taking Harry with him, and not looking back.

She could feel herself shaking, and tears evaporated from her face with the heat from the fire. There was nothing Lily could do except stand there and know that is was her fault. She had been wrong and it had cost her everything.

Lily coughed; she had been breathing in the smoke without thinking about it. She vaguely remembered an old fire safety message that had been shown at primary school; in fires, it was the smoke that killed you first, not the flames. At least she wouldn't have to be burnt alive.

The coughing became worse and her legs gave way. The air was slightly cleaner on the floor but the room was filled with smoke – Lily could barely see the staircase and it wouldn't take long for her to be unable to see her own hand in front of her face.

She was going to die. There was no uncertainty about it; Lily couldn't hear anything above the noise of the flames, but she could tell that no one was coming. Remus would probably still be in St. Mungo's, wondering why she hadn't come, and Sirius could be anywhere. She had thought he would have gone to Petunia's as usual but she had nothing to base that on. For all she knew he'd left the country.

Lily was beginning to grow lightheaded; she didn't know how long she lay on the floor, watching the flames draw closer and wishing that it would just end now.

Her imagination ran wild, seeing images in the fire, people. She thought she saw herself running away from a crowd of people she guessed were supposed to be Death Eaters; in a wedding dress; holding a baby; the images were endless. In them with her, there was a man. He would stand near her and never leave her side.

Lily thought of James.

She had betrayed him. He had died so that she and Harry would be safe, and she had thrown that away. It didn't matter, Lily thought, they were going to be together again soon.

That was the last thought Lily had before she lost consciousness.


	40. Chapter Forty

**Sirius PoV**

Sirius walked back through the hospital in silence. A few paces behind him, Remus followed.

He wasn't sure what he had hoped to achieve by coming today. So far, he had managed to say no more than ten words to Remus. So much for coming to admit that he had been in the wrong.

Sirius hated to admit it, but his argument with Lily last night had made him think about how he had been acting. Lily had been right that he had not been coping well after James' death, much worse than she had, in fact, and somehow that wasn't right. Sure, James had practically been his brother but Lily had been his wife, and Sirius got the impression that she didn't dwell on James whenever she wasn't doing something else. Drinking had helped Sirius stop thinking about it, now he wondered if that hadn't helped him get over James' death as much as he had hope it would; he should have learnt to cope with it without the help of Firewhiskey.

They reached the welcome witch's desk, where Remus handed over his discharge documents. The welcome witch glanced over them and put them onto the top of a pile that threatened to topple if anything else was added to it. She reached into a drawer of the desk and pulled out a wand.

"Here're your belongings that were checked in," she said, handing the wand to Remus and then looked back down to carry on with what she had been doing before they had interrupted her.

"I didn't check in a wand," said Remus, staring at the wand in his hand.

"It was found on your person when you were brought in." The witch didn't look up as she spoke. Remus half glanced at Sirius as if he was hoping for an explanation.

"Who's is this? The Death Eaters snapped mine."

"Think it's Peter's. Lily disarmed him but I didn't see her give you his wand. You might as well keep it, he won't be needing it."

Remus must have noticed something in his voice because he asked, "Why?"

"Dead," Sirius grunted. "Come on."

He started towards the door but quickly noticed that Remus wasn't following him. Sirius turned. Remus had been heading in the opposite direction towards the fireplace.

"I'm not queuing in that." Sirius eyed the queue that was winding through the chairs of the waiting area.

"The Healer said I wasn't supposed to Apparate."

"Do you want to get home or do you want me to strangle you while we wait to get home?"

Remus didn't argue and followed Sirius out of the door. Sirius felt bad about threatening him. Despite knowing that it was only him who seemed to be stuck in the past, and having come to try to make some amends to Remus, it was still hard for Sirius to accept that Remus had kissed Lily. Remus and Lily had been friends for years, and Lily had married one of Remus' best friends.

Sirius shook his head as if it would help him get rid of his thoughts. It didn't make sense to him.

They walked into a short alleyway that ended in a dead end. Even though St. Mungo's was in an area that was less frequently visited, they still had to be careful of Muggles wandering nearby.

Without looking at him, Sirius held out his arm for Remus to hold onto. Once Sirius was sure Remus was holding on tightly, he twisted on the spot.

When they arrived on the front step of Grimmauld Place, Remus quickly released Sirius' arm. Sirius felt his stomach twist at this; he was treating his oldest friend like his worst enemy. He scowled inwardly as Lily was proved to be right once again - he was pushing his last friend away.

Still not saying anything, Sirius pushed open the front door, leading the way into the house.

The portrait at the end of the hallway was sleeping, filling the hall with the sound of its snores; Sirius saw a pile of trunks at the bottom of the staircase that had not been there when he had left that morning, and Seth stood in the middle of the hall, holding Harry.

At first, Sirius didn't realise anything was wrong.

"Hi, I wasn't expecting you to be here. Where're you taking Harry?"

Seth raised his free hand and Sirius saw that he was holding his wand. Reflexively, Sirius drew his own and, out the corner of his eye, saw Remus pull out Peter's.

"I'll give you one chance to get out of my way," said Seth. "If you do, you may be able to help your friend down there." His head jerked towards the kitchen. "If not, I'll kill you. Either way, I take the boy out of here."

Sirius didn't even think. "You missed out the option of us kicking your butt," he said, and shot a spell at Seth.

Seth blocked the spell, but didn't start firing back.

"You're actually going to do this? I was under the impression you wanted him alive but if not I can return him once the Dark Lord has killed him."

Sirius gritted his teeth. His initial suspicions about Seth had been right, but instead of following them as he usually did, he'd decided to go against them. Now wasn't the time to curse himself for his foolishness, however. Now they had to rectify their mistake before it proved to be fatal.

"Yeah, we're going to get your disgusting hands off my godson and then lock you up somewhere unpleasant. Maybe Azkaban, I don't know. Locking you in the attic with plenty of dark artefacts that have hundreds of possible ways to kill you sounds like a good idea as well."

This seemed to anger Seth enough to make him start firing spells towards Sirius and Remus. They blocked them, and sent their own jets of light back at him, though with difficulty; Seth was holding Harry in front of his chest, which made it hard for Sirius to aim and be sure that he wouldn't hit Harry. Seth deflected the spells with ease, allowing them to leave black burn marks in the walls.

The duel grew more and more intense as it carried on, and soon Harry's cries joined the sound of spells being cast and hitting the walls, and Sirius' mother's screams, who had woken up. Sirius grew fiercer in his duelling in the cramped space, not giving himself a moments rest. Unfortunately, Seth didn't even have to block a lot of his spells – they flew way over his head in Sirius' attempt to not hit Harry.

Around them, the hallway was starting to fall apart. Portraits fell from where they were hung on the walls, the wallpaper was covered in scorch marks and Sirius began wondering when it would finally set alight. The duel had caused a lot of dust to hover in the air, making it hard to see, and it was growing thicker.

Sirius took a moment to squint at the air. The dust wasn't growing thicker, Sirius could see a stream of smoke coming up from under the door that led to the kitchen.

The kitchen was on fire, and he didn't think Lily's bad cooking skills had caused it.

Damn, Sirius thought. Seth had said Lily was stuck down there, but Sirius had thought he'd meant he'd just locked her in, not that he'd been attempting to kill her.

"Remus!" Sirius shouted over the din, ducking a jet of light as he did so. "Get Lily from the kitchen – it's on fire!"

He saw Remus' eyes flash towards the kitchen door and widen as they took in the smoke coursing in from the small gap between the door and the floor. Remus shook his head briefly and threw himself into the duel with more energy than before, even though, Sirius now saw, he was turning paler by the second. Maybe Disapparating from the hospital and starting a duel wasn't the best thing for Remus' health, but Sirius felt his stomach clench at the thought of what would had happened had they waited to use the fireplace like they were supposed to have.

Sirius didn't have time to wonder why Remus had refused to go help Lily – wasn't he supposed to be in love with her or something? – as he followed his lead and pushed himself harder than ever in the duel.

Harry's cries grew louder and shriller while the duel progressed. Sirius felt his heart jump into his throat; hearing any baby scream like that was painful, but this was Harry, who Sirius didn't allow to not be happy. Someone might as well be trying to gouge his eyes out.

Above them, the lamps began sporadically flickering on and off. It wasn't a distraction for Sirius as he was concentrating solely on sending as many spells at Seth as possible, but he could see that it was causing Seth some concern; he had glanced up at the flames and down at Harry, who he was now holding slightly further away from him. Sirius understood Seth's thought process – Harry had become upset enough for his unrefined magic to start being released and Seth was worried about what his accidental magic might do to him who was so close to the toddler.

The lamps sputtered out and the duel was plunged into darkness compared to before. A second later, there was a roar and the lamps gave life to uncontrollable fires that burnt the wallpaper and started to spread across the walls.

Seth yelped in surprise and jumped backwards in surprise at the flames that were drawing in on him. As he did, his arm holding Harry moved from its position of holding Harry in front of him and Seth's torso was momentarily unprotected.

Sirius was not alone in taking advantage of this. However, he was confused when three jets of red light hit Seth square in the chest. Sirius span round to see Dumbledore stood in the doorway, his wand out and an expression of utmost anger on his face.

"Go," was all he said, and Sirius and Remus didn't have to be told twice. Sirius ran forward, not even bothering with the flames that were lapping at both sides of him. He grabbed Harry from the floor, pulling him into his arms.

There wasn't time to make sure that Harry was okay. Sirius ignored Seth's body, guessing that Dumbledore would sort it out, and he jumped over it to reach the door to the basement. Remus reached it before him and pulled it open hard enough that it hit the wall and bounced back, but not before Remus had slipped through it and was sprinting down the stairs.

"LILY! LILY! LI-" Sirius could hear Remus shouting before a coughing fit cut him off.

Sirius followed, keeping Harry's head buried into his chest to prevent him from breathing in too much of the smoke. He stopped when he found Remus standing at the bottom of the stairs, staring around the room despairingly. They could see nothing through the flames and smoke – all they could do was hope.

" _Aguamenti_!" cried Sirius, pointing his wand at the fire. A powerful jet of water erupted from the end of his wand, and Sirius heard Remus cast the spell as well.

Together, they extinguished the flames until all that could be seen in the kitchen were bits of blackened and half destroyed furniture, piles of ashes on the floor, and a motionless figure –

They rushed to where Lily was lay on the floor. Remus let out a half-choked noise that resembled a mixture between a sob and a cry of pain. Sirius ignored it; he could feel a lump rising in his own throat and his arms carrying Harry were shaking.

Remus rolled Lily over so they could see her face. Her robes and hair were wet and slightly singed from where the flames must have reached her. Sirius couldn't tell whether she was breathing or not.

He glanced at Remus who was shaking violently and whose eyes didn't move from Lily's pale unmoving face. Seeing him like that, Sirius couldn't be angry at him; he had never seen Remus look at anyone like that.

It didn't mean Sirius was happy about it. Just that he knew that he couldn't begrudge Remus his feelings for Lily when Sirius knew that - if Lily got out of this alive and decided to move on – there were worse people she could be with.

Sirius swallowed.

"We need to get out of here," he said.

Remus nodded and breathed deeply. Then, in one swift movement, he pulled Lily into his arms and stood up.

Sirius carefully got to his feet. Harry's cries had quietened now and Sirius took care to not jostle him.

With their wands at the ready, Sirius and Remus climbed the stairs back into the hallway. Dumbledore had managed to put out most of the flames, but they joined him to get rid of the last of them. It was beginning to become hard work for the two of them; they had been breathing in the smoke for too long and now it was starting to get to their heads. But they fought through the dizziness that it caused until there was no more fire, and Sirius and Remus stumbled out of the front door and down the steps to the small unkempt square, coughing and choking on the fresh air.

Once they had stopped walking, Remus placed Lily on the grass. He sat down and Sirius joined him.

They sat in silence. Sirius relished the fresh air, even though it burnt his throat as he breathed it in. They watched as Dumbledore came out of the house, carrying Seth's body. Sirius glared at the unconscious man.

Dumbledore placed Seth on the grass not far from where Sirius sat with Remus and Harry. Then, he turned to them and spoke,

"What happened here? I came as soon as I was able to."

"How did you know?"

"One of my spies happened to be at the warehouse when we broke in and he recognised Seth. He sent me a message."

Sirius felt a small surge of anger rise up in his chest.

"That was a week ago. Your spy isn't very good."

"I believe that he got the message to me as soon as he could without making himself suspicious," said Dumbledore, peering over the top of his glasses at Sirius. Sirius looked down under Dumbledore's gaze.

"What happened?" Dumbledore repeated.

Sirius and Remus looked at each other for a moment, silently asking the other who was going to explain. Eventually, Sirius spoke.

He told Dumbledore how he had gone to St. Mungo's to try to have a decent conversation with Remus and Remus had been discharged, how they had come back to Grimmauld Place and found Seth with Harry, and how he had threatened them. That was how the duel started.

When he finished, Sirius asked Remus, "Why didn't you get Lily when I said?"

Remus shook his head, but didn't reply straight away.

"She'd have killed us if my leaving you had meant losing Harry. Lily'd always tell us to save him first."

Sirius nodded, knowing that what he said was true.

"We should move, I believe the Muggles are beginning to notice us," Dumbledore spoke after a moment of silence. Sirius glanced around at the houses that lined the square. Sure enough, curious faces were pressed against the windows of many of the houses. "I'll see what needs to be done about our traitor, you two take Lily and Harry to St. Mungo's."

"What's wrong with Harry?" Sirius looked down at him.

"He was breathing in the smoke. You should get him checked by a Healer, though he'll probably be fine." Dumbledore stood up. Sirius and Remus followed suit. Remus picked up Lily, and Sirius saw him falter slightly under her weight.

"Are you going to be alright there?" asked Sirius.

"I'll manage."

"You sure?" Sirius stared at Remus, a meaningful look in his eyes.

"Yes." Remus nodded.


	41. Chapter Forty One

She had been sure that she was dead, but the steady breathing she could hear suggested that people near her were alive, so she couldn't be dead and still be hearing them. And she didn't feel how she had imagined death to be like; she could feel her heart beating in her chest and her throat burned as she breathed in and out. The pain was what convinced her the most – death shouldn't be painful.

Lily opened her eyes.

At first, her conviction that she was alive wavered. Everything around her was white, but as Lily's eyes began to focus she could see that she was in a hospital; the bed sheets, curtains around her bed and floor were all white.

As Lily grew accustomed to her surroundings, the last few minutes that she had be conscious for drifted into her memory. Flames surrounding her; Seth holding Harry, taking him away from her; more flames – this time with smoke; fuzzy images seen in the fire. These memories came into the forefront of Lily's mind and she felt fear, anger and self-blame creep in with them.

Lily didn't know what she was going to do, just that she knew she had to know – she had to know the worst.

The bed sheets had been tucked in tightly around her and Lily struggled to get out of them. While she was slowly working them loose, Lily spotted Sirius sitting in a chair at her bedside – asleep. She wondered why he was here and not frantically trying to rescue Harry. Unless…

Lily tried to shake that thought away and attempted to make her escape from the bed quieter so she wouldn't wake Sirius. He'd probably been put there to act as a bodyguard for when she did wake up so she wouldn't do anything rash, though she didn't know why Sirius had been chosen. The last conversation they had had involved Lily shouting at him and walking out of the house, and then she had proceeded to partly cause the burning down of his kitchen, if not his entire house – there was no way he was talking to her.

Lily hadn't been quiet enough; she had one leg out of the sheets when she saw Sirius stir and blink his eyes a few times. Lily froze.

"You're awake," said Sirius, and then, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going." Lily's voice was rough from lack of use and the pain in her throat increased; it cracked on the last word, giving away the fact that she was brimming with emotion.

"No you're not. You have to stay here and rest." Sirius got out of the chair and tried to push Lily back down onto her bed. Lily fought him as best as she could.

"I have to go." Again, her voice cracked and this time she felt herself start shaking.

"Where are you going to go?" Sirius was easily restraining her and spoke softly. Lily didn't know why he was stopping her.

"I have to find Harry, I have to get him back, I – I –I h-have to…" Lily's voice trailed off and she felt the emotion overwhelm her. She stopped trying to resist Sirius and he simply held her while she shook and sobbed into his shoulder. Lily could barely breathe for the sobs ripping themselves from her chest and she didn't care about controlling them, she didn't think about controlling them. All she knew was that everything she'd wanted was gone and she hadn't done a thing to prevent it.

"Listen to me, Harry's fine –"

"N-no, I need t-t-to –"

"We got him, he's ok –"

"S-Seth – he took -"

"I know." Lily heard Sirius' voice go hard.

There were footsteps, and then the sound of curtains being drawn back.

"What's going on? Half the ward has woken up." It was an unfamiliar voice, but Lily could guess that it was a Healer. The words didn't have any sort of impression on Lily, she knew they probably should have but at the moment that part of her brain was very small and being overridden by the guilt and grief.

Lily heard Sirius murmur something to the Healer. She must have been satisfied by what he said because lily heard the curtains close again and Sirius moved her so that he was holding her at arm's length.

"Look at me," he said. Lily kept her eyes downwards. " _Look at me_." This time Sirius spoke the words with a forcefulness that was almost a growl and Lily looked up into his eyes as if she had been put under the Imperius Curse. "Harry is fine. He's at Grimmauld Place with Remus and he's going to bring Harry to visit sometime today. We got him away from Seth in time, he didn't even get the chance to leave the house with him."

It took a long time for Lily's brain to process Sirius' words. At long last, she said, "He's ok?"

"Of course he is."

Lily burst into renewed sobs, this time of relief. It seemed to alarm Sirius who released his hold on Lily briefly. Once he had gained his composure, he took Lily back into his arms until she cried herself out.

It took a long time for that to happen, and when it did Lily couldn't help the odd sniffle or tear escaping. Lily knew that Sirius wouldn't lie to her, but she couldn't believe his words until she saw Harry with her own eyes.

Throughout the morning, Sirius didn't try to engage Lily in conversation and she was glad; Lily was sure that she wouldn't be able keep her mind focused on what they were talking about. Occasionally Lily would say something, usually when her thoughts became too hard to bear.

"How come you've been allowed in when it's not visiting times?" Lily asked at one of these times.

"We kept bothering the Healers until they let one of us stay."

Lily thought about this for a moment.

"I didn't think you would have wanted to stay with me."

"I think I might have overreacted before," Sirius sighed. "I've not really been coping very well."

Lily understood that that was the closest to an apology Sirius could give anyone, and she accepted it. Not wanting to push that line of topic too far, Lily said, "I thought Remus would have stayed."

"He was ready to fight me for it, if he hadn't nearly fainted from exhaustion. He's fine," Sirius added in a rush after seeing Lily's face. "He needed a proper rest more than me, so I'm the one who got to sleep in the chair all night."

Nodding, Lily returned to her thoughts.

She was beginning to grow anxious by the time lunch was over, even though it wasn't visiting hours yet. Lily curled up on one side so that she was facing the door and Sirius couldn't see her face. Lily didn't take her eyes off the door, and she waited.

At last, Lily saw a familiar face enter the ward and she sat up straight away. Remus looked relieved that she was awake but Lily barely glanced at his face before staring at the toddler he was carrying.

Harry looked perfectly happy and healthy as he looked around the ward and its inhabitants. When he spotted Lily, his face seemed to light up and he took his arms from around Remus, to try to reach out to her.

"Mummy!"

Remus didn't have to be asked to hand Harry over to Lily. It was the first thing he did and Lily pulled Harry into a hug, holding him close to her. She couldn't believe that she had got him back, he was here – safe – and didn't even seem fazed by what had happened.

"Thank you," Lily muttered into Harry's hair, glancing at her two friends. Remus had settled into a chair next to Sirius. "I don't know what I could ever do to make it up to you."

"Lily, we're you're friends. You don't owe us anything."

"Unless you fancy cleaning out the kitchen and hallway, it got trashed pretty –"

Sirius stopped suddenly and frowned in Remus' direction. Lily guessed he had kicked Sirius in the shin; she smiled.

"He really missed you," Remus said, nodding towards Harry, who was playing with Lily's hair. Lily didn't have the heart to make him stop, she was too glad that he was here with her.

"How long was I out for?" asked Lily, suddenly realising that months could have passed and she wouldn't have known.

"Only overnight. You still gave us a scare."

"Sorry."

"It's not your fault." From Sirius' tone, Lily knew perfectly well who he was blaming, and he wouldn't be likely to live much longer if he saw Sirius again. That was if he was still alive. Lily didn't know what had happened to him, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to know whether he had died or taken into custody. Lily didn't ask, and neither Sirius nor Remus brought it up.

Lily was surprised at how comfortable Sirius and Remus were with each other, considering that twenty-four hours ago Sirius hadn't been on talking terms with Remus or Lily. They talked and teased each other as if the events following Remus' birthday hadn't happened. Lily didn't pay them much attention though – she was too busy watching Harry play with the toys that Remus had had the foresight to bring. Unfortunately, he had brought the toy Sirius had got Harry for Christmas, and the ward was full of the sound of howling, barking and grunting. It attracted the attention of many of the other patients and their visitors, as well as a stern looking Healer who stood at the door and glared in the direction of Lily's bed, but didn't say anything.

Remus and Sirius stayed until they were kicked out by the Healer in charge of the ward. Lily was reluctant to let Harry go, but she knew he couldn't stay with her and that he'd be just as safe with Remus and Sirius looking after him than if she was.

They weren't parted for long, however. Remus and Sirius returned with Harry during the evening's visiting hours, much to the annoyance of the Healers. While they were talking about nothing in particular, one of the Healers came over to see how Lily was doing. After Lily had put up with the quick examination, the Healer said, "You seem fine. We'll keep you in for observation overnight but you should be able to go in the morning."

"I bet they're only letting me go so they get rid of you two as well, "Lily said as the Healer walked away.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Lily," said Sirius. "Everyone loves us. Especially Harry, actually. He had an audience before."

"I know. I was talking to one of the Healers before about Harry. Although he seemed to think Harry was your son."

"Well, I've been meaning to talk to you about that night we had nine months before Harry was born…"

"Don't lie, Sirius, it makes me want to hex you."

"Come on, you can't deny you've thought about me and you." Sirius winked at Lily; Remus pretended to vomit, and Lily had trouble stopping a smile from showing on her face.

"No, you're right. Except the thought of it made me want to kill myself."

Sirius feigned an insulted expression while Lily and Remus laughed.

"You two can laugh, but I was voted 'rear of the year' at school."

"What?" Lily said. She hadn't heard of this particular episode of the Marauder's before.

"Who actually voted in that?" asked Remus.

"I don't know, it was anonymous, wasn't it?"

"How do I not know what this was?" Lily interrupted.

"Sirius and James were arguing over who had the better butt, so they put a box in the common room and tried to get votes," Remus explained briefly.

"Oh, that's what that was. None of us knew why it appeared."

"Hold on," Remus said, and he looked like he was thinking. "So you didn't vote?"

"No."

"And you don't know anyone who did?"

"I can't remember anyone."

Remus looked at Sirius.

"How many votes did you forge?"

"More than James managed to." Sirius grinned, as if being able to forge more votes still meant he was the winner. Lily and Remus just looked at each other, shaking their heads and trying not to laugh.

The next day, Lily was discharged with no problems. Remus came on his own to pick her up, and they walked through the hospital only speaking occasionally. When Lily gave her discharge papers to the welcome witch, she remembered that she didn't have a wand.

"Did you find my wand in the kitchen?" asked Lily as they joined the queue to use the fireplace.

"We had a look, but nearly everything in there is ash. Sorry."

"It's alright. I'll have to buy a new one." Lily felt lost without her wand, but she shrugged the feeling off. They'd go to Diagon Alley tomorrow, it wasn't the end of the world.

"That makes two of us." Remus looked worried, as if he was mentally working out how much money he had in his Gringott's account.

"You've been using a wand, haven't you?" Lily was confused, she distinctly remembered him using a wand while he had been visiting her.

"It's Peter's, and it doesn't work for me very well." He still looked worried.

"If you're worrying about it then I'll give you the money."

"I don't need charity."

"Then I'll buy it for you and you can think of it as a present."

Remus shook his head, but Lily could see his lips twitching up into a smile.

"It's just been my birthday, and Christmas is months away."

"What did I get you for your birthday?"

"I can't remember – books?"

"Probably, and that's a rubbish present. I'll buy you a wand."

"You really don't have to."

Their argument was interrupted by it being Lily's turn to use the fireplace. She stepped in and, seconds later, she exited into the kitchen of Grimmauld Place.

Or what used to be the kitchen, because now it resembled nothing more than a room filled with blackened furniture. Lily stared around at the room and stepped out of the fireplace just in time as Remus appeared in it a moment later.

"You weren't joking when you said this place was trashed."

Remus shook his head. "Upstairs is worse."

Lily wondered what could be worse than the charred lumps that used to be the counter and the half table that was left. She hesitantly climbed the staircase, not trusting that it wasn't going to collapse, and holding onto the wall where the banister had burned. She pushed open the door to the hallway.

The first thing Lily noticed was the blackened wallpaper that had holes where the wallpaper had been burnt completely off. Portraits that had been hung on the wall lay on the floor, their occupants grumbling despite most of them managing to have escaped relatively unscathed. That was in contrast to the portrait at the foot of the stairs leading up to the other floors, which was a blackened mess.

"What happened to that?"

A door that had a hole burnt through it so you could see directly through it opened, and Sirius walked into the hall, carrying Harry.

"Hi, I thought I heard voices."

"Those were probably the ones in your head. What did you do to this place?" Lily said, still staring at what used to be the portrait of Walburga Black.

"Most of it was Harry. Good lad." Sirius ruffled Harry's hair.

"Harry set the place on fire?" Lily could hardly believe what she was hearing. She had seen him do little bits of magic, but nothing on this scale, and it was hard for her to think of her one-year-old son – who pulled on hair and ate wrapping paper – causing this much damage.

"Yep, you better do what he wants in future. It's going to take long enough fixing all of this up as it is." Sirius passed Harry over to Lily and they followed Sirius into the parlour, where they spent the rest of the day talking and playing with Harry and teasing each other. It felt as if everything had gone back to normal, until Lily came down that evening from putting Harry to bed.

As she walked back into the parlour, Lily met Sirius in the doorway.

"Where are you going?" Lily asked.

"Upstairs for an early night."

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

Sirius let Lily pass and she went to sit down in one of the armchairs. Sirius left the room, with Remus frowning after him. They could hear Sirius' footsteps as he slowly made his way up the stairs.

"He went to bed early last night as well. It's not like him."

"Maybe he wants to be alone," Lily said after a moment's thought.

"Since when has Sirius ever wanted to be alone?"

"I don't know."

They sat in a silence that Lily spent wondering what was wrong with Sirius. She checked the time, and a sudden thought struck her. Remus must have noticed a change of expression on her face because he asked, "What is it?"

"Didn't Sirius always start bringing out the alcohol around this time?"

"Maybe. Why?"

"I think," Lily spoke quietly, "he might be grieving." Remus looked confused so she carried on. "He got rid of all the wine and Firewhiskey so now he doesn't have anything to take his mind off it and wants to be on his own."

"He got rid of all the alcohol?"

"When he was drunk, I think."

Remus didn't say anything more and they fell into another silence. Lily tried to distract herself from her own grief that had resurfaced since Harry had nearly been taken from her. This proved easy enough to do, as, out of the corner of her eye, Lily could see Remus shooting furtive looks in her direction, so instead of grief, Lily felt guilt.

When he had been doing this for ten minutes, Lily couldn't stand it much longer. She sighed.

"Remus…" Lily started, but Remus interrupted her.

"I'm sorry. I know I put you in a bad position, and you were confused and didn't know what to do and I have no right to know what you think about it, or me for –" He spoke in a rush, forcing the words out before he lost the confidence to say them, and cutting himself off, as if by not saying the next words they were less true. "I can cope with whatever you say, I've dealt with worse. You can tell me. I shouldn't have even said or done anything." Remus wasn't looking at her, but at his hands in his lap.

Lily wished she had never brought up the subject, because she knew that she could not handle being the one to hurt him, as she knew the truth would.

"I can't, Remus, I'm sorry." She truly was, and she had to blink away tears. But Lily had known the truth when she had thought of James before she fell unconscious and believed that she was going to die. "I still love James. I can't help it, I still do. You're my best friend, I couldn't – it's bad enough telling you this and seeing it hurt you – I could never lead you on while I love someone else."

Lily wiped away the wetness from her eyes. Remus had his head down and Lily thought his eyes were closed. He didn't say anything, and after a minute, Lily began to worry.

"Remus? Talk to me."

"What do you want me to say?"

"Say you'll still be my friend."

This caused Remus to look up and meet Lily's eyes.

"I'm still your friend. And I won't make this awkward for you. Just friends."

Lily heard the subtle traces of pain and bitterness in his voice and they made her want to take back everything she had said. She didn't, though. She whispered a thank you that made Remus look down again.

Neither of them said another word that evening. Remus went up not long afterwards, but Lily stayed in the parlour.

She knew that the normality that had been present the last two days had gone now and wouldn't return no matter how hard they tried. Maybe it hadn't really been there in the first place, or it had been a façade. It didn't matter what they pretended, everything had changed, Lily's entire life had changed and the world around them was changing – it was no use pretending that it wasn't.

Lily felt as if they had been kidding themselves the past few months, trying to make it seem like everything was the same, when the opposite was true. Despite what Lily had said to Sirius, both of them were stuck in the past to some extent, and being like that had meant that they hadn't been living. Somehow, only Remus had managed to avoid that, though that might have been because he already had his own troubles to struggle through.

They would have to get used to the changing and their new lives, then they would be able to live again.


	42. Epilogue

Sometimes it's possible to know when something within you has changed. Not by feeling it happen, but by recognising the subtle differences in your actions and words.

Lily knew that something had changed the day she couldn't help but look at Remus Lupin.

It made no sense to Lily why her eyes were drawn in his direction no matter what she was doing. When Remus was trying to teach her and Sirius how to cook, when she was reading to Harry, when she was brewing the Wolfsbane potion – even when the three adults were having a perfectly normal conversation – Lily caught herself staring and had to consciously look away. The whole thing was beyond irritating, especially when Lily was supposed to be concentrating but would become distracted by the peculiar way Remus said the word "rain" (or a number of other astoundingly average words) that she had never noticed before and she would look over to where he was and have to force her eyes away moments later when she realised what she was doing.

Whenever this happened, Lily spent the following minutes chastising herself and poking and prodding at her own feelings trying to figure out why she was behaving as she was. Lily didn't come to any firm conclusions this way and instead tried to remember if anything had happened in the previous days that could explain it.

There was nothing. They had been ordinary days in Grimmauld Place with Harry, Remus and Sirius.

What Lily truly thought would help was talking to Remus about it. However, with a three-year-old to look after and Sirius always around, the chances of being able to have a private conversation with him were slim. The best Lily could hope for was that no one noticed her staring.

As it happened, the chance for Lily to talk to Remus privately presented itself that evening.

Lily, Remus, Sirius and Harry were in the parlour; Sirius was sat on the floor with Harry, both surrounded by toys, Lily had her knees up on the sofa and Remus occupied on of the big old armchairs. They had fallen into a lull in the conversation in which Lily watched Sirius and Harry play together and she only glanced up at Remus occasionally, as it appeared he had fallen asleep.

Not long into whatever game he was playing with Sirius (it was quite impossible to understand for Lily, who hadn't been listening when Sirius explained it) Harry yawned.

"Bedtime," said Lily.

"Aww, come on. It's not that late," Sirius moaned.

"I didn't say it was your bedtime. Harry needs his sleep or he'll be grouchy in the morning, won't you Harry?"

"No, want to play!" Harry cried from the floor.

"You can play in the morning." Lily got to her feet and picked Harry up.

"Now!"

"No."

"Yes!"

"No, and if you don't do as I say I'll take your teddies off you and you won't be able to sleep with them."

Harry was quiet except for a mumbled "mine" into Lily's shoulder.

Lily allowed for Sirius to kiss Harry goodnight and she headed for the door. She had just reached it when Sirius spoke and, despite his words not being aimed at her, Lily stopped .

"Hey, Remus. Are you okay?"

Lily watched Remus jerk awake and look around for a second as he became fully aware of where he was.

"Are you okay?" Sirius repeated.

"Yes, sorry. I'm tired."

"The moon getting to you?"

"Probably." Remus rubbed his eyes with a hand. "I'll go up. No point in staying down here if I'm just going to fall asleep."

He stood up slowly and joined Lily and Harry at the door. Sirius called "goodnight" after them as they started to walk down the hallway.

Now that Lily was as good as alone with Remus, she didn't know what to say to him and her earlier problem appeared to have been cured; she could no longer look at him for fear of her face turning a colour similar to a tomato's.

They walked in a silence that was only broken when they reached the second floor and Remus said goodnight to Lily and Harry before carrying on up the stairs. Lily watched him ascend, mentally cursing herself for not saying anything, and then went to put Harry to bed.

It didn't take Lily long to dress Harry in his pyjamas and to read him a bedtime story. Sirius had found his old copy of  _The Tales of Beedle the Bard_  and had given it to Lily to read to Harry. Lily had been shocked at some of the stories in it, but did allow some to be read to Harry.

After silently closing the door to Harry's room once he was fast asleep, Lily hesitated on the lading. She knew she should go back downstairs to where Sirius was probably waiting for her, but something – someone – was calling her towards the upper floor, and it was this instinct Lily eventually chose to follow.

When Lily arrived at Remus' bedroom door, she paused, debating whether or not she should knock. She felt like a twelve-year-old about to talk to a boy that she fancied. It was stupid how she could feel like this – she was an adult, she had been through plenty of things worse than knocking on someone's bedroom door.

With that in mind, Lily raised her hand and knocked three times.

It took Remus a while to answer, making Lily feel guilty about getting him up when he'd said he didn't feel well. At last, the door opened.

The first thing Lily noticed was that he was  _tall_. she had to crane her neck just to look into his eyes, especially at these close quarters. It sounded ridiculous, even to Lily, but she had never paid much attention to something as simple as Remus' height before.

"Lily." Remus sounded confused. "Is everything alright?"

Lily didn't reply. She was frowning slightly and looking up into Remus' face. She stayed like that for what felt like a long time, following every crease in his face with her eyes, as if she had been told to memorise it. All the time, Remus' eyes were fixed on Lily's face.

"Lily, are you okay?"

"No." Lily felt her lips form the word but was focusing more on her heart, which appeared to have jumped into her throat and was pounding louder than ever.

"What's the matter?"

"I think I need to do something."

This made Remus look more confused than before. His eyes were searching Lily's face, presumably looking for any clue as to why she had turned up outside his door.

"What is it?" Remus' voice cracked, as if he had guessed what Lily was going to do next.

In answer, Lily kissed him.

She had to stand on her tip toes and put one hand in his hair to bring his head down to that they were on the same level. Remus stood frozen at first, but he soon relaxed and tentatively put his hands on Lily's waist, not to pull her closer, just to hold her.

After a minute, Lily pulled away. She glanced at Remus to see him watching her and she felt her face burning.

"Is that going to get an explanation, or do I have to accept it and move on?"

Remus' voice had a hard edge to it, causing Lily to look up at him in shock. Sure enough, his face was expressionless and he was staring straight at her – he had put his guard up.

Lily wanted to say something about him knowing the best way to kiss someone and leave without an explanation, but kept her mouth shut. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

When she opened them again, Remus had dropped his guard.

"Sorry," he said, "knee jerk reaction. Even if I thought you did want to mess me around there would be no reason to start now."

"Forget it. I probably should have actually said something beforehand."

"You could say something now. It might – err – help people understand what happened."

Lily sighed. "I don't think I understand. Today, I was – you saw." Lily had looked up in time to see Remus trying to suppress a smile.

"I'm sorry if I wasn't supposed to." He pulled her into a hug, speaking into her hair," Tell me when you do understand."

With that, Remus released Lily and went back into his room, closing the door behind him with a  _snap_. Lily was left on the landing, only slightly less confused now than she had been before.

A week later, Lily was awoken from her sleep by the sound of footsteps on the landing. Knowing immediately who it was, and with her intestines feeling as if they had been tied into knots, Lily jumped out of bed and had crossed her bedroom to the door in seconds.

There was no one on the landing, but Lily only had to look up the staircase that led to the upper floors to see a figure half crouched and holding onto the banister with both hands.

"Remus?"

Remus turned around to look at Lily in the faint morning light. He looked haggard after the full moon; his face was pale with dark circles around his eyes and Lily was surprised that he had made it this far because he looked as if another step would kill him.

Lily hurried up the stairs to meet him, and he sank to sit down on the steps as she did so. Sitting beside him, Lily quickly checked his hands and face for any cuts. Her intestines slowly began to untie themselves as she brushed aside a piece of his hair that had fallen out of place.

"I understand."


End file.
